fear of an aimless life

i woke up this morning feeling as if i had no life in me. i assumed that my condition had resulted from a very full week of activity. i had hoped that as the day progressed the situation would improve.

it hasn't.

i tried to take a nap and only got about 40 minutes of sleep. and somehow i have this sense that it really doesn't matter how much sleep i get. this feeling of having no life in me will remain.

at this week's therapy session, i made this statement about the relentless solitary nature of my life. that it feels as if it's only me isolated and apart from life with nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to know or be known by. so in response, dr s asked me what i would rather be doing instead. i pondered his question for a few moments and found myself sharing that absolutely nothing came to mind. i had no remote idea of not only what i wanted from life but what was even possible for me to have.

i continue to navigate this life without a map or a compass -- no sense of where i'm supposed to be going or really what i'm doing.

i guess it's no wonder that i rely on work so much. with the plans and projects, it provides some sense of purpose or, if not purpose, at least direction. and this also explains why when there are setbacks or the unexpected happens at work, the experience affects me so deeply. it's the feeling of losing the one sense of certainty that exists in my life, the one anchor that provides me with a sense that my life has some purpose or meaning. without it i feel as if i'm completely adrift in an absolutely aimless life.

as was shared a week or so ago, i recently had that type of unexpected occurrence at work and with it, that same sense of being utterly lost consumed me. over the course of this week, i've reconnected with the sense of purpose -- a connection that admittedly does feel somewhat tenuous. and, truth be told, i know i live with a certain fear that, with the chaos and frenzied pace at work, i will lose the connection again. and because i think i've lost almost all hope that with respect to the rest of my life i will know what i should want or what i should seek, what will happen to me if i do. will i be able to find my way back again? will i want to?

an unnecessary reminder

i ordered pizza delivery for dinner tonight. when the delivery guy arrived, he greeted me outside the front door by saying, "how are you guys doing tonight?" when he left, his parting statement was, "you guys have a great weekend."

as i carried my dinner to the kitchen, i realized that he must have assumed that there was another person here because i had ordered two beverages. 

yeah, well there's no "you guys" here. there's just me.

an unending string

every day goes by now in what feels like an unending string of sadness and emptiness. sure there are activities during the course of the work week and i may even manage to get out and run an errand or do some shopping on the weekends, but there is no resonant connection to any of it within me.

and every day that passes in this way, i feel a little less present, a little less a part of a world in which i have tended to feel like a stranger for much of my life. i'm not sure if i even think about getting better anymore. i think that this is my life and i wonder if it is possible to die from loneliness and depression.

fading light

it continues to amaze me how much i can accomplish when i feel so empty inside. today at work i somehow yet again managed to step in the role of leader/manager and move several bodies of work forward. normally, i would feel some level of satisfaction about the day's events and outcomes, but now i don't really feel much of anything.

i'm not sure how to describe in any additional detail what i'm experiencing. it just doesn't feel good. and the only thing worse is the idea is feeling like this is the best that things will get for the remainder of my life. another day goes by and the light of a better day gets dimmer. how long before it goes completely out?

collapsing

it feels as if my heart is collapsing inward -- like my emotional self is just retreating ever increasingly within myself. and like the collapsing star that results in a black hole, my outlook is growing ever more cold and dark. i am close to giving up on the fact that i will ever be understood or welcome in this world. and that isolation will be my lot in life for however much longer that may be. this has really not been a good year.