so many sages

when you're struggling with depression and dealing with circumstances that seem to reinforce your negative outlook on life, people, who profess to care about you, tend to have a great desire for you to get better as quickly as possible. to assist with that rapid recovery you often get quite a bit of advice about how you should be viewing the situation, what steps you should take to improve your attitude, and lots and lots of commentary about how what you're feeling is what everyone else goes through.

the unfortunate dynamic that can result, no matter how wise you think the individual is and how appropriate the prescription they provide may be, is a feeling that people blame you for what you are feeling ad your fault and the fact that you can't seem to just get out of your mood is a type of character flaw or weakness within you. in my case, as i shared with dr. s earlier this week, it makes the feeling that there is something wrong with me, that i'm not normal and therefore isolated and restricted from meaningful companionship all the more acute.

so what do you do, i ask, when, as much as you appreciate that people are trying to help you get better, the perspectives they are sharing really only make you feel worse instead?

making it through?

the work day ended at 4 p.m. today (my version of leaving early for the weekend) and as i was packing up, i kind of looked up and stared ahead in amazement at how i had been able to make it through the week as well as i did. pretty much every night this week i've gone to bed exhausted and wondering how on earth was i going to engage in yet another busy "meeting and leading" filled day. and every morning i woke up in the same state. and yet make it through i did (and truly worn out by the effort).

and now, as i type these words, the sun is setting over the mountains that i would be able to see outside of my living room window if not for a few buildings in the way. but i can see the orange red reflection on the clouds above, and i know darkness will soon claim this corner of the world once again. and i wonder, as challenging as the week has been, is the true gauntlet my three day weekend ahead?

time alone means time to revisit many an unpleasant and painful experience both old and new. i guess that's why as i left the office and someone wished me a good weekend, i couldn't help but think, "if only...."

closed for business footnote

i'm guessing it's pretty clear that last night was not a good night for me. more time to think and reflect on the state of my life is not a good thing when recent events are viewed through the lens of depression. my statement about being "closed for business" referred to the state of my heart and the fact that i don't feel capable of being open and engaged in relationships of any kind.

and so with a few rare exceptions, i imagine that i will be living a quiet and closed off existence to people in the world around me for quite some time to come. i will interact when engaged, but i just can't keep hoping and believing in things that no longer feel as if they are true or possible.

i imagine no one will really care that much. people will move on with their lives and maybe on occasion wonder what happened to that strange guy they met in a chat room long ago. it feels as if that's happening already. and it's probably all for the best. i can't exactly say that i feel i have much to offer anyway.

closed for business

i think i'm done.

guess i was wrong

doesn't look like september will be our month after all.

pulling together, falling apart

the title of this entry is a description of the dynamic that is my life right now. i'm back to the place where i start each day wondering how am i ever going to be able to muster the strength and level of engagement required to do what i have to do. i throw myself out of bed, push myself to the office, wolf down some breakfast and take my meds, stitch up lingering emotional wounds, and hop on the roller coast that is my (work) day.

at the end of the day, i gather my things together, i head down to my car in the parking garage, feeling those stitches beginning to pop all the way down into the elevator. i pull myself into the car for the brief drive home. i pull in my garage, drag myself up the stairs, change clothes, lug my laptop downstairs, turn on the tv, and fall on the couch. i might make dinner, i might not. i sit and i stare and i weep a bit as the last of the stitches come loose and the wounds bleed fresh again.

i wonder how long before the stitches don't hold at all and i just walk around emotionally bleeding openly and continuously? at times it feels like i don't have long and healing doesn't seem like even the remotest of possibilities.

passive pain

yesterday was a rough day. my therapy session was even more difficult to get through than i imagined it would be. so much so that i ended up crying on the drive all the way to my office. i somehow pulled it together for work and then came apart at the seams after being home for a few hours. a tear-filled retirement to bed at far too late an hour and the day was done.

today i am in much of the same emotional state as i have been for the past several days. the only difference is that my energy level is so low that i don't feel that i have the strength to engage the pain i've been feeling in any active way. rather than reflecting and pondering each thought, attempting to process what i'm feeling so that i try my best to reject the doubts and not to believe all the negative things i feel about myself, the thoughts just pour over my soul and there is nothing within me to resist what they tell me. and with that they just drag my mood down even further.

and now i am ten minutes away from a day of back to back meetings that run pretty much until five. i imagine that i will somehow manage to get through this day. and when i go home i will sit and stare at my computer or at the tv or at the wall. i will likely cry some more. i may have some online conversations but i know that i am done talking about how i am doing or whether or not life will get better. it's not really as if i believe that anyone cares anyway.

yet another weepy monday

so in the course of a couple of weeks, all of the progress i thought had been making has completely fallen apart. i am back to the deep sadness and darkness that has been my life for most of 2014. and i see no way of escaping it.

interestingly enough, i have a therapy appointment this morning. i wish i could say that i'm looking forward to it with the hope that it will provide some hope, but anyone who has been in therapy knows  that's not how it works. many sessions are just an exploration of one's pain and it is likely you will leave in no better emotional state than when you walked through the door. sometimes you leave even worse for the wear. i anticipate that this is the kind of experience i am in for this morning.

and from there i go to a full day in which i have to assume the role of inspirational and supportive leader. i have a retreat and other meetings for which to prepare, presentations to draft, and work to plan. it's difficult to do all of that when you have so many doubts about your worth and value as a person and that believing that your life will be anything but this lonely and disappointing mess is a truly foolish dream.

people keep telling me that i shouldn't feel embarrassed or foolish for having made my interests in someone i like known. risking getting hurt is a part of life they say. and all i hear in that is then maybe i'm not really made for this life. it's not as if i've ever felt that i was.

full circle

how to keep smiling indeed.

eight easy steps - alanis morisettee

shattered belief

it is a sad and painful experience to lose your trust in someone. today i visited the room of someone who professed to be my friend and to care for me. i no longer believe that either of those things are true. i'm not sure they ever were.

decimated

i didn't think there was a way to feel worse than i have so many times this year. i guess there is.