rested but still broken

well, today is the last official day of my two week vacation. it was another day spent on the beach in weather that was even nicer than yesterday. the last two weeks have certainly provided the much needed time to rest and relax but as i was sitting out on the beach i was questioning what was the condition of my heart.

certainly, i feel much better about my friendship with sean. i was so encouraged by my visit with my friend robin this past weekend and i have had an opportunity to interact with a wonderful group of people online. still, i could tell sitting there in the warm california sun that my heart is still in a fragile state and it makes me concerned about the days and weeks ahead. i still lack the confidence that life is going to get better and wonder if i am going to slide into that pit of depression i was in just a little over a week ago.

i so wish i could be better and maybe i'm being too impatient for healing to happen. even so, i'm not sure i can continue with life being in the same state for much longer.

a day in the sun/a contemplative moment on a pier

i had a pretty good day today. i have to admit i was a bit skeptical that it would turn out as well as it did. when i looked out the window this morning, the skies were overcast and the temperature was in the 60's. well, the cover did finally burn away by mid-morning, but the temps didn't rise much above the high 60's as i headed out to the beach. much to my surprise, as i got settled in after setting up my beach towel and chair and pulled out a magazine to read, the weather was really perfect. a gentle breeze and warm sun quickly had me down to my swim trunks, and i spent the next three hours being transported into a state of complete relaxation. it was the exact kind of day at the beach i had envisioned when i planned this trip.

however, as i shared with a couple of friends via text and email today, i am not one to allow a beautiful day at the beach to get in the way of my daily practice of melancholy contemplation. as i took a walk along the beach and out on the pier, i thought about the fact that my exposure to various men both in real life and virtually has made me realize that my desire to be in relationship with someone (or maybe relationships with someones) is growing. i'm also seeing that, while slightly less substantial, the barrier of being fearful of opening my heart to potential hurt is still very much in place. as i sat on the pier and looked out into the pacific, i thought how sad it is to have what i want most still be the very thing i am most afraid of. 

there's a song from my new favorite musical if/then that perfectly describes this dynamic. it comes as the character josh is trying to convince the recently divorced liz to take a chance on a relationship with him. as good fortune would have it, i was able to find a live recording of the song on the internet and so i can share the song with you.

the only thing i have left to add is that i hear this song and i think it must be wonderful to meet someone who understands you and desires to help you through your past hurts to find love with him. i hope there are at least a few more "joshes" out there for me to meet and know and even to love. 

you never know - james snyder (josh from the musical if/then)

vacationing alone

so i'm in the second and final week of my vacation and today finds me hundreds of miles from home for the second time over the course of this vacation period. this time i'm on the west coast for a beach trip. i've been looking forward to this trip ever since i booked my flight and made my hotel reservation. driving to the airport that enthusiasm was very much present, but once i arrived at the small regional airport my mood started to shift.

standing at the baggage claim, the thought came to me that this is the first time i've taken a vacation by myself to a new location in quite some time. a few glitches with the rental car and my hotel room later, i was sitting on the hotel room bed and wondering if this trip was a good idea after all.

i took a walk along the beach, listening to the cast recording of if/then, the whole time wondering yet again where my life is going. and the feeling of being particular alone and uncared for mixed with the sea air and flooded my inner most self. it was a long walk (and not as a result of the distance). and now i sit on this hotel room bed again and i think this may be a long three days. very long indeed.

a little tummy trouble

so i've been having some stomach troubles the last couple of days. i'm suspecting that it was brought about by something that i ate on sunday. i can tell you it made the 3 hour and 40 minute flight home quite an unpleasant trip. when i got home i immediately got into my pj's, climbed into bed, and slept for three hours. the rest of the evening was spent wishing someone would put me out of my misery.

today i'm doing a better but still experiencing the after effects. i don't know what it is but there's something about being sick when you are alone that makes the experience that much more difficult. maybe it's the fact that while you're lying in bed dealing with whatever illness, all you want is for someone to tell you that you will get better. 

i think that kind of reassurance is something i would like for my life writ large and not just related to my tummy. my time off has been good for providing me with a much needed rest, but i haven't yet been revitalized in my outlook on my life. maybe my next few days as i travel west to spend some time on the left coast will move me further along. i just know that i need for things to change in my life. i need friends and companionship and loving. most of all i need the ability to believe that all of these things are still possible for my life and that i am able to bring them about.

a sad sunday

so yesterday was a truly lovely day in the city that never sleeps. i had the opportunity first to spend the afternoon with one of my dearest friends in the world, walking through central park on a beautiful almost summer day. we talked and caught up on the various events of our lives. she patiently listened through my neuroses and offered the unfailing support and encouragement she always does. and of course, we laughed as only two longtime friends can do. it was true nourishment for my soul.

later, we met up with friends for a great thai dinner, a very nice desert at a french-inspired eatery, and then had the privilege of experiencing a tour-de-force performance by audra mcdonald in lady day at emerson's bar and grill. i have never had a more thrilling experience in theater as i did last night. i had read that it was a true transformation into the legend that is billie holliday, but still i had my doubts. from the first note it was clear that what i read was 100% spot on. if ever a tony award was well-earned, audra certainly did with this performance. it's a limited engagement and likely sold out for the rest of the run, but if you can get tickets, run don't walk to see this amazing show.

today, i woke up with a sense of a gentle sadness -- not the harsh and overwhelming pain of days and weeks previous but a light overlay of melancholy. if he had been able, today would have been the day that sean and i got to meet up and spend some time together. but his work and life have worked against that being able to come to pass and so instead i'm spending the day on my own. i ordered room service and i've got the times and the daily news beside me here in bed.  maybe later i will go out for a walk around midtown, but i don't anticipate much activity today.

over the course of the weekend, i've been fairly successful in pushing away the disappointment from my conscious mind. today not so much but i will endeavor to do so. the truth is life doesn't always work the way we want it to and lately for me "doesn't always" feels more like "most of the time" but we've got to move on from the hurt and work with what we've got someway, somehow. wish me well in doing so.