brain chemistry

depression and i have been long acquaintances. i even have a distinct memory of when we first met. i was eight and was in a blue mood, but i didn't understand why. i was sitting at the kitchen table and my mother was making breakfast and i remember saying to her, "mommy, i'm sad but i don't understand why because i don't have a reason to be sad." she matter of factly replied back, "oh honey, you're just depressed." for some reason that explanation seemed to be a satisfactory enough answer, and through it i was introduced to a new emotional construct (i have to admit though now i feel like, "what the f*** kind of answer was that for an eight year old?', but that's a topic of exploration for another time).

one would think knowing depression for about 40 or so years would mean i would have an intimate understanding of it. unfortunately, that is not the case. i do have a better understanding of the mechanics through the combination of  having a b.s. in biochemistry, popular culture reading and explanations from my primary care physician. i recognize that depression, like all emotions, is really just a descriptive of our reaction to various states of hormones in our brain. too much of some results in one emotional state, too little another. but as in many relationships, it's possible to know the other partner for a long time and still not understand them.

take this morning for instance. i was thinking about a certain situation and found myself feeling really down -- the kind of down that was out of proportion to the circumstance. upon further reflection, i recognized that the situation was likely not the cause of my depression, but that my already being in a depressed state was affecting the magnitude of my reaction. this specific example is not the first instance of my having to examine my reactions to experiences at deeper than surface level, and i'm sure it won't be the last.

this constant state of reflecting and questioning what one is feeling may seem like an exhausting exercise (and it is) but i also know it's necessary. the reason being that if i acted on every feeling at face value i would be making some seriously stupid judgement calls that would result in me and/or others being seriously hurt (i do that enough with the thorough emotional scrutiny. at least, in this case, the amount of emotional wreckage i've left behind has been mostly contained to me).

so what's the solution for this particular bout of depression? perhaps, variation in my medication may be what i need (yes, believe it or not, i actually do take prescription meds) and i certainly will ask my primary care physician about it on my next visit. the concern i have is that i suspect that it's really variation in my life that i need. does anyone know a doctor that can write a prescription for that?

a restless mind

after being wide awake at 1:30 a.m. today and reviewing a calendar of appointments that were neither urgent or, to be frank, very engaging, i decided to take a "mental health" sick day today. it's the first one i've taken since i've been in my current job, yet i'm wondering if i've lost the ability to take full advantage of the concept.

the idea was to step out of the work setting for a bit and decompress. what with a week of travel to three different cities for a variety of activities which required quite a bit of intense concentration and active dialogue with many new people, it shouldn't be surprising that this introvert needs some down time. yet while my body certainly got some wear, it's my mind that could really use the rest. unfortunately, it doesn't want to cooperate.

my thoughts keep racing from one idea, concept, experience, thing to accomplish, thing to change, disappointment, hope, concern, fear, desire, etc. to another. my body may be fairly still, but my mind is anything but. this is not a new phenomenon. in fact, as i've gotten older it feels as if my ability to choose consciously to relax cognitively seems to have diminished.

i don't think that's good. what's worse is, right now, i really don't want to be thinking about that or a number of other things at all.

after the performance

today's blog entry comes to you from the united club at the phoenix international airport. i'm sitting here with a view of the mountains to my right on a sunny and quite warm day, pondering the events of the last couple of days. right now i'm in somewhat of a funk. my energy and enthusiasm are low and all i can think about is getting back home.

this mood has not been helped by the fact that, due to a comedy of errors, i missed the flight i was booked on back to denver. to make a long story short, it appears that my assistant changed my flight to an earlier one but neglected to update it on my calendar. hence, i arrived just as my plane was leaving. good news is that i am now on the flight i originally thought i was going to be on. bad news is it's in not as good a seat and i could have been home three hours earlier.

anyway, the subject at hand came to me as i was driving from the hotel to the airport. well, at least part of it did. something readers here may or may not be aware of (after five years of entries, i've lost track of what i've shared and what i haven't) sometimes an entry title comes to me at the beginning of my writing and sometimes it comes after i've completed the entry. this time it was the former. however, after writing the title, i realized that it could really refer to two situations rather than just the originally intended one.

the original intention was to describe my state now. "the performance" refers to my condition during the conference i was attending this week. i arrived tired, frustrated and kind of down on life in general. not exactly in the mood for a work-related leadership conference. yet, during the time of the conference, i became engaged, vocal, energized with the subject matter at hand. i have often described this state as "my performance gene kicking in." somehow, someway my subconscious mind knows when i need to be "on" and provides my body and conscious self the lift they need to behave in the manner the situation at hand requires of me.

but then comes the after. removed from the situation, i often return back to the state that i was in prior to or even upon entering it. i'm feeling pretty discouraged about life on all sides right now. work feels particularly challenging as it still feels that we are not organized nor have the full complement of talent we need to operate in a way that can address the challenges we are encountering. i keep trying to help but my efforts alone feel insufficient given the enormity of the issues. i am impatient to see progress in our efforts and am at a lost to know how, when or even if that will happen.

on the personal front, i find that i may be growing as weary as michael of living remotely from one another. i know i am beyond weary of the status of my relationship with my mother. i've decided not to go visit her for the holidays. she indicated she was disappointed. i should have indicated that i am tired of having to make a choice between my partner and her at her insistence. i didn't. at least, i haven't yet. progress on both of these personal fronts is also frustratingly elusive as well.

so what of the other situation i indicated earlier to which the title could refer? well, i was treated to a "performance" of another sort yesterday. it was a surprise and gave me an added lift into the day. i think it was not so much what specifically happened as the idea that someone would do something nice for me that brought a smile to my face and a lightness to my heart. i really can't speak to the motivation of the act but i am grateful for the result however fleeting.

and so maybe it's this second meaning that i should look to for some encouragement, if not inspiration. it seems to show that when you're feeling frustrated and discouraged, an unexpected moment of lightness can appear and transform your mood even for a bit. in this season of life, i need more moments like that. a lot more.

drowning

too little sleep. too much travel. feelings of desire colliding with disappointment. all brought me to a moment like this last night. i'm better at this moment. but i still feel the waves lapping at my feet.

oceans by evanescence

more maybes

and so my travels continue. i'm currently at an airport starbuck's, whiling away the time as i wait for my flight to board in about an hour. the perfect time for a blog entry.

so the stopover was not quite what i expected. maybe to the outside observer (if there was an outside observer of my relationship with michael who witnessed our every moment interaction) it was normal. maybe it was what my relationship with michael has settled into. for me though it just seemed to confirm what i've been feeling for a little while now. things just seem to be a bit ... well... off.

this was michael's birthday weekend -- not a milestone bday mind you (save that it is the last year of this particular decade of his life and next year will begin a new one and will be a major milestone bday). the whole weekend seemed kind of odd with what i can only describe as listless conversation punctuating moments of tedium. that would be bothersome enough but one particular occurrence firmly set this particular weekend into "off" territory.

i had purposely arranged the timing of this trip so that i would be able to say happy birthday to him on his actual birthday which is today. what i had not counted on was his planning on leaving for the condo last night (quick clarifying comment. michael works in another town about 90 miles from st. louis. he bought a small condo last year in that town, so he doesn't have to commute during the week). in all fairness, he asked if i minded if he left and i did not raise any objections (i didn't really see the point. did i mention that michael has complained often that the weekends we spend together are too short and he wants to spend more time with me?). one consolation is he did call on his way out of town and say that he was glad that i stayed longer. still, last night i slept alone and woke up to no one to wish happy birthday. yay me.

maybe i'm just tired (i woke up at about 3:30 am and since i had to get up at 5 anyway to catch this early morning flight, i decided not to go back to bed). maybe i'm just in a hyper-sensitive mode of late, seeing issues where there are none. maybe the week ahead will provide a lift. maybe i'm just fooling myself about a lot of things. maybe ....