every day i carry this sadness. some days it hovers around me like a mist barely perceptible but very much there, such that emotions like happiness or joy are always muted, partially obscured by a thin veil. on other days, it is heavy and impedes my every thought and emotion, crushing any sense of hope or peace or optimism. sometimes, like now, it is so oppressive that it feels as if it's suffocating me - my lungs seem to take in only a quarter of the oxygen i require and my heart feels as if it's about to burst from the strain of merely existing from one moment to the next.
i have been like this for so many years they seem too numerous to account for, and the question that continues to come to mind over and over - is this all life has for me, and if so, why? no answers ever come. just more pain and a silence that i fill with tears.
Monday, August 5, 2019
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the subtext
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