new look

trying out a new look.

sounds familiar

for whatever reason, i just did a google search of the derivation of my name. one site had an extensive personality description, and i have to say, it was like looking in a mirror. here it is:

[Clarus] Name Meaning - A Latin Name For Boys

Origin: Latin

Historical Meaning: Clear, Luminous

Numerological Meaning.

Potential. Specialist - Expression / Destiny Number 7.

Positive. Thought, analysis, introspection, and seclusiveness are all characteristics of the expression number 7. The hallmark of the number 7 is a good mind, and especially good at searching out and finding the truth. [Clarus] is so very capable of analyzing, judging and discriminating, that very little ever escapes his observation and deep understanding. [Clarus] is the type of person that can really get involved in a search for wisdom or hidden truths, often becoming an authority on whatever it is he is focusing on. This can easily be of a technical or scientific nature, or it may be religious, it matters very little, [Clarus] pursues knowledge with the same sort of vigor. [Clarus] can make a very fine teacher, or because of a natural inclination toward the spiritual, [Clarus] may become deeply emerged in religious affairs or even psychic explorations. [Clarus] tend to operate on a rather different wavelength, and many of his friends may not really know [Clarus] very well. The positive aspects of the 7 expression are that [Clarus] can be a true perfectionist in a very positive sense of the word. [Clarus] is very logical, and usually employs a quite rational approach to most things [Clarus] does. [Clarus] can be so rational at times that [Clarus] almost seem to lack emotion, and when [Clarus] is faced with an emotional situation, [Clarus] may have a bit of a problem coping with it. [Clarus] has excellent capabilities to study and learn really deep and difficult subjects, and to search for hidden fundamentals. At full maturity [Clarus] is likely to be a very peaceful and a poised individual.

Negative. A limited degree of trust that [Clarus] may have in people. A tendency to be highly introverted can make [Clarus] a bit on the self-centered side, certainly very much self-contained . Because of this, [Clarus] is not very adaptable, and [Clarus] may tend to be overly critical and intolerant. [Clarus]'s really like to work alone, at his own pace and in his own way. [Clarus]'s neither show or understand emotions very well.

Desire. Spiritualism - Soul Urge Number 11. Much of his thinking and interests relate to the abstract, the spiritual, and utopian dreams. [Clarus] is motivated toward idealistic concepts, and the sharing of his ideas and concepts with humanity. This number is not one that is giving in a material or a practical sense, but rather one who desires to help mankind with a more abstract commodity such as religion, spiritualism, occult studies, or even psychic abilities.

Positive. [Clarus] has a dream of the perfect world; [Clarus] is highly idealistic and inspirational. His inner strength and devotion to his beliefs are extremely strong. [Clarus] has a very good mind that is especially well equipped to handle the higher, more abstract forms of thought.

Negative. The strong 11 is not a very practical person because of the extreme idealism; often, there is a degree of self-deception present. There is usually a rather fixed idea of right and wrong held by those showing strong 11 traits, and with this very often is a resulting attitude of inflexibility. [Clarus] may possess some the negative 11 traits. There is a tendency for the 11 to produce considerable amounts of nervous tension which is bought on by a very high level of awareness. [Clarus] may be too sensitive and overly emotional. In some cases, these sensitivities and emotions are quite repressed, and this tends to add even more to the sense of nervousness in the makeup.

insignificance

i watch the world go by as if a bystander looking at actions on a screen. my presence seems to matter little. i wonder if it ever has.

a note from michael

Dear [Clarus],

I take full responsibility for what has happened. I am sorry. I know that I messed things up--*I* did. All that I can say is I am ashamed and full of regret. Alcohol has cost me the most important thing in the world, again, and it was entirely in my hands. I am sorry for hurting you.

I hope that the [new] position comes through rapidly, and that you are happy.

LOVE and PEACE,

Michael

just thought it should be noted for the record that he is a good person. now back to my heart breaking.

burnt . . . out

it appears one of michael's chief complaints is that i didn't give him enough warning about the condition of our relationship. he thought everything was fine. for him my lack of communication seems to be at the root of the issue. here's my rebuttal. if you've been in a building that was set on fire by the person you're with and you stayed long enough in that building to have 70% of your body burned, yielding scarring that you're still dealing with,  then maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise that you might first flee the next building the two of you occupy when you see that same person carrying around a 5 gallon drum of kerosene and a book of matches. just saying. still perhaps i understate.

it's over

it's over and this time for good. michael doesn't want to see me again and i'm in pretty much the same place. his next to last note was filled with promises of doing better and disbelief at the fact that i was giving up "having it all." maybe he's right. maybe i am giving up having it all.

as often happens in my life, i was driving to work and a song came on that summed up everything that i was experiencing (click on song title, as usual, for audio):

it's not enough by avril lavigne

I’m sorry
If this hurts you
But I tried to keep what we had once
I was wrong
It wasn’t keeping me awake
You didn’t listen (You didn’t listen)
You didn’t hear me (You didn’t hear me)
When I said I want more
I got no more
You were stealing me away
Oh

[chorus]
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to give me
What it is I want
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to get me
Everything I need
And I, I wish it was
I think it’s time
To give this up

All the memories
That we’re losing
All the time
that I spent with you everyday
I think it’s running down the drain
I’m feeling (feeling)
That we’re fading
Don’t make this as hard as you think you’d be
It’s a lot easier than it seems
Yeah

[chorus]
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to give me
What it is I want
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to get me
Everything I need
And I, I wish it was
I think it’s time
To give this up

And I can feel it falling down
Slowly, slowly
I can see you’re starting to drown
Can’t stop it now
I can see ya burning out
So show me, show me
How are ya gonna turn it around because…?

[repeat chorus]
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to give me
What it is I want
It’s not enough,
it’s not enough
to get me
Everything I need
And I, I wish it was
I think it’s time
To give this up

all i ever wanted

all i have by beth nielsen chapman

disintegrated

perhaps not so slow. looks like it's over -- again.

last thoughts

i think this about says it all for now (listen to the refrain for my reality):
My Immortal

disintegration

it's beginning again . . . the slow death of a relationship. i don't know where it will end, but i do know it won't be the same. so much for happily ever after.

hurt

[disclaimer: written under the influence of two ambien at 2:54 a.m.]

I thought I had reached the point where these things didn't happen anymore. No more perceived rejections from the simplest and likely most benign of gestures. No more wounded hearts at cold shoulders turned away to me by virtual strangers. No more self-flagellation and self-pity because I am not more of this or less of that. No regretting the chasm of age that seems to be growing with each moment. But my heart is fragile still and my skin paper thin. And I just want to weep until sweet sleep claims me again.

doubt

I'm back in that place again. That place where all seems dark and bleak. The place where no light seems to penetrate, and I grasp and stumble about through days that seem mostly aimless and pointless. Most of all it is a place where I look around and question much of what I've experienced based on what I see in contrast. I see people doing fulfilling work and I question if I've ever known anything but the silliness, strife and pettiness that seems to be part of my daily endeavors. I see the expression of love of the purest kind, and I wonder if my heart has ever or will ever know the same. I see people embraced for what they contribute to life and can't help but think how I've always felt so marginalized. So much seems broken around me and within me. I do know that I've been to this place before and managed to emerge, I think, stronger and better. But who can say?

breathe

[click on the statements]
how i want to feel about love

how i feel about love

how i fear i'm destined to feel about love -- again

not a good time