song for a lonely saturday evening

all by myself - eric carmen

what does it mean?

as i was preparing to head out for my saturday morning errand run, i noticed a particular album sitting on the top of a stack of cd's that i'd recently purchased. it was a greatest hits compilation of a certain world renowned canadian singer. "this would be a good drive time soundtrack," i thought to myself, and so i scooped it up and carried it out to the car.

as the first song came on (posted below), the lyrics prompted my mind to wander into a sad mode of inquiry and realization. "what does it mean," i began asking myself, "that i am at a place where i really don't expect to ever feel good about my life -- that i believe happiness is something that will forever elude me?"

and in all honesty, i have no idea what the answer to that question is other than it's pretty apparent that the "place" i am in is not a good one. moving out of it feels like an objective that is well beyond my current capabilities to accomplish. and so here i sit and suffer, wondering what will become of my life.

where does my heart beat now - celine dion

a slow descent

it has been such a full week of activity and decisions that i have to say i'm pretty well spent both physically and mentally this evening. and while i am finding my typical friday decline into sadness less rapid than i've experienced over the last several months, i can tell that a decline is happening nonetheless.

i wonder if the wiser course of action would be to go to sleep now (even though it's just shy of 8 pm) rather than go through the inevitable contemplation of how lonely i am and how incomplete my life feels. a quick swallow of a pill and i can be off to slumber within the next 30-45 minutes.

while i find the idea tempting, it really would just mean waking that much earlier in the day tomorrow and starting on the same thinking process that much sooner with that much longer a duration to be mentally tortured. and that's pretty much been my weekends. waking or sleeping there's not much joy or comfort to be found. hopefully, yours will be a better experience.

not my normal self

one of the positive aspects of the organization i work for is that it provides various opportunities to reflect on and discuss the deeper meaning and purpose of what we do each and every day. i usually relish taking part in these activities as i find them to be renewing and energizing experiences.

over the last two days i have been one of about 20 participants in one of these type of events and while still a nice experience, it mostly served as a reminder that i am far from being my normal self. as i found myself writing in a message a couple of nights ago, there is something broken in me that isn't healing.

the insights and perspectives that were shared over the course of my work activity were ones that would normally resonate deep within me, providing encouragement and inspiration. this time the words failed to penetrate very far if at all. at one point i likened my engagement in the event to the act of describing what a warm summer day feels like while you are in the depth of winter. you may use the right words to describe what that experience is like, but you're not really able to feel what you're saying.

it's a shame really when the pain of one life experience robs us of enjoyment of others. unfortunately, that's the place i'm in right now. for how long i'll be in this place, who really knows, but if the past couple of days are any indication, it may be for quite some time to come.

hidden love

there's a scene in angels in america when the main character prior walter ascends into heaven and finds it in complete disarray. he learns from the angels of the various continents, who have been doing their best to run heaven by committee, that god has left to wander the universe with no indication of when or if he will ever return. it is this very poignant metaphor for how gay men, in particular,  must have felt at the height of the aids crisis -- as if they had been abandoned by god himself, left to die alone and in ruin.

i've thought about this scene quite a bit over the last few months. the sense of feeling as if god has abandoned you is one that i unfortunately resonate with lately. even in what i call my converted lapsed catholic state, i miss the palpable sense of the love of god present in my life. my engagement with that concept at this time is far more cerebral than visceral. i continue to choose to believe that god loves each and every one of us and so by default that means i need to believe that god loves me. and yet how that is manifest in my life seems very hidden and out of touch.

it does indeed disturb me that i feel this way. much of my connection to the work of the organization i am employed by and my work specifically has been fueled by both my belief in and experience of the love of god. it feels as if i'm missing an appendage without it. and life seems to be pretty pointless as well.

i'm sure it has not helped that i have many voices from my past and present (my mother chief most among them) that have worked to convince me that as long as i profess to desire the love of a man, god wants nothing to do with me. i have done my best to hold fast to the belief that i can have both in my life. my resolve on that front has greatly diminished.

to help get me through, i keep saying the simple prayer of "lord, help my unbelief." how god chooses to answer that prayer will certainly go a long way to demonstrate which side has the correct perspective.

more late night ramblings

every night it's the same drill
how do i keep on going? why do i have to keep on going?
what's the point?
work just seems relentless and i question what am i really accomplishing?
and what for? to just head home to no one and nothing
i think it's asking these kinds of questions on here that got me in trouble on sunday
all i've ever wanted was to just be a good person that contributed to making the world a little better
and gave my love and had it returned
and now i'm alone
if god is keeping score i seem to be on the losing side
and thus playeth the same broken record for the umpteenth time

about secret friends

the lyrics of the verses of this song describe a relationship with a very different dynamic than ours. and yet as i listen to the words of the choruses and bridge, i have wondered, "is this us, and more particularly is this you in the titular role even a few months hence?" and i close my eyes and my fears trickle out and i see your face with that familiar smirk and i hear you say, "you worry too much." and all i can think in response is, "yes, i do. yes, i do." and i wonder, "shouldn't someone?"

hands clean - alanis morissette

conflicting self-images

i had another "triggering event" today. that's the term i've started using to describe an experience that sets off a cascade of painful thoughts filled with self-doubt and despair about the state of my life. these are the words that i wrote in an online chat earlier today that set the wheels in motion:

i feel like i'm in a fight for my survival and i don't think i'm winning
i've had to go to sleep early the past few nights just so i could escape my thoughts
i sometimes wonder if i really should express some thoughts
they seem to inflict their own kind of pain when i do

now it is not just the words in and of themselves that were the triggering event. it was also the context in which they happened. i shared these thoughts in kind of a monologue over about 15 minutes and then for an additional 12 minutes more there was just silence. no word from the other end. i finally decided that there was no response coming and chose instead to sign off and take a walk.

it was during that walk that i faced the same demons that have been haunting me and i've written about for months. "this is clearly not working," came one voice. "why do you keep putting yourself in  this situation to be hurt and disappointed again and again?" declared another. and on and on the thoughts came of criticism about the particular situation that then grew to broader generalities about my worth and value to others and my prospects for a better future. it was a long walk -- not just due to the distance but also as a result of the bleak outlook that was being drawn for my life.

when i got back, i discovered that my online chat companion had come on about six minutes after i signed off (which would have been 33 minutes after his last comment) to say that he would be back and that he was in the midst of doing some work around his house. i'm not sure if he had seen my previous messages or not when writing the response or if he just realized he hadn't been on in a while and wanted to send a note explaining his absence.

i should point out that i have tried to look at the entire situation as unfortunate timing. i picked the exact wrong moment to share a particular vulnerability. in pondering why i was so pained about the silence, it occurs to me that it's at those moments that i'd like to hear even the slightest words of acknowledgment that the other person hears me and that he/she cares about the struggle i'm experiencing. not hearing anything just seemed to be reaffirmation that no one really cares what i'm experiencing. that i am indeed alone in the world.

it was just bad timing i've tried to tell myself. and yet that hasn't stopped me from wondering if it isn't time to just delete the skype, silence the phone and just move on to what i have no idea but away from the pain.

debating this next step has caused me to realize i have two conflicting images of myself. one is the perspective that i tend to always want to flee from hurtful situations. throughout the course of a couple of friendships at different times in my life and particularly during my relationship with michael, i struggled with this part of me. it's seeing this self-image that makes me think, "don't be ridiculous. you can't walk away from a relationship just because you're experiencing some unintentionally caused pain."

but then there's the other image. it's the one that sees that though i did struggle with the "flight mentality" with michael, not only did i stay with him for many years, but i went back to the relationship after having left on two different occasions -- a relationship that was actually quite dysfunctional and damaging to me. i should have left and never looked back and should have probably done so much earlier than i did in 2008. so this image is of a person that doesn't know when to leave a situation that is bad for him -- one who persists in deceiving himself that things will get better.

and so who am i in this scenario? i have no fucking clue.