swimming upstream

it seems that i never have a greater appreciation for conditioned behavior as when i am attempting to act in a way that is opposite of what my instincts tell me. i am most definitely in that time now as i am finding myself initially reacting to certain circumstances and situations in the way that i have learned to over many years. it is only when i ask myself additional questions that i realize that the initial reaction is based on conditioning grounded in a particular perspective on life -- a certain belief that my life's purpose should be ultimately about achieving certain goals.

you know those goals - marriage, family, career success, wealth, power, and so on. and the conditioning that comes with these goals is the more of these things you achieve in life the better your life will be. and by in large, we experience that not only is that perspective not necessarily true, it is most definitely not true in the same way for every person.

of all of those goals, i think the one that has been held up to be the most important in my life is marriage. finding your soul mate and living happily ever after has been the holy grail illusion i have been taught to aspire to if i ever hoped to have lasting love in my life. and so now i find myself in the place where i am questioning if that is true for me.

doing so, as is the case with the questioning of most societal norms, feels like the proverbial salmon swimming upstream. everything in our culture glorifies finding the "right" one. movies, tv shows, books, commercials, magazine ads, billboards all declare that our life's mission should be to find our one true love (they also tend to espouse the need for the other goals i listed but i can only contend with going against one societal norm at a time). and yet here i am thinking that this is a goal that i cannot continue to aspire to and remain sane -- particularly since i no longer trust the promise of life fulfillment from such a relationship.

here is the most challenging element of swimming upstream.  while those going with the flow at least have some idea of the destination they are attempting to reach and have plenty of company along the way, those of us heading in the opposite direction do so without a pre-determined locale in mind (we just trust that we'll know it when we reach it) and tend to have few sojourners to encourage us along the way (though there are plenty of critics in the downstream group).

and with that, yet again i am reminded of why i picked this particular title for this blog as a signifier of my hope and trust in the belief that it is indeed enough to be on your way. thanks jt.

the momentum of progress

it has been a pretty good day. i thought i would start with that since so many of my entries of late have been about my having anything but a good day. being a "tank half full" kind of guy, it is always helpful (actually essential) to have a day that you realize that you're not moving along life's highway on empty. this fact is particularly true when you've been in a season of life in which life has seemed to have stagnated and no signs of progress are anywhere in sight.

it may be coincidence, but i've noticed over my lengthening lifetime that the sense of experiencing progress starts to happen on multiple fronts as soon as progress begins in one. it is truly the domino effect in action. knock over the first one and others begin to fall with ever increasing speed. now while the effort that it takes to move the first literal domino in a chain is fairly minimal, starting the momentum of progress in life seems to most often require courage to change, willingness to let go, and the ability to persevere through pain (be it physical, emotional, or both).

as is probably pretty evident, the first domino for me has been the break-up with michael. it was not easy, and it has indeed been painful (the emotional variety). even so,while there have been tears and sadness, i have that peace in the heart feeling that you only experience when you know you've done the right thing no matter how difficult.

over the last few days, i have been reminded and made aware of progress that is being made on several fronts here at work and again this progress has resulted because of significant effort on the parts of many people. it is good to see progress. i hope the momentum continues.

did someone order a paradox?

if so you're in luck because it appears your order is in.

there was a specific moment yesterday when i became so acutely aware of my hunger for physical and emotional intimacy, it was as if the revelation was a psychic explosion that blew a crater-sized hole through the center of my heart. as i pondered the emotional devastation on the plane ride home, i was struck with two thoughts:

i feel so completely alone.

so, in this moment of loneliness, you have decided to walk away from the one intimate relationship that has been your only viable prospect for coping with said loneliness possibly condemning you to a life of complete and utter isolation.

a quick google search reveals that one definition of a paradox is "a statement or proposition that, despite sound (or apparently sound) reasoning from acceptable premises, leads to a conclusion that seems senseless, logically unacceptable, or self-contradictory." on the face of it, my two thoughts taken together seem to fit the proverbial bill of this definition.

needless to say, this was not a particularly enjoyable day in my week thus far. upon further reflection and discussion with a friend and work colleague, who herself had a long-term relationship end in divorce, an additional fact emerged that meets another definition i found of the paradox, being, "something (such as a situation) that is made up of two opposite things that seem impossible but is actually true or possible."

what was that additional fact? the reality that, while i may have been in the form of an intimate relationship with michael, i was actually as alone in the relationship as i would have been without it. in fact, my hunger for intimacy actually was the result of having been on a "starvation diet" in the midst of the relationship rather than resulting from the termination of said relationship.

i mentioned in an entry earlier this week that i may have surprised, shocked and/or even disappointed a friend with a nascent developing different outlook on coupling. simply stated that outlook is that i no longer trust the belief that being in a marital-like, monogamous relationship will meet my desire for love and connection. actually, even more simply stated, at this point the prospect of being in another such relationship makes me sick to my stomach.

now i will allow that a reasonable argument against this new perspective is that i've only experienced one such relationship. just because it was not the right one doesn't mean that the whole concept is invalid. however, as i also shared with my friend over pizza and margaritas, i haven't said that that particular form of relationship is in of itself wrong. i'm just thinking it may be wrong for me.

the only problem that remains is, after 48 years of having been formed and encouraged to believe that this relationship construct is what i so desperately needed to have a fulfilling life, i'm finding it more than a little difficult to dislodge that particular perspective from my mental map. even moreso, i'm worried that once removed will i be able to fill the hole it leaves behind.

the infatuation equation

infatuation. puppy love. crushes. different names for the same experience that i've been pondering over quite a bit of late. one explanation for why that is the case is, for some reason, the end of a relationship causes you to relive the beginning when infatuation ruled the day and everything was fresh and new. and what a time it is -- the utter fascination with anything and everything the object of your desire says and does, the eager anticipation of when you will next get to see that person,  excitement of every new learning of the things you share in common and even the things you don't, the lightness you feel in your heart, in every step, in every breath. it can indeed be a wonderful time.

as we all know, infatuations are not always found in the context of a romantic relationship (in fact it probably occurs more often out of that context than within it). a new co-worker, a celebrity, someone you meet in a chat room or at a cocktail party, even someone you see in line at starbucks or riding on the train can become the object of infatuation. and the feeling can be fleeting or it can linger for days, weeks, months or even longer.

when kept in the proper perspective, infatuations can be really sublime experiences. they are like little stimulants to the heart and are reminders of the joys of attraction and dreaming of what our lives can become. but the line between "proper perspective" and "unrealistic expectations" is often a wavy one, and in a moment, you can easily find yourself on the wrong side of the infatuation equation. that's when some of the darker sides of infatuation emerge -- jealousy, heartache, dissatisfaction with what is in the face of what you wish would be, boiling pet rabbits (just kidding on that last one).

so with this reflection naturally comes some music -- three songs this time. each speaks to a different shade of the infatuation experience and the emotions it elicits.

tomorrow, i will be sharing some additional thoughts i had today regarding my current state post-breakup -- working title "did someone order a paradox?" until then, enjoy the music.

what if - colbie caillat

you're beautiful - james blunt

1000 times - sara bareilles

concerned

i guess today is a two-fer tuesday at the ietboyw blog. just read an email from michael in which he expressed concern that i had "defriended" him on facebook. as you will recall from yesterday's entry rather than eliminating michael as a friend, i actually just deactivated my account. the note i received reminded me of a song that is probably a rather obvious choice, and yet, even in the obvious, there can be revelation.

it's a song that expresses what often happens at the end of a relationship and the fears that people have of what may happen when a relationship ceases to be. michael and i have certainly made assurances that we will remain friends, yet listening to the lyrics of this song i can see how there may be reasons to be concerned.

somebody that i used to know - gotye

some things remain

so i had dinner last night with a friend that i had not seen or been in much contact with for a little over a year. it was nice to see him, but i think he was more than a bit surprised by my changes in my outlook on life, love, and relationship. after we parted ways, his reaction did have me wondering if maybe i've become a bit more hardened and less optimistic about the prospects for my life. or is it i have become open to different possibilities than i would have entertained previously and am learning to be content with them?

whatever the case, i awoke this morning with this song in my mind. it's from the very first broadway show i ever experienced. my mother took me and a friend to see it for my 10th birthday and this particular song has been imbedded in my heart ever since. interestingly enough, this blog takes its name from another song that also explores the concept of "home." that is the title of the song i am sharing here, and while i think my perspectives on how the lyrics fit my life at this time have shifted somewhat, the same ideals and hopes about what home should mean remain.

home - stephanie mills from the original cast recording of the wiz

the expanded universe of the break-up

so this morning i was reminded that even when living hundreds of miles from one's ex, the chances of "running into" him still exist due to the presence of that other little corner of the internet known as facebook. a few moments ago, i logged on to my email and there awaiting me was a message stating that michael had commented on something i had linked to on facebook. that was certainly a jolt i did not need pre-first morning cup of coffee.

now i bear no animosity toward michael, and i imagine that one day we will be able to talk and correspond like old friends. today though my emotions are still a bit raw for a reminder of his existence. plus the message brought to mind that he would soon be updating his profile and making comments about said break-up and receiving sympathy messages from his friends about what a jerk i am and how could i do this to him again. many of which would trigger a message to me via email. so i naturally did what any rational, mature adult would do. i deactivated my facebook account.

given that michael lives on (and for) facebook, it seemed only logical that he get that as part of the settlement of our ended relationship. doing so reminded me of another song from sara bareilles's newest album (link posted below and i hope you've purchased the blessed unrest by now). ah, for the days when you just needed to give up a small parcel of geography like manhattan to avoid bumping into your ex.

manhattan - sara bareilles

maybe i am crazy

this entry was originally going to be entitled "three strikes" but then i read an email from michael and thought the current title was more appropriate. in said email, the former spousal unit expressed what i choose to believe was genuine concern for me. as part of that concern, he recommended that i seek therapy.

and maybe he's right. maybe i do need to be under psychiatric care. if anything it would be helpful to my better understanding why after two other attempts to live in a dysfunctional relationship, i returned for a third tour of duty only to end up, unsurprisingly, back at the same dead end. the interesting thing is that while michael views the breakup as a sign of my instability, i view it as the first productive thing i've done since my downward spiral into depression. to me it's a sign, however incipient, that the healing process has begun. but even in healing there is pain and today my heart has been heavy and my eyes a bit misty -- both for what has been let go of and trepidation about what is to come.

here's one more song about the end of relationship. it is in essence the parting message i left with michael and the hope that two goodbyes can lead to (better) new lives.

let me go - avril lavigne (featuring chad kroeger)