if i didn't know better, i would swear that this woman is psychically stalking me. yet another song that expresses where i've been of late.
spiral - alanis morissette
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
a parent's desire
a few nights ago i was watching a reality tv program throughout which parents were reflecting on their desires for their children. one phrase that seemed to come up over and over is, "most of all i just want them to be happy." more often than not this was stated as the conclusion of a discourse on what the parent would do or choose themselves for the child. it was a declaration that "no matter what i as the parent may choose, i want my child to make the choices that are in her/his best interest, that will lead to a fulfilling life for her/him." it was the type of selfless declaration that i think is the ideal of good parenting.
now i've heard this statement made by parents in a variety of settings both real and fictional. what was most interesting about this particular time is the realization that came to me that i never had heard my own parent utter these words about me. and the more i thought about it, the more i recognized how unlikely it would have been or ever would be for my mother to make this statement about my life. now don't get me wrong, i very much believe that my mother would like me to have a happy life. it's just that the "happy life" needs to fit within her definition of how she thinks i should be living my life and what she believes should make me happy.
when i think about the many different ways i've varied from the course that she would have set for my life had she been in control of the wheel (rather than a persistent backseat driver), the picture i see is a life that is very, very different than the one i am now living. given my current struggles, i'm tempted to think that i haven't done such a great job in guiding myself toward that satisfying life and that maybe i should have followed her plan rather than my own instincts and desires. then again if i look closely at the life my mother would have chosen for me i see a man in a job he doesn't like, in a relationship that is a lie, in a religious and community context that is stifling and condemning, and in a mental and emotional state that makes where i am now look like sheer bliss.
so as much as i would have loved to have the kind of benediction that "i just want him to be happy" would have provided my life's journey, i'm going to just have to do my best to make it through without it. wish me luck.
now i've heard this statement made by parents in a variety of settings both real and fictional. what was most interesting about this particular time is the realization that came to me that i never had heard my own parent utter these words about me. and the more i thought about it, the more i recognized how unlikely it would have been or ever would be for my mother to make this statement about my life. now don't get me wrong, i very much believe that my mother would like me to have a happy life. it's just that the "happy life" needs to fit within her definition of how she thinks i should be living my life and what she believes should make me happy.
when i think about the many different ways i've varied from the course that she would have set for my life had she been in control of the wheel (rather than a persistent backseat driver), the picture i see is a life that is very, very different than the one i am now living. given my current struggles, i'm tempted to think that i haven't done such a great job in guiding myself toward that satisfying life and that maybe i should have followed her plan rather than my own instincts and desires. then again if i look closely at the life my mother would have chosen for me i see a man in a job he doesn't like, in a relationship that is a lie, in a religious and community context that is stifling and condemning, and in a mental and emotional state that makes where i am now look like sheer bliss.
so as much as i would have loved to have the kind of benediction that "i just want him to be happy" would have provided my life's journey, i'm going to just have to do my best to make it through without it. wish me luck.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
stupor
so it's the second day of the work week and while i am physically present my mind seems to have wandered off somewhere without the rest of me. while my sleep wasn't the greatest, it certainly wasn't out of the ordinary. and yet i find myself sitting here losing track of thoughts and intentions ("what am i doing?" seems to be a common mental refrain this morning). i thought maybe writing something would help focus me, but each word, each keystroke seems to take quite a bit of effort. and between the sentences i catch myself in long pauses, staring at the screen -- my mind blank.
the good news is that i don't have a lot of meetings to do and no major deadlines to meet. the bad news is i still have work to do and staring out into space was not on the planned agenda nor will it be helpful to accomplishing what i need to do.
the emotional warfare of the past few days seems to taken even more out of me than i had realized. even the opportunity to connect last night and have some explanation of the other side of what i was experiencing has done little to wrest me free from the hold "the voices" have on me.
and what will it take to do so, i wonder. i'm not exactly sure but i know that i will know when i experience it. until that happens (should it occur) here's a song that i shared last night that certainly matches my mood and is an apt descriptor for the state i'm in.
not as we -- alanis morissette
the good news is that i don't have a lot of meetings to do and no major deadlines to meet. the bad news is i still have work to do and staring out into space was not on the planned agenda nor will it be helpful to accomplishing what i need to do.
the emotional warfare of the past few days seems to taken even more out of me than i had realized. even the opportunity to connect last night and have some explanation of the other side of what i was experiencing has done little to wrest me free from the hold "the voices" have on me.
and what will it take to do so, i wonder. i'm not exactly sure but i know that i will know when i experience it. until that happens (should it occur) here's a song that i shared last night that certainly matches my mood and is an apt descriptor for the state i'm in.
not as we -- alanis morissette
Monday, February 3, 2014
the bleed
to this point i've been managing to keep the depression and struggle i experience at night and on the weekends separated from my work day. today that's not working and the effects of the weekend are bleeding into the experience of today. it hasn't helped that over the weekend, i was relocated to a smaller office space that right now feels cramped, cluttered, and completely unwelcoming. and this situation plays perfectly into the hand of the voices who have laid claim to my heart and mind.
"no one cares about you and what you need," they snicker, "not here or anywhere else." "you are small and insignificant and no one would miss you if you were gone."
i wish i could go. not to death (as admittedly the voices sometimes whisper) but just away. i envy the people in the frontier days of our country. if you truly wanted to leave and start life completely over again you could. all you needed was the perseverance to move a great distance and you could literally begin anew, even with a different name and life story. There was no need for birth certificates or social security cards to establish one's identity or history. people just took you at your word that you were who you said you were.
the only problem with this fantasy scenario is that one's external environment has only a little to do with the satisfaction one experiences in life. the more significant contributor to that dynamic is the conditon of the interior self and you carry that with you wherever you go.
i imagine today is not going to be an easy one. moving furniture around, hanging pictures, unpacking, and while the voices dance with glee and delight of their recent capture, i keep waiting and hoping to hear a familiar chime that says maybe all is not lost, maybe i matter even a little bit to a certain someone. maybe.
"no one cares about you and what you need," they snicker, "not here or anywhere else." "you are small and insignificant and no one would miss you if you were gone."
i wish i could go. not to death (as admittedly the voices sometimes whisper) but just away. i envy the people in the frontier days of our country. if you truly wanted to leave and start life completely over again you could. all you needed was the perseverance to move a great distance and you could literally begin anew, even with a different name and life story. There was no need for birth certificates or social security cards to establish one's identity or history. people just took you at your word that you were who you said you were.
the only problem with this fantasy scenario is that one's external environment has only a little to do with the satisfaction one experiences in life. the more significant contributor to that dynamic is the conditon of the interior self and you carry that with you wherever you go.
i imagine today is not going to be an easy one. moving furniture around, hanging pictures, unpacking, and while the voices dance with glee and delight of their recent capture, i keep waiting and hoping to hear a familiar chime that says maybe all is not lost, maybe i matter even a little bit to a certain someone. maybe.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
unconditional surrender
the sun will set soon. the battle is over and the voices have penetrated my deepest defenses. the voices have won. they are right and i have been a fool -- to trust, to hope, to believe. i have offered an unconditional surrender, and they have taken possession of my heart and mind. maybe they will do better with them than i have.
losing
it has not been a good weekend at all. i've been trying to quiet the voices of doubt and despair as they advance to claim my heart and mind. as each hour passes by it seems they get stronger and my supply of hope and reason diminishes further. it's clear i need reinforcements, but none are apparent on the horizon. what happens if or when the voices win?
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