a pit of uncertainty

uncertainty. i think this is the word that best describes my feelings about my life at the moment; and, as i've written quite a few times of late, being in this state is driving me crazy. i can live with a certain degree of ambiguity, but to have every aspect of life feeling as if it's up in the air is taxing me to the extreme.

naturally, my nature has been to want to "fix" it. i want to assess the issue, develop a plan, work the plan, and reach my desired outcome. i recognize that many of the people i know would respond to that statement with, "ok, go ahead and do that." believe me i wish i could. i really do. what's stopping me? well, i think it's a few things.

first, being in a depressed emotional state for the past two years has not exactly been the best foundation from which to deal with a life that feels it's in chaos. in fact, it's probably the depression that has contributed to my seeing my life in this way.

second, i've never really been very adept at dealing with interpersonal relationship issues, which are a great part of the current struggles. the difficulty i have in managing my way through these challenges  is so great that i tend to become very primal about my reactions to disappointments and hurts in this space. it's "fight or flight" when one gets into that kind of state, and, by in large, my instinct is to run as far and fast as i can.

as recounted in a previous recent entry, i've had a recent disappointment in one friendship, and last night i have to admit that the thought of putting on those running shoes did come to mind. i'm going to stay put, but in doing so, the ever present fear looms large that that while i maintain the course, he's going to leave me behind, maintaining what feels like his slow and unrelenting walk out of my life.

third, and forgive my internal anglophile for coming out, i have no bloody idea where to even begin. it just all seems like too much at once -- work, loneliness, relationship dynamics (both family and friends) that i don't understand and wish so much could be different, dealing with an ex that persists in wanting support from me (both emotional and financial) and the list goes on.

i was thinking the other day, as i was walking to the parking garage at work, about this almost insatiable need i continue to have for something really good to happen in my life (and soon). i realized that the reason i've concentrated so much on that happening at work is that it seems that a work change (in the form of a promotional opportunity that provides more authority) is the easiest place for that something really good to happen.

it just seems to me that if that positive change happens there, then maybe that can be the first rung of the ladder by which i can pull myself out of this pit of uncertainty within which i've become so deeply mired. and with one pull up, maybe another rung will emerge, and then another and hopefully before i know it i will be out of the pit and in the midst of a more fulfilling life.

if this path is indeed a part of my future, i just hope i have the strength to to continue through what has seemed to be a very, very long wait.

speaking of perseverance in the face of uncertainty, here's a song that i hope will help me (and you if you need it) to find some encouragement to hang in there.

not giving up - amy grant

when will the string end?

so following an admittedly difficult night in which i went to bed more than a little weepy, i had to board a plane early this morning to head out of town on a business trip. as we were in the air, i started contemplating my reaction to the news of my friend not being able to meet up with me later this month.

this particular reflection centered on why the news had affected me so deeply. after not too long a time, the thought came to me that at least one reason for the strong reaction was that it just felt as if i was experiencing yet another disappointment in what has seemed an unending string of them over the past couple of years.

in work, in various relationships, in opportunities that never came to fruition, it seems that it has just been one heartbreak after another. "when," i asked myself, "is this string of disappointments going to end? when will events start going my way and the things i hope for actually start coming to pass?"

i don't think these are unreasonable questions. maybe not but the answers are still eluding me.

lost again

so i had a chance to do a bit of catch up with my friend earlier this evening. in the midst of the chat, he shared that it is unlikely that we will get to meet up in a couple of weeks. my initial reaction was some disappointment even though i knew the chances were slim that it would come to pass.

as the evening has worn on, my mood has continued to decline. i'm surprised by this phenomenon to be honest given that i really did not expect that we would actually meet. All my previous invitations to similar meet ups have come to nothing. Our brief meet up at the beginning of this year was actually my friend asking to come visit and there's a part of me that believes what motivated him was that i was having such a difficult time over the holidays that he felt sorry for me. in any event, there has been a cloud of sadness hovering over me all night.

i think the more concerning matter is i'm feeling a bit lost with respect to the purpose of this particular friendship. i have no strong sense of what it's all supposed to be about. i feel as if i've done everything i know how to encourage and foster a close friendship and it hasn't made a bit of difference. i have no idea of how to move forward. i really don't know what to do anymore, and i don't really know what i'm doing it for.

so many unknowns

yesterday, i was sitting in my car following several moments of thinking through all of the aspects of my life. well, perhaps "thinking through" would be overstating the activity. maybe, "thinking about" would be more appropriate as i found myself left with more questions than answers.

i thought about work and how all the challenges that i've experienced over the course of the year have left me so uncertain about what lies ahead. should i dig in more to make a difference? should i "go along to get along"? is my disappointment and dissatisfaction with what has happened deriving from my convictions that the plans i've begun are the right thing to do for our long-term success or is it that my frustration comes from being tired of having a job with so little authority to drive the work and make things happen -- where every decision i make or work i put into motion can be undermined and derailed by my boss? should i just pack it all in, move back east on to another job with greater accountability and a new start in life?

i thought about this one particular friendship and how we are making another attempt at trying to see one another this month. even so, as our mutual contact becomes less frequent, i just wonder if it is going to last for the long haul as i hope it will. i know that changes come in life, and yet i'm still struggling. am i reacting to what is actually happening between us or are my perceptions skewed by my past experiences with other friendships that have started off so promisingly only to flame out just as they were getting started? is the fear of loss fed by the fact that i am an unknown quantity in his broader life, making it all the easier to forget about me over time? and how will i deal with the fallout if what i fear comes to pass?

i thought about the email i received from my mother this week in which she indicated that she was still waiting for a call from me. and as i get closer to making that call, i think, should i tell her about the fact that i've been experiencing a significant depression over the past couple of years? it is a fact i've hidden from her for fear she will be judgmental and critical. if she is, will i be able to handle that kind of treatment? will she blame it on the fact that i've long ago accepted my sexual orientation and now live unapologetically as an out gay man? will i respond in anger if she is insensitive to me? will our relationship ever, after 16 years, even closely approximate what it was prior to my coming out to her?

i thought about being alone and my desire for companionship. is it possible that i will meet someone that is meant for me and for whom i meant? and if so, how long will it take? is it silly for me to even hope for such a thing? if not, do i have a sufficient amount of courage and self-esteem to seek out and begin a new relationship? if i am not managing my feelings about the friendship referenced a couple of paragraphs up very well, how am i going to deal with the inevitable concerns about rejection that come when you really, really like someone and want them to feel the same about you? am i even capable of love given the failure of my relationship with michael? how long can i go on without a deep and abiding love in my life?

so as i started up my car, i just thought about how there are so many unknowns right now, and being the kind of person i am, i want them all figured out and the answers made plain now. unfortunately (for me at least), that's not how life works. more often than not, these type of answers are revealed  (if there is enough time) through our daily experiences.

even so, i'm still waiting for that really good thing to happen soon -- that breakthrough that will make me see that my life can be good and that, just maybe, the things i hope for can come to pass in my lifetime.

hope, prayer and time - julia fordham