stopover

so my travels continue with a stopover in st. louis to visit with michael. while it is always a delight to have time with the spousal unit, i find my visits to st. louis to always be a challenge. while it doesn't help that my hubby is somewhat domestically incapable and the house generally still resembles a scene from "grey gardens," the challenge i speak of is more interior than exterior.

while i certainly experienced and learned quite a bit when i lived here on a more permanent basis, not all of the experiences were good and the learning was not always pleasant. in fact there was much pain involved with each.

while i was on the back deck last night, waiting for our dog to finish her business, i was very much struck with the thought of how the emotional pain i experienced is very much resident in this place. i choose the word "resident" purposely as it is very much as if all of the struggle and hurt that i experienced actually lives here, waiting for me to come back for a visit. and as with any visit to a city where one used to live, there are times when i see this "old friend" in passing, others when he comes and sits down with me for a nice long chat, and some when i don't see him at all. he's never actually welcome, and i tend to find myself always on edge as to whether or when he will appear.

last night, it was a passing glance. no specific memories but just the general feeling of sadness that the troubled times left in their wake. then again, i did bring some of that feeling with me. i'd hoped that i could leave it behind when i move on to my next destination, but i know it will just be waiting for me the next time i return.

am i my father's son?

some of you who come by to read this blog know that i did not know my father. my parents were separated shortly before i was born and divorced when i was around six or seven. the time of their entire relationship was probably about five years. i only have one memory of his visiting when i must have been around four years old. he was in the army and was visiting while he was on leave. he came in his dress blues uniform, and i remember sitting on his lap and staring at the shiny pins on his chest.  i also remember feeling very loved at that moment.

my father died when i was 14 under "mysterious" circumstances. he was wounded in the vietnam war and had been on pain medication for the rest of his life. he died of an overdose of that medication. whether by accident or on purpose is the critical unknown. he would have been about 35 years old -- about 13 years younger than i am now.

from what i've pieced together over time, i can tell he did not have a happy adult life, as brief as it unfortunately was. at the funeral, i learned his life had been pretty aimless -- two more marriages that ended (one that yielded two children), no steady employment, and some run-ins with the law (a recent internet search on my own name, which, save for my middle name, i share with my father, yielded an arrest report for him from 1970 for disorderly conduct).

my most significant piece of evidence is a letter my mother gave me that he wrote to her in which he suggests they finally divorce. he sent it from germany where he was stationed at the time. it is a heart wrenching piece in which he expresses regret for how their relationship turned out. as part of his reasoning for ending their marriage, he states that it actually would be better for all involved especially me as he speculated his presence in my life would only bring problems given the "mess" his life turned out to be.

with all that i don't think it's too far a stretch to believe my father also suffered from acute depression, experiencing many times in life like the one i am having now. these moments are certainly difficult in the degree and depth of emotional pain one experiences. i am grateful for the medication that at least allows me to function and fulfill my responsibilities at such a time as this.

my life experience has been distinctly different from my father's. i have experienced some modicum of personal and professional success. i am in a loving relationship that has weathered its share of challenges over 12 years. still, in this current time of struggle, when joy seems so far removed from my daily experience and relief seems to be nowhere in sight, i wonder how much more i share with my father than a just a name.

i am not happy

these are the words that came to mind as i was staring out the window of a plane traveling at 30,000 feet bound for miami. people who know me are well aware i use these words, said in a particular slow, deliberate cadence, when i am encountering a situation about which i am particularly displeased. if you read yesterday's blog, be aware that this particular phrase came to mind on more than one occasion over the course of that day. then again, it's been coming to mind quite a bit over the course of many days.

so what prompted today's reflection? i had been reading some business magazines, which invariably sets my mental gears in motion with ideas for solutions to current situations we're facing in our organization. as the ideas flowed, i encountered yet again the frustration of not being positioned in the right way to capitalize on them. and that frustration was just the first toppled domino that led to a cascade of thoughts on other aspects of my life about which i am frustrated which led to those four simple words, "i. am. not. happy."

not a fun start to the day and i wish i could say that my mood is much improved. unfortunately, that is not the case. yet, as i wrote to a friend recently, there's always tomorrow.

you need to read this

One Sleepy Dad: That Horrible Suitcase: Having missed out a night's sleep, I am quite tired at this moment and ask that any mechanical language errors below be treated kindly...

fury

i'm having one of those mornings where people are starting to get on what's left of the very last nerve i have functioning. following a tense phone conversation with a colleague and reading a few unfortunate emails (unfortunate in their reflection of unacceptable actions), i was filled with a rage that blurred my vision and had me cursing up a storm.

i really don't like when i get to this place -- when frustration and anger is just a conversation or observation away. usually, at least in part, being in this state reflects my likely need for some time away to rest and get rejeuvenated. there are other times though that it also reflects a restlessness and disatisfaction with life as i currently know it. i suspect this is one of those times.

i mentioned in my entry yesterday that i am a planner by profession. that work calls for a constant immersion in creating a vision for a desired future state and planning a path to get there. when one spends so much time in thinking about what could be, seeing what is and even moreso the amount of distance between what is and what can be, well, seeing that can be a mite bit frustrating. add to that being with people who either don't want to contribute to creating what can be and/or don't have the capabilties to contribute much of value of creating that planned for future, well that, that can be downright infuriating. and yet i know i've been to this place before (and may have even expressed the very same thoughts in this blog a time or two previously).

still, i think back to a night not so long ago when i made this simple but profound declaration -- i really need a change. i would like that change to be positive -- one that moves me forward to another simple declaration that i just came across yesterday in a blog entry from a couple of years ago -- all i've ever wanted was to be happy and be loved. "happiness" for me translates to feeling that my work, my life has meaning and purpose, that i am making a difference in the world around me. and being loved? i think that's self-explanatory.

traveling man

so i'm about to hit the road again for a particularly heavy travel period. how heavy? well, for frame of reference, i figured out that if i took all the days i was going to be away from now until december and put them together consecutively, it would be as if i were away for the entire month of november. this is not so appealing to someone like me who prefers to sleep in his own bed.

even so, there is going to be a lot of activity during this period, both professional and personal, which i hope means lots of great, new, stimulating experiences (at least that's what i keep telling myself to keep me motivated for being away from said bed). the agenda combines some work, some learning, some networking, some fun, and some downtime (that last would be thanksgiving at the end of this travel period). yet among all the variety of events, there is one that i am particularly anticipating.

the funny thing about anticipation is the expectation that generally accompanies it. this may come as a surprise to the readers of this blog, but i tend to think about things a lot (another "surprise" would be my ever present facetious nature) and with every thought comes the inevitable "if-then" scenario (hey, i'm a planner by profession. it goes with the territory). this time though, i'm doing my best to let go of that tendency and writing myself this reminder of that commitment. the only expectations i'm going to allow are to be open, be present and enjoy the moments as they come. now that's an agenda that's worth traveling for.

inspired

i have a friend who ran a marathon today. that act inspired me to take a walk. now, while my walk was only about 3 miles instead of 26, it still felt really good. what felt even better was recognizing the blessing of having people in your life who inspire you. thanks friend (oh, and i hope the knee is feeling better).