heart and mind

i was reading through an email shortly after i woke up this morning that i have to admit set me back a bit. no need to go into detail about the contents, but suffice it to say that it painted a picture of me to which i didn't respond all that well. as i started to type an admittedly defensive reply, i kept getting increasingly more upset. that's when i stopped and thought, "hmm, maybe you have been approaching this entire scenario from too heavily an emotional standpoint. time to start using your mind, i.e., logic, rather than your heart."

so somewhere inside i flipped a switch and started to write the reply from an analytical standpoint. when i got done, i reread what i had written and heart came back into play. "you can't send this," i thought. my assessment was that while i may have presented a reasoned argument, it was also unnecessarily cold and unsparing of the feelings of the recipient. now this approach might have been fine or even welcomed by that individual, but i couldn't live with myself if i had sent such a note.

so then i stepped back and tried to bring both heart and mind to bear on the situation. it's from that vantage point that i realized that no matter how unfair i found the characterization to be, there was nothing to be gained from trying to challenge it. i just needed to accept that the descriptive is how i was perceived and i would have to live with it. so that's what i wrote.

sometimes you have to take what kernels of truth you can glean from situations like this and use those to help you be a better person. likely, i do need to rein in my emotions at times. equally as likely, i need to be more careful in discerning who has actual concern for how i'm feeling and who may be responding out of some sense of obligation that is motivated by other factors.

if it hasn't been apparent from previous writings, i don't take friendships lightly or casually. to me friendship is not an obligation. it is a gift. it is not a gift though that has to be given to or accepted by everyone. that's something else i need to recognize with both my heart and my mind.

lesson learned

so i learned a valuable lesson tonight. or maybe i was reminded of something that i kind of already knew. the perceived need for money can be a powerful influencer on people. 

it can make them think they need to befriend an individual when they really don't. it can cause them to see people who they at least perceive to have money as being users and manipulators -- as people who think they are better than others and therefore use their money to get what they want. it can make them feel that they are free to be abused because they think they have to put up with the abuse to benefit from the largesse. it's sad really that the hunger for money can so skew the way people see themselves and see others in the world around them. 

what's even sadder is that in many cases all of the scenarios i described are true for some people. some people with money do think it makes them better than other people and entitles them to use and treat people as objects for their own gratification. 

the question becomes in both cases, "how do you know what type of person you're dealing with?" is the person before you a genuine person who truly wants to be your friend or is it someone who sees you as someone that will bring them financial benefit and so ultimately will resent you for the misperceived power they feel you now have over their lives? is the person someone who truly thought you were friends, cares about you and hopes for your well being or is it someone who just wants to use their financial advantage to insinuate himself into your life and burden you with his problems and issues?

it's a dilemma. which perception of the individual do you choose to believe? i've seen it from personal experience. i can only speak from one side of that dynamic. and in that case, the other individual chose wrong. still, hopefully, we'll both be the wiser for it.

a little more kylie

just cause.

get outta my way (live)

pulled apart

i woke up this morning with such a hangover. now, i haven't taken up habitual drinking. i'm still on my regular schedule of about four to six alcoholic beverages a year. and given that i've had the "pleasure" of witnessing the affects of excessive drinking from an up close and personal vantage point, i'll be sticking to that schedule for some time to come. no, i attribute this particular hangover to a combination of things. one is the over the counter sleeping medication i've been taking. the second and likely greater contributor is the nightly pulling apart of my emotional self to examine the reasons for my recent depressed state.

now dissecting one's soul is always a complex endeavor, particularly when you're doing it with others that have varied states of experience with and knowledge of the subject under study. and to be honest, in my still hazy state, it's all kind of a blur. it's involved quite a bit of angst. some timid if honest confessions. some frank assessments and opinions (including one specific comment on my masculinity that, while likely true, i still seem to be ruminating over). quite a few expressions of confusion and sadness at being misunderstood. reflections on love and relationship. many statements about the desire for the same. frustration. a little weeping (evident only to me). and, because this was all done online, lots and lots of pauses between remarks.

in actuality this process of being pulled apart has been going on for the past year and a half. this recent examination is just the latest episode. at the end of it all i have to confess that i'm feeling quite a bit undone. i've been pulled apart, but i still haven't come back together. it's more than a little disconcerting.

now a little related story. in the morning i like to listen to music as i'm getting ready. lately, it's been one of my go to favorite groups evanescence (a little amy lee is good for a soul that wants to vent). funny thing is this morning  i decided to go in a different direction, and i put on a recently purchased kylie minogue cd. now, not being a very good gay (except for my insufficient butchness, gosh i really need to let that go), i'm only a recent convert to the church of kylie, but better late than never. while showering the song i'm linking to below came on. now the beat and groove got my body moving, but the lyrics provided a temporary lift to the heaviness. i'm nowhere near having the attitude this song describes, but i do like what it's pointing toward and i hope someday i will.

there are many versions of this on you tube, but i'm linking to one where you can see the lyrics as well. that is after all the point of the story.

spinning around

a wearying combination

it's monday. i'm somehow moving, but there's not much conscious thought going into many of my actions. i already can tell that i will be quite useless today, so i've made preparations to be able to leave after lunch.

i feel like my mood is as low as it's been in a very long time. the combination of being away from home for such a long stint with the intense work activity with the slight setback in the new job timing with the bad sleep pattern with the events of the weekend has taken everything out of me. and to top it off the sky is filled with grey clouds and the temperature has chilled to the mid-60's (i just checked the forecast and it appears, for extra good measure, thunderstorms are also going to be a part of today's weather menu).

all the while my mind keeps swirling around with the questions of why. why am i still in a work environment that never has embraced me when all i want to do is to contribute and make a difference? why have i failed in my one significant love relationship when all i wanted was to share a full and meaningful life with someone? why have attempts to show concern been interpreted as attacks when all i wanted to do was to say that people care? why does my heart hurt so much when all i want is to be happy?

it's the last question that is most pronounced in my mind. i don't need to be wealthy or famous or powerful. all i've ever wanted was to be happy and loved. and even with those two simple desires, it feels like i might as well be asking for the moon.

recalculating

i used to have one of the more popular portable gps systems (i gave it to my ex when i got my new car). it was a familiar model to most folks that whenever i made a wrong turn or missed an exit or did anything that deviated from the set directions, it would promptly inform me of my error by first saying "recalculating." after a few moments, it would inform me of the new set of directions, and i would be back on course.

it appears i've been making a lot of wrong turns in life lately. unfortunately, there is no gps calmly and efficiently stating "recalculating" and then telling me how to get on the right path. 

there is only silence.

i miss michael

i realize how pathetic that makes me seem, but at least with him i had someone who loved me.

now i'm alone.

i don't like that feeling.

bruised

you know how when you bang your side hard against something it hurts like anything in the particular moment that it happens. then you go to sleep and awaken and find that part of your body has a huge bruise -- so sensitive to the touch that the slightest movement sends stabs of pain throughout your body. that's how my soul feels this a.m. after the events of the past few days. 

any emotion sends a throbbing ache through my psyche. getting out of bed to get some breakfast was about all the effort i could muster for the morning. now time to crawl back under the covers and wait for the day to pass by slowly.