i think it may be time to end another relationship

as readers of this blog over the past few months are aware, i have been seeing a therapist to assist with the emotional struggles i've been going through -- struggles that are rapidly approaching their one year anniversary as current, conscious issues. while i have dealt with depression for a good portion of my life, the recent bout began in the september/october time frame.

i have appreciated the discussions i've had with dr. s. i've found him to be a kind and supportive person who has been very much engaged in our sessions together. and i think i'm going to stop seeing him.

frankly, i'm just tired of talking about all of this stuff. i just don't have it in me anymore.

i had this experience at work late friday afternoon, following which i just started questioning why am i even doing what i'm doing. nothing about my life seems to make any sense.

i'm just so, so very tired of it all. and alone to boot.

emotional amnesia

yesterday in my therapy session, i had what i would characterize as a fairly bizarre experience. for the entire session, the dialogue was me struggling to describe how i was feeling and what i was experiencing over the course of the week and dr. s attempting to help me draw connections to what i was trying to express.

the element that earned the descriptor "bizarre" was the fact that as dr. s would describe to me what he thought i was feeling and while i could hear and understand the words there was no resonance with them in my heart and mind. the way i described what i was experiencing to dr.s was that it was what i imagine people who are suffering from amnesia must deal with when speaking with someone that knows them who is describing some activity or past event from their shared experiences. the person may know conceptually what's being described but they have no memory or personal connection to the particular event. it's like they might be able to imagine what's being described but it would be like reading a book about someone else's experiences.

try as i did, i could not break through this dynamic. i knew it would be a tough session. i just didn't realize that what would make it so challenging was that i would be so disconnected from my own emotions. yesterday i wrote about feeling as if no one could see, hear or understand me. little did i know that i would find out later that "no one" applies even to me.

a lunch time lament

it's lunch time, and i'm sitting here at my desk as i have for so many lunches before and will likely do with so many hence. i've just finished wolfing down my sandwich, chips and drink and have been checking up on some emails before diving back into the work of the day. i felt this would also be a good time to do a blog entry, primarily because i'm not sure if will be able to for the rest of the day.

i write that statement, not so much because there may not be time to do so later, but rather because i'm not sure the motivation and energy will be there later. as of this writing, i can tell that my mood, which is already subdued and solemn, is declining as the day progresses and i am not entirely certain as to the reason why.

it is possible it could be related to the fact that i have a therapy session later in the day and that i'm anticipating that it will be another challenging one. it could be, at least in part, related to the fact that i am tired from it being a pretty intense week at work (which will continue after this momentary pause for blog writing) and i have not gotten an extensive amount of sleep at night.

really, i have no idea for the exact cause, but i do know how i'm feeling. i am experiencing one of those moments when my life just feels acutely painful. where just the thought of where i am in my life just brings tears to my eyes and intense aching to the depths of my heart. and while i am, to a certain degree, physically tired, that state does not even begin to compare to the weariness of spirit that pervades my being. and in roughly ten minutes it will be time to go back to being the boss and leader that folks expect me to be.

i continue to wonder how much longer i'm going to be able to handle all of this, to keep moving when all i want to do is give up on life. in a recent conversation with sean, i stated that i needed him to be able to see me. lately, it doesn't feel as if i'm really seen or heard or understood by anyone at all. there's just me, alone, in pain, and without hope.

not believing in much

so the days amble on and with each one there seems to be another little piece of myself that i'm losing. this morning over breakfast i found myself thinking about a comment that i made several weeks ago about september, and in that reflection came the stark realization that what i had believed would indeed not be coming to pass. a slight surge happened in the undercurrent of sadness that has been running deep in my soul. a surge and then the waters subsided to their steady, continuous flow.

as i moved on from breakfast and lumbered into my car to leave for work, i thought about the loss of the belief in that hoped for september and was confronted yet again with the perspective of whether i should continue to believe that there will be any such "septembers" in my future. and as i let go of yet another belief, i then thought, "i guess there's really not much i'm believing in these days."

where do those lost hopes, dreams, and beliefs actually go i wonder? perhaps they are washed away with the surge.

looking for witnesses

did anyone get the license plate of the emotional truck that ran over me? if you did, please track them down and tell them to come back and finish the job. apparently, i'm still breathing -- barely and painfully.

denser and darker

i have to say that i'm really ready for my mondays not to start off in this way. woke up, following a decent night's sleep, feeling somewhat better physically. sure, there was a bit of sinus drainage and my chest felt a bit scratchy, but my back felt much better and on the whole  i was doing much better physically. as for how i was doing emotionally, well that was (and still is) a different story and goes back to the comment that led off this entry.

sadly, i'm starting off the week pretty much with the same challenged state of mind that i have begun too many weeks with this year. i'm discouraged, confused, and entirely lacking in confidence that things will get better.

as to the concept of "better," i had one of my "lost the plot of life" moments in the midst of an online conversation last night with a new friend named jay. typing away on my laptop slumped in my living room couch, i shared that it feels that when it comes to this improved state, i have no vision of it whatsoever or as gertrude stein so famously stated, "there is no there there." as the conversation continued, i tapped into this view of my interior self and saw that i was so bereft of hope that i truly questioned why i was living. it was another one of those times that i just asked, "really, what is the point of all this anyway? why am i even bothering to get up and go out into the world? can i really keep doing this?"

but moving out i have indeed, into another week full of busy activity, but that's my exterior self. my interior self continues to mire in a wood that is growing ever denser and darker and the path for escaping is nowhere to be found.