gutted

that last entry pretty much blew a hole threw my heart and the pain just keeps gushing out. i took an ambien earlier than usual just so i could knock myself out. unfortunately, that's resulted in my waking up in the middle of the night and i can't seem to get back to sleep. the thoughts that keep running through my head certainly are not helping.

i have a doctor's appointment later today which i'm not looking forward to and then have a haircut (ditto). i just want to stay in bed all weekend, pull the covers over my head and shut out the world.

and why is it whenever i reach out with my feelings and i just want some acknowledgement that i'm heard and the person cares, that is never the response i get? never. just silence. there are moments when my life seems fucked up beyond all repair.

there are moments

more stream of consciousness

there are moments when i am so grateful we are friends. there are moments i wish we had never met.

there are moments you make me smile and chuckle. there are moments when contact with you makes me feel worthless and my heart breaks open wider.

there are moments when i think "i didn't expect to like you so much." there are moments when i wish i had never opened my heart to you.

there are moments when i can't wait to hear from you. there are moments that i want to throw the phone and the computer out of the window and obliterate any connection with you.

there are moments when i long impatiently for the day we can see each other face to face again. there are moments when i regret ever agreeing to meet up at what seems like almost a lifetime ago.

there are moments when i wonder if you feel any of these same things about me. there are moments when my heart is convinced you think nothing of me at all.

there are moments when i wish you would just leave. there are moments i know that would kill me.

there are moments when i want to just close my heart to you and disappear forever. but i can't.

there are moments when my life feels like the very essence of hell on earth. now you know why.

words i almost wrote

"it has been good to know you. i wish you well." i didn't. but almost. almost.

i didn't realize

i have these moments where i get lost in a kind of "stream of consciousness" kind of mode, where thoughts just seem to flow unaided and unguided through my mind. during one such mode, which occurred this morning as i was packing up my things to head out to work, i stumbled on a particular thought that yielded such a deep emotional reaction that i found myself quite surprised by the effect.

i was thinking about all of the changes that had been happening in my particular work function -- changes that had been in discussion and planned for months. among those plans was for a significant elevation of my role in the function that would have refocused it on work that i truly enjoy and feel passionate about as well as for the elevation of a colleague that i greatly respect and enjoy working with. essentially, we would have become partners in leading our function in complementary roles that played to each of our strengths. well, my boss decided to not push forward with that particular vision and chose instead to take a more conservative approach to the reorganization plans. now i should be clear that as a result of even this modified change, i have had an expansion of my role and responsibilities that have come with a commensurate (and much appreciated) increase in my compensation. however, my colleague's role remains the same and my new role doesn't quite bring the focus of my work completely into the sphere of that work i thrive upon.

i thought i was pretty much fine with the choice made, yet, as i pondered what could have been, i felt this deep pang of sadness in my heart. it was at that moment that i found myself thinking, "wow, i didn't realize how disappointed that i was in that future not coming about." i'm not sure if the sadness is in spite of or as a result of the other emotional struggles i am having at this time and whether it is a vision delayed or deferred, i have to admit i'm not entirely clear. and who knows, what may come instead may be infinitely better than what was planned. i guess i'm just struggling with wondering how many "maybe this is for the best" scenarios i can deal with at one time in my life.

lather, rinse, repeat

i've been experiencing this strange dynamic over the past few days. it seems like the harder i work, the more there seems needing to be done. for every work accomplishment there seem like three work issues that need to be addressed. and all of it seems to be happening in this lather, rinse, repeat j=kind of cycle.

i come home at the end of another busy day to an empty home and an empty life, feeling my mood decline to a point that i'm literally thinking i can't continue to do this, go to bed weepy on the verge of emotional collapse, wake up in the wee hours of the morning (around 3 a.m.), struggle to get back to sleep, fail, go into work weary and depressed, hurl myself through a day full of various and varied activities. finish up and head back home to just go through it all again.

tonight was the toughest iteration yet of the cycle. i was pretty much crying as i was heading out to the garage at work. what am i accomplishing with all of this and to what end? what is all of this for? is this going to be my life -- just working harder and harder every day and at the end of it all heading home to a microwave dinner and collapsing into bed?

and my sense of hope that any of this can get better let alone will get better is pretty much gone. i was sharing with s.r. last night that it feels as if i've literally lost the ability to hope. and the truth is i go back and forth between finding that incredibly painful and being apathetic. it's almost like the feeling of being standard on a desert island and after a period of constantly looking out at the horizon to see if any sign of rescue is in sight, getting to a point where you just give up and think  no one is coming and you will die there alone and forgotten.

sigh. i'm sure you can guess where i am on the lather, rinse, repeat cycle.

a simple desire

here's a song about a simple desire of how to be in a complicated, challenging world. it expresses many of my thoughts and intentions on the subject. lately, i've been feeling as if it doesn't really matter much to strive to be good. it doesn't seem to make much of a difference at all.

that i would be good - alanis morissette

"never again"

so it's been about 24 hours since i discovered that my former partner of the better part of 12 years entered into a new relationship with someone else in the space of about two months after our break-up. and during that time a particular moment that happened at the close of the conversation that brought our relationship to a conclusive end keeps playing over and over in my mind. in that moment i sincerely wished michael well and that he would be able to find happiness with someone else. it was at that moment that he shared that because of what i had done to him he would never be able to trust anyone again.

so the good news is that apparently the current statute of limitations of never again is down to about two months. that being stated as mentioned last night, i've carried the burden of severely hurting someone that i once loved deeply for these many weeks since that conversation. and now i feel foolish and stupid. unfortunately, i don't feel these things in the way i probably should.

i feel foolish and stupid in believing that michael truly loved me. i feel foolish and stupid in having lied to myself for all of those years. i feel foolish and stupid in many ways for believing that someone could love me in the way i hope for and desire.

and tonight i find myself wondering about how many other things have i lied to myself. how many things did i hope to be true and really i have just been fooling myself? i've become painfully aware over the past few days of how fragile a thing trust is. at least when it comes to my ability to trust in people. i realize that so much of it has to do with the fact that the people that i want to trust the most  seem to abandon me in some way or other.

and as fragile a thing as my ability to trust seems to be, my capacity for hope seems to be even more so. it continues to crumble with every passing moment. i'm not even sure how i continue to exist because it feels like my heart died quite some time ago.

two months? what took him so long?

there are times i astonish even myself with my own bad timing. just when i think that i feel as bad as i possibly could, i manage to unearth or experience something that makes me see how wrong i am. on my walk today the thought of how i had broken michael's heart was one of the few terrible things i had done that i was tormenting myself with. just a bit ago i found myself on facebook and thought i should check in to see how he was doing. well the good news is that the mortal wound i thought i had inflicted on him with breaking off our relationship was more of a paper cut. it appears he's been dating someone for about a month now (if you're keeping score at home that would be about two months after the break up) and if he's not in love he is certainly in deep like with him.

and fortunately for michael he's found someone much younger and better looking than me as well. the song "tapes" comes to mind at this time with the first lyric "i am someone easy to forget" being particularly accurate.  and on this occasion, one good alanis song calls for another. in this case, the lyric "how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself" would be the most appropriate. i imagine i'll be getting plenty of additional practice at that one this week.

eight easy steps - alanis morissette

walking into another life

i took another walk today. at one point i wished that i could just keep walking until i could walk out of this life into a better one. at another point as i realized that my current walking path was not going to allow for that desire to be fulfilled, i just sat down and couldn't move. it was as if failing the first solution maybe just refusing to move from the spot i was in would mean i wouldn't have to return to my current life with all of the confusion, pain, sadness and emptiness that abounds with every moment. after some time i realized the futility of this approach and got up and walked home back to this life i have but neither understand or seem to be managing very well.

even worse

"god i can't go through another day like yesterday." i wrote words to this effect in a just closed online chat with s.r. the fact is though that the day has started badly and definitely shows the potential to be even worse than yesterday. i feel so worthless and the chat did little to help. actually, the voices in my head have been using these same online exchanges for weeks to highlight that fact.

every visit of late seems like a prime example of how i really don't fit in s.r.'s life and that i'm in some way intruding. he's a busy guy with an important job and full relationships. i'm well not sure what i am. but clearly i'm not someone who matters. at least that's how it feels. conversations i used to look forward to, i now dread because i know at the end i will likely just feel even worse about myself.

and i keep questioning why he just doesn't say how he really feels. that he's got his own life and his now issues and really doesn't need to be dealing with me and my shit as well. even having to pretend to care is an effort. i know. it's how i spend every moment of my life these days.