is this thing on?

over the last few days i've been experiencing a pretty perplexing phenomenon. since moving west, i have not had a chance to develop friendships in my current locale. as a result, many of my newest friends have been met via the internet and our relationships have relied on such means as instant messaging for their continuance and development. this seems to have worked pretty well, but this week in particular, i've been encountering a strange development.

i'm having online conversations that  seem labored and convoluted. there are long gaps of time between messages and confused meanings. and some conversations just seem to end. no farewells or wishes for a good night. just a question or declaration from me and no further response from the other party for the remainder of the evening. given that i'm a personality type that likes closure, this last situation has been very frustrating. i feel like i'm communicating, but i'm not connecting.

there's a part of me that wonders if maybe the phenomenon is not necessarily new, but my reactions to it are what have changed. i have been feeling a stronger and stronger need for connection as the days have gone by. and so when something happens that suggests that the connection is not being established, then maybe i find this situation more untenable than i would under other circumstances.

it feels like i'm walking through life right now with this invisible barrier surrounding me that prevents a full connection between me and the world that surrounds me. what is perhaps stranger is that my reaction is to want to withdraw even more from people. attempting to connect and not doing so becomes ever more fatiguing and emotionally painful and the temptation is to just question if it's even worth it. it's just a steady slide down from there to start questioning if anything is really worth it and well that's the reason i'm typing this entry in my bed ready to pull the covers over my head and call it a day.

people keep saying it will get better. every day it feels like the evidence suggests otherwise.

having something

yesterday, i wrote that one of the matters that has been the source of some pain and sadness is the fact that i repeatedly went back to a relationship that ultimately was not a good one for me. at various times i've expressed mystification as to how something like that happened. on christmas day i came face to face with a chilling thought that made me realize pretty much exactly how something like that happens.

i'm not exactly sure what brought the thought on. i know i was moving about the house doing various random tasks, and for some reason, the thought came to me about having spent last christmas in st. louis with michael and spending this christmas alone and then this feeling of a deep longing and desire for connection filled me. and then this unhappy realization came to mind, "i have no idea when or if this desire will ever be fulfilled again." being brought into a such close proximity to that reality opened me up to yet another thought, "no wonder i kept going back to michael. at this particular moment, having something, no matter how dysfunctional, seems better than a potential lifetime of nothing."

now let me take a brief break from my own personal angst to make one brief clarification. there are many people in this world who not only survive but thrive without a companion, significant other, spouse, what have you. my statements about said desire for a loving relationship and the need for it in my life are solely about me and should not be inferred to be making some statement about life in general. i say all of this to state that it drives me crazy when people assume that the only way everyone can be happy is to be with someone else. my perspective about this need is for my life only.

now with that being stated, who knows? more of life may even change my perspective on this need for me. while a change in perspective would certainly ease the pain, i think i would prefer the companionship. and while having something may have driven me back to a relationship, let's hope i can keep firmly in mind that not having the right something is what sent me right back out again. after all, i'm not getting any younger.

i want to be that person again

i am pleased to report that, for the most part, christmas day went pretty well. i was in fairly good spirits most of the day. i think it helped that i had a little meal to prepare, some gifts to open, and a doctor who marathon to watch. all held my focus and kept my mind from wandering. but as the marathon ended (well my portion of it; they started rerunning the programming at about 8:30 pm) and the evening went on my spirits progressively sagged.

there were a couple of interesting moments though that bear reflection here. one is the topic of today's entry. the other will be tomorrow's. with this first moment, it occurred as i was in the midst of the marathon but wasn't related to one of the episodes. it actually occurred during one of the commercials.

those of you in the u.s. may have seen this particular commercial. it was a holiday commercial from ikea that shows a woman doing a variety of seemingly random acts around her home -- cutting some flowers, moving a plate, stretching in a chair. it's only later that we realize that these were her  thoughtful preparations for a holiday gathering -- each act reflecting the care she puts into ensuring that her guests have the ideal holiday experience.

the commercial played several times over the course of my watching the marathon (six and a half hours of pure doctor who bliss -- farewell matt smith; we shall miss you), and upon one showing i was reminded of a time in my life when i used to host various parties and get togethers. i took a similar approach to ensuring that i had prepared for every eventuality all with the intention of providing a great time for my friends. "i used to be that person," i thought. and with that, for a brief moment at least, the feeling of, "i want to be that person again" came to me. and with that, the first of a few revelations came to me.

"if that's true," the revelation began, "then there is no way you could be with michael." you see all of that hosting desire went out the window as my relationship with michael developed. without going into too much detail (primarily because i'd rather not relive it), my experience with michael made every aspect of hosting a gathering, from the preparation to the execution to the aftermath, a stressful experience. after a time, i just took the attitude that it was not worth it. and with that reminder, i received the most significant epiphany of all -- when a relationship prevents you from being who you want to be then it's time to move on from that relationship.

above all of the other major issues that existed, the lack of support i received from michael in being who i felt called to be was the fundamental problem with our relationship. and that lack of support extended to both professional and personal dimensions of my life. while (for the most part) never actively opposing me in certain aspects of living my life, he was rarely if ever supportive of the choices i wanted to make. my career, for instance, has developed in ways that i actually only ever dreamed would be possible with the potential to go even further. none of it has happened with any support or encouragement from michael. that realization makes me sad for two reasons. one that i had a partner whose love could not extend to desiring and championing the best for me and two that i not only stayed with him as long as i did with those conditions, but i repeatedly went back to him instead of moving on. all that time wasted never to be reclaimed.

actually, there is a third sadness that came to me within my reflections on the ikea commercial yesterday. though the thought of "i want to be that person again" came to me, i don't believe i can do it alone. in addition to the fact that said career is far more time and energy consuming than during the period i was the "host with the most," i lack the energy and resolve to pursue that as a single person. i somehow feel a need to have someone encouraging me on in my efforts. someone who says that what i do matters to him and the people around me. someone who understands me and wants me to be the best me that i can and expresses that support not just in words but in deed as well.

those are all nice thoughts, but with the recognition that i spent 12 years (off and on) with someone and didn't get that kind of love and support and that life holds no guarantees that i will ever have that, it's not a wonder that i am again pretty weepy and i suspect i won't be moving very far from my bed today.

a christmas song

taking a bit of a break from writing (and i'm sure you could use a break from my travails as well). so here's a christmas song from one ms. amy grant. i had a few to choose from as amy and christmas have been close associates for many years, but this one seemed most appropriate as it goes well with where my heart's desire has been of late. maybe someday it will be more than a hope. maybe ....

baby, it's christmas - amy grant

something special about this day

it's christmas eve morning, and i have to admit that it's difficult for even a saddened soul like mine to not get a bit of a lift from the thought. i've always maintained that there's something about this day and tomorrow that is really, well, magical. i'm sure the indoctrination i received as a child with respect to santa's gift-giving ride across the world has something to do with that perspective (and i will be watching the polar express tonight to attempt to recapture even a hint of that feeling), but i believe it's something more.

i saw it on the face of the sales clerk at panera this morning as he handed me my newly purchased loaf of holiday bread and wished me a merry christmas. i heard it in the voice of a work colleague as he departed the elevator not with the usual, "have a good day" but with a similar enthusiastic well wishing for the happiest of holidays. i felt it as i sent a text to s.r. this morning expressing the same sentiments for this day. it's as if the very air molecules are filled with this desire for peace, joy, and love. and i sense it every year at this time.

now lest you think i've gone soft on you and that some miraculous transformation has taken place in my disposition, i will say my mood is still pretty subdued. but rather than the deeper depression i've been experiencing, i would say the mood is more wistful with the slightest hint of melancholy.

i think of so many christmases past -- many happy, several (particularly those now in later life) not so much. all of them adding depth and meaning to my life experience. i hope to see many more christmases, and i hope the ratio of "happy" to "not so much" shifts far more toward the former.

for this christmas eve day though i will do my best to look forward to and engage in the agenda i have planned for the day -- finish up some things here at the office, pick up some qdoba for lunch (nachos or naked burrito? still to be decided), maybe take a quick nap, launch my christmas movie marathon while enjoying some garrett's carmel crisp popcorn, and open up a few gifts that i purchased for myself (i was very good to myself this year).

i'm sure i will have some sad moments -- maybe even a few tears, but hey, it's christmas eve. and on this day it's really hard not to feel the love. have a good one y'all.

fewer and fewer

it's just two more shopping days until christmas. a quick online chat with s.r. this morning reminded me of this fact as he indicated that he still had a bit more shopping to do today. we did a quick comparison of our relative itineraries for the next few days and then it was off on our separate ways to live out said agendas.

that brief bit of dialogue did prompt my realization that my shopping was really easy this year restricted as it was to mom and work colleagues. i also started reflecting on how over the years the number of folks that i had to do shopping for has fluctuated, but it does seem that of late the total has seemed to be on the steady decline.

i can't help but wonder what does that diminishment mean for my life (other than more debt free holidays). i mean, i look up and i have no real close friends in immediate proximity to me (immediate? actually, try within hundreds of miles!!) and i am so out of practice with forming friendships i'm not sure how to even begin to do so (and certainly in my current state i truly lack the motivation to make the effort).

despite recent ruminations on the need to accept the past and move on, i have been continuing to move in and out of this mental space of questioning whether the choices in my life have been the right ones -- the constant back and forth with michael, the peripatetic lifestyle to follow job opportunity after opportunity -- what have they added up to? i'm alone at what is billed "the most wonderful time of year" and see no chances for that isolation ending anytime soon.

and now i have just two working days before i begin a stretch of vacation time that will last until the first full week of the new year. as i shared with s.r. in this morning's instant chat, that's a mixed blessing prone as i am to gloom-filled reflections when given too much time to myself. but it appears too much time and myself is all i have this christmas.   

special

i have a few traditions i engage in at christmas time. one of the most enduring and enjoyable is that there are certain movies i much watch, or, well, it's just not christmas if i don't. christmas in connecticut, meet me in st. louis, a charlie brown christmas, the polar express, and a christmas carol (preferably the george c. scott version but i've also enjoyed patrick stewart's and the classic alistair sims version as well) are all on the list of must sees.

another lesser known film that always gets a playing is a little indie called 24 nights. it's a delightful and sweet gay romantic comedy that manages to put a clever take on the conventions of that genre while also playing by the rules of a happy ending. the basic plot involves a late twentysomething guy named jonathan, a slacker who works in a gay bookstore filled with great personalities, who lost his parents at an early age, which has resulted in some challenges to his emotional maturity. this christmas jonathan writes a letter to santa asking for a boyfriend and the fun begins when a young man named toby enters to apply for a job at the bookstore. toby fits every one of jonathan's described preferred characteristics that were listed in the letter to santa and so hilarity ensues as jonathan pursues the (at first) hapless toby, a situation that is only further complicated by the growing presence of toby's boyfriend keith in jonathan's life.

last night was this season's showing of this holiday favorite of mine. i was uncertain how i would react to watching this movie this year given that it's central plot point is about finding love with that someone special. i actually did ok, laughing at (and sometimes in anticipation of) my favorite funny moments and there are many (did i mention i love this movie?). naturally, i know most of the dialogue and recited along, particularly since there were no other audience members to annoy. there's a particularly wonderful moment in the movie in which keith shares with jonathan how he first met and fell in love with toby. as part of the story, keith shares that toby went away one summer and the entire time he was gone, keith would climb into toby's backyard and bury objects that reminded keith of toby beneath a big tree. so taken by this is jonathan that he declares that he would give anything to have someone love him that much. "wouldn't we all?" is the thought that immediately came to me upon jonathan's statement of desire.

it's in that moment that i received significant clarity on one point. as much as i am going to do my best to live the perspective that i will do my best to be open to, accept and be satisfied with love in whatever form it comes to me each day, i still long to be special to someone and to have someone be special to me. i'm now pretty certain that desire will never go away; however, the challenge that continues to haunt me is trusting that i will know that experience again especially given that i'm still in the space that i feel (to reprise a lyric shared in another entry) "the only thing love ever does is break and burn and end" (thanks taylor). to want something like this so much and to have doubts it will come to pass is the very definition of hell on earth.

this morning when finishing up this week's grocery shopping, i thought again of that special moment in 24 nights and wondered about my own relationship with michael. "had i not at one time felt special in that relationship,"i asked myself, "and didn't i once have that feeling of 'specialness' about michael?" yes and yes would be the answers to both. but it was in this moment that i saw again that those feelings were from a time much earlier in our relationship and certainly were not characteristic of this last segment of our being together. when you look at the last year or so in particular, i felt as if i was anything but special to michael. i would visit after weeks of separation and you would think i had merely just gone around the corner to pick up so milk such was the level interest and engagement that i received during my visits. there were more than a few times i wondered why i had bothered making the trip at all. and with that i imagine my feelings for him eroded as well.

to be special to someone and to have someone special in your life is indeed a blessed gift. it's actually the only one i've ever really wanted this or any other christmas.