that's really all i need

there are many times (like today) when i've had a not so great day at work and i think all i really need is to come home to a smiling face, and when he learns that the time at my job has not gone so well, he will take me by the hand and lead me upstairs.

he will take me to our bed, take off my shoes, and repeat the action for himself.

he will lay me down on my side and he will lay down behind me in the same position. he will hold me close and we will spoon. and in that position he will stroke my hair and let me cry or sigh or just be and he will repeat slowly and gently that he is here for me.

and we will lay there for as long as it takes for me to know that i am loved and because of that everything is and will be alright.

that's really all i need.

guardian - alanis morissette

through thick and thin

in a world that is constantly changing and at a time in my life in which i feel very alone and isolated,  this song speaks to the kind of person i wish were more immediately and consistently present in my life. 

someone who is there through the ups and downs, through thick and thin, in good times and bad and me for him. someone who understands me and i understand and we accept and embrace each other for who we are at our best and our worst. 

is that really too much to ask of the universe? 

you can rely on me - jason mraz

inspiration arrives

there are days that i wake up, and a thought about what i need to share in this blog immediately comes to mind. then there are other days when i have absolutely no inkling of what i want to write about. today was one of those days of the latter description, and when i have those days i know that i'm just going to have to wait for the inspiration to come through some experience. sometimes it does. sometimes it doesn't, and when it doesn't then there just isn't an entry that day.

today i was fortunate as i didn't have to wait that long before the moment of inspiration found me. i was online video chatting with a friend, who is a very talented singer/songwriter. after a bit, he decided to share a beautiful original song he had written (related to which i was trying to convince him to make a video, so i could post it on here as a blog song of the day). after that he sang, the song i am posting today, following which i thanked him for giving me both the song for today and the direction for the narrative portion of this entry.

the song speaks to a topic that has been much reflected upon in this blog, that being the idea of "home" and more specifically finding home. my feelings of being isolated and not "at home" really anywhere in this world have haunted me for the predominate portion of my life. i do at least vaguely remember that "home" at one time meant a place of safety, love and acceptance. that was a long time ago, but it is that memory that causes me to, in times of great stress and difficulty, say to myself, "i just want to go home." i know that i'm not referring to any particular place when i do that. i'm referring to retreating to a place where i will be immersed in those feelings that i once associated with having a home.

i'm still searching for it, for home, and since i seem unable to find it, i hope (just as the inspiration for this entry did) it will find me. and now i close with this lovely song shared with me by one of the loveliest men i have ever met.

homeward bound - simon and garfunkel

hoping for change

final song of the day. it's about two things i've written about quite a bit. it's about the desire for connection. it's about hoping for change and a better way of life for all of us.

turn this world around - amy grant

patience in the midst of change

here's the second of the three songs that are related to a necessary perspective when dealing with particularly difficult aspects of change -- patience. unfortunately, this one behavior trait that it feels i am in increasingly short supply.

overnight - amy grant ft. sarah chapman

when change stops equaling better

i had a strange thought last night as i was getting ready to head up to bed. it's a thought that has been recurring over the last couple of years, but this time, it seemed to have just snuck up on me. maybe what triggered it was thinking about the day ahead and not having much enthusiasm for it. then, in rapid succession, i thought about the next day and the next and then next week and then next month and then through the end of the year and then all the years ahead all with the same reaction. then, the thought came, "i guess i don't really have anything to look forward to in life."

i shared this moment with a friend in an online chat this morning. he shared with me a perspective on life that he's shared with me before, "only you have the power to change that." at first, i responded that at this point i wasn't sure how and that i would have to take his word for it.

as i reflected with him further on what might be underlying my somewhat fatalistic view, an insight came to me that was basically, "what if you've stopped believing that change equals better?" at half a century of life, i've experienced quite a bit of change, and often it was change that i instigated. each time i was the catalyst, it was with the belief (or maybe "hope" would be more fitting) that the change would somehow make my life better. now, as i survey  the landscape of my life, i see that, with very, very few exceptions (and at the moment i can't think of any, but i'm giving my life the benefit of the doubt by allowing that there have to be some), each change has just resulted in more hurtful disappointment.

i guess my belief in the power of change for the better while not completely gone is probably severely damaged. i think that fact would explain why i have so little enthusiasm for the various projects for which i am responsible at work. because of the nature of my role, most, if not all, of them have to do with making improvements and changing how we do what we do for the better. while i'm in the midst of that activity and am focused on each task that needs to be completed, i'm pretty much ok; but as soon as i have a moment to look up and think, that's when the fatalism comes back into play. "why am i doing all of this," i ask myself, "why am i working so hard at something that will likely just fall apart somewhere along the way?" and this same perspective ripples through all of the aspects of my life. why try, when all it will mean is a different way to hurt.

and so, at least for the foreseeable future, for me, change does not equal better. it's a shame too because change for the better is exactly what i need.

now for the song of the day. believe it or not, i've actually thought of three that would fit this theme well. all are by the same artist. i'll share them interspersed throughout the day. the first shared now is a cover of an "oldie but goodie" as the saying goes. as always, i hope you all the songs i share today will speak to you in some way.

turn, turn, turn - amy grant

who i hope i am

one of my favorite definitions of love is that it is the state in which you desire the highest good for someone and you will do whatever is in your power to help in bringing that about. i've done my best to conduct all of my relationships, no matter how casual, with this intention in mind.

i hope i'm coming at least close to this aspiration.

shine - jason mraz

who i try to be

i have two songs today. both are about the character of a person in relationship with other people. for me they speak to my aspirations in dealing with those i care about and who i attempt to be from my small space in this very big world.

as with past practice, the first i will post now and the second this evening. i hope they speak to you as much they do to me and inspire you to strive to be the best you can in how you live and love.

you owe me nothing in return - alanis morissette

what means most

earlier this evening i had an interesting online chat with a friend from another country. he was feeling a bit bummed because his birthday weekend was pretty uneventful (and for this friend, his birthday is a big deal). over the course of the conversation, i started to share the challenges i was experiencing that started with my frustrations with work and then just mushroomed into my dissatisfaction with pretty much every aspect of my life.

at one point my friend said to me, after my sharing that my new medication had seemed to be working some but was not doing as well over this weekend, "i guess it can't be sunshine every day." i replied that i was just looking for one good day. later i volunteered that i haven't had a day of happiness since sometime in 2013 (at least that's the last time i can remember any experience approaching a happy one).

from there the conversation devolved into almost a competition of whose life was worse off. my friend's past couple of years have admittedly been difficult ones with his having lost his job and struggles to find a new one (good news though he has one that starts in february). what's interesting is that i think we each look at the other's lives and see aspects that we envy. for him, it's the fact that i have a well paying job. for me it's that he has a wealth of friendships, men who have expressed interest in dating him, and loving parents.

he is not the first person though that has looked at my having a certain level of material success and wondered how i could be so unhappy with my life. this assessment is something that has both perplexed and, to some degree, annoyed me. i feel it should be noted that my sadness is in large part tied to chronic depression that my experience tells me is as much biological in nature as it is situational. plus, having stuff, while nice, can never replace having loving relationships in your life. as has been said by others, money and possessions can't hold you at night when you're scared and unsure. a nice car will never fill the void of an intimate touch or words of encouragement and affection. and a well paying job is little solace when you spend all of your nights alone, feeling unloved and unwanted (it's even worse when you feel like that job is breaking your heart and spirit).

as i've done many a time, i'll close by leaving a song that speaks to this notion of what really matters in life. as i also shared with my friend, i need something extraordinarily good to happen in my life soon. i don't know what that something is. i do know i will know when it comes and that i'm running out of time.

then i did - rascal flatts