decline

i'm not in the best mental space tonight. i guess my precipitous mood decline can be traced to my last therapy session on thursday. the funny thing is i've only become aware of the change in mood at this particular moment. it's as if i've just kind of been living life in the interim, racing ahead from one moment until the next until i had this pause just now. and with it the sadness that i guess i'd been doing a good job outpacing caught up to me and overtook my soul.

the session with dr. s actually started out pretty emotion free. i described the denouement of my visit with my mother and then shared about my reaction to that pretty disturbing situation that michael wanted to drag me into (each described here and here). we also talked about my just here feelings (as described here). during the course of the conversation, i realized that while my work life is filled with clear vision of what we are trying to accomplish and defined plans for doing so, my personal life is completely bereft of any sense of direction or real meaning.

i described the feeling as being in a starkly, blindingly white space. i had a similar experience of this white space back in my late 20's -- the last time i was in therapy in fact. it's this dynamic that when i attempt to think about my life, my hopes, my dreams of what i would like it to become, no images come to mind. all i see is me sitting in this white space with no sign of anything anywhere around.

again, i pretty much shared all of this in a dispassionate, almost eerily even, calm way. and then as the session came to a close, dr. s asked me about how the challenging situation with my mother, in which i was not receiving the kind of unconditional love one so desires from a parent, made me feel. and that's when i broke open.

tears welled up in my eyes, and i just shared that it was really difficult. i tried to push away the emotion, but dr. s said it was important that i recognize that i would likely need to grieve this situation. and all at once some images did come to mind. but they weren't of what my life will be but of what it has been. images of how up until my early teens i had viewed home as a safe and welcoming place. and then over time, that perspective began to change with my mother's seemingly increasing criticisms about so much of who i am. i summed up this recognition to dr. s by saying that over time i had come to feel that my mother had transformed from being my advocate into my adversary.

and with that statement i was reminded of something i guess i've realized all along. i lost my "home" pretty early in life. i had a place to live and then return to for holidays and vacations, but my home was gone. and all of my life has been a search for it. for love. for family. for a sense of belonging in a world that i seem so very out of place in. and so much of this blog has been about chronicling that search.

and now i'm in this place again where there is no clear path ahead to what i want my life to become. and i sit and i wonder and i hope that if i cannot find home that maybe god will be merciful and home will find me.

just here

i noticed as i was queueing up this entry that this is actually the 500th entry i've made on this blog. i paused for a moment and thought that maybe i should save such a momentous milestone for more significant (and certainly happier) subject matter. then i thought, who knows how long it will take before said subject presents itself plus it does seem that, for this particular blog, it would be appropriate to have an entry that's really about something simple and somber.

so these past few mornings i've woken up in this mood that is neither happy or sad, neither elated or depressed, neither enthusiastic or apprehensive about life. now not having the negative feelings is probably a good thing and not having the positive feelings is not necessarily a bad thing, but i can't exactly say i'm enjoying the combination. i think my dissatisfaction has to do with the fact that i prefer to feel engaged and fulfilled by life -- knowing at the core of who i am that my life has meaning and purpose and that i am making a difference no matter how small. this feeling of being just here occupying space is frankly not really working for me at the moment (well, it never has and never will).

it's a shame really to be in this state. what's even worse is i'm not exactly sure why i am. and worse than that (and i'm sure you saw this coming) is i have no idea how to move on from here. i guess it's a good thing i have a session with dr. s this afternoon. i think he's going to be earning his money today.

stumbling over a past hurt

it's an interesting fact of life that no matter how well you think you're doing in progressing past some challenge or painful situation you've experienced, a certain moment can come along and remind you that at least some of that hurt is still very much with you. i had two such moments this past saturday.

the first moment involved my mother and i shared my thoughts about it in my last blog entry. the second came right on the heels of the first (within an hour or so), and this one involved my ex-partner michael.

as i was on the living room couch, processing the not so pleasant discussion i had just had with my mother and counting the seconds until her imminent departure, i decided to check my email. scanning the list of messages, my eyes caught an email from michael with a declaration in the subject line that the message was urgent. opening it, i discovered a request from michael that he wanted to speak to me about a matter involving his new boyfriend charles. i won't go into explicit detail about the issue save to state that it involved a serious accusation that had been made against charles regarding potential criminal behavior. rather than engage in an actual phone conversation, i sent an email response letting him know that i was in the midst of a visit with my mother and speaking with him would be difficult. i instead offered some words of advice about how to move forward and some encouragement that things would turn out alright.

later in the day, as i was on my way back from dropping mom off at the airport, i started thinking about the request from michael. i have to admit that i was more than a mite bit frustrated by the notion of michael wanting to involve me in a matter that involved his new lover. the more i thought about the situation, the more peeved i became. it was in this moment of reflection that i stumbled over that past hurt. i realized that as much as i've tried to move on and be gracious and positive about michael's finding someone new, the rapidity with which he had secured a new love in his life and the happiness that he is currently experiencing as a result when contrasted with my own feelings of isolation and sadness, well, that dynamic was still causing me some emotional pain. not severe pain mind you but certainly more than a minor ache.

and as i sit here committing my feelings to this digital page, i wonder, "what will it take to dislodge this pain and whatever that is, how long will it take to manifest?" patiently waiting has never been my strong suit. that task is doubly hard when i'm not exactly clear on what i'm waiting for.