on half the bed

every night i sleep on a king-sized bed. almost every night for most of the past several years, i have slept in that bed alone. the strange thing, given a bed of that size, is that, for all of that time, i've only slept on half of the bed. every night i settle into the right side of the bed, and when it is time for sleep, i turn off the light on my nightstand, roll over on my side and drift off to slumber, all the time remaining on the right half of the bed. every morning i awake still on the right side.

i'm sure part of the reason for my utilization of only half my available sleeping space is that for seven years and on and off for an additional five (more off than on), i shared that bed and the right side of it was my constant space of occupation.

well, that was then. why do i continue to do so now?

i don't really have an answer to that question. it's not as if i haven't thought about it before -- the fact that giving up so much of that sleeping real estate seems absurd. maybe it is just a matter of habit. twelve years is definitely a long enough period of time to get into a rut. maybe it's a matter of efficiency. after all, it's easier to get in and out of the bed when you sleep on the edge.

i've thought about making a change but never seem able to do so. instead, as i prepare to fall asleep, i clutch a pillow, pull it close to me and proceed to spoon with it as a vain substitute for a companion that seems there never will be again.

in the past two plus years since i left michael, i have had exactly one man share my bed, and as might be expected he slept on the left half of the mattress (after all, i have over a decade of prior claim to the right). it was just for one night, though given my prior and continued friendship with this person, i would not characterize it as a "one night stand." that's a brief moment given the period of time in which the left space has remained unoccupied. still, it was nice while it lasted. the unfortunate by-product of that experience though is that at times i am haunted by that night. as i go to bed and roll over to my left side, i look straight ahead at that empty space and am drawn back to that night when there was a lingering (if only fleetingly) presence by my side (i even experienced a brief moment of spooning -- my friend professes he isn't much of a cuddler).

i don't think he is likely to return to that empty half of the bed though he is most definitely more than welcome to. even so, it's likely i'll continue lying on that right half of the bed, waiting for someone to fill that empty space and hopefully my very empty life.