bid our hungry souls be filled

the interesting thing about christmas music is that there are songs that become popular though they were not originally introduced as songs related to the season. such is this case with today's song. still, given the subject matter, it's easy to see why this song has been covered on many a holiday album. also, it should be pretty apparent why it's a natural song for this day.

and with this i conclude this year's sharing of holiday tunes. may the remainder of the season be an enjoyable one for one and all and the coming new year bring all you desire and more.

welcome to our world - chris rice from deep enough to dream

o night divine

it's christmas eve. there are many christmas songs that reflect on this special night. the one i'm sharing tonight is my favorite.

o holy night - nat king cole from the christmas song

most highly favored lady

our time for sharing holiday seasonal music is coming to an end in a couple of days and i thought i'd wind down with songs that reflect on the central story of christmas. tonight's is a folk song that dates back to the 13th century and focuses on the visitation of the angel gabriel to a young girl who would play a pivotal role in the history of the world. the setting of this rendition of is both lovely and haunting as befits the moment which it recalls.

gabriel's message - sting from a very special christmas, vol. 1

coming home just the way you are

just because i haven't gotten into the holiday mood doesn't mean that i don't wish everyone the best of experiences with friends and family at this special time of year. i thought i should pick a song that reflects this fact, so here's amy once again with a with a slightly more uptempo song from her latest album.

to be together - amy grant from tennessee christmas

fragile like the lives we lead

it's four days until christmas, and i have to confess that the holiday spirit has not really come alive in my heart. i take in the sights and sounds of the season, and while i appreciate how lovely they are, i am not touched or moved as i have been in past years. sometimes life is like that, and you just have to do the best with what you've got, even if at times, it doesn't feel like very much at all.

another merry christmas - amy grant from tennessee christmas

on long christmas eves of old

i wanted a song that was sweet. i think this one well meets that criteria.

an old fashioned christmas - carpenters from christmas portrait

earth stood hard as iron

it is a bitterly cold day here. with these weather conditions and the fact that the celebration of the christ child is so close at hand, i felt this song, which combines both elements, would be most fitting as today's song selection. plus, who wants to miss an opportunity to hear this particularly gifted artist lend her talents to a christmas song? not i.

in the bleak midwinter - sarah mclachlan from winter song

et admirabile sacramentum

years ago, i "converted" to catholicism, and while i would pretty much consider myself to be non-practicing, there is one enjoyment of my time as an active participant in the church that remains with me - the music. tonight's song is a gregorian chant that reflects on the great mystery that is the birth of christ. i first heard it many years ago at an advent concert. it is a cherished memory and one that i appreciate this recording bringing alive for me once again.

o magnum mysterium - linda ronstadt from a merry little christmas

i wish i may, i wish i might

there is a restlessness in my soul that i can't explain. i guess that's why i keep gravitating to these songs that have a gentle, peaceful quality to them. tonight's song is in the form of a lullaby, and when one is looking for a song to quiet one's inner turmoil, i can't think of a better choice of music.

starbright - jim brickman feat. kenny loggins from the gift

winter star its vigil keeping

it's a very cold night and there is a forecast for snow to begin late this evening. as often happens under such conditions, the world outside is very quiet and still. with this feeling gently lingering in the air, it seemed that today's selected song would be most fitting.

still, still, still - mary chapin carpenter from come darkness, come light

an interlude

we're halfway through the month. i think it's time for an instrumental.

greensleeves - vince guaraldi trio from a charlie brown christmas 

so i'm gonna catch my breath

sometimes you hear a song that speaks to you, but you're not quite sure why. somehow, somewhere, something deep inside of you connects strongly with the music and the lyrics.

i heard today's song for the first time yesterday afternoon, and if my teary-eyed response was a reliable indicator, then I would have to say an intense emotional connection was indeed established even if i'm not consciously aware of why it happened. maybe with a few more listens the reason will come to me, though i think the lyric i chose to be the title of this entry likely reveals that i have some sense of the reason for my response.

the question becomes, is it i don't know the reason or i don't want to know the reason? only time will tell.

the heartache can wait - leann rimes from today is christmas

tidings bring

there is something about hearing a boys' choir singing the songs of the season that can't help but move you. the purity of the voices joined in harmony somehow causes the message of christmas to resonate deep in the heart. listen and experience this sensation for yourself with today's song selection.

carols sing from michael w. smith's christmastime

can't think of anything i'd rather do

gershwin. porter. berlin. rodgers and hart. i love a good standard. there's just something about the music of the 30's and 40's that has resonated with me ever since i was a kid.

today's song is an excellent example of what i love about this genre. it is one that i had not heard previously by a pair of songwriters with whom i was not familiar but who were writing at the same time as the more well-known composers that i referred to at the beginning of this entry.

while the song may have been unknown to me before, i am definitely glad i know it now. i hope you feel the same after listening to it.

a lovely way to spend christmas - kristin chenoweth from a lovely way to spend christmas

we'll just have to muddle through somehow

today's song is another one of those modern holiday classics and is a repeat, of sorts, from last year. I write "of sorts" because this version is slightly different from the one posted last year. you see, while this song is quite popular, the version with which most people are familiar has a slight change from the original.

many people know that the song have yourself a merry little christmas was first sung in the movie meet me in st. louis. what fewer people remember though is it was not really sung as a cheery encouragement to enjoy the season, but rather it was a more solemn attempt of one sister (played by the incomparable judy garland) to calm the fears of another as they faced an uncertain future with the family soon to be moving from their beloved st. louis to new york city.

there is one lyric in particular that differs between the movie and popular culture version. i managed to find a version that is performed with the original lyric. i assume hanging a shining star from the highest bow seemed more positive, however, this year i feel this version of this holiday standard better mirrors my own perspective.

have yourself a merry little christmas - james taylor from october road

stars shine like silver bells

the outside temperature has taken a nosedive over the past couple of days, and there's a bit of snow in the air. as a result the reality that winter is actually coming has settled into my consciousness. with that final acceptance of the inevitable, i thought this particular holiday song would be a lovely way to recognize the season within which we are becoming ever deeply immersed.

on this winter's night - lady antebellum from on this winter's night

the world in solemn stillness lay

an integral part of the sounds of the season are the christmas hymns. as we sing them today, they connect us to the many, many generations before us who likewise expressed in song their faith and trust in the hope-filled messages of the christmas story. today's song is one of the classics of the genre, and is performed by one of the great vocal talents of our time.

it came upon a midnight clear - josh groban from noel

everybody needs a place to belong

when it comes to the types of songs that resonate with me, i tend to gravitate particularly strongly to those that deal with friendships, not just at christmas but at all times. i don't know. i think the concept of having friends who are always there for you with loving support, a listening ear, a kind word, and a warm embrace has always been an ideal for my life in both what i receive from and who i try to be in a friendship.

i've recounted often on this blog that the manifestation of this friendship dynamic has been problematic for me when it comes to my relationships with men. i mentioned last evening that i had another intense session with my therapist. this difficulty with various types of relationships with those of the male persuasion took up much of our discussion. unfortunately, but as is often the case, i left with the same sense of sadness and regret with which i entered that conversation. it's been a mood that has lingered with me for several weeks, and i'm not sure when or how it will leave me.

today's song is about the fact that the holidays can be a lonely time for people. it is about reaching out to friends and finding that place of welcome and shelter. i myself have spent many a lonely christmas over the past several years. i know that the experience expressed in this song is one that i wish had happened during those alone times, actually, again, not just at christmas but at all times.

the opening lyric is one that resonates pretty strongly with me. listen for it, and when you hear the word "photo," just substitute the word "song". with that you'll have some insight into what writing this blog over the last week and a half has been like for me though i'm still searching for that place to belong, not just at christmas but at all times.

melancholy christmas - amy grant from tennessee christmas

to ease the soul that's aching

it was a full day today. i spent all of it running from one end of the city to another for meetings and events. then after work i had a therapy session in which i had my usual confrontation with the painful experiences i'm trying my best to move past.

i returned home not too long ago, feeling both physically and emotionally weary. as a result, i felt that i needed a gentle song for tonight.

scanning my catalog of holiday music yielded this lovely song. j.t. comes through for me again.

who comes this night - james taylor

they're putting up reindeer

i'm trying my best not to post songs that i did last year, but today i feel this song is the most appropriate one to share. since i first heard it many years ago, i've thought of it as a song that so well captures the feeling of being out of place during the holiday season, and as a result, just wanting to escape and "quit this crazy scene."

last night i was sitting in bed and noticed that i was back in this state of feeling almost devoid of emotion. it was an emptiness that strangely enough didn't yearn to be filled. it just was (and continues into today). it's a place that seems out of synch with the mood of the current season (at least the expectations thereof), and hence this song.

since last year i posted a cover of this song, i thought it only right to go to the original.

river - joni mitchell

mere words can't explain

another song from another favorite singer. surprisingly, given my mood, it's a love song set at christmas. unsurprisingly, given my mood, it's a bittersweet song about unrequited love. still, luther seems to make even heartbreak a rich experience.

every year, every christmas - luther vandross from this is christmas

it's christmas time in the city

i've long maintained that there is nothing like christmas time in new york city. you can then imagine how delighted i am to be back to partake in the sights and sounds of the holiday season in what i believe to be the greatest city on earth.

friday night, i was in the city to see the show natasha, pierre and the great comet of 1812 (which by the way is an amazing experience and you should get tickets if you are able). i had some time to kill before needing to get to the theatre, so i decided to take a walk through the streets of manhattan to see  what i could see in the time i had.

now moving around on my still recovering ankle was not the easiest thing to do, but i managed to make my way to macy's in herald square and the rockefeller centre christmas tree. then it was a trip through times square to the theatre. it was a briskly cold night, and the streets were packed with residents and visitors alike. despite the temperature and the crowds, it felt nice to be in the midst of it all - a feeling that i think today's song captures very, very well.

silver bells - bebo norman

swimming in a frozen sky

today's song is from a uk television adaptation of the children's book the snowman. the film is without dialogue save an introduction and this song. it is sung by a young boy as the boy protagonist and his snowman, who has come to life in the film, take to flight and venture to the north pole where they meet father christmas.

kenny loggins chose to record it and have it as the opening song to his holiday album december.

i love this song for it's ethereal quality. i think it perfectly conveys the almost mystical feeling that permeates the scene of a freshly fallen snow at night.

i've taken many a walk through such a setting. at times it's been with a light heart and at times a heavy one. always i've found that i've been glad for the experience. hopefully, you will feel the same after listening to this aural reproduction.

walking in the air - kenny loggins from december

maybe not in time for you and me

there are many christmas songs that reflect on the hope for love, peace and joy to be spread throughout our world. this is one of the best.

someday at christmas - stevie wonder and andra day

december

it's december, and once again we find ourselves in the midst of another holiday season. i have to admit that i'm not in the same jubilant state i was in this time last year. that notwithstanding i have decided to do another month of sharing some of my favorite holiday songs.

still, when trying to determine the approach for this year's listing, i was quite challenged. you see i'm still wrestling with this sense of loss as i continue to adjust to the reality of what will be rather than what i hoped would be, and with that i've entered into another state of questioning who i am and what my life will be about.

one bright spot in this current time is the fact that amy grant (who long time readers of my blog know is pretty much at the top of my list of all-time favorite recording artists) has released a new christmas album. i was listening to one track and realized it would be the ideal song for this first day. the fact that the title is actually the name of the month of which this is the first day certainly contributed to my feelings of this being a natural choice, but an even greater reason for the selection is that it perfectly captures what i'm feeling at this place in time.

as i thought more about this song and the entirety of amy's new album, with it's more subdued and contemplative mood mirroring my own, i thought, "what if i approached this year's entire holiday song sharing using the same theme?" after all, i'm not exactly feeling up to dashing through the snow or rocking around the christmas tree. and so that's what i've decided to do.

with that i should share this caveat that if you indeed expected "happy, happy, joy, joy" from my indicating at the beginning of this entry that i'd once again embark upon sharing favorite holiday tunes, then this might not be the experience for you, but if you're good with songs that reflect the still, quiet and poignant aspects of this season within which we find ourselves, then i invite you to join me in this year's journey through some more of my favorite songs of the season.

last point. this is likely the most commentary i will make in an entry over the course of this month. in keeping with the theme, the vast majority of what i will write will be simple and spare. after all, even though these are my favorites, i'd like this to be as much about what these songs bring to life in your hearts and minds as they reflect what's going on with me.

december - amy grant from tennessee christmas

the inexplicable

this past wednesday was the third anniversary of the first time sean and i met face-to-face. this year, as in the past, i've marked this occasion with a greeting and a small gift to my friend. this year, as in the previous two, the day and the days following have more of a sense of sadness than joy.

today it hit me how strongly i've missed sean -- a feeling that has been at a particularly peak level this week. i also thought that it seemed to defy a logical explanation as to why this was the case. why is it that i still feel so strongly, that i still "kinda miss him" (to borrow a phrase that i've exchanged with sean many times over the past three years)? why is the heart pain so acute that i get teary eyed? why do i still think about him just about every day even though i haven't seen him in almost two years and the communication has been very light over this past one?

there are many times, particularly of late, that i question if this dynamic is healthy. i don't think i've ever experienced something like it in any other relationship that i've had at least not for this long of a duration of time. yet, experience it i do even though i really don't know why.

there are so many times that i feel that it seems so unfair that i can feel this way about someone who i doubt is having the same experience with respect to me. i'm not sure that he has much consideration of me between one instance when i reach out to him to say hello and the next.

i have to admit this has hit me particularly hard today -- the loneliness, the disappointment, the sense of foolishness, the feeling of not being wanted, of being insignificant to someone for whom i've developed a deep affection. all the feelings i've had at various time over the past three years revisiting me all at once.

it does all seem so inexplicable. at least it does to me today, and i'm not sure if i will ever understand it.

the day after the loss

on what is a painful day for many of us, i thought these concluding words from lincoln's second inaugural address might be fitting:

with malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation's wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.

May these words from one republican guide the every action of our next president as well as our own.

what i would have wanted

i've had a conflicted feeling about relationships ever since my break-up with michael. that conflict has come to the fore as a result of my discussions with my new therapist about the dynamics of my friendship with sean.

he's been asking me what i was seeking with sean, and i've always responded that it's what i've described as an intimate friendship. one that has both emotional and physical dimensions but isn't about being romantically involved. one that isn't a precursor to being boyfriends or partners or husbands. one that is and always will remain in the "bff's with benefits" zone.

i've been saying for some time that's really all i want at most any future relationships with men. i just want a good friend with whom sex is a part of the potential choice of activities. it's not something that has to happen every time we get together nor is it something that can't happen if we so choose.

i've been saying it for some time, but last night i was wondering why. is it a jaded reaction to the end of my relationship with michael - the perspective that since my ten plus year relationship (which was difficult for most of its duration) didn't work out that any committed relationship i would have in the future would eventually end so why bother hoping for one? i then thought what if michael had never happened at all. what would have i wanted in terms of a relationship?

it's certainly an interesting question to ponder. i mean i grew up with and was influenced by the same cultural conditions that dictated that life is not complete without a spouse that everyone else has, so i'm sure at some time or other that's what i believed i wanted. i know after i came out, having a boyfriend who i would eventually have as a partner was definitely a desired goal. it certainly is what pushed me in and through a relationship that should have come to an end much sooner (well, that and my determination to believe that somehow my love would make things better. obviously, it didn't).

i guess it's true that had michael not happened what i would have wanted would still have been to find the man of my dreams and settle down with him in domestic bliss. but michael has happened and it is possible that the difficulties of that relationship may have been as much of a clarifier of what i really want as it could be a creator of disbelief in the ability of what i used to hope for to ever come to pass.

right now i'm going to continue the course with the "bff with benefits" mindset, trusting that if something different is meant for me that whatever that may be will present itself and i'll be able to embrace it. now the difficult part is actually finding that relationship, and if my current experience with sean is any indicator, achieving that goal will continue to be an elusive one.

just needs a pronoun change or two

i think i may be starting to slip again. i guess losses can do that to you.

i heard this song a few moments ago, and it seems to say everything that i've felt for much of my adult life. it just needs a pronoun change or two.

she used to be mine - sara bareilles 

needed - a dose of love

so i've hurt my ankle. well, actually hurt is probably understating the situation. i've actually fractured it. it's the result of an overzealous workout in which, rather than listening to the initial pain signals my body was sending, i decided to "push through" the pain. i pushed through all right all the way into a crack in my ankle bone.

this stupidity was only exceeded by the fact that i assumed that i had merely sprained my ankle and all i needed to do was ice it and take some ibuprofen and all would be well. and so, i proceeded to walk on it (limp most of the time) for two plus weeks until finally the pain became so great i needed to go to the emergency room, where, much to my surprise and dismay, i learned about the full extent of damage i had brought upon myself.

and so here i lay on my living room couch with a temporary cast, awaiting a trip to the orthopedist on monday where it will be determined if i need to go into a soft cast or not. i am not happy about this turn of events (which i'm sure comes as no surprise).

as a result of this injury, i am walking with a cane, which makes everything take twice as long to accomplish. i am not able to drive and will have have to spend much of my time within the four walls of my apartment. i will work from home with occasional trips into the office for which i will have to get a car to take me.

and if the physical pain and inconveniences were not enough, there is also the emotional toll this injury is taking on me. it feels as if there is a special kind of loneliness that visits me as a single adult dealing with any kind of illness or physical ailment. it seems to cut deeper into my heart and weighs heavier on my mind. my mood is darker and my sense of vulnerability is more acute. all because there is no one here with me to ease this burden and to nurture me to health.

i wonder at times like this which is worse, the actual physical injury or the emotional turmoil that accompanies it. funny thing though is i can take medication for the physical pain and a boot will be placed around my foot to protect it from further injury and facilitate the healing process. i guess the love of another would be the cure for my wounded soul. unfortunately, that is one remedy  for which my doctor can't prescribe.

i had another one of those dreams

i had another one of those dreams last night.

i was sitting on a couch with a man that was unknown to me in my waking life but very known to me in this world of my dreams.

he was a friend. a good friend. a best friend.

we were sitting on a couch together amongst a group of other friends, in the dark, watching a movie. his arm was around me and at a certain point, for no immediately apparent reason, he put a finger on my chin and turned my face towards his.

he smiled at me. it was a smile with which i was very familiar. a smile that said i care about you my friend. a smile that made me feel safe and loved.

i smiled back in kind and with the same feeling.

and then he leaned into me and our lips touched. this was new. something that we had not done before but something that also felt very right.

we kissed and his tongue lightly entered my mouth. i sucked on the tip and the act filled me with warmth and peace.

and then i woke up. the warm feeling still lingering within me and a smile on my face.

but as the day has gone on the warm feeling has left me and a cold ache of loneliness has taken its place. and the smile has given way to soft tears and a yearning heart.

and i wonder, do i wish i didn't have these types of dreams or that i didn't wake up from them?

belief system shaken not stirred

i have a long-term habit of waking up to music. at one time it was npr, but there's just so much erudite commentary one can endure that early in the morning, so i shifted my alarm setting to "cd" and have greeted each day with favorite songs by favorite artists. usually, i pick one particular album, and it stays in rotation for several weeks.

my current music selection is jason mraz's yes. it's an album that has been a wake up selection before, and i particularly enjoy it as it has a gentle opening (interestingly enough called rise) that leads into a lovely song that pleasantly arouses one from slumber to begin what, for me at least, tends to be a long day.

as i listened to that first song (titled love someone), the first lyrics jumped out at me. "love is a funny thing, whenever i give it, it comes back to me." i guess the reason why these lyrics are so striking is that they capture what has been a long-held belief of mine - that love is a powerful generative force, creating a continuous feedback loop between both the receiver and the giver. it is a belief though that has been greatly shaken by my friendship with sean.

over the past few weeks, i've found myself having to grapple with the reality that any active relationship with sean is long past, and, his brief reemergence a couple of weeks ago notwithstanding, it is likely that my journey to becoming a memory in his life will be complete very soon.

i've shared before that it is very painful to give love and have no sense that it is making any difference in the life of the person to whom you are providing it or in the quality of your relationship with him. the lack of reciprocity feels like throwing a grain of sand into the ocean. there is likely some impact, but it is so infinitesimal that it seems meaningless.

this burdensome thought, as this blog can most certainly attest, has continued to make itself known periodically over the course of my friendship with sean. this sense that while i have attempted to be a good friend and give love freely, it has little if any significance to his life. i guess this feeling seems most acute now as my ability to believe that things could be otherwise has been greatly diminished by events over the past few months.

my heart is particularly heavy this day. i woke up this way, and i imagine the feeling will persist throughout my remaining waking hours. accepting the truth of a loss of something i greatly valued is hard. having the loss cause me to seriously doubt a central part of my belief system feels especially devastating as i know it will effect my subsequent relationships with men for some time to come. hesitancy to give love and doubts of the resilience of the relationship i sense will be ever present should i attempt any form of significant connection with men in the future.

i'm back in therapy and my therapist asked me recently why i thought it was so difficult to dispel the belief that my relationships with men inevitably will end in loss and heartbreak. i told him it's because i tend to take in the times that it happens as further evidence that supports this perspective.

i suppose then with the slow demise of my friendship with sean, this is a case of one belief system shaken and another one reinforced.

pain and peace

so much of the former. so little of the latter.

when will the balance change? will it ever when i think of him in days and months and years hence?

for now, i suspect, it will be more tears in the morning and tears late at night.

such is the way of loss.

now back to our regularly scheduled programming

(warning: this is another reflection on my friendship with sean post. proceed at your own risk)

so there's a somewhat positive sign on the sean front. it appears he did accept my contact request on skype. i use the phrases "somewhat positive sign" and "it appears" because though he is a contact, there was no additional communication to accompany the change. for what it's worth, i have added him back as a "favorite" contact on my side.

and so what now? without any more word from him, i guess i go back to where things were before my hurt reaction on sunday. i go back to worrying how he's doing and wishing i could be of help in some way.

i've asked myself, not just now but over the weeks and months prior, why the silence? i mean, weeks go by and i just send a friendly text or skype note saying i hope he's doing well, not asking for anything more of him and then after a month or so of no responses, i reach out saying i'm concerned and would just like word that he's still alive. one time he did respond, letting me know he wasn't in a good space. this latest time he has not replied to this day. i do know he's alive but not how his life is going. maybe that should be sufficient. i'm not sure.

he's my friend. i have never used that word lightly. i don't describe people with whom i work or know casually as friends as some do. i only use this term for people to whom i feel a strong mutual connection, and that i know i want to give my loyal support and that i believe (at least hope) feel the same about me.

i once expressed to sean, just after we met for the first time that i didn't want to creep him out, but as a result of our first in-person meeting, i felt we were bonded together. he said it didn't creep him out at all and that he shared a similar feeling. we've only met up two times after that. the third time he visited me at my home.

i can only tell you that each time we've met in person, they have been really great experiences. each time better than i anticipated it would be. we had these conversations where he was so open and shared so much about who he is and i did likewise. they were the kind of conversations that you felt like you really connect. i shared with him once, after a similar kerfuffle about being in contact with one another, that it is rare to find someone who you get and feels gets you. he sent back a smiley face emoji.

i guess i share these things because i've been scrolling back through some old skype conversations and they've reminded me of what i believe has been the nature of our friendship. it hasn't been easy due to our respective personal demons and dysfunctions, but at its heart it has been a good friendship (something i wish i had captured more of in this blog). i don't want to hold us to all that has been, but i also don't want to lose the best of what was in whatever will be (though my confidence wavers as to whether there will be a "will be" for us).

and what if there is not? at this place in time, particularly if we end like this with no further contact from him, i know i will feel disappointed and hurt and wounded. i believe, as happens with the loss of all things we perceive to have been good, the pain will be with me in some form or another the rest of my life (the reverberations of the end of the relationship with my friend from high school are still echoing in my heart). it might not be healthy or wise or practical, but it is how i'm wired. i think it's also the reason why i'm back in therapy (something i believe god tricked me into, but that is a story for another time).

i also know that i will still care about him. i will still wonder and even worry about how he is doing. i will still think of him as my friend.

a different approach

this entry may be a bit of an "eye roller" for those longer term readers of this blog. please indulge me or if you prefer, skip this one and come back to the next entry (whenever that one may appear). also, as i would guess might be obvious with the situation with sean, it is also likely that the next entries for the foreseeable future will be about that relationship, so again, if you're done with that topic, either proceed with caution or find the nearest emergency exit.

i think i've shared previously that i had a similar friendship issue back when i was in college that involved my best friend from high school. for those who are not familiar with this particular story or need a refresher, the gist of the story is this. after our sophomore year in college, i would visit my friend at her home and each time she seemed less than interested to see me. after a few of these encounters, i sought advice from my mother on how to deal with the situation. she advised that my friend just needed some space and that i should give that to her by not contacting her. she would get back in touch with me when she was ready. i'm still waiting.

actually, that's not completely true. after we all graduated college, i had my friends from high school come over for a little celebratory party. i invited this one friend and she came. i have to admit it was kind of awkward, the conversation was stilted, and she left early. still, i was glad she did visit. that was pretty much the last time i saw her (i did run into her briefly one last time at the mall some years later with a guy who i assumed was her then boyfriend).

so we fast forward to now. similar situation. a friend is responding to me as if he is no longer interested in my friendship. after some months of experiencing this stand offish kind of behavior, i felt that he was telling me to shove off and move on. as a response, i deleted his phone number from my cell. i removed him as a contact on skype (even blocked him, but only because he wouldn't disappear from my favorites list unless i did so). i erased every trace of him on my computer. these actions were intended to serve two purposes. one was to prevent me from contacting him as he seemed to want me to do. the other was to prevent the pain that would occur from being reminded of him and his former presence in my life.

the thing is i've continued to be haunted by my pledge to be his friend and to be there for him as he needed me. for whatever reason it's difficult for me to turn my back on a person if i have the slightest belief that i could be of help.

i also believe that god places a burden on our hearts for people that he wishes to be in our lives for some reason or purpose that might be not be discernible to us. it doesn't mean we're supposed to be there forever or even a long period of time. it could be for just a season; however long it may need to be and for whatever reason. and when our purpose is fulfilled, i feel that god will give a sense of release from the relationship. that has not happened in sean's case -- at least not yet.

this morning i woke up thinking about him and the situation with my friend from high school. i thought about how over all of these years i still wish i'd taken a different approach to the one my mother suggested. yes, it would have been fine to give her a bit of space, but at a certain point, i wish i had reached back out one more time and had a conversation with her about what the feelings i was having of her seeming to not want to be friends. the result might have been the same, but at least i would have tried.

and so i did something that even now i'm questioning the wisdom of doing. i unblocked sean on skype. i sent him a contact request with a note saying "the ball is in your court." it's an attempt. it's an attempt i'm questioning for it's potential to harm me even further. still, if i don't hear from him, then i will know that my perceptions are correct, that our friendship is at an end and i will have to learn to live with that fact.

i likely will still be haunted by questioning of why this end happened at this particular time.  there have been other times i would have understood, but at this time, after years of repeated assurances that he still wanted to be friends, this sudden change has me mystified and hurt.

last night i questioned why my heart and mind seemed to be in such misalignment. my head asking why i was so upset about a person who seemed to be indicating that he wasn't interested in being friends? why was i continuing to be concerned about a friendship that was not wanted and why did i want to continue when i felt i wasn't respected or valued by the other person? why quite simply was my heart not in synch with my head?

maybe it's this burden that i feel divinely given. maybe it's just obsessive-compulsive behavior. maybe it's just quite simply that no one wants to feel unwanted or just maybe it's the fact that my perceptions are wrong and i'm trying to set the situation right. i don't really know what's happening, but i hope, by taking this different approach, i will find out.

the happily ever after

i'm always fascinated by how the experience from our childhoods have such a significant impact on how we as adults think and behave. one particular experience is hearing the stories of princes and princesses, witches and trolls, dangerously inquisitive children and heartless stepmothers, and of course, once upon a times and happily ever afters -- the stories we collectively refer to as fairy tales.

recently, i've made some pretty significant changes in my life. i've taken a new job in a new city to begin yet another new chapter in my life. and just as in those childhood tales, after the "hero" or "heroine" overcomes countless obstacles to obtain their long hoped for prize, the expectations of all who've witnessed my own journey of struggle with depression and life disappointments has been hopes that a happily ever after experience is assured. and so off i was sent, with congratulations and well-wishes, off into the sunset and my "hea" life.

the thing is, at least from my experience, there is no such thing as a "hea" life. the same challenges in this chapter of life that existed in the previous ones can emerge and have. i'm challenged with adjusting to a new work environment and relationships that are quite different from the ones that i have just left. the process of setting up a new household and all the elements of a life in a new locale has been exhausting. and lastly,  as alluded to in a recent entry, i'm having to come to terms with the fact that, as much as i wanted to be a friend to sean, it's not what he wants and so it's time to leave him be and let go of the relationship.

this last one is particularly hard. as i've shared in many previous entries, it's difficult to want to give support and encouragement and, yes, a form of love to a person and not have that accepted. it leaves me feeling defeated and worthless. every time i think about it, the pain makes my heart feel as if it's about to burst. it's not easy when he's someone i've tended to think about at least once a day i get weepy when he comes to mind and it's one of the reasons that i pretty much had to remove anything that would remind me of him from my life.

and there hasn't even been a goodbye (or a "get lost" for that matter). just silence to every attempt to reach out that i've made over the past month plus. no reply even to my sharing concerns that some harm may have come to him and just wanting some reassurance that he's alive and well. nothing.

for the last three years, i've been hoping he's doing well, praying that he will get through this difficult time in his life, wanting to do whatever i can to help, and at the end of the day, it's not enough.

and that has been the story of my life with so many relationships, particularly those with men. i know this latest episode and the pain that it elicits will be with me for awhile. i don't really know how i will recover from this.

what i do know is, at least right now, there is no happily in this ever after.

my future in redux

another unexplained lost relationship. another deep wound to my heart. more lost ability to trust. more lost capability to hope. more doubt about whether i will ever be happy again.

hands clean - alanis morissette

the sound of a bridge burning

i told myself i would never post this song unless something in particular happened. it did. so i am.

and yes it is the sound of a bridge burning. and if you listen closely enough, a heart breaking.

gravity by sara bareilles

it's about always moving forward

there is a statement that is made in the film the september issue, rj cutler's wonderful documentary about the making of the 2007 september issue of vogue magazine, that i think of often. it is made by grace coddington, at the time vogue's immensely talented creative director, as she's traveling in a car through the streets of paris. in a reflection on the nature of fashion she states something to the effect that "fashion is about always moving forward." it is a perspective that is echoed by grace's boss, the inimitable editor in chief anna wintour later in the film.

the reason i think about this sentiment so much is I believe it actually speaks to what is essentially the essence of life. our orientation must always be about moving forward and not trying to stay in or retain what is past.

this truism came to mind this morning as i thought about an online chat i had with a friend last night, the same friend who was in fact the subject of the latter half of yesterday's blog entry.

it's funny that as i was finishing that entry, up popped his greeting as a response to a ping i had sent out earlier. i won't go into the specific content of the conversation here. what i will share is that by the end of it, i said i felt better about things between us and he shared that he did as well.

so this morning i woke up and thought about how i was ready to move forward with whatever form the relationship might take from here. that's when ms. coddington's perspective on fashion came to the forefront of my mind. in that moment it became crystal clear that all this time i had been trying to get us to move back to the past dynamic of our relationship rather than being open to what the future state might be.

it's not an unusual reaction to have when change takes place. you've had something good that you've enjoyed and you want that to last as long as it can. so when the changes of life come along and disturb that cherished dynamic, you fight like hell to preserve it, and, well, that never works. in fact, it can ruin what you do have.

in all honesty, i've known this to be true for some time, but the acknowledgement was a begrudging one. i guess the image would be one of my being dragged into the future. now, i see myself walking into it willingly.

as i shared with my friend last night, it is rare in this life when you find someone who you feel like gets you and vice-versa. those are the relationships i think we should do our best to hold onto, but we also have to be willing to let how they work change, adapting to new life circumstances.

after all, life really is about always moving forward and recognizing by doing so maybe, just maybe even better times lay ahead.

something new, something old

one of the strange things about life is how the simplest of gestures can set off a cascade of events that lead to a monumental change. you get a message from a search firm recruiter about a job more than halfway across the country. you agree to a chat. that chat leads to a series of interviews. next thing you know you have a job offer that you accept, and you find yourself preparing for a move to a new place and a new phase of your life. at least that's been my experience over the past couple of months.

and then there is another gesture. you send a text message to a friend saying you want to talk later about this new opportunity -- an opportunity that will lead to your moving to the same city in which he resides. with this comes the hope that your increasingly distant relationship will have a chance to reverse course. your friend says he will try to talk with you that evening, but it doesn't happen. you send a few texts, but there's no response. you wait for days with no word about when if ever you will connect. then you see he's online and you reach out again and then there's a connection.

there is an apology for why you didn't connect that evening days before. he shares with you that he has gotten a job in another city and will be moving there likely before you even make your move. you congratulate him on his success, but there is no reciprocal response to your news. a conversation, the longest you two have had in a long time ensues. you share this seems to be a sign that perhaps this is "the end of our run." he protests and says it's not the end. you rebut and in your heart you know that all you hoped for this particular relationship will never come to pass. you go to bed weepy and have had moments ever since when he comes to mind. this too has been my experience.

and so here i sit, writing once again in this blog about things to come and things that have been. i am on the cusp of entering what i hope will be an exciting and fulfilling new chapter in my life, yet i know i will be carrying some of the pain of this chapter forward with me as well. things may be new but some things never change.

a single question

a night in the city we first met. a stroll past the hotel where we first talked and the restaurant where we shared our first meal. a cool breeze, this time of spring, that time of fall, both the same in feeling. memories stir emotions deep in my heart. a wistful sigh and this single question forms in my mind, "what happened?"

this great absence

the familiar voices in my life have gone silent. there are legitimate, understandable reasons for this occurrence, and yet, that fact does little to assuage the emotional pain.

i leave work and i enter into this great absence. save the much appreciated daily email exchanges with a dear friend, there is no other consistent contact with another person. it is just me.

once again, i feel lost and alone and to some degree abandoned. i place no blame on my otherwise occupied friends. they too have difficulties and new challenges of their own to bear, and the sense of abandonment comes from a place far deeper than the reaction to current circumstances.

"nature abhors a vacuum" is a fundamental law of the universe. for me, when this phenomenon of the great absence occurs in my life, past hurts, disappointments, and losses from previous relationships rush in to fill the space. this is not the kind of company that i am looking for.

i follow - audra mcdonld w/theresa mccarthy

unwanted

it is how i feel. it is not a good place to be, and life continues to hide my way out. 

is it a foolish to want to be rescued from this lonely state? is it foolish to believe that there will ever be anyone who cares enough to do so? 

 

i see now why i continue to ask these questions. unwanted. it's really all i've ever known.  

on half the bed

every night i sleep on a king-sized bed. almost every night for most of the past several years, i have slept in that bed alone. the strange thing, given a bed of that size, is that, for all of that time, i've only slept on half of the bed. every night i settle into the right side of the bed, and when it is time for sleep, i turn off the light on my nightstand, roll over on my side and drift off to slumber, all the time remaining on the right half of the bed. every morning i awake still on the right side.

i'm sure part of the reason for my utilization of only half my available sleeping space is that for seven years and on and off for an additional five (more off than on), i shared that bed and the right side of it was my constant space of occupation.

well, that was then. why do i continue to do so now?

i don't really have an answer to that question. it's not as if i haven't thought about it before -- the fact that giving up so much of that sleeping real estate seems absurd. maybe it is just a matter of habit. twelve years is definitely a long enough period of time to get into a rut. maybe it's a matter of efficiency. after all, it's easier to get in and out of the bed when you sleep on the edge.

i've thought about making a change but never seem able to do so. instead, as i prepare to fall asleep, i clutch a pillow, pull it close to me and proceed to spoon with it as a vain substitute for a companion that seems there never will be again.

in the past two plus years since i left michael, i have had exactly one man share my bed, and as might be expected he slept on the left half of the mattress (after all, i have over a decade of prior claim to the right). it was just for one night, though given my prior and continued friendship with this person, i would not characterize it as a "one night stand." that's a brief moment given the period of time in which the left space has remained unoccupied. still, it was nice while it lasted. the unfortunate by-product of that experience though is that at times i am haunted by that night. as i go to bed and roll over to my left side, i look straight ahead at that empty space and am drawn back to that night when there was a lingering (if only fleetingly) presence by my side (i even experienced a brief moment of spooning -- my friend professes he isn't much of a cuddler).

i don't think he is likely to return to that empty half of the bed though he is most definitely more than welcome to. even so, it's likely i'll continue lying on that right half of the bed, waiting for someone to fill that empty space and hopefully my very empty life.

approaching the next hurdle

shortly after the new year, i was doing some early morning grocery shopping, and as i walked through the aisles looking for the various items i needed to fill my depleted pantry at home, i passed by the card section. there before me was an aisle festooned with pink and red hearts, streamers, balloons and ribbons. it took me only a second to realize that the celebratory trappings of the holiday season had now been replaced by those of valentine's day. thinking back on how through the latter half of the holidays i had been somewhat affected by feelings of loneliness, i commented to myself, "oh, i guess that's the next emotional hurdle i will need to get past."

fast forward to this week. a couple of days ago, i had a pretty candid discussion with a friend about some hurtful dynamics that had emerged in our relationship. i recounted to him some of the same perspectives that i've shared over the last few blog entries, namely, my having the feeling that no matter what i do, no matter how good a friend i've tried to be to him, it feels that all of that effort hasn't mattered at all.

it was a difficult conversation though not so much because of its tenor. there were no accusations, harsh statements, or defensiveness. he did make some attempt to reassure me that i did matter to him, and that the issues were more about how he's been reacting to some things going on in his own life. it was difficult because unpacking all of that emotion and putting it on naked display is just a hard thing to do. to have to relive all that pain and yet have no real resolution (because i knew despite the reassurances there would be no changes in behavior on my friend's part) is as draining and disheartening as it gets.

today, i was driving to work listening to what became apparent was the closing moments of a radio program. as the hosts brought the show to it's finish, they signed off by enthusiastically wishing everyone a happy valentine's day. as a regular listener to this particular show, i knew that both of the hosts are married with kids, so i thought that naturally they approached valentine's day with great excitement. i did wonder though if they could have dialed down the cheerfulness just a bit for those of us for whom this particular holiday is a challenging one.

as i pulled into my parking space, i thought of that difficult conversation from a two nights previous. in it i shared that a particular event that had happened last fall between my friend and me had broken me. that feeling of being broken came over me again as i stood beside my car. i just had this sense that my will to believe or even hope for things to be better in terms of having that vital companionship was just gone without even the slightest trace remaining, leaving behind this pervasive sense of utter desolation. "how will i ever come back from this?" i asked myself. no answer came or has arisen since.

from that point on it felt as if my next hurdle would actually be just getting through the rest of the day.

i keep coming back to this

is there really much more to say?

i am only one - we are the fallen

back into obscurity

i think i've pretty much given up. i've tried and failed to bring about the life i want, so i'm retreating back into the life i have. no matter how lonely and unsatisfying that life may be, no matter how forgotten it makes me feel, i've lost my belief that it can be any different. as a result i'm moving further and further away from the few connections i've made back into the solitary dark night of my soul.

is that a result of not wanting to be disappointed further or is it because, as i've commented before, i don't think it really matters what i try to give to a relationship, it seems not to make any difference? i'm not sure, but i do know i don't have the will to continue trying to find connection with men when it always ends in my being abandoned, left with more scars on an already damaged heart.

this perspective may change. i don't think, however, it will change because of anything i've done. the change will likely have to come because of something positive that has happened to me.

i've commented before on having this feeling that i need something extraordinary to happen in my life, and for the last three years or so that something has eluded me. it seems pretty foolish to look and hope for something that will never happen.

and so back into obscurity i go, though, come to think of it, maybe i never left.

disheartened

it's a sentiment that i've been carrying around in my soul for the past few weeks. it echoes through my psyche whenever i reflect on how i've done my best to give to various relationships over the course of my lifetime and how none of those efforts seemed to make any difference in the long-term presence of those people in my life. looking back from the present to the past, it just seems like a long string of failures.

as i think about recent disappointments and where to go from here, i feel no confidence that the future will look any different than the past.

it hurts to have this perspective that whatever good you try to bring to a relationship doesn't really matter. i've shared that perspective quite a few times in this blog. now, it has pretty much completely crushed any hopes that i've previously harbored that a meaningful, intimate relationship will ever have a sustained presence in my life. as a result, i have no motivation to even begin what i feel will ultimately be a futile attempt.

and so my life feels very quiet and small and empty. i hoped for a kind of love in my life that would bring me home. i guess no such person or place actually exists for me.

replaying

a song that has appeared more than once on this blog. i wonder if there will ever be a day when it doesn't so closely reflect how i see myself.

tapes - alanis morissette

but that one

this past wednesday was my birthday. interestingly enough, it was that once every several years phenomenon that not only was it the date of the anniversary of my birth but also the actual day of the week on which i was born.

it was the typical birthday, i.e., pretty much a non-event. i received various well wishes from work colleagues and some friends from different locations both here and abroad. i then spent an evening alone, contemplating that i am so lacking of love and companionship in my life.

every year people ask me if i'm doing something special to celebrate, and every year i've had to say, "not really," knowing that is only a partial answer. the full answer is that i am not celebrating because i have no one with whom to do that.

there is always this particularly painful realization i have when a birthday comes around. it is that there is no one who has it as his concern to help make my birthday a special event. there is no one who feels that on january 13, he will be present to ensure that this day will be memorable and cherished.

this year a friend forgot my birthday. it hurt (and continues to do so in this short period after) very much. i think this acute pain stems from the fact that, in the time i've known this person, i have purposed to reach out to him with birthday greetings and even a small gift. i do this not because it is what one does on a birthday. i do it because i want him to know he is a special person -- not just to me but to the world at large. i want him to feel that someone knows and believes that his life matters.

and so to be forgotten in this way brings into full view all of the struggles of self-worth, of acceptance, of belonging, of significance that i have had for most of my life. and certainly while it hurts to be reminded of my deepest pain of not believing i matter, i can see that the pain is deepened further by the fact that it is this particular friend who has not acknowledged my birthday. it feels that all the intention and care and yes love that i have done my best to pour into this relationship means nothing. i give but it makes no difference to the receiver and again i am diminished.

it is a dynamic i certainly experience in my relationship with michael. it is one i fear that i will experience in my relationships with all men for the rest of my life.

it does seem unfortunate that you can have a dozen or so people extend heartfelt well-wishes to you, but it only takes that one person to nullify any effect that they may have.

this particular person used to stop by this blog on occasion, and even though i tried to be completely open with my writings, i know that when writing about the sometimes painful aspects of our friendship, i always held back a little so as not to hurt him. i feel no such obligation now, not because i have no concern about hurting him. quite the contrary. i just know that he will never see this entry or any others that may pertain to him or any other topic i may write about.

if it is not apparent this blog entry is about the same person as yesterday's entry. the day i looked up from my life to realize the friend i had was gone? my birthday. what a present to receive.

the friend i had

a few nights ago, i looked up and realized that the friend i had is gone. the problems and pains, the trials and tests, the difficulties and disappointments, the chaos and the crises of the world have taken him away from me never to return again to the "somewhere only we know" that we once shared.

the friend i had is gone, and now i must try my best to live with the man he has become. no matter how distant, how remote, how disengaged he may be from our relationship, i must live with who he is now. no matter how heartbroken and discouraged i may be, no matter how many recriminations and criticisms i hurl at myself, no matter how many "if only i were more this or less of thats" reverberate through my mind, i must find a way to accept what has come to pass.

i must accept the friend i have and pray that my belief that love does make a difference will return again.

my life in 4 minutes and 12 seconds

back to the place where i feel like my life in relationships is pretty much summed up in this one song.

is it ironic to have a birthday upcoming when you're questioning if your ever having been born is a good thing?

i am so lost.

what a fool believes - kenny loggins and michael mcdonald

if you provide one, i'd be happy to

this week the blues of the latter part of my recently completed vacation continued. pretty much every night i've had some level of sadness about being alone. i think the sadness comes not even as much from my current state but from the fact that i have no idea what to do about it.

i came to a realization a few days ago that all of my friends during my adult life have either come from people i met in church or people that i met through people that i was friends with from church. so basically, i've never had to learn how to go out and find friends. they just presented themselves because we were in the same venue (similar to how in my early years, as with most people, all my friends came from school). now given the fact act this self-described "evangelical in recovery/lapsed catholic" is not likely to find himself in church anytime soon, i found myself thinking, "boy am i screwed"when it comes to the idea of meeting that "kindred spirit with benefits."

i've been told that maybe trying a dating site would work. maybe, but given that i'm not sure that i'm looking for mr. right as i suspect everyone on those sites really is (something i've commented on previously in this blog), it doesn't seem like the right solution. plus, i don't know if i'm in an emotional space to really pursue a relationship. i think i am open to being "pursued," if you will. actually, i'm even fine with someone making the first step towards me, and then we can meet each other halfway. i just know i can't keep feeling like i'm chasing after someone any longer.

so that's been my struggle this week. last night i decided to order a pizza and some cokes to drown my sorrows. i drank one last night and put the other in the fridge to have today with the leftover pizza. this morning, when i came downstairs and opened the refrigerator to get some milk, there was the coke label staring at me.

you know how coke now has these labels that have "share a coke with" and there will be different statements like "your brother" or "someone nice." well, this label said, "share a coke with your soulmate."

i closed the fridge and thought, "what are the odds of my getting that specific label?" i wish the honor had gone to someone else for whom it might have been more applicable because, for my part, i don't think i needed that particular reminder of my deepest longing and greatest pain.

the season and my sadness in summary

after a christmas season filled with the activities of decorating, cookie baking, cocoa drinking and gift giving that was a much closer approximation to how i've celebrated the holiday in the past, i read a statement today that perfectly conveyed why i've pretty much always taken what some would see as a ridiculously extravagant approach to christmas.

the statement was in a book about the celebration of christmas in the southern region of our country, and it was contained within an essay in which a woman was sharing her own almost obsessive preparations for and activities during the holiday season. toward the end of her reflections, she makes the following conclusion:

and there it was in a nutshell. my christmas obsession wasn't about the holidays at all. it was about creating a space that felt like love. a magical, light-filled fantasy reflecting promise and hope and dreams we pray will come true. 

and my reaction upon reading that was that it captured exactly my own motivations and desires for the results of my actions at this time of year. and while it was the perfect encapsulation of my raison d'être during the holidays, this profound statement also carried with it a bit of sadness.

sadness due to, firstly, the reminder of something i came to recognize slowly over time. because as much as i tried to make christmas a special time for the man i loved, this same man, with whom i spent a significant portion of my adult life, never seemed to remotely understand or appreciate what i was trying to accomplish, what i was trying to "gift" him out of gratitude for his being in my life.

the second part of the sadness is that now i am away from that man, but there is no one in my life with whom i can share this experience. it reminds me of that oft-repeated question about if sound exists from a tree falling in a forest without any witness of that action. if someone creates a space that feels like love, but there is no one to receive it, does it really matter at all that the effort was made?

same familiar place

a good new year to all! my apologies for missing yesterday's last holiday season posting. i was enjoying the company of some friends who were stopping over for the night on their relocation trip back east.

i'm taking today to post what was going to be the last song posted of 2015. it's a song that's not really a holiday song, but has a tie-in to new year's eve as it borrows a part of its title from the title of a song that has been traditionally sung as the clock strikes midnight.

it is a song about memories of relationships past of loss and regret and a moment in time when where we are in life is less than what we hoped it would be. it's a place that, a little time after my friends drove away to continue their journey to a new phase of life, i realized that i find my myself very much in.

for those of you who have dropped in for a portion or the entirety of my december holiday music postings, i appreciate your allowing me to share a portion of my favorite music with you. it's showing a piece of my heart and i value this opportunity. i also wish you the very best that 2016 has to offer!

same old lang syne - dan fogelberg