that particular time

a song for michael and me.

that particular time - alanis morrisette

my foundation was rocked
my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old
i stood in the room shaking in my boots

at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment i knew not run away again
that particular month i was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good
for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart
would clear up the doubts that were abounding

at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what 'us' meant
at that particular time

i've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself

and yet i wanted to save us high water or Hell
and i kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime i lost myself, in the meantime i lost myself
i'm sorry i lost myself, i am

you knew you needed more time
time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high
to define what you wanted

at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment i knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but i still left
at that particular time

my schizoid days and nights

another topic of discussion in my chat last night with s.r. was how my days seem to have a "schizoid" quality to them. the days are full and busy and i generally feel like a emotionally balanced, well adjusted person. then the night comes around and my mood takes a continuous, at times precipitous, decline until i'm truly questioning my own sanity. and then the next day the roller coaster ride starts all over again.

it's pretty clear that because my days are filled (often to overflowing) with meetings, emails, and phone conversations, my attention is focused on getting all that needs to be done accomplished and there's little mental space for reflecting on my desire for love and companionship. at night with little to occupy me other than what to microwave for dinner, read or watch on tv, my mind is completely free to think and obsess about this feeling of emptiness and longing for intimate relationship that i have.

as i expressed to s.r., it is that type of relationship, that connection that provides my life with a deep meaning. and as he correctly discerned it's likely my fear of not having that fulfillment that kept me in (and kept me going back to) my relationship with michael even when i knew that it really wasn't  the type of supportive, life-giving, life affirming relationship that either of us needed or wanted.

and what continues to be so distressing to me is that i don't know how to get beyond this period of the split personality day. i don't know how to bring about what i most desire. what's worse, as was evident in my entry last night (a cry in the night indeed), is that i doubt my own ability to do so even if i knew what to do. my track record does not exactly speak well of my inherent capabilities and instincts in finding the right person for me.

i really need some help.

a cry in the night

the following is from the close of an online chat with s.r. tonight. it was a chat in which we started talking about the hurt i'm currently experiencing. unfortunately, he was tired and not too long into it said he was going to bed. he thought he'd continue the talk via text but i suspect sleep overtook him sooner than he thought and we never continued the discussion. my mind was racing and i just had to get these thoughts out so i decided to keep typing. i have no idea what the consequence or result may be of doing so. i do know that my pain is deep and wide and i have no idea how i am going to get through this. anyway, here's what i wrote:

still there?
so i'm going to just keep typing here cause my mind is full and i'm guessing you'll see this next time you log on
i know that the fundamental problem is deep down inside i struggle with trusting
what you don't know but i guess you will now is that every morning when i text you
it's a struggle with fear and doubt
every day the same tape plays
 "why are you doing this? he doesn't really care about hearing from you? you're nothing to him?"
every day
and the same tape plays with my hopes for love
"who's going to really love you? and when you found someone, it was the wrong someone. and even though it was wrong and you broke it off you kept going back. what makes you think that even if you should find someone who says he loves you that you won't make the same flawed choice as before?"
i want to trust and i want to believe but things don't seem to work out
and as much as i like you and want to believe that we have a real friendship
in all honesty i'm just waiting for the shoe to drop and all the things i've feared to be true
and certainly being this doubt-filled person only convinces me more that i will keep losing relationships that are important to me because who really wants to be with someone like that
these same thoughts and so many more of them are what every night of my life has been like for the past couple of months
and i think back to the many other times over the course of my life these same thoughts have filled so many hours
it just gets to be too much
i don't understand why having a simple desire like wanting to be loved by the right person is so difficult to have happen in my life.
so enough jabbering from me in this one-sided conversation. you've likely fallen asleep and i should likely try to do the same.
even though i know it likely will be yet another night of broken sleep patterns in which i awake far too soon to the same fear and doubt filled thoughts
as i said earlier tonight i'm really scared
ok enough. to bed. may your night and day be good ones.

then again, maybe there's a bit more

nothing major to share today other than a song that pretty much describes how i've been feeling over the past few nights. it's still tough going, but i am still going.

harder to breathe - maroon 5

i think this may be all for awhile

maybe it's the busy day. maybe it's my lingering and at times deepening depression. maybe it's the lack of sleep i got. maybe it's the fact that my life seems to be stuck in the same rut. maybe i'm just burnt out on writing about how much i'm hurting and yet that's the reality that consumes much of my non-working hours (and even at times in the work setting as well). whatever the cause is, the fact remains that i seem to be all out of things to share.

i'm not sure if this is a situation that is isolated to today or if it will turn into another lengthy hiatus from writing in this blog. it's funny, previous breaks have usually resulted from a positive turn of events in my life. sadly, if such a break should occur, it won't be because i'm living anything near a bliss filled existence.

whatever happens, i do want to thank you, who have stopped in and shared even a bit of this life's journey with me, for your engagement in this blog. it's my sincere hope that maybe something you've read here has been of help or encouragement to you. all the best to you, now and always.

cloudy and overcast

today's title describes both how the day has started weather wise and the state of my mood. it's probably apparent from yesterday's entry that the weekend ended on a difficult note. the day was hard, the evening even worse. i was already struggling, but toward the end of the evening, i had an online dialogue that created a rupture in my heart, resurrecting long-held doubts about myself. i'm slowly recovering but i'm finding a dull ache still prevails.

i shared a thought last night that i'm going to repeat here. in a moment of reflection on the perversity that sometimes occurs in life, i was recalling the concern that my mother shared with me about the results of my "lifestyle choice." "don't you believe in hell?" she asked with incredulity. my belief notwithstanding, it is definitely a sobering realization that your own mother believes that based on who you love, a place of eternal damnation may be your final destination. the thought that came to me and i shared last evening was that the saddest part is her not realizing how it feels like so much of my life has been such a challenge already that predicting such an end seems like truly cruel and unusual punishment.

last night also further clarified for me the perplexing question of "why in the world did i go back to michael following the previous times we broke up?" i've reflected on the reasons here before, but last night i came into keen awareness of the reality that having something, even if it is deeply, intrinsically flawed, at least for a time, seems like the better option when facing the possibility of having nothing at all.

at the risk of mixing metaphors, as each day passes, the more i feel i am journeying into a deep, dark forest from which there is no discernible way out. i keep trying to move forward but a heavy heart is a particularly difficult burden to carry on such a trek. and, whenever i look up to get some bearing, there again are those looming dark clouds, letting in no sun by day or stars at night to guide me from this place and toward the destination i continue to long for -- a home with someone i love.

another walk, more tears, more songs

just back from another long walk. a beautiful day weather wise, but a dark and stormy interior landscape. the best of barry manilow was the soundtrack accompaniment. many more tears shed for, to borrow from lyrics of another song recently posted (and much listened to over the past few weeks), "a life that never was and a love that (it seems) i'll never have." several songs spoke to me. here are two for now that speak of the perspective of a future self that i hope will be but continue to struggle with believing that time will ever come to pass. for now, it's time for a hot shower, climbing into my jammies, and taking a long nap.

all the time

ready to take a chance again

both songs performed by barry manilow