my little voice

i have a little voice that speaks inside my head. he feeds on conflict. interpersonal conflict is his favorite meal. he uses the nourishment to wage relentless warfare on my soul. would you like to hear a sampling of the things he says to me? 

you are a fool to believe that you can really trust anyone.

these people care nothing about you.

your life is empty.

you will never find love.

you will always be alone.

being little he can find his way into the deepest most vulnerable places in my heart from which to strike. he claims to know me better than anyone. to see me more clearly than even i can see myself. 

i do my best to fight him, but tonight he is winning.

lunatic

it's difficult when people react to you like you're crazy. when expressions of concern or worry get translated as badgering and harassing. when all you're trying to say is "i care about you and want you to be well," and yet all that seems to be heard is "you've not met my expectations" (no matter how sincerely felt the former and far from the truth the latter might be). 

it's tough to wear your heart on your sleeve when all the world seems to want to do is hand you a handkerchief with a "hey you've got a spot there you might want to wipe out." i'm not made for this world. no matter how i try to connect i seem to keep missing. 

yeah, it is difficult when people think you're a lunatic. it's even worse when you start to think that maybe they're right. 

mates?

i'm worried about someone. perhaps needlessly so. still, in my greatly sleep deprived state, i imagine the worst of things. i wonder why no contact and what could have been the cause. i wonder if i will never hear from the person again, and it saddens me to think that might be the case. and this is a person that i've only known a short time.

i'm weary and weepy from all that has transpired in 48 hours. still, given what appears to be the ephemeral nature of online relationships, i wonder if it is safe or healthy for someone like me, who, admittedly, has abandonment issues, to get so involved. i just have difficulty feeling that just because i don't see someone every day or even in the flesh, that makes them any less of a person, any less real. and if they are a real person then they feel and i care about their well being. i just don't know.

he said one time that we were mates. i hope this is true. 

flood

the weather here has been pretty spectacular. though it's gotten pretty hot, it has also been wonderfully sunny, and i'm not sure if i've ever seen bluer skies. something that has also been interesting though is, on a couple of days, storm clouds have formed in the afternoons, producing torrential rain and lightning that has been equally as awe-inspiring.

my mood lately has been very much like the weather here. i can be in the best of moods and then a remark here, a comment there, and i hear thunder on the horizon.

today would be a perfect example. after a pretty successful day, i awoke in a mood as brilliantly bright as the sunny, cloudless sky outside my window. then i came across a comment on my blog that remarked about my needing a dog to help with my moods. 

now, the comment was perfectly innocent and meant in good humor. but that doesn't help the fact that i'm still not past the death of nicholas. he was my first and really only dog and was the only being in this world for whom i had pure, unadulterated love. he died too young of a disorder that i don't understand and it hurts as much to think about his death as any other one i've ever experienced in my life. 

sunny skies gave way too darkening clouds. and now, there's a a cascade of rain stemming from my heart and a flood pouring through my soul.

enough gloom (for now)

brighter than the sun

and there are limitations

consider this entry a rejoinder to the first one on monday. while i still maintain there is much to be lauded about interacting with others, there still exists the potential for disappointment that can cloud even the sunniest relationship. people are in different places at different times in their lives. we bring into each encounter so much of what we've previously experienced with others. we can infer significant meaning in even the slightest remark or withdrawal. 

a priest once shared with me that the reason relationships can be difficult is that human beings are made in the image of god. from this vantage point, god is mystery. therefore, knowing people is always going to be a challenging proposition. the more i live, the more i see the wisdom of this insight. but knowing wisdom and letting it steer your heart are two different propositions all together.

when will i learn?

i seem to be prone to repeatedly making the same mistakes. it's difficult to see a way forward when you feel like you keep ending up in the same places you've been.

love and life

admittedly, i am somewhat of a recluse (though i prefer the term homebody). i tend to think my need for engagement with other people is pretty minimal. that is until i am reminded of some of the special gifts that human interaction can provide.

as recounted in more than a few recent entries, i've been busily engaged in an online community in which chat rooms are one of the components. now, i have to admit that i tend to participate in this aspect of this particular site more fully than most of the members, i.e., i tend to use complete sentences to express actual thoughts. still i've managed to find at least a few other kindred souls with whom to while away the time. 

in recent conversations with two of them, i've found myself exploring some of the complexities of life and particularly love. and this is where i've been reminded of one of those "special gifts." sharing who we are with people is a sacred and privileged experience that needs to be cherished. it's also during these times that i've found one can come to realize aspects of one's self that either you didn't realize was there or thought might have been lost. such was the case for me in these conversations.

as i read some pretty somber commentary on love from both individuals, i found myself responding that a love relationship was still important to me and that despite what may seem like evidence of its futility, it was still something that i deeply desired for myself and for them. it's from that revelation that somewhere still inside of me is the belief that i have not given up on having that special love in my life that i recognized another reality about myself. 

i think that my own despondency about finding love is not based on doubt but fear. it's not that i don't believe love is important or special or even possible. it's i'm afraid that i might have missed out on my opportunity to experience it fully in my life. and if so what does that mean for the character of the rest of my life? in all honesty i'm not quite yet sure how helpful this new awareness is going to be, but when i think about fear and love, i am reminded of a favorite bit of scripture (hey, my formal faith practice may be on hiatus, but that doesn't mean that i still can't be informed by it). it's 1 John 4:18 and states, 

"there is no fear in love. but perfect love casts out all fear . . . ." 

now, i know i'm not holding out for perfect love. i'll settle for really darn great!

added note: i'm listening to a jason mraz cd, and, ironically enough, this song came on as i got to the perfect love part. if asked to describe "perfect love" it would be a great response. have a listen (and speaking of perfect love, jason, if you decide that marriage, and being straight for that matter, are not your thing after all, please give me a call).

lucky