now it's time to say goodbye

so my time as a resident of massachusetts is rapidly dwindling. this morning i met with a representative from the moving company to do a survey of the items that need to be packed and moved. over the last few hours, i've packed and carried six boxes from my office to the car. later tonight is the first of four goodbye dinners/receptions that i will have with friends and coworkers over the next week, having also had a dinner with another friend/colleague and her husband last sunday. i think it's beginning to sink in that this all is happening and that i actually am relocating.

i am really grateful for the well wishes and goodbyes and will do my best to savor the experiences, still, there is a part of me that wishes i was already on the other side of this process -- like way on the other side, settled in the new job, settled in my new home (completely furnished and functional), settled in new friendships and relationships. now considering that to get to the state i just described will likely take, at the very least, six months to a year, i'm thinking i better sit back and just do my best to enjoy the ride. plus, as i get older, i'm recognizing that wanting time to pass by quickly is not necessarily such a good thing, what with the human mortality thing and all.

goodbyes, even highly anticipated ones, are not easy -- at least not for me. closing the door on the familiar and moving out into the unknown seems to require a level of enthusiasm and eagerness that at times i wonder if i'm still able to muster sufficiently. i think it's for that reason that i've been going through the last few weeks with one thought in mind, "i really hope this is my last big move for awhile." we'll just have to wait and see on that one.

you're already there

i heard this song while i was driving around running errands on saturday. it was one of those moments when the music is just playing in the background while you're thinking of a million things you need to get done, and then, all of a sudden, you hear the lyrics and it's like your heart and mind know that it is song that you needed to hear at that moment. that moment actually happened not long after i had read the email from my ex michael, sharing that he was now in a relationship.

i have to admit that this song actually resides more in the hope than belief category right now -- a wishing it to be true rather than a certainty that it is. still, it's a beautiful song that deserves to be heard. sorry this particular video has some sound issues (people talking in the background mostly), but i chose this version because it was a replay of this broadcasted performance that i heard on saturday. i'm also going to post the lyrics just in case you can't make out everything.

who knows, maybe just maybe, that someone will read this and hear it.

you're already there

You're Already There - Hugh Panaro, Broadway's Fabulous Phantoms

(Music and lyrics by David Friedman)

Trying to sleep, alone in my bed,
Thoughts of the future go 'round in my head.
How will I find a love of my own,
A love of the kind that I've never known?

Don't know where I'm going,
Don't know what to do,
But I take comfort knowing that,
Right here and now,
You're out in the world, searching for me, too.

You're already there, waiting for me,
Wondering where in the world I could be.
You go through your day,
Dreaming your dream,
Afraid that it might not come true,
While I'm lying here,
Dreaming of you.


You're far, far away
Or just down the street.
But, surely, someday,
We are destined to meet.
I know in my heart you're coming to me.
I don't need to know when or where.
I'll just turn and, one day,
You'll be there.

And, maybe, we will know
At the first word, at the first glance.
Or, maybe, we'll go slow,
Start out as friends, but in the end,
A love to last a lifetime will grow.
And that will be our story.
I can't wait to live our story.

So, now, go to sleep and I'll do the same,
Knowing your heart though I don't know your name.
I trust in a plan much higher than me
To bring us together in time.


So, until you appear, I'll picture you clear,
Remove all the doubt and let go of the fear
And know that the future is fine.

You're already there,
Waiting for me.
So, in a funny way,
You're already mine.

letting go

i think i might have control issues. as the dates of the calendar seem to be flipping by with ever increasing speed, i sit here with no sense yet of where i will be living and when my belongings will be arriving to join me (wherever that may be). these are two issues that are in the hands of the relocation firm that i was just put in contact with last week. on friday i was assured that the corporate housing people would be in touch with me to let me know my options for temporary housing (all i will have to do upon making a selection is pick up the keys i was informed by my account manager) and get contacted by the movers to make arrangements for them to do an inventory of what i will be moving (then they will come pack everything up, load it, store it until i find a permanent place of residence, and then deliver it to that location).

it all sounds very easy and efficient, except for the fact that if i were doing this myself, all of those arrangements would likely have been made a couple of weeks ago. putting my life in the hands of others, particularly those with whom i'm not familiar, has always been difficult for me. now the irony of that fact is that usually when i have done so, particularly with professionals who do this type of thing for a living, i've been more than fine. it's only when i've put matters in the hands of those that i do know well and trust that disappointments inevitably seem to happen. still, i've managed to stir up a fair amount of anxiety in this particular situation.

now what also seems to happen in these kinds of situations is that i get to this place where i recognize that there's really not much i can do but let go and trust that all will be well. some of this comes from a spiritual/faith orientation to life. some of it comes from just a practicality orientation. i have things that i need to do that i have direct control over (preparing things for the movers, arranging the transfer of utilities, cleaning out my office at work, etc.). i can choose to put my full energies into those things and let the people who are responsible for the other stuff do their jobs, or i can divide my energies by worrying about matters out of my control, which will make it that much more difficult to accomplish the things that are my responsibility and leave me stressed and miserable as well.

this morning it feels like i've reached that place of letting go. my breathing seems to be more even, and i don't have that jittery feeling in the pit of my stomach. i do feel better and that i am going to be able to get everything done and all will fall nicely into place. it's a good feeling. still, i wouldn't mind if the corporate housing and movers got in touch with me today.

complements

it's been a few days since i last jotted something in this blog. in all honesty, i've really struggled with how to craft this particular entry. i had a particular subject in mind for awhile that was related to a revelatory moment i had getting ready for work a few days ago. but then i found out some information that kind of unnerved me and seemed to shove any learning that i received from my epiphany to the back of my mind. so i guess the way to proceed is to take a kind of that was then, this is now approach.

first the then. as i indicated at the beginning of this writing, i was getting ready for work a few days ago and stepping over the various pieces of debris strewn across the floor -- the results of my preparing for my impending move. Dodging piles of papers, clothes, and books got me to thinking about the enormity of the move, and how, when i first knew about the possibility of my needing to move, the scenario was much different. then i was with michael, and i thought that he would be very much a part of the picture when i relocated. now, i'm not and he isn't. i started to then drift into daydream mode and began imagining how the current circumstance would be playing out if michael and i were still together.

interestingly enough though, my subconscious wasn't in the mood to play let's pretend in the mode of waxing rhapsodic, displaying hazy, sepia toned pictures of a couple in love. instead, i got a starkly clear picture of the likely reality, that being michael complaining about my not relocating to our home in st. louis but heading out west instead. as the scene continued, he kept asking when i would be leaving the new not yet started job and how often i would be visiting him, insisting that flying home every weekend would be his preference. i could plainly see his pouting face as if it were literally right in front of me. all of this was happening while i was frantically preparing for the arrival of the movers with him lifting nary a finger to assist me.

this daydream (more like a daymare really) had the affect of an ice cold glass of water being thrown in my face. suddenly i realized, all the other (valid) complications about our relationship aside, the reason michael and i weren't and couldn't be together came down to one simple fact (btw, those last three words were going to be the original title of this blog). we are in very different places in our lives, and because of that, our lives simply don't fit together anymore. trying to fulfill michael's expectations of me as his partner would not allow me to do and be the person i want to be in life and (to some extent) vice versa. it's neither good or bad. it's just what is. i've had similar realizations to this one, but this time recognizing this truth drove to a place deep in my heart and brought about a sense of closure and peace. 

at least i thought it did until i got an email from michael this weekend in response to my letting him know that i'd planned on dropping by the st. louis house to pick up a few personal items. buried in that email was this little nugget:

if you have followed [facebook], you know that i am presently dating someone, and it is going well.  that should give you some confidence that seeing you would be just a nice conversation between friends.

and with that bit of news came the second encounter between my face and that glass of ice cold water. i was caught with many mixed emotions. one is the irony of the fact that the entire time i was going through feelings of missing michael, he was involved with someone else. there's also the fact that, while i actually am happy for him, it seems somehow (and i recognize this is not a mature feeling) unfair that he gets to find love before i do. however at the heart of both of these feelings is the fact that neither have anything to do with michael, but rather they are about, on one hand, what i hope to have and on the other, fear i won't -- a loving relationship of my own.

so i guess these experiences are more complementary than i thought. both have brought some clarity as to what has been happening in my life. but to be honest, when it comes to complements,  ultimately (to quote that great lyric from "la vie boheme" in the musical rent) i'm looking for someone whose "baggage goes with mine."