the key

i've been going through another difficult period. every night, i have a pretty intense depressive episode -- not as strong as what i experienced during my most recent two year depressive state, but certainly the most intense since that period. the thoughts that run through my mind are consistently about the sense of loneliness that continues to be a palpable presence in my life and does not seem it will ever end.

the intensity factor has been turned up by my most recent "encounters" with sean. the trend of our interactions being few and far between continues. the last substantive online conversation we had was about three months ago, and it paled in comparison to the kinds of chats we had in the first couple of years of our friendship.

each contact has essentially been a variation on the same theme. he begins with what feels like a perfunctory, "sorry i've been away" and then a cursory he's been busy. recognize these responses tend to come a few weeks after my own messages of how i hope he's doing well or am concerned if he's doing well often with my sharing some experience that i've just had. sometimes i even admit that i miss him.

his most recent contact came after i had shared some songs that had great meaning for me. it's something that we used to do with one another, and i still choose to believe it's something we've both enjoyed over the course of our knowing one another. for me it's an opening of my heart to share how i'm feeling at that particular moment in time.

i wrote and shared over the course of a couple of weeks. during that time i got one "sorry i've been away" message and then another that also said that he'd been "very introspective" and "withdrawn" and it wasn't "anything you can take personally." and i snapped. i wrote back several lines of how i did take it personally and the reasons why. i even shared that this was the second year he had not acknowledged my birthday even though i had mentioned something i did on my birthday during one of the messages i had sent.

i wrote this message tuesday. he has not responded though i suspect he has been online since. not even a "sorry i missed your birthday."

i miss feeling good about this friendship. instead thinking of it has become like a key to the door behind which lies the deep pain of feeling inadequate and worthless. and once that door has been unlocked, it feels as if i am flooded with a sadness and despair that goes bone-deep.

in those evening hours before going to bed, i have moments where i think about how many times i've felt this way about this and other relationships.

i think about how these recurring thoughts are like living with a chronic disease.

i think about how it's a disease that may someday either drive me mad or kill me.

i think about someone, who i thought was my friend, that doesn't seem to care about any of this, and the key unlocks, and the door swings wide open.