cracking up

i'm not sure if it's my not feeling well, the busy week, the mountain of impending work, the break up, the lingering depression or perhaps a combination of all of the above but i feel worn down to the rawest emotional nerve. just thinking about doing anything beyond getting out of this bed is putting me on the verge of tears. everything just seems hopeless. frankly, i feel like i'm going a bit crazy. and i really just don't know how i'm going to get beyond this state.

sick and tired ... literally

it appears i have a case of cold/flu. i always get the symptoms confused so i can't distinguish which it is but all in all i feel crummy. on top of that i had the fun journey back home which door to door is like a six to seven hour trip. fortunately, even with not so great weather, there were no flight delays (my heart sank when i woke up this morning and saw snow pouring out of the sky). still it was a long trip to make when not feeling well.

i had a quick meal and bath as soon as i got home and now i'm under the covers about to take some nyquil and get some sleep. i have to admit though, for whatever reason, being sick has heightened my feelings of aloneness. i wish they made a medication that could help with that.

staggering along

this has not been a very good week. i'm more tired and disoriented than usual. my normal pattern of being basically coherent and focused during the day and then sad and listless at night has been disrupted in such a way that i found myself quite tired and disoriented when i woke up today, so much so that i seriously debated whether i should even come into work today.

i can only speculate that my sad state of affairs is tied to the fact that i am out of town on business. as a result, my nighttime emotional episodes are happening away from my normal routine and comfortable surroundings. it reminds me of the situation that exists with michael's mother who is suffering with the onset of dementia. what michael has learned from his mother's doctor is that individuals who suffer from dementia do better when they are in a place that is familar to them and their standard living pattern can be maintained. take them out of that and the dementia becomes much more acute.

i'm wondering if the same dyanmic applies to depression as well. i do know for sure that normally after day three of an out of town trip, i'm ready to go home. well, we're on day five and with the added challenge of arriving in a depressed emotional state, the need to get out of this place is exponentially more acute. and the toll it's taken on me is palpable.

i think it's going to be a short day here at work for me. a couple more meetings and then it's back to the hotel for some sleep. i'm hopeful that the upcoming three day weekend will help in reversing the effects of this trip. until then i'll just stagger along through the day, hopeful that i don't do any damage to myself or others.

i can't even figure out what to title this entry

something's wrong. i'm not myself. i'm not reacting the way i normally do. it started last night with my not connecting to the music that i was listening to. today i was extremely tired. tonight i can't seem to put together a coherent thought. and all i keep thinking is how i wish i could go home but not home as in a literal place but rather "home" as that ideal of the place where you feel safe, secure and loved. i don't know where that place is or even more so if that place will ever exist again for me. is it possible my daily emotional struggle is somehow impairing my normal brain function? more importantly, how long will it last?

it figures

and with the advent of this day i go from one age declaration to another. it's interesting how that works. and pretty much as predicted, this birthday, the last of my fourth decade, was not what i would call a happy one. and with every declaration of that simple wish extended to me by quite a few well-wishers i thought about how far from happy i am.

and then with only the kind of impeccable timing that seems to have characterized our life together, michael reaches out to share that he is speaking to an attorney tomorrow about the dissolution of our civil union. there was no mention of my birthday, so i'm uncertain if he somehow thought this was an appropriate gift or not. i'm not certain either, but i do know that perhaps another day would have been  better for receiving a reminder that i'm a failure at love. i guess he couldn't wait until valentine's day.

it's only been six weeks

a couple of online chats this afternoon reminded me of the statement that is the title of this blog entry. i made it during a conversation i was having with my boss and a work colleague recently. it was at the end of a meeting where we had mapped out the plan for communicating the purpose and scope of the reorganization of our operating unit. so as tends to happen at the close of a meeting at the close of a work day, the conversation turned from professional to personal. the work colleague was sharing that, two years on from her divorce, she was beginning to entertain the idea of getting out into the dating world again. with that revelation, my boss indicated something to the effect that i should probably consider doing the same. it was with this suggestion that i made the not so gentle reminder that it had only been six weeks or so since i'd broken up with michael, and i was not even remotely close to thinking about trying to find someone new. she persisted by indicating that she wasn't saying that i had to find a boyfriend, but that i should at least consider ways to put myself out there.

so how do today's chats relate to this conversation? well, it seems i'm getting to the point that i suspected would happen eventually where folks are impatient with my being sad and struggling and are just ready for me to move on with my life. today and in other recent chats, s.r. has been making similar statements about my putting myself out there -- today's chat had an analogy about fishing in it to illustrate the point. another friend, upon finding out that i was not doing well today, responded with an exasperated, "what's wrong now?"

i can't help but wonder if some of the feelings about my needing to get over it and move on have to do with the fact that i was the instigator of the break-up. kind of like, how much could i really be hurting if i'm the one that ended the relationship in the first place? i don't know. i sometimes wonder the same thing myself. i just know that i would have given anything for the relationship with michael to have worked. i would give just about anything to have love in my life. and maybe what hurts most of all is what i had to give wasn't enough and i failed to make what i most want a reality. and i'm losing my belief that it will ever happen.

and today the hurt feels more pronounced than all the days preceding. it just feels like an open, gushing wound and i have no idea how to staunch the hemorrhaging. and as i bleed out more and more my resolve diminishes exponentially. and the fact that it feels that people seem to be looking to me to be working to get better, to be better when all i feel is pain is very, very difficult. it makes me feel even more isolated and alone. and things weren't great there to begin with.

frankly, i'm scared. it's a thought i had on the plane today as i continued to struggle with my emotions and also thought about all of the work that is ahead (i even thought i would do a blog entry about it, but right now i think this mention is about all i can muster). i keep wondering how am i going to do all of this? how am i going to engage in all that needs to be done with the focus and drive that is required, feeling the way i feel (and the way i feel ain't good)? i can't keep having days like this. i really can't.

breathe no more - evanescence

the search

if someone were to ask me what it is that i want, what it is that i'm looking for with respect to this thing that i call intimate relationship, well, this pretty much captures it.

chasing cars - snow patrol