a beach vacation

a few days ago, i had another strange dream (though it seems these days adding the word "strange" to characterize my dreams is pretty redundant). it was one of the those dreams that feels so real that, while you suspect it must be a dream, you spend much of the time trying to figure out if it is or not. it started with me waking up on a beach on a lovely, warm summer day. the heat of the sun felt great on my skin; the smell and sound of the ocean were soothing, and the cool ocean breeze comforting. the strange thing was, while i was enjoying the view and it all seemed familiar, i wasn't quite sure where i was.

as i stood up and looked around me, i realized i was in santa barbara, california, a place that i had visited on vacation about this time last year. so the question of where i was had been solved. the only additional problem was i had no memory of how i'd gotten there. no recollection of planning the trip, of packing, of going to the airport, taking the plane, checking into the hotel, unpacking, or even walking out onto the beach and falling asleep. it was at that moment, i thought, "this has to be a dream," but again, it just felt so real.

"wait," i continued in my speculation, "if i don't have a hotel room key, then i know it's a dream." i reached into my bag and there was one of those electric card key folders with my hotel room key and room number. with that and the fact that i had not woken up (again), i decided to go with it.

after dropping my stuff in the room and changing clothes, i decided to take a walk around the shops in the hotel. in doing so, i ran into a colleague from work that shared he had just arrived and decided to take the same tour of the shops.

as we walked and talked, he started telling me some stories about some really negative stuff that had been happening to him at work. what he shared was pretty consistent with what i knew were the experiences of quite a few of our co-workers (including me), some of whom had already left the organization. what my colleague was sharing was even more severe than what others, including me, had experienced. as we reached a certain point in the hotel mall, he shared that he needed to be going to meet his family, that it was great to see me, and that he hoped i had a great rest of my vacation. i wished him the same and did a quick wave goodbye as he turned the corner and headed off.

as he walked away, i thought about all of the things he shared and how it just seemed to be a sign of how things were getting worse and worse at work. the company i had joined was no longer the place i worked. as much as i appreciated and respected my boss, i was questioning whether she was truly interested in making the changes that i felt were necessary to improve the performance of my own department and whether she was going to support me fully in the effort. it was at that point that i noticed my surroundings were becoming indistinct and the view was becoming increasingly blurry. at first, i panicked and wondered if i was having a stroke, then i woke up.

as i sat up in bed and pondered what the dream could possibly mean, no satisfactory answer came to mind. it wasn't until yesterday, as i was listening to the song i am posting with this entry that the meaning became clearer.

sometimes in life, we get to a place, often of some difficulty or challenge, where we look up from the pain and struggle and ask the question, "how did i get here? how did this become my life?" at times this experience can happen after we've been in a very good, very promising place, and then seemingly overnight, without any warning, the entire situation flips on its head.

for me, i recognized that, even with the particular focus in the dream centering on work, it was pretty evident that the "how did i get here?" feeling was about all the vital aspects of my life; this certainly includes work but also involves my failed relationship with michael, the challenged (and that's being euphemistic) relationship with my mother, my living in a place with no meaningful relationships and the number of friends i do have that have any sense of my life having dwindled to being able to count them with one hand with fingers left over, and lastly but, perhaps most significantly, my shattered mental and emotional state caused by my endless depression.

how did i get here? i have no idea, and i'm not sure i really care at this point. what i really want to know is how do i get out. unfortunately, the answer to that question is equally as elusive.

wonderland - taylor swift

more than this present pain

a message i need to hear more often than i can say.

joining you - alanis morissette

Dear darlin', your mom, my friend left a message
On my machine she was frantic saying you were talking crazy
That you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought I'd be a perfect resort
Because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth

And yes they're in shock they are panicked
You and your chronic them and their drama
You this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion

If we were our bodies, if we were our futures
If we were our defenses I'd be joining you
If we were our culture, if we were our leaders
If we were our denials I'd be joining you

I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping
You knew more than you thought you should know
You said, "I don't want ever to be brainwashed"

And you were mind boggling you were intense
You were uncomfortable in your own skin
You were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful

If we were our name tags, if we were our rejections
If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you
If we were our indignities, if we were our successes
If we were our emotions I'd be joining you

You and I we're like four year olds
We want to know why and how come about everything
We want to reveal ourselves at will and speak out minds

And never talk small and be intuitive
And question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
We need to find like-minded companions

If we were their condemnations, if we were their projections
If we were our paranoias I'd be joining you
If we were our incomes, if we were our obsessions
If we were our afflictions I'd be joining you

We need reflection, we need a really good memory
Feel free to call me a little more often

a father's love

i was in an online chat with a friend early this morning, and as i shared how i was feeling about life, the universe and everything, i made a statement to the effect that it's very challenging to live a life without love.  interestingly enough, i already had this entry planned.

i've shared previously that growing up i did not have any kind of relationship with my father. over the course of writing this blog (and my life in general), i've reflected on how that absence has affected me.

this brief reflection is brought to you courtesy of having heard today's song as i was getting ready to leave the house yesterday. it conveys what i believe is the ideal expression of the love of a father, however it is not the father of the young man who is singing this song.

returning to the conversation this morning, i told my friend that I wasn't sure if having love in my life would cure me of my depression, but i did think it might make the situation more bearable. sadly, it doesn't look like i'm going to experience this kind of love or any other directly in my life for the foreseeable future.

bring him home - josh groban

solitary

i know i've shared in at least few entries that every day for the past year plus starts in a pretty similar fashion. i wake up, i (eventually) get out of bed, and as i prepare for the day i battle through a gauntlet of depressed thoughts and feelings. primarily, they come in the some variation on the theme of feeling alone, unloved, unmotivated, and without hope that life will get any better.

today, as i went through this daily routine and as i particularly focused on why i could not seem to find an escape from this recurring experience, i had the thought of, "this is what it must feel like to be in prison -- to be trapped in a place that you don't want to be, knowing that your only way out is the (in many cases slim) chance of parole. in the meantime, you have to endure the same imprisoned state of being day after day after day after day.

recognizing that my prison is that of my depressed mind and that my experience has made it difficult for others to relate to me, i carried my analogy forward to the recognition that, "no, this is worse than just being in prison. it's like being in prison in solitary confinement, shut off from even those who might provide you at least some support, encouragement, or even a sense of connectedness to some aspect of the rest of humanity."

i was about to write that i imagine it must be difficult to live under such conditions. then, i remembered that i don't have to imagine it. it's my daily existence.

i think this particular perspective explains the reason why when so many people tell me to "take a break, go away to a fun, relaxing place, do something different" none of those solutions resonate with me. you see, there is no going away; i carry this prison of the mind wherever i go, and for me, these well-intended suggestions, are akin to that same solitarily confined inmate making chalk drawings on his prison wall. the confinement of depression stands secure, and most of these experiences fall flat and carry no weight to break through it.

lately, i've been sharing songs about attempting to remember better times. in many ways, it feels as if i am clawing against what feel like the increasingly impenetrable walls of this darkened cell. in doing so, all i have to show for it are fingers that are raw and bleeding or in this case a weary mind and a broken spirit.

try to remember - josh groban

disaffected

nothing at work (and in some cases beyond) is making much sense to me these days. i've lost my confidence and faith that anything that i am doing is making much of a difference. every idea i have, every plan i make is shadowed by this sense of futility. i have certainly lost most of the belief i've had that who i am and the approach i would like to take to my work has the necessary support that they need from my direct leadership let alone those even higher in the organization.

it just feels as if the very nature of this place continues to shift in a way that i can't possibly truly successfully accomplish the work for which i feel accountable. sure, i can do "stuff," but that's not the same thing as getting the right work, the most important work done and done well.

it's hard to stay engaged and motivated under these kind of circumstances. it's harder still when your entire emotional makeup not only does not support you but seems to be working against you. it's not about being able to stay positive, it's about how do i not let myself be overwhelmed by this pervasive sense that the entirety of life is a ridiculous joke and the laugh is on me.

i have never been this deeply mired in disaffection, and it is draining me of whatever bit of meaning and purpose in life that i have left (which, truth be told, ain't much). and i ask again, "why is this happening to me?"

spirits in the material world - the police  

a (very) distant memory

i know there was a time that i didn't feel the way i do now. there was a time when my days and nights were not filled with thoughts of the pain and futility of life; a time when i didn't wonder how i would make it through the next day or the one after that or why i even felt it was necessary to do so.

there was time i experienced more joy than sorrow, more light than darkness, more loving companionship than days of desolate isolation. there was a time when i felt that life was more about possibilities than disappointments, opportunities than obstacles, fulfillment than frustration.

i know there was this time, but with the prolonged and continuing amount of time i have been immersed in depression, i can't seem to remember when or where that time might have been. and i ask myself, how do you find your way back to a place for which you have lost sight of having ever been there in the first place?

i remember - sarah brightman

why can't you think of anything positive?

oftentimes of late, i think that people react to my depression and the perspectives that it yields with the question that is the title of this blog entry and the questions that are articulated in the lyrics of this song. interestingly enough, they are at times the same questions i've asked myself (even though some of the dimensions like "family," "friends," or "fortune" aren't present to any great extent in my life). unfortunately though, i've reached a place where it is really the questions in the chorus that reflect where my spirit truly lies.

is it my calling to keep on when i'm unable? i don't know, but if it is, would someone please show me how?

offer - alanis morissette

a pain so great

just prior to yesterday's starbucks incident, i had been walking through the adjacent barnes and noble, in the grips of some pretty intense emotional distress. as the psychic pain mounted and my attempts to manage it seemed to be failing, all i could think was how i wish i could just have something, anything that would take the pain away and provide me even a momentary relief.

it was at this point that i had the thought that it was no wonder that there was such a high incidence of drug and alcohol abuse among people with severe, chronic depression. the pain can be so great that i could see why people would accept any means of escape, no matter how severe or damaging it may be in the long-term. i speculated that even with a great insight into the effects of addiction (having experienced it in my partner from my previous relationship), i was still susceptible to the lures of finding relief in controlled substances. all it would take is receiving an immediate respite from the many times a day onslaught of negative thoughts and feelings, and i would be hooked.

i guess the challenging thing is that when medical science and therapy have failed you and you don't want to engage in substances that in the long-term will do more harm than good, the thoughts of taking the route of a more permanent solution as a means of escape become even more pervasive. as i stated last night, there is at least one factor that prevents me from seeking out that solution, but as each day goes by and is characterized by the same intense struggles, a bit of my resolve falls away.

something has to give soon. it will either be this pain so great or it will be me.

imaginary - evanescence