a different version

seemed to make sense to post this song as well. a different version of this morning's song done as a duet. just as lovely. just as touching.

a thousand years, pt. 2 - christina perri (featuring steve kazee)

more questions

as every day goes by, it feels as if more of my head space is filled with a singular question, "does my life really matter?"

this has been a difficult year. i've struggled with depression and felt my condition has progressively declined rather than improve. and as my condition has gotten worse, i have felt more and more misunderstood by and isolated from the world around me. treatments and prospects for treatments have only multiplied and as each fails little more of life drains out of me.

in my job i have worked harder than i think i have ever have in my time in this role and yet feel so little has been accomplished. throughout this time the pressure and stress on me has only grown and my ability to cope with it has seemed to dwindle.

in my personal life, i am down to one friend who makes any attempt to reach out and see how i am doing on a regular basis. in one of these relationships in particular i've watched as pretty much daily contact has changed into daily uncertainties when or if i will hear from this person again. one could ask the question in that particular situation, "why not make the contact yourself?", and that would be a fair question. unfortunately, i have and i am not in the condition any longer that i can reach out on a daily basis as i had for a few weeks without receiving a response. i've always struggled with the degree of worth i have to individuals, and if communications go unanswered, then i just come to feel that the other person is beginning their distancing from me and that to throw myself at them any longer is both foolish and futile.

none of these situations help me to feel particularly good about myself, hence the question with which i opened this blog entry. i mean if you struggle from a sickness that no one understands, if you see no value creation in your job, if people walk away from a relationship with you with such ease and little concern, how does one maintain a sense of worth?

strangely enough, as i began this entry, the song i am posting here came to mind. it's a love song and certainly doesn't fit the tone or spirit of this entry. maybe it came to mind because it is a song about the declaration of the worth that one individual has to another.

it would be nice to know that this kind of love and regard exists for you in this lonely world. it would be very nice indeed. if you have it. consider yourself quite blessed -- quite blessed indeed.

a thousand years - christina perri

a double negative

just was sitting on the edge of the bathtub after a long soak. toweling myself off, i thought, "i wonder if people are waiting for me to kill myself so they can stop having to think about me." then i asked myself, "do you really believe anyone is thinking about you?"

it's funny. i thought a double negative was supposed to mean a positive.

golden age - toad the wet sprocket

A decade in the wilderness
How'd we ever come to this
Took all we had to just survive
No time left for asking why

Saint Virginia saved your life
An angel and a kitchen knife
When the devil tests your will
You kill who you have to kill

God loves a madman 
But I wore his patience through
It's too much to ask of anyone
I could never be as strong as you
I could never be as strong as you

All we are is vanity
Comics playing tragedy
I traded in my sanity
For a dream that soon abandoned me

God loves a madman
But I wore his patience through
It's too much to ask of anyone
I could never be as strong as you

Walls and barricades surround our golden age
We will return again 
Some day

the answer eludes me

is there anyone out there - toad the wet sprocket

A swarm of senses, a shatterstorm
Tangled threads to weave a world
We build defenses and call them homes
Each alive, alert, alone

Is there anyone, is there anyone out there?
Is there anyone, is there anyone out there?
‘Cause I don’t know how to reach across the breach
So deep between us
Is there anyone, is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I do?

Uncertain language, imperfect words
How can we expect to speak the truth
I need you closer
I need you still
No matter how I seem to disappear from you

Is there anyone, is there anyone out there?
Is there anyone, is there anyone out there? I’m calling
I don’t know how to reach across the breach so deep between us
Is there anyone, is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I do?

The world I’ve seems no-one could ever know
The same as every other one of seven billion souls

Is there anyone, is there anyone out there?
Is there anyone, is there anyone out there? I’m calling
I don’t know how to reach across the breach so deep between us
Is there anyone, is there anyone out there?
Who feels the way I do

is it the same?

i know i'm tired of living, but is that the same as wanting to die?

the effect of stressors on a broken mind

i'm going through a bit of a challenging time. last night i was sitting on my living room sofa after a very quiet day, over the course of which, i had attempted to push through my depression and managed to complete a couple of the plethora of organizing my household tasks i had hoped to accomplish over the course of my vacation. my plan had been to relax by enjoying some pizza that had just arrived, followed by maybe a little reading while listening to some music playing softly in the background.

unfortunately, we all know what they say about the best laid plans (and my plans for the evening were not even that). just prior to sitting down, i had checked my work email on my phone (something i swore and told my co-workers i would not do but needed to do so to make sure my boss had received a particular piece of information that i had been delayed in completing. i had planned (there's that word again) on completing it over the weekend, but in the midst of the major depressive episode i was having, i had completely forgotten and found myself finishing and sending it first thing yesterday morning).

i never did find an email confirming she'd received what i sent, but what i did find was an urgent email (and text) saying she really needed to talk to me about some other information that she needed this week (information that i did not know she needed prior to departing on vacation). thinking this was something i did not really want to be dealing with, i nevertheless immediately pulled out my work laptop and over the course of the next 30 minutes or so, i gathered the information into an email (wolfing down pizza between keystrokes) and sent it off with a note that if she still needed to speak with me to please let me know and that i would keep my phone on just in case.

and so with that behind me, i return back to the moment with which i introduced this blog entry. i sat down on my living room sofa after a very quiet day. there was music softly playing in the background but my ability to do anything more than just stare straight ahead seemed to be gone. it was as if something had broken in my mind and more darkness just enveloped me and i wept for a bit.

i thought about the words of my doctor the week prior as he shared his concern about what additional stressors could do to me in my depressed state. the unexpected being dragged back into work would normally be a minor issue under different circumstances, but the circumstances aren't different and the seeming fragility of my mental state came back into sharp focus. i sat there in the dark wondering if i would ever be well again and questioning how could i ever return to a work environment that is so challenging and has filled my heart with so much disappointment over the past year.

i sat there for a bit longer and shed a few more tears. i got up, climbed the stairs to my bedroom and thought maybe some sleep would help. i've thought that on so many nights and it hasn't really. and given my state this morning, it failed to do so again.

so here's a song from way back in the day that speaks to a level of optimism i do not have but desperately need.

ooh child - the five stairsteps

why do i keep trying?

it keeps happening. conversations that only serve to prove that no one understands me. i'm not sure if i even understand me anymore. as the days go by, all i can think of is how much i want the pain to just stop. pain in my head, pain in my heart, the pain of life. why can't it all just stop? i keep trying but why? hoping for a better tomorrow that never comes.

the cruelties of life

one of the great cruelties of life (at least my life) is that when you need people around you most, it seems that no one is there. i've spent much of the weekend crying over this fact, so much so that it seems that every time i look in the mirror, my eyes are red and puffy.

i think the big trigger to this reaction has been the fact that i've shared my news from the doctor with the friends with whom i am in most regular contact. save one person, the reaction has been barely discernible. in fact, with one friend in particular there, has been only silence. i think that one has hurt the most.

i should state that this is not meant to be an indictment against any of these people. life gets busy and messy at times. people have matters in their own they have to address.

what little that is left of the rational side of me understands and accepts that. unfortunately, that voice is drowned about by the more dominant voices in my head (my twin demons of doubt and despair as i've called them before). Here is some of the running commentary they've been having in my head:

see, no one cares about you; you're an insignificant afterthought in their lives (if that much).

you're making a fool of yourself chasing after their attention with your silly blog songs of the day and the like. no one gives a shit about what you think or how you feel.

this is the first sign of them walking away and leaving you alone; you know it's what always happens with guys you want as friends.

it's your depression that is driving them off; who wants to deal with someone broken like you?

things aren't going to get any better you know; in fact your condition is getting worse, and no one will ever want to have a relationship with you - ever.

everything in your life is failing - work, relationships with family and friends, your mental health -everything!

why do you keep continuing on with your life when you know nothing you do is going to make any difference?

you are going to die alone and your life will have not meant much to anyone.

it's this last question that seems to continue to roll around in my head more and more as the days pass by and it affects everything i do. i have trouble cleaning the house or completing the myriad of organizing projects i need to do. i try to sit down to read a book or watch a movie and can't even open the cover or load the dvd in the player. i can't even seem to read a comic or a magazine. i have tons of boxes of things i've bought recently lying around the house unopened.

nothing is happening because i keep being haunted by the thought, "what's the point?" (in fact, i had trouble even sitting down to write this entry for this very reason). i've lost the plot of my life and i can't seem to get it back. this is the cruelty of life with chronic depression.

i have no idea how many times i've posted this song, but here's one more. even though it's not raining it seems to be the right song to play. i think it speaks to both how i'm feeling (sometimes i'd like to quit, nothing ever seems to fit) and the resolution i wish i could have but feel is lacking (it would be nice to know somebody loves me).

what is the point of all of this thing called life really? i'm not sure i've ever known.

rainy days and mondays - carpenters