emotional minefields, epilogue

[note: if you haven't read the previous entry, you need to go ahead and do so or this won't make much sense.]

so i am awake after an evening of unexpected events. i'm getting ready to head south for my memorial day visit with friends, but i did want to capture my thoughts upon awakening this morn. of course, there is the disappointment. i'm not sure what's going to happen with this evening's phone call, but i'm pretty sure the trajectory of where this relationship was heading has changed. we may be able to salvage a good friendship from this, but it would be difficult for me to imagine much more. the chief reason is that i sense that my friend is harboring a lot of anger, and as i will share with him tonight, i've learned from my relationship with my ex that i don't do anger well, particularly when it comes seemingly out of nowhere. he has some issues that he needs to resolve and, clearly, so do i. 

my chief concern is how do i not let my fatalistic side that emerges after something like this happens take over? how do i prevent myself from taking up the perspective that the love i desire is never going to be a part of my life? it's hard to keep the faith in the face of what can seem like mounting evidence.

still, as disappointing as this all may be, i am grateful that it happened. it woke me up to the reality of the situation from whatever revelry i had fallen into. life is not a fairy tale, even if you happen to be one.

emotional minefields

just got done with my first phone conversation with my new friend. it did not happen as i imagined it would. it appears that i did something that angered him in online chat, so he immediately vented to me at the beginning of the conversation. i was completely thrown off balance and never recovered.

you see my friend has a somewhat complex history with his father. the comment i made reminded him of something his father would say and as you can gather it was not something he reacted to favorably. the comment was not meant in the way he took it, and he realizes that, but the reaction was still set off. he actually was very apologetic about his reaction, but the funny thing is, his venting set off a strong emotional reaction in me. 

suddenly i was back in my house in st. louis, hearing michael having an emotional outburst that was out of proportion to the issue at hand. there was alot of that in my last relationship and it was awful. it doesn't help that with the exception of the southern accent, my friend has the same speech patterns as michael. it was literally like listening to a southern version of my ex.

we talked through alot of this, and i explained that i was so thrown i was going to need a night to just regroup. we're going to talk again tomorrow night. he asked me if this all means that this relationship is not going to work out and we should just give up now. i just reminded him of his own words that we just need to take things a step at a time and see what develops. 

i don't know. i'm really concerned about repeating mistakes from my past. with so many issues between us, i'm not sure we can have the kind of healthy relationship that i think we both need. it's a lot to ponder. it doesn't help that i think we both really like each other.

resetting the narrative

i got an email from my ex yesterday. it was just about some routine financial stuff so nothing profound except he started the email stating that he hoped i was well and that he was doing very well. now for michael to say he's doing very well is a little jarring as, in even the best of circumstances, he tends to live in a perpetual state of melancholy. my suspicion is that he's met someone. now that should not come as a surprise in that after our first break-up, i believe he had a profile up on a gay dating site within a week.

well, i have to confess that i let my curiosity get the better of me, and i went on his facebook page to investigate. now while i found some evidence that my suspicions are correct, i also discovered something that was frankly a little bothersome. in a comment on his page he was clearly establishing a narrative that indicated he was the wronged party in our break up. later on in his comments, he was sharing how his life is so much better now that he's single again.

so why is that bothersome? well, the immediate answer would be that no one likes to see themselves commented on in a way that casts you in the part of either heartbreaker or shrew. however, the deeper and more significant answer is that it made me recognize, yet again, how naive i am. i get one email from michael saying that he takes responsibility for what led to our breakup. i get another that says he still loves me. and i believed him. meanwhile, he's painting a completely different picture for friends, acquaintances and actually even the random stranger who happens to stumble on his page. and i guess i need to just accept that that's life.

and while when i began this entry a little bothered by what i read and wondering if going on his facebook page was a mistake, i think i'm ending it grateful for having taken a look and what i found. first of all, if believing that people, particularly someone i once loved, are being honest with me makes me naive, then i guess i am and i'll own that. second, knowing what i know now makes me even more convinced that our relationship ending is truly a good thing and that i can move forward into my own future guilt-free and certainly with no worries about how michael is doing. still, i think that will be my last time wandering over to that corner of the facebook universe.

role reversal

last night i had an interesting experience. during a fun online chat conversation with my new friend about significant childhood memories, there was a sudden outpouring of emotion. now what made this interesting is that i was not the one doing the outpouring. you see, to this point, i've been the neurotic one in this relationship, sharing my concerns and worries. my friend has been the rock of security and clear thought on the whole matter, so i read this sudden shift in tone in his online chat comments with an almost bemused attitude.

i will leave what he shared between us, but it was heartfelt and understandable given where he is in life today. he asked if in any way what he shared was causing me concern. i stated that no i understood where he was coming from and that it was actually nice to be the calm one for a change. i also said that we could only address what he was concerned about by trying, that i was more than willing to be the person that was with him in this journey, and that because of what he shared, which was motivated by concern for me, i knew that he was exactly the person i wanted to be with. that response seemed to calm the waters.

we then talked about how such honest outpourings seem to run counter to the advice we get, particularly as men, to just play it cool and seem if we aren't all that concerned or invested. he said that life is too short for playing those kind of games. i agreed. have i mentioned that i really like this guy?

logistics

[note: a little warning before you read any further. the musings in this blog entry will be sexual in focus, so if you either are squeamish about the whole topic or are a friend and would prefer not to know my particular thoughts on this subject, then you should probably read no further and wait until the next entry. and for those of you who saw "sexual in nature" and were intrigued, well then, likely, you're not reading this message any more and have already jumped to the main text, so i should just end this note here.]

so in the course of every adult relationship, even a fledgling one that is being conducted long distance, the topic of sex will eventually arise. this is particularly true of a relationship between two men. often, as was the case for me last night, this topic is broached with the simple question, "so what are you into?".

now, admittedly, i have no experience with heterosexual relationships and very limited experience with gay ones, but i feel fairly confident in my belief that the workings of a gay sexual relationship are a little more complex than those of a straight one. with straight relationships, the roles are, for the most part, fairly well defined. in gay ones there is a certain amount of figuring out and sometimes even negotiating that needs to take place.

there was a time when gay men would pick one role (call it top or bottom, active or passive, pitcher or catcher, etc.) and just settle into that for the rest of their sexual life. but nowadays that perspective is increasingly considered passe, and, even if you have a preference for one, there is some expectation that you will be "versatile" at times switching roles with your partner (perhaps even in the same physical encounter. for the uninitiated we in the community refer to that practice as "flip-flopping").

so with my own specific situation, i have always considered myself to be what is referred to as a "versatile top." now, in all honesty, this was almost more out of necessity than any given preference, evidenced by the fact that i can count the number of times i got to assume the other position within my eight plus year relationship on one hand with fingers left over. still, i wasn't complaining. now, as i had pretty much suspected over these past several nights of getting to know this person i'm getting to know (and yes, if you haven't picked up on it from the previous entries, let me now officially confirm that i've met someone new who i like and he likes me and we're seeing where that leads), if our relationship progresses to where we both have shared we hope it progresses, i am going to have to develop a new set of skills, if you will, and get ready to go from "versatile top" to what i'm assuming will be at best "versatile bottom."

so how does that make me feel? well again, i'm certainly not complaining because this guy is so getting into my head and heart that i'd likely stand on my head while juggling to be with him. plus i've had a certain hankering to flip over, so this all fits nicely (no pun intended). in fact the more immediate concern is just getting in the same physical space with each other, but we're working on that as well. more to come at a later date (wow, this message is filled with all kinds of unintentional double entendres).

simple words

"i'm crazy about you as well."

it's amazing how a few simple words can set off a calvacade of emotion, particularly when they come in response to an equally simple, but no less meaningful, declaration, "i think i'm falling for you." and the emotions -- joy, relief, fear, hope, longing -- all comingled in one fragile metaphoric vessel called the heart.

the one complicating factor is when one of the parties, namely me, has not quite mastered how to follow his heart without a certain level of doubt creeping in. it doesn't help that so much of my background is filled with teachings about how we can't trust the heart because it is "deceptive and wicked." still, trying to operate solely by rational thought and logic in a world that seems to run in contradiction to those concepts has not worked so well for me either.  

i can let my mind be filled with all kinds of thoughts about how this all should (or should not) be happening, what may go wrong, and all the factors that are working against this becoming what i hope it can become. i'm good at that. i have alot of practice at that. that comes naturally to me.

or i can follow the simple, but not as easy or accomplished practice for me, of taking it all a step at a time. as was also shared by he who seems far more assured of how to follow his heart, "it's all seemed right so far." indeed it has. indeed it has.

rainy days and mondays

and since today qualifies as both, i'm definitely in a blue mood. other than the combination referred to in the title though, i'm not sure quite why i'm feeling down. last night i had a nice, albeit brief, online chat with a new friend that yielded some very encouraging information. i don't know. maybe my mood can be attributed to the fact that i have a week ahead of me here at work filled with what i increasingly perceive as extremely mundane activities. there's not a one for which i can muster even the remotest amount of interest, let alone enthusiasm.

maybe it's that i'm still wrestling with feelings and questions stemming from my break-up with michael, brought freshly to the surface by his email on friday. relationships ending are tough, particularly when in the aftermath you are haunted with questions about your future. will something that begins in promise inevitably end in ruin? can you trust yourself to know what's right for you when you made not one but two mistakes in the past? how do you know if your feelings are genuine or if you're really just suffering from "rebound syndrome"? and on and on.

or maybe it's something as simple as my brain chemistry is a little out of whack and the citalopram just is a little slow in correcting it today.

who was it that said, "the unexamined life isn't worth living"? i guess if that's the case, then i must really be doing some living now.

love and relationship

time for another song. i was listening to this yesterday and thought, "if anyone ever wanted to know how i would define the essence of love and relationship, that definition is perfectly captured in this song." so here it is, hope you enjoy it as much as i always do.

power of two by the indigo girls