shaken

why is it that my emotional revelations most often come when i'm driving? today i was coming back from a shopping jaunt, and as i was rounding a corner, i started to reflect on all that is (actually that is not) happening in my life. thinking about the slow progress of the new job coming into fruition led to questioning about where exactly my life was headed led to a real despair of happiness ever finding its way into my life. it was then that i realized that all the endings and loss of the past year and a half have really rattled me. it's almost like whatever part of me that harbors hope and trust has been shaken free from its moorings and is now drifting aimlessly somewhere inside me. i'm not sure how and if it will find its way back to a secure place in my heart. thinking about such things when driving is pretty perilous. i'm surprised i didn't head straight into the nearest ditch.

a non-negotiable

i've been spending quite a bit of time lately pondering how nice it would be to meet that special guy. this contrasts greatly with the last time i broke up with my ex. at that time the mere thought of being in another relationship made me break into a cold sweat. i'm not exactly sure why the difference in reaction this time or which state I even prefer. i just know that love has been top of mind for me.

naturally, a part of this reflection has been on the attributes i'd like this individual to have (both physical and behavioral). when i think of all the various ones that have come to mind, it strikes me that there is one that trumps them all -- kindness. i'm not just referring to the way that person is with me, but really his general orientation and way of being in the world. i want to be with someone who cares about others and treats them with the reverence and consideration they deserve. a man who always attempts to look for the best in people and believes that there is worth in everyone.

for me there is nothing better than a genuinely kind person. i hope he's out there for me. i hope we find one another soon. and i hope we are able to build a long and happy life together. sigh, so many hopes.

anticipation

at my place of employment, there has been a search process going on for my once and future boss' successor as our senior vice president for the past several months. today was the last interview for the last candidate in the final round. after this point it's going to be a waiting game to see who our ceo selects. there is one internal candidate. that individual is entirely unsuitable for the role. of course, many of us are worried that he will be the one selected. 

i think if he were selected, it would say more about the condition of the organization than about the quality of the other candidates or the effectiveness of the search process. i know many individuals in our area would question whether they could remain with the organization. as much as i dread the idea, i can't help but think that if the internal candidate is selected, well then sometimes an organization gets what it deserves. it's just too bad so many people will have to suffer as a result.

wants

last night i wrote an entry that reflected the emotional pain that i was in. after i was done, i literally thought that i was in the midst of a nervous breakdown. it felt as if the world was crashing in on me, and i was coming completely undone. every fiber of my being seemed to be in agony, and i had no idea how i was going to find relief. well i ended taking two tylenol pm, and after about an hour, i got a little calmer. after about another 30 minutes, i drifted off to sleep. i hate medicating to help me sleep, but sometimes it can't be helped.

tonight there's no feeling of coming unglued. actually, for much of the night, there has been no feeling at all. i was back to just kind of being here -- just existing. but in this moment i have to admit there is a distant pain, continuing to stem from this feeling of being alone. this sense of isolation has less to do with the number of people who are or are not actively engaged in my life. i have always wrestled with this feeling of not really belonging, not really fitting in, not really being understood, accepted, wanted, loved. i've speculated in more journals about this feeling than i'd care to recall. speculation that may have yielded some revelation but never any resolution. maybe the solace i seek is not meant to be on this side of heaven.

it's so strange to me. wanting the right person to love, wanting a home that is a place of safety, security, and support, wanting a job that embraces fully what i have to offer, these don't seem like unreasonable things to desire and hope to have in one's life. and if that's the case then why are they so elusive for me?

isolation

i'm in a place where i'm feeling excruciatingly lonely. it's been a long time since i've felt this way. not since i was truly single, so that would be over 10 years ago. i am at a complete loss for what to do. i just know that i really long for someone to really share with, to really be with, to touch and love. my life feels really empty right now and i'm not sure how it will ever be full again. this is such not a good place to be. this is so not what i wanted for my life.