memorial

another difficult day. we had a memorial service for our friend and work colleague who passed away. we got to share remembrances of her life. it was lovely. there was much laughter and tears. i hope it served as a catharsis for the hundred or so folks who gathered to pay their respects.

for me, i suspect, the pain will linger for some time to come. she was a very large part of my life here in this organization, and supported me in so many ways -- not just in work but in life. we talked many times over the course of the day. she was the only person here that i shared the full extent of the emotional struggle i have been having over this very difficult year. and now she is gone, and i wonder what does that mean for my life both here at work and outside of it moving forward.

the pain is so great that it feels as if my heart will never recover. my life continues to feel as if it is becoming so quiet and so small such that it hardly seems to qualify as "life" at all. i just don't know.

loss

someone i worked very closely with died yesterday unexpectedly. we believe she was not even aware of the condition that led to her passing. it was one of those situations that the person was here one day and gone the next.

i don't deal with death very well. it's not so much about how upset i get as it is i have a hard time registering the reality and permanence of someone's passing on. i was saying to a good friend yesterday that i still have to remind myself that my grandmother is gone and she died like 14 years ago.

and as much as i recognize that this loss is not about me, it truly feels that my already lonely world has become even more isolated and colder. yesterday, i reached out to a few friends and only one was available to help me process this loss. i went to bed feeling the pain of aloneness deep in my soul.

today i came in and there have been many hugs and tears shed by those who knew and cared so much about her. she helped so many of us. she was a force of nature in how she embraced life. it all seems so unfair.

i truly hope my colleague and friend is in a better life in the hereafter with loved ones who had moved on before her and where the love and peace of god surrounds and sustains them all. she so deserves that. she will be sorely missed.