another saturday night

those of you familiar with the chorus of the sam cooke song that shares the title of this entry should have an immediate sense of the content and tone of what you are about to read (those who are not familiar, well first, shame on you and second, i'll provide a link at the end so you can make up for your woeful gap in your music education). it is indeed another saturday night. i've just pulled a healthy choice dinner out of the microwave and am sitting in the living room eating. listening to the smooth jazz channel courtesy of direct tv, and, obviously, trying to capture how i'm feeling at another moment in time in this blog.

when i look back on the day, i feel like it wasn't half bad. i ran some errands (dry cleaner, post office), got a haircut, did some fun shopping (barnes and noble, best buy, bed bath & beyond). i texted some with s.r. got in a short nap. read a bit.  no, the day wasn't half bad at all. the strange thing is as i enter the night, i'm not entirely sure that i feel the day was all that good either. looking back it feels like most of the stuff i did is what most folks would view as the stuff they have to do before they get to the more meaningful aspects of their day.

today and all the days that have transpired of late seem to be all filler no substance. activities that not only will i not remember them at the end of my life, it's unlikely that i'll remember them on the saturday a month hence. what's even sadder though is that it feels that that saturday and all of the days in between will likely be very much like this day.

what's strange about my mood is that very little about the things i do from day to day have changed, but the fact that the context within which i do them has changed is what seems to be making all the difference with respect to my degree of satisfaction about life. not too long ago i belonged to someone and someone belonged to me and the one simple fact that this is no longer the case and that i have no idea when or if it will ever be again is what keeps me anchored in deep melancholia.

i was observing a couple earlier today and thinking about how i once felt connected to other people in relationships. i realized i miss that feeling because now that i'm single again, it feels like i'm no longer part of the club. and tonight i'm realizing i miss quite a few things. i miss having someone to talk with. i miss being held. i miss someone knowing pretty much everything about me and loving me just the same.

i know that the things that weren't right in my relationship with michael outweighed and even tarnished the things that were good. funny how that truth provides little comfort on this yet another saturday night.

another saturday night - sam cooke

worn out at week's end

it has been one busy partial work week and i have to admit i'm spent. after a couple of 12 hour work days filled with presentations, discussions, and evening dinner meetings, i was able to leave work a bit early today, and following a quick stop at barnes and noble, i've spent much of the time since sleeping. now i'm waking up with that yucky feeling of fatigue combined with a runny nose, scratchy throat and a congested chest. i'm sure i'm a lovely sight to behold.

even so, with all the not so great physical stuff that is happening, i have to recognize that work has been a help to me amidst this time of loss and depression. i am fortunate to be working in a great organization with (by in large) wonderful people doing work that (most of the time) i truly enjoy. i can't say that this type of dynamic of work being a help to me during difficult periods in my life has always been the case. in fact, where my particular work situation was not itself the cause of the depression, it often exacerbated the problem as i dealt with less than desirable circumstances in the work setting.  i can't say for certain that this positive effect will continue to be the case, but for now it is, and for that i am grateful.

but now i head into another weekend and the empty hours loom before me, waiting to be filled with thoughts and concerns and fears. i'm sure my lingering sickness will only contribute to the struggle. it's not often in one's life that you look forward to monday, but right now i think that's the situation i'm in. still, i know from experience, it could be worse.

the long haul

i'm beginning to realize that in pretty much every dimension of my life, the days ahead are going to be challenging and it's likely going to be quite awhile before i feel good about much of what's occurring around me and within me. strangely enough, that realization both saddens and calms me.

i would assume that the rationale for the sadness would be pretty self-evident. after all, who really enjoys life being difficult on every front? the calming part i can only explain with an analogy.

for many years of my adult life, i used to prefer to travel by car rather than use any other mode of transportation. in fact, the longer the distance i traveled the more i preferred to drive. while others shuddered at the thought, i would take to 12-14 hour drives without hesitation. i found the drives to be enjoyable and in some ways therapeutic as it gave me time to reflect and even work through many issues i was dealing with at the time. more often than not, the time would pass by quickly, and before i knew it, i would be arriving at my destination. the strange thing is that i noticed that i was far more impatient with shorter car drives of say two to three hours than i was with the much longer travel time.

what i came to realize is that with the longer trips, i knew that they would be long and so my mind settled into a state of acceptance of that fact. the prevailing thought was, "i'll get there when i get there, so i might as well take advantage of the time by enjoying music, appreciating the view and letting myself be open to whatever revelations may come along the way." with short trips, i guess i thought that it was supposed to be a short trip and i would constantly wonder why it was taking so long to get to my destination.

and so realizing that it's going to take a long while for me to get to my desired life state puts me in the same frame of mind as the long car ride. it has me feeling that i might as well sit back, enjoy whatever good things happen, and be open to whatever revelations may come my way.

the one concerning matter is this. with the car ride, i know where i am going and i believe that eventually i will arrive at that destination eventually. when it comes to the life journey, i'm zero for two when it comes to those same factors. did i mention the part about the sadness?

the veil

over the course of the weekend, i had many a dark moment where i found myself asking, "what is the purpose of life?" as much as i tried, i struggled with feeling motivated about anything. my work, the life i led with michael, my relationship with my mother and extended family, friendships new and old all seemed to be a pointless amalgamation of activities and experiences i make the march toward the final destination of death. i'm sure the combination of illness, coping medication and being pretty much bed ridden contributed greatly to my mood, but at the same time, it seemed to be the continuation of a perspective that has been forming over the last several weeks and months.

last night (or perhaps more appropriately very early this morning) i was again struggling with these thoughts and had the image of my contemplative experience being as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, revealing the hopelessness and emptiness that really underlie this thing we call life. it was a feeling that the reality is that we are all just running around filling our lives with stuff to do until we die. there's nothing really significant or lasting. life is just meaningless filler until the end.

then later today i had a different thought but with the same veil imagery. i had just finished doing a quick bit of grocery shopping and was driving away and the thought came to me, "what if it isn't that a veil has been removed from my eyes, but rather, as a result of the sadness and depression that has come into my life from the break-up and related thoughts about my desire for and lack of intimate relationship, a veil has been placed over those same figurative eyes that is shading and hiding all that is good and true and even wonderful about the life experience?"

and at this moment i'm not sure which is true. i just know that i'm struggling and every day seems to be more challenging than the last.

worst weekend ever

when i look back on recent events, i know i will recall that this was a difficult period in life. i wonder if i will remember this specific weekend as one that was particularly difficult. funny i should have that perspective when all i've done through most of it is sleep. then again, the sleep has been a defense mechanism used to cope with the relentless onslaught of thoughts of how bleak and barren my life seems at this point and how unending that condition appears. you know life is really tough when making it through each moment feels like an accomplishment.