why?

after years of hearing this song, i'm now beginning to understand it and all i keep thinking is "why me? why now?"

lithium - evanescence

the persistent state of being unwell

as yesterday's blog entry (well if writing that contained less text than a "tweet" from the average twitter feed can be referred to as such) should have amply signified, i am not doing well this week. but the state of being unwell is not a "this week" phenomenon. it's been a persistent state for months upon months and the trend line for my state of well-being has been going downward and picking up speed. it has even gotten to the point that this activity of capturing my thoughts in this blog is feeling like a task that is beyond my capabilities to accomplish at the present time (maybe switching to twitter would indeed be the way to go?).

today i woke up feeling tired even though i had slept soundly throughout the night. i have a fairly light schedule in terms of meetings and yet that is even looking daunting. and i have a therapy session this afternoon in which i will have to recount (and thereby relive) one of the most painful weeks i've had in recent memory.

i have spent the last couple of days concerned about (and more than a bit frightened of)  the prospect of having to be admitted for inpatient psychiatric treatment (for some reason scenes from "one flew over the cuckoo's nest" and "awakenings" keep coming to mind). i'm worried about losing my standing here at work and the belief of so many people about my ability to do this job (and ones with even more accountability) well. i wonder if having to do this will be a indelible stain on my career, ruining any future prospects (kind of like the experience many of us at least here in the states will remember having as kids when teachers would threaten that any potential indiscretion would go on our "permanent record" consigning us forever to a life of ruin and dejection). and then there's the feeling that i am losing a friendship as a result of this illness and that the now medical confirmation of its seriousness will make me even less desirable to engage and drive him away for good (i certainly have now given up any hope of our meeting again face to face).

i keep hoping that maybe i will get better miraculously and such an intervention will be unnecessary. and then i think of the nights past where perceived slights from the same friend sent me spiraling downward into despair, punctuated with more than a few tears shed. i think about how even when the slights are explained the doubts and sadness still linger. i think about how even now the feelings of being lost and having doubt that my life will ever be fulfilling crowd their way into my consciousness in almost a pile on effect. and from all of that  i see that clearly "better" is not happening on my own.

unfortunately, i'm not entirely convinced that "better" will result from even more intensive treatment modalities. right now, i'm not sure that "better" or "good" or "happy" or "joy" or "peace" or "hope" or "love" or, yes,  "well" will ever be part of my vocabulary again.

as it all slips away

i have no more words.

checking the yes box

this is going to be a difficult entry to write. i've just come back from the doctor's office (actually i've really just come back from the drug store but more on that in a bit) and while i have suspected that i am not doing well, it is another matter when it's confirmed by a medical professional. i went into the appointment in one of the lowest moods i've been in in some time. i broke down a few times as we reviewed my condition and he shared his concerns and perspectives on what he feels may need to happen.

in a nutshell, my depression has progressed to a very serious level so much so that my doctor shared he was very concerned and that my mortality rate at this point is equivalent to individuals who have acute heart disease and are at risk for a severe heart attack or stroke. based on a consult he had with a psychiatrist right after my appointment, i have been prescribed a course of treatment with lithium (hence the pharmacy visit) and will need to follow up with the psychiatrist tomorrow to make an appointment for a more thorough assessment (in his phone call with me my doctor shared the psychiatrist is also very concerned and is moving things around to accommodate getting me in as soon as he can). finally, my doctor shared  that it is likely that i will have to be admitted for inpatient treatment in the near future, the sharing of which resulted in more tears. he shared the only reason why he was not calling an ambulance right at that time and having me admitted immediately is that he felt i was being honest with him about my condition to the extent that i had shared that i had suicidal thoughts. if not for that i would be sitting in a hospital emergency room right now going through intake (meanwhile, i am bound by a pledge that should things get any worse i will go to the nearest emergency room myself) .

it's funny what one thinks of when one is presented with this kind of information. i thought of my job and how this illness may derail all that i've built over my career because who would trust me to be able to manage effectively. i thought of how my mother would not be supportive of such a diagnosis, believing that such things are "of the devil" and would likely blame it on my sexual orientation and god's abandonment of me as a result. i thought, "well i guess there goes my friendship with sean because i can't imagine he will want to engage with me in this kind of condition." i thought about my desire for love and companionship and how that was now unlikely because again mental illness is not known to be high on the list of desirable characteristics for a partner. and most strangely, as i was driving home from the pharmacy, i thought about the fact that if i am admitted for inpatient treatment i'm going to have to check the yes box to that question on every medical questionnaire i complete for the rest of my life.

my doctor is such a good and kind man. he shared with me all the reasons that i should be optimistic that i will be able to get through this - i am in good health, i have no additional serious mental illness, i have no addictions to alcohol or controlled substances. and he committed himself to ensuring that he and the psychiatrist and my therapist would help me through all of this.

i would love to say that i feel encouraged but depression is not the best state from which an optimistic attitude naturally emanates. i think scared and acutely vulnerable would be a more accurate description of where i am right now. oh, and very, very, very sad. i don't imagine this will be a very good night. then again when in the world was the last time i had one of those?

hello again alice

this weekend i experienced yet another free fall down the emotional rabbit hole, resulting from a combination of borderline obsessive reflection on my failing to be a desirable friend and the almost utter failure of my antidepressant medication (i say "almost" because i am still here to be able to write this blog entry. there were a few moments that it was touch and go on that proposition). even now it feels like i'm sitting  on a precarious ledge that at any moment could give way and down further i will plummet.

i wish i could adequately describe what this experience is like. there is a feeling that one is going crazy except without the benefit of true insanity because realize people who are truly insane usually  don't think of themselves as such. if anything, they think it's the world around them that has the problem. then again, as i often fear, is this how getting to that point starts? i can't imagine anyone could remain sane with a life filled with these types of episodes, hence the reference last night of the strains this depressive episode was placing on my sanity.

in addition to the battle to stay sane, there is this feeling that people don't understand you. you wonder if, one, they blame you for what you're experiencing and, two, if they think you should just be able to pull yourself out of the situation with some positive thinking.

lastly, and in related fashion, there is this feeling of a pressure that people want you just to finally be well. now in and of itself that desire is not a bad thing, and i don't think anyone wants to be well more than the person who is experiencing the pain wrought by depression. the issue is that the process for getting well is often neither direct or expeditious no matter how much the individual and the people around him or her want it to be.

i hate being in this state. as i've shared before i hate being betrayed by my own physiology. and i hate feeling like that this is one more piece of damage that makes me undesirable and unlikely to know the companionship and love i wish to have in my life. and with that, i think i may have felt that ledge begin to shift just a bit.



   

taut

the bonds that hold me to this world and any sane perspective on it feel frighteningly taut and at the point of breaking. and when they do and i am lost will anyone know? will anyone care enough to come find me?