song for a lonely saturday night (take ... well actually i've lost count)

An' what I wouldn't give to find a soul mate
Someone else to catch this drift
An' what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred


all i really want - alanis morissette

for sean

remember that chat a few weeks ago when you shared that you felt i was placing all this pressure on you to make me happy? i don't think there is a day that has passed since in which i haven't thought about that comment and felt guilty for your feeling that way.

that is not how a friendship should be experienced with the feelings of burdens and obligations to be fulfilled. it is certainly not what i want for our friendship and i am truly sorry for having done so. it may seem silly but i feel that i have to make one more statement for both our benefits. and so, with these writings i want you (and i) to know that i release you from any responsibilities that i have placed on you for my happiness.

as i've shared before, i have been in a struggle to let this friendship become what it is meant to be. i hope with this release that can truly happen.

how i feel who i am tonight

uninvited - alanis morissette

it's a both and proposition

over the past week or so, i've become acutely aware of how problematic the dynamic of moving out of my depressed state really is. because the depression is both situational and clinical in nature it requires the dual intervention of therapy and medication to resolve. the unfortunate thing, as became explicitly obvious in my therapy session yesterday, if one element isn't working as it should then it mitigates the effectiveness of the other in achieving an overall improvement.

medication stabilizes the emotional state. therapy provides the perspective and direction to be able to move forward. another way of thinking of it is that medication provides the foundation upon which the work of therapy can be built and accomplished effectively.

with this perspective in mind, i recognize that because my medication isn't working in the way it should, i don't yet have the stable foundation with which to work from. as a result, the helpful insights and perspectives provided by my therapist are right now falling into this hole of doubt and sadness. in addition, i lack the enthusiasm or confidence to engage the work he is correct in insisting is necessary to change my life conditions. instead i look at it all as just more potential for hurt and disappointment.

so the next order of business is to get the medication and thereby the clinical side of my depression fixed. while that's the direction, reaching resolution may not be quick or easy. what many people don't realize is that there is not a lot of precision in the science of antidepressants. what i mean by that is there is a general sense of how this class of medications work on the brain, but figuring out which are the right ones to use and in what dosages for a specific individual is really an activity of trial and error. and as i've addressed before during my transition to the current medication i am using, it is not a fun process to live through by any means.

i guess the hardest part is that being in a state of severe depression does not provide a great sense of optimism about life. i delayed going into therapy because i was not convinced that it would help. now i'm in a state where, because of this initial failure in getting me on the right medication, i am starting to doubt that this side of the proposition will be resolved. it's just a pretty bleak picture all the way around right now, and i'm gonna need a win in some aspect of life soon to help me to see things any differently.

one simple plea

so yesterday began with a hurtful interaction with sean and it ended with a hurtful interaction with sean (funny how life likes to provide us with those little symmetries). i'm not sure what this means for our friendship but after only getting four hours sleep i'm not sure that i'm capable of figuring out much. this is not the best place to be in when one has a day comprised of a packed work schedule capped off by a therapy session.

i imagine we will discuss quite a bit in that session -- some topics i know will come up but there is no certainty in what direction the discussion will go from there. i do know, right now, for my part i really will only have one simple plea. please don't ask me to open my heart up to anyone else. it feels like doing so is killing me.

and the day ends as it began

in tears and a tattered heart. sorry but i don't have a song for the night. on this particular day i have neither the desire or the will for that.

the drive by

so how are you supposed to feel when someone you've so longed to develop a friendship with tells you through an early morning instant message that he has read all that you've written in the past few days about the pain you've been experiencing  and his sole comment is that he liked your songs? no "so how are you doing today?" no "i hope you feel better soon." and then makes a statement that he will return momentarily but never does.

so obviously this is me and i can tell you how i feel. devastated. so much so that as i thought about it as i was entering the elevator here at work, i could literally feel my heart ripping apart and i broke down into a crying fit the moment the doors closed (fortunately i was alone and had enough time to sort of pull myself together before they reopened).

but my heart is still rent. i have an unanswered text about the fact that there was no inquiry about my well-being. and i wonder, "what have i been doing all of these months?" and somehow i have to suck all of that in and figure out how to be a leader today when what i really want to do is just leave. everywhere. forever.

how men see me?

so earlier in the evening i heard this song and after the first lyrics i thought, "i suppose this is how men likely see me." it's a song that will be familiar to most about one man's reaction to a toxic relationship the problems of which are rooted in the brokenness of the man's partner.

its so funny, that this week was supposed to be about my claiming a vision of myself that there was nothing wrong with me and instead it has been all about feeling that i am fundamentally flawed and there is no escaping that reality for me. and now i am just mired in the feeling that i am truly done with hoping that any man will ever see me as someone worthy of investing in any kind of relationship with.

so as the dark shadows continue their nightly ritual to lay claim of my soul, making me wish for sweet oblivion, here's tonight's song.

barely breathing - duncan sheik

imagine

imagine what it would be like to wake up every day and wish that you didn't have to get out of bed.

imagine a day that felt as if every waking moment were filled with pushing away doubts about who you are and everything you want to be true -- every moment seeming to be a struggle to believe that you are worthwhile, that you are valued, that you are loved.

imagine a time when you so yearn for human connection that it seems like every second is filled with anticipation of a text, an instant message, or daydreams of what it would be like to spend time with someone special.

imagine the feeling of a sadness that is so palpable and overwhelming that it casts its shadow over everything you see and experience, causing you to question if there is any light or joy left in the world for you.

imagine how it feels to recognize that likely a good deal of the emotional pain you are experiencing is not about the situations themselves but is rather the result of your being betrayed by the chemicals in your brain.

imagine feeling that you are slowly descending into a kind of madness that will rob you of anything positive that remains in your life.

imagine having all of this trapped inside of you and feeling that no one sees you in your pain, no one hears the deafening screams of anguish that make you feel as if your head were about to explode, and no one cares what becomes of you as a result.

imagine the weariness that this kind of life experience brings to daily existence -- a fatigue that causes you at the end of each and every day to wonder how, if or even why you would want to continue living.

think about how blessed you are if what is written here is restricted to the realm of your imagination.

some of us aren't so fortunate.

failing

i've tried but it's all unraveling. and i'm too tired to fight anymore.

seemed fitting

heard this song on my walk this morning. i knew pretty immediately this was going to be the song for the evening.

tourniquet - evanescence

a precipitous decline

i think i'm getting worse. but in a time where i've felt so bad for so long i've lost my frame of reference. what does good even feel like? certainly, all the promises of things getting better with time feel empty and weightless. i suspect it may have been a mistake to change my medication or at least to have gone on this particular one. i am having way too many moments of mental anguish for this to have been the right solution.

and i feel like i'm looking at life through an increasingly cracked mental and emotional window. everything i see seems distorted and as a result i have no confidence in anything that i am feeling or experiencing. my trust in so many things has eroded. and i am exhausted from fighting to maintain a belief that my life can be anything other than this utter hell that i am in.