what do you do when you feel you have so much love in your heart that it feels as if it's about to burst, but there never seems to be anyone in your life who wants to be the recipient of that love?
no matter how much every fiber of your being wants to give yourself completely to loving, caring about, supporting, believing in and encouraging another person in a deeply intimate relationship, all that ever seems to happen is that people choose to take a pass on all that you have and want to give.
no matter how kind or generous or honest you strive to be, it's never enough.
no matter how much you may want love in your life or attempt to have it be so, it never works out.
what do you do when this is your life?
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Monday, October 26, 2015
even when you know
i had the opportunity to have a brief online chat with my friend this past weekend. he shared with me that basically the reason i have not heard from him is that he's in his own unhappy place right now. i certainly can relate to what that's like, and i tried to find out what is causing him some level of pain and concern. he wasn't in the space of wanting to open up, responding simply that it was difficult to explain.
it's at that point in the conversation that i realized and shared that this particular dynamic was a difficult one for our friendship. he has some type of struggle. it causes him to withdraw. he withdraws and i blame myself for being the reason which in turn triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. he said that the withdrawal wasn't intentional and that our friendship, from his point of view, was solid. i shared a variation on my oft-repeated phrase that while that statement might be true, it didn't feel as if it were true, but that i also understood the reason for his withdrawal. i emphasized that i would always be here for him with my door open even though he never seemed to want to walk through the door.
i do understand the reasons for the distance and lack of active engagement that has developed. as i also shared with him, i am very concerned with how he's doing. i want him to be well and happy. my heart truly aches from the thought that he is anything but. i did tell him that i wouldn't continue to attempt to intrude on his daily life, but i would check in with him from time to time to see how he is doing.
i was just running an errand and he came to mind. i thought about how maybe some semblance of the previous level of contact might return but doubted that it would. with that, the same feelings of concern about being abandoned and forgotten arose in my heart accompanied by a moment of deep sadness.
it then hit me that even when you know the reason for why a situation is happening, it doesn't necessarily make the pain or fear that it elicits go away, any less painful or any easier to manage. i think this is particularly true when you are still dealing with the ghosts of similar past experiences.
what i also realize is that whatever i'm going through, it's not my friend's problem. it's something i have to deal with on my own. actually, even though it's not his issue to deal with, it certainly would be nice to have someone here to help me find my way through it all.
it's at that point in the conversation that i realized and shared that this particular dynamic was a difficult one for our friendship. he has some type of struggle. it causes him to withdraw. he withdraws and i blame myself for being the reason which in turn triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. he said that the withdrawal wasn't intentional and that our friendship, from his point of view, was solid. i shared a variation on my oft-repeated phrase that while that statement might be true, it didn't feel as if it were true, but that i also understood the reason for his withdrawal. i emphasized that i would always be here for him with my door open even though he never seemed to want to walk through the door.
i do understand the reasons for the distance and lack of active engagement that has developed. as i also shared with him, i am very concerned with how he's doing. i want him to be well and happy. my heart truly aches from the thought that he is anything but. i did tell him that i wouldn't continue to attempt to intrude on his daily life, but i would check in with him from time to time to see how he is doing.
i was just running an errand and he came to mind. i thought about how maybe some semblance of the previous level of contact might return but doubted that it would. with that, the same feelings of concern about being abandoned and forgotten arose in my heart accompanied by a moment of deep sadness.
it then hit me that even when you know the reason for why a situation is happening, it doesn't necessarily make the pain or fear that it elicits go away, any less painful or any easier to manage. i think this is particularly true when you are still dealing with the ghosts of similar past experiences.
what i also realize is that whatever i'm going through, it's not my friend's problem. it's something i have to deal with on my own. actually, even though it's not his issue to deal with, it certainly would be nice to have someone here to help me find my way through it all.
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