the end fast approacheth

as the proverbial saying goes, "all good things must end." this extended weekend has been a very good thing, and in about an hour and a half, the last dinner and event of the convention will begin. it's the capstone event in which we will receive the long anticipated convention doll. given the other dolls  that have been created for this event, i have no doubt that she will be amazing (speaking of which i think my total tally of dolls collected from this event alone is at about a stunning 31, with the potential of two more to be added).

an added bonus of this event is that a certain celebrity designer associated with this company will be attending this last event as well. his design career started (at a very early age) with this company and he is still involved even though his main focus is now designing for real women rather than those of the plastic variety. our collecting community still claims him as our own and is very proud of his success. it's been exciting to see his career flourish in the way it has and to remember him way before he designed both inaugural gowns for our current first lady.

in year's past, toward the end of convention, i'm pretty much ready for the event to be over and to head home. this year is the rare exception where i could probably go for another day. i'm not sure that is as much a commentary on the quality of this year's event (though it has been my favorite of the five i've attended) as it is on how desperately i needed such an experience at this time. whatever the reason, suffice it to say that i am beyond grateful for this time.

one interesting moment did happen at today's lunch. i was having a conversation with a dear "dolly friend" who made a long desired relocation across the country last year. this move has placed her much closer to another good friend, and they've now had opportunities to get together every few months. hearing about an upcoming visit they are planning made me realize how much i miss having friends more directly in my life. it's a missing element, a longing really, that i've become more acutely aware of since i had the chance to visit with my childhood friend and his family a few months back.

as i've reflected upon before, moving has provided many opportunities for which i am grateful. yet with every move, particularly to areas where i don't know anyone, i have become further removed from dear old friends. the busyness of each new job has made making new friends that much more challenging. one lingering fear is that when i look back on all that my life has been and where i am that i will find myself regretting the choices i've made because i will find my life missing the one thing that really matters in life -- loving relationships with people who know you and cherish you for who you are.

i guess such reflections are as much a sign of this event ending as the rapidly approaching final dinner. let's hope that i can carry some of the life and vitality from this experience back into the "real" world. a little light and lightness will be most welcome during the lonely winter nights ahead.

the fun continues

it's the evening of day two. our third major event of the convention is about to begin in approximately 30 minutes. the one thing that stands out to me most with this year's convention is the realization of how much i needed an experience like this at this time -- a chance to step away from all the concerns and worries of life and just be in a moment of excitement and anticipation.

not that outside life hasn't creeped into my thoughts even in the midst of the euphoria of receiving a gift item or laughing with collector friends. they have, but somehow, in this environment, they haven't carried the same weight or made the same impact on my psyche. it's a wonderful respite. maybe one that will last even past this particular event.

even if it doesn't, i'm grateful for the mental/emotional break. may there be even more such moments in the next leg of my travel journey next week.

and so it begins

sitting at breakfast now (sticky buns french toast is my meal of choice today) after standing in line for a couple of hours to register and get my first set of items that i pre-purchased before the convention. while waiting in line is never a completely fun exercise, the lines at this convention are a nice opportunity to see old friends and meet new ones. such was the case today and it sets a nice tone for the days ahead.

the one single common experience that i've had across all of these events i've attended over the years is the feeling at the start of "i can't believe we're here" and at the end of "i can't believe it's already over." i can affirm that the former has happened and we shall see about the latter.

in the meantime, i need to take my loot upstairs freshen up and get ready to stand in line in about an hour as the souvenir room opens up for its first sales. a good friend wrote and asked if i was having fun. i haven't had a chance to write her back yet, but should she come across here before i do, the answer is so far, so good.

a sunny day in california

i'm sitting here on the restaurant patio of the hotel i'll be calling home for the next three days here in los angeles, california. it is a lovely, bright sunny day. nary a cloud in the sky and temps in the 70's (for me this is perfect. i suspect the locals are praying for this "cold snap" to pass). as i type i'm devouring a bread basket, sipping on a glass of my signature soft drink (ginger ale), awaiting my meal of baja fish tacos to arrive (and they just have. yum). my (albeit brief) vacation has officially begun.

i was online chatting with a friend last night and shared that i was packing for this trip. he indicated that he was jealous of my going on this jaunt. my response? "you should be." and at this moment, i'm recognizing how prescient that statement was. this is pure bliss, and the event i'm here for (the annual fashion doll collectors convention that i've attended for the last four years) doesn't get started until tomorrow. even so, this is a wonderful moment that i'm just soaking in.

still, i am aquiver with anticipation for all of the fun the convention hosts have in store for us. this is one of the big events of the fashion doll collecting universe and the company that puts it on never disappoints (as i've often described it, perhaps even in this blog, take your best birthday and your best christmas and put them together and you would have a sense of the kind of experience we have at this convention). i look forward to seeing friends from the collecting community and quite frankly all the great swag we're going to receive. i'll do my best to blog at least once during the event to share how it's going.

but now, with my meal finished, i suspect that i'll be heading back to my room to take a nice little nap and then maybe do a little exploring around the hotel. by the way, the fish tacos were just perfect.

the good kid syndrome

for pretty much all of my life i've been what can best be described as a "good kid." while that may seem a strange appellation for a man closing fairly quickly on 50, i use it because it evokes the exact impression i want to give. you know the "good kid." many of you have also been the "good kid." the one who listened to and obeyed their parents, never was late for curfew, got good grades in school, participated in extra-curricular activities, volunteered for service work, was kind to friend and stranger alike. and from there being a good kid evolved into being a reliable employee, a friendly neighbor, an engaged community member and the like.

if this is you, then you also likely have experienced what i call "good kid syndrome," which is simply the fact that even "good kids" aren't perfect, yet when this lack of perfection reared its head, and some how you failed to be all that you wanted and others expected, the reaction to your failing seemed to be much more severe than that experienced by your "not so good kid" siblings, friends, classmates, co-workers, etc. if you asked why the different treatment, the general reply was something to the affect of "because i know you can do better" or "i expect more of you than [fill in name here]."

i've been experiencing an instance of "good kid syndrome" during my time of employment in my current role. you see, i've worked for my current boss for about half of my career in three different places. i value our relationship and the trust that's been placed in me. i also have had to watch as colleagues of mine have been allowed to work at a lesser level than i am expected to work. granted, if i did work at that level, i am pretty sure i would not have had the opportunity to continue working with said boss beyond our first employment relationship.

as clear as i am about this fact, there are moments that even that is not solace enough for dealing with "good kid syndrome." today, i learned that a colleague who has continually failed at his responsibilities may be getting yet another reprieve from termination. in another instance i learned that requirements that were placed on me in hiring for a position are not being placed on another colleague. and yet with all of this and the accompanying momentary disappointment and thoughts of "that's not fair" i know by morning i will get over it and i will dutifully soldier on to do my best and be my best. that's just what "good kids" do.

not too bad

after a somewhat difficult week and weekend emotionally, i'm happy to report that today was not too bad. while i wasn't exactly dancing on table top, i spent most of the day in a calm and collected frame of mind -- no fits of anger, no crushing depression. i moved from task to task with assurance and resolve.

i share this bit of information primarily because, upon his reading my blog entry from yesterday, a chat friend suggested that i try to write about something positive every once and awhile. i assured him that when the next opportunity arose i would be sure to do so. it has and so here it is.

i would have to say though that as positive as this day was, i did have a moment or two of "really? is this really happening?" and a bit of the sadness that has been shadowing me came into view but again, in sum, the day was not too bad, not too bad at all. now let's see if we can make it two for two tomorrow.

warning! objects in mirror are closer than they appear

there are times when keeping a blog as journal can be dangerous.  how so? well, there are times when writing in this blog is not so much my commenting on something i've learned as it is some epiphany being revealed to me as i am writing.  sometimes that experience can bring peace with the revelation. often it can send me into an emotional tailspin. today was one of those instances when often trumped sometimes.

i call this experience the mirror effect. however, it's not like a picture mirror. it's more like looking in the rear view or side view mirrors of a car. i'm not examining myself as much as i'm seeing the terrain   that is around me. in doing so, i become aware of things that i've missed staring out the windshield in the pell mell rush that seems to characterize my life of late. and as the warning that is written on these mirrors often cautions, the emotional impact of what i see is far closer than i had realized, overtaking me before i've even had a chance to consciously process what exactly i've seen.

today was a rough day. there was a feeling of a profound loneliness and a silence that was almost suffocating. i managed to move through it, accomplishing things that i didn't think i had the energy or the drive to do. in fact, the whole time i was moving from task to task i kept thinking i'd rather be in bed sleeping. yet, both times i tried to do just that, i found myself up and about within 15 minutes of laying my head on the pillow.

i guess it's true that there is no rest for the weary. whether that be of body, mind, spirit or all of the above.

changes

i'm not sure if it's just me or if this is an experience of everyone at middle age, but as i've gotten older it seems that changes in my life seem fewer and farther between. i'm not referring to what i would call "external" changes, i.e., changes in jobs, homes, cars, or even relationships or physical appearance. the change i'm thinking of is really interior change -- changes in perspectives, attitudes, beliefs. changes within this domain have been much rarer of late and when they occur, it's almost as if i stumble upon them rather than being consciously aware that they have taken place.

take yesterday evening for instance. i was driving to the grocery store and passed a church. outside there was a woman dressed in a costume standing in front of a sign advertising some event called "the pumpkin patch" with said pumpkins strewn around the church grounds. she was smiling and waving and inviting people to come and take part in what i assume is some rite of fall for this particular church community. it was a very norman rockwell, hometown america setting.

normally, such scenes evoke a deep sense of warm nostalgia within me. this time i felt, well, i pretty much didn't feel anything. true, i had just finished writing yesterday's blog entry about 20 minutes before in which i reflected on my continuing depression. still, scenes like this usually result in my waxing rhapsodic on childhood memories or even fun times as an adult no matter how depressed i am. this time -- nothin. it was like my mind went to the space in my heart for that warm feeling and found it empty.

this started me thinking about how there has been a fairly recent shifting in my attitude about most holidays. there was a time when i lived for this season of halloween, thanksgiving, and christmas. in fact, during my time in st. louis, i was in full martha stewart mode -- decorating, cooking the holiday meals, baking, and gift buying consumed my calendar of activities. today the whole idea of it just makes me tired, and i wonder where did i get all of that energy and enthusiasm.

as with some changes, i'm not really happy about this particular one. true, i don't have the kind of time that i once did for holiday merrymaking, but i don't like that i don't have an interest in doing those things any more -- even if time were in abundance. there's an emotional burnout that exists that i find troubling.

i know that part of it has to do with the fact that such activities were largely solitary pursuits. once i reached my teenage years, my mother was not particularly enthused about such activities. as an adult, michael has shown little interest as well.

i think the final stake in my holiday heart has come as a result of last christmas. don't get me wrong, it was a pleasant enough affair. i didn't go as all out as i had at my peak but i did decorate the tree, prepared a nice meal (thank you whole foods), and had fun picking out gifts for michael and our dog.

flash forward to last weekend when i was visiting in st. louis. as i was about to leave for the airport, i looked in a corner of the downstairs hallway and there was the tree, sitting at the bottom of a pile with the tree skirt and some ornaments still clinging to it (you see, michael got tired of waiting for me to take the tree down). that's when i thought, "why bother?" why go to all that effort when no one seems to find it as special as i do and it all just ends up in a dirty heap in the corner?

i'm beginning to feel that way about a few things in my life right now. remember that empty space in my heart i referred to earlier? it's full now. in fact, the overflow is slowly trickling its way through the corners of my eyes.

changes. i think i'm in need of some more.