pivotal or trivial

i took a trip this past week. it is a trip that has the potential for being a pivotal moment in my life - one that could set a significant new trajectory on the course of my life’s journey. i believe it has the potential for making my life better in every dimension of who i am and aspire to be and to set me on a path of greater wholeness and fulfillment in my life.

i took a trip this past week. it is a trip the result of which could make it as unremarkable as so many that i have taken in the past and will likely embark upon in the future. a trip so trivial that i may only vaguely remember what happened over the course of it if it should even ever come to mind at all. even so, it also has the potential to do so much further damage to my sense of self and well-being that it will take me a very long time to recover.

i took a trip this past week. how it is characterized hinges on a single decision. i wait, i hope, i pray. i fear, i tremble, i hold back my tears. i try to convince myself that all will be well no matter what. i doubt that attempt at self-reassurance even before the thought has completely run itself through my consciousness.

the decision will be rendered and shared soon. watch this space.

soul impact

i mentioned in my last entry that my current job will soon be coming to a close. naturally, this means that i currently am looking for a new means of employment. also, as can be expected, such a search comes with both encouraging and discouraging moments. my current experience is certainly in alignment with said expectation, with my having affirming discussions of interest in my background and body of work and also receiving rejection notifications that have resulted in doubt and disillusionment.

upon receiving one of these rejection communications recently and subsequently falling into a (fortunately brief) depressive episode, i found myself thinking that i wished the affirming moments had as strong an impact on my soul as the ones that are non-affirming. i mean, i can receive a dozen comments that are encouraging, and i’ll feel “ok” maybe even “good.” one reaction that even comes close to being a rejection and i’m figuratively heading for the window to find a good ledge to stand on.

i’ve been through enough years of therapy to know the root of this disproportionate degree of impact. “knowing”  is a good thing i suppose. even so, knowing seems small consolation when i am going through what feels like a soul gutting that tears apart my self-esteem and any optimism for a positive future. sure, i’ve been able to gather back up the shredded pieces and regain some semblance of balance, yet part of me wonders if i’ve been able to collect all of the pieces. have some bits been lost in some corner or crevice never to be seen again? it certainly feels that way as each episode emerges. as i’ve gotten older, it seems like the distance from a sunny landscape to a dark pit of despair has gotten shorter and shorter, and the light in climbing out of the pit has been dimmer and dimmer.

as every chapter of my life’s journey closes and a new one begins, i keep hoping to have what i call the “redemptive experience” (i may have even mentioned this concept previously somewhere in the virtual pages of this blog). the term describes a kind of happening in my life that is so positive, so affirming that it pulls those lost pieces of self-esteem back into my soul, creating a new kind of wholeness that i’ve never experienced, while pushing the pains of my past into those corners and crevices where they perhaps will be remembered but no longer will be affecting.

i keep hoping for that kind of experience. the question is will it find me before there is nothing of me left of me to restore.