back into obscurity

i think i've pretty much given up. i've tried and failed to bring about the life i want, so i'm retreating back into the life i have. no matter how lonely and unsatisfying that life may be, no matter how forgotten it makes me feel, i've lost my belief that it can be any different. as a result i'm moving further and further away from the few connections i've made back into the solitary dark night of my soul.

is that a result of not wanting to be disappointed further or is it because, as i've commented before, i don't think it really matters what i try to give to a relationship, it seems not to make any difference? i'm not sure, but i do know i don't have the will to continue trying to find connection with men when it always ends in my being abandoned, left with more scars on an already damaged heart.

this perspective may change. i don't think, however, it will change because of anything i've done. the change will likely have to come because of something positive that has happened to me.

i've commented before on having this feeling that i need something extraordinary to happen in my life, and for the last three years or so that something has eluded me. it seems pretty foolish to look and hope for something that will never happen.

and so back into obscurity i go, though, come to think of it, maybe i never left.

disheartened

it's a sentiment that i've been carrying around in my soul for the past few weeks. it echoes through my psyche whenever i reflect on how i've done my best to give to various relationships over the course of my lifetime and how none of those efforts seemed to make any difference in the long-term presence of those people in my life. looking back from the present to the past, it just seems like a long string of failures.

as i think about recent disappointments and where to go from here, i feel no confidence that the future will look any different than the past.

it hurts to have this perspective that whatever good you try to bring to a relationship doesn't really matter. i've shared that perspective quite a few times in this blog. now, it has pretty much completely crushed any hopes that i've previously harbored that a meaningful, intimate relationship will ever have a sustained presence in my life. as a result, i have no motivation to even begin what i feel will ultimately be a futile attempt.

and so my life feels very quiet and small and empty. i hoped for a kind of love in my life that would bring me home. i guess no such person or place actually exists for me.