the cruelty of the subconscious

i had another dream about michael. it's not really surprising as he came up in the midst of conversation in a late night on-line chat. in the dream i was making "my stop in st. louis on the way out west" visit that i'm currently contemplating. it was pleasant and the interaction reminded me of the best days of our relationship. it was clear to me in the dream that i still had strong feelings for him and that i was maybe even a little hopeful that we could try one more time.

as i was looking around the house, i stumbled across pictures of michael with another (much younger and very attractive) man. i don't remember asking about who the guy was, but i do remember michael matter of factly sharing that it was someone with whom he had been involved over the previous months. the pictures were clear in providing the perspective that this was not some casual friendship, yet michael's demeanor was also clear that, even with this romantic involvement, he too was hopeful for another chance at our relationship.

i woke up to the alarm clock blaring headlines from npr with all of these thoughts in the air, and the reality of what is quickly erased the dream-like reverie that i had just been experiencing. it seems almost cruel the way our subconscious pulls out from the recesses of our minds these deep feelings, trots them in front of us in the form of dreams, and then leaves us with the scenes and their apparent meanings to ponder once we awake.

i don't know. it's hard to ponder what's in the head when you're weighed down by the heaviness of the heart. i'm sure there will be this and more to think about on another day. for now i will just trust that what it all means will become clearer as i move forward (not backward) in life.

two weeks

i wondered how long it would take for me to return to my previous melancholic mood post job offer. it appears my time limit is about two weeks for any emotional lift created by the receipt of good news. mind you, i'm still very grateful and very much looking forward to the new job; however, since this good news is also accompanied by a good bit of significant life changes, it is both exciting and a little scary at the same time. plus, it marks really a beginning rather than a fulfillment, so i'm approaching it all with a wait and see attitude.

i think what's also affected my mood is news from various quarters of new relationships in the offing. i had already been experiencing a certain amount of wistfulness regarding my relationship with michael that was only heightened by hearing a voice mail message that he left a few weeks ago, but i just heard for the first time yesterday. add to that hearing about people who have become smitten with another and i guess you have the recipe for a blue mood.

in a previous entry,  i believe i alluded to the  transformative power of love. i miss having that kind of love fully present and tangible in my life. i'm not entirely certain why, but there is nothing like having someone to love and knowing you are loved in return.

sometimes i feel silly admitting how important this particular aspect of living is to me, particularly when life holds no guarantees that i will have this experience again. still, i guess if i don't acknowledge it's importance, it likely would make it that much more difficult for this kind of love relationship to become a reality. or is wanting something so much what made me stay in a dysfunctional relationship for so long? or is wanting something so much what will make me stay in a future relationship even when circumstances aren't so rosy?

so many questions and uncertainties. it's at moments like these that i wish life came with an instruction manual. then again, i'm not always the best at using those anyway.