if/then

last night, i saw a wonderful show. it was a musical that explored the two different paths one woman's life took based on one simple decision. i had been intrigued by the concept from the moment i read about this show being done and so i seized on the opportunity of this trip to new york to go see it.

there are quite a few shows that i was interested in seeing, but i'm glad i chose this one. still, as much as i enjoyed it, there were also several painful moments. the scenarios and songs touched on many emotions that i have been experiencing and have explored in some detail in this blog. i could tell that this show had many messages that i needed to hear about starting over and being hopeful in the midst of heartbreak and disappointment. it was a message that i needed to hear, but unfortunately my heart is not yet ready to receive it completely.

but a seed has been planted. i have the cast recording, and i will continue to listen to these songs. hopefully, life will bring nourishing water to these seeds and they will open, take root, and help me to get to a better place.

eastward ho

so it's day five of vacation and time to take the first of my two trips planned. i'm at the airport now, awaiting my french toast that i ordered for breakfast and in about thirty minutes i will be boarding a plane bound for my favorite city in the world -- new york, ny (the city so great they named it twice). not only is it my favorite city but it is also my native soil and so a visit there feels like a visit nowhere else. it is like going on vacation and coming home all at the same time.

while i wish that i could say that i am approaching this trip with unbridled enthusiasm, i have to admit that the feelings are certainly mixed. i awoke this morning with a great heaviness of heart and on the drive here that heavy heart felt as if it were splitting open wider and wider with each mile.

there are certainly things to look forward to on this journey -- a dear and cherished friend to see, interesting people to become better acquainted with, shows, central park, maybe a museum visit. yes there is much to do and experience. and yet, there is still the disappointment of not being able to see another friend that feels as if it will be haunting my every step.

then again, perhaps i'm wrong, and the excitement and the energy of the city will sweep me up and carry me away from my sadness. maybe. still, if that's the case, why do i suddenly feel like crying into my coffee?

deeper and wider

well, it's day four of my vacation. i had so hoped that this would be a time of healing and restoration. it doesn't seem to be shaping up that way.

every passing day the emotional pain resulting from feelings of rejection and isolation is spread deeper and wider across the landscape of my heart. at the rate it seems to be metastasizing, i suspect it will have consumed my soul entirely by the end of the weekend. and when that happens, it feels as if i will join the walking dead again and that there is no amount of love in the world that will be able to restore me to life.

the wavering heart

yesterday, i wrote about my recent emotional experiences being akin to a pendulum swing between hope and despair. today i've been increasingly aware of a similar movement related metaphor and that is one of the doors of my heart vacillating between being tentatively open and firmly, fearfully closed. as with yesterday's observation, this is a condition in which i would most definitely prefer not to be, but in it i am.

my recent interactions with new people and momentary connections over interests and similar life experiences has certainly revealed to me anew my deep desire and longing for connection through relationships. at the same time, i am haunted by shadows both past and present of the pain that has resulted from opening my heart to someone new. even as i type this i am uncertain of the status of my most recently entered into friendship. there has not been much contact over the past several days and a hoped for talk on the phone tomorrow evening is in limbo with no confirmation of the proposed date or offering of a possible time yet made.

believing that all is well and that there are even better days ahead in this particular friendship and in my life in general is something with which it is apparently clear from a quick read over countless entries i am more than struggling. the dynamic of the recurring opening and closing of my heart exists in both the specific situation and how i am engaging in life in general.

people tell me that you have to risk getting hurt to experience the reward of relationship. but what happens when the hurt seems to be all you see and feel when you take that risk? how do you keep moving forward through all of that emotional pain? i just don't know.

glimpses

it's day two of vacation and over the last 48 hours i have had experiences that have given me glimpses of who i used to be when i felt whole, happy and well. i've also had moments in which these waves of sadness sweep over me and the feelings that have been so prevalent over the past several months of being broken, hopeless, and lost come together in full force.

it is more than a bit disorienting to have my emotions swinging between having a sense that maybe light is emerging in my darkened life and being discouraged and utterly convinced that life will never get better. and while there are these swings, i wish i could say they are of equal duration and amplitude. unfortunately, the moments on the positive side are far fewer and have lesser impact than the moments on the negative.

and with that, on the whole, i'm still in a period of struggle and the question becomes are the glimpses  a view of my life moving forward or the last gasps of a dying life that i will never have again?

not the greatest beginning

well it's day one of my two week vacation and i have to admit i'm not in the place mentally and emotionally that i'd like to be. i feel like my depression is running beneath the surface like a low grade fever and it continues to affect all that i am experiencing.

try as i might i to think differently i'm feeling that my friendship with sean is slipping away and that it's as a result of my failings. and this particular experience in new friendship has made me less than enthusiastic about engaging in any new relationships of any sort. i have concerns about my level of interest and engagement in work and the ability to accomplish all the objectives for which i am accountable. here on the home front, i was hoping to get some major work done on the unpacking front and have no motivation to do much of anything (it doesn't help that i've somehow hurt my lower back as well).

all in all, i'm in this space of questioning whether life is ever going to get better and i seem to have little confidence that i will be able to make it so. i'm hoping i'll be in a different place at the end of these two weeks.

lost weekends

i've had so many weekends lost to battles with depressed thoughts and insecurities. while this weekend has not been as bad as several i can think of in recent memory, it certainly would not rank as  one that i would not want to repeat.

this weekend i'm doing my best to adjust to the new dynamic in my friendship with sean. he's busy and i'm realizing the days of daily messaging and contact are behind us. and based on a recent exchange, i've felt that giving him his space makes sense. i will be honest. i'm not clear if he's annoyed and done with me and i'm concerned my pulling back will result in his moving even further away.

that may seem silly but it actually happened with my best friend from high school. the summer between our sophomore and junior years of college, it was clear that she was not particularly enjoying my company. my mother suggested i give her space and let her contact me when she was ready. i did and never heard from her again. and clearly though i've worked through some of it, it is still a situation that haunts me all these years later.

this weekend i'm doing my best to trust that this friendship is solid and that sean will re-engage as he is able. of course, there are the thoughts that he might not re-engage either at all or to any meaningful extent. and to those thoughts, i just acknowledge that there will likely be long fight to not internalize the loss of that friendship as further evidence of my damage, and it will have to be a fight i need to do my best to win. then again, i wonder exactly how much fight i have left in me.