a hint

i'm coming off a pretty good week. went to a great conference. learned quite a bit. met wonderful people and had great conversations. ate some really wonderful food and the weather was as lovely as spring gets. my new meds seem to be doing a better job at stabilizing my mood. i'm still taking my lumps at work (as experienced as recently as yesterday), but i'm managing to not be completely devastated by what i feel are the seemingly endless setbacks that keep occurring.

today was a pretty good day as well. had some nice online chats. got in a 2 hour nap. watched a fun and vibrant kylie concert video (that descriptor seems almost redundant really). had some of my favorite comfort foods today.

yet, even with all of that, there's a hint of melancholy in the air. and i can tell that it is born of actual sadness about something that continues to be missing from my life rather than from the depression that stems from my ongoing issues with an uncooperative brain chemistry.

what's strange is i was going to write that i miss being in love, but if truth be told, i think the more accurate descriptor is that i miss love period -- that almost palpable feeling that you are deeply cared for and about, that you have a cherished place in people's hearts and a welcomed place in this world. it has been so long since i've experienced this state of being in any real and tangible way that i question if it is something that i miss being present or something that i truly wish to experience for the first time.

i wonder if that questioning arises from the fact that for every affirming experience of love and relationship i've had in my life there are deeper, more painful experiences that i've had that undermine or even almost completely eradicate the positive ones? or is it just that i've not had enough of the positive ones to provide a sense that love is enduring and lasting, that it's not something that will not be present when you need it most or that exists in other people's lives but isn't meant to be for you?

i think about a remark in a speech that i heard amy grant give many years ago. she shared that she felt the love of god is like the ocean. it's the greatest component of our world even if many of us don't see it very often. i hope she's right.

it has at times felt that even the love of god is not available to me and that the love i seek here on earth will be forever beyond my grasp. and if that is indeed the case, then, truly, what am i still doing here?

hmm, maybe it's more than a hint....