when "relationships with men" becomes synonymous with "heartbreak"

i guess it is no revelation, based on my last several blog entries, that i am working through a particular recent disappointment in my relationship with sean. that process has manifested in the form of both private rumination and dialogues with my therapist. through the course of both, i've come to see that i am back in a place that i have actually been before. that place is living with the belief that for me attempting any form of relationship with a guy will just lead to emotional pain and suffering.

as i've shared before, this is a particularly problematic perspective to have when you are a gay man. it is even more so when you are a gay man who has had to go without intimate connection with other men for quite some time and is now longing for those types of relationships in your life. i would equate it to being in a desert and believing that water is poisonous. the thing you most need is the one thing you are most afraid to take in to your life because you believe it will only hurt you in the end.

my therapist, who we shall refer to as dr. s from now on, is gently encouraging me to think about stepping out and forming new relationships. yet, because of the place i'm in, i just see doing that as taking the pains i've been experiencing in navigating my friendship with sean and just multiplying those hurts two, three, four-fold. another way of saying that is i see no upside in the proposition of entering into new relationships with the male of the species.

and so hear i sit, alone in my desert, hoping to find an oasis. and yet fearful to take even a sip.

an unfortunate task

i believe i've mentioned before that i have an employee that is not performing at the level that we need him to be performing. i've had discussions with him, provided guidance, attempted to described the dire nature of his situation as clearly as directly as possible. and the poor performance has continued. now mind you, he does do some work, but as i have shared with him and many others, we can never confuse "activity" with "accomplishment." i have also marveled with this particular individual, who is truly a pleasant and well-intentioned individual, that when he presents information he can tend to say so much about very little.

the reality is he's just in the wrong job. and the unfortunate thing for him is that we need the right person in that job that he's currently occupying. and so, with the endorsement of my boss, i had a meeting with human resources yesterday to put in motion the process of terminating his employment. the fortunate aspect of the situation is that he is eligible for a healthy severance package and benefits. still, losing a job is never an easy process for anyone.

now because of schedules, which includes my upcoming, much needed two week vacation, we won't actually be letting him go until a little over a month from now. it's going to be a long, long wait until then.

disappointment to despair

it's thursday morning. no response as yet to the text i sent yesterday and no response to a morning greeting today. and my emotional response to it all is a feeling of deep sadness. it's a pattern i've become unfortunately familiar with over the last several months. a hope, a desire, an expectation is not met and i quickly pass from disappointment to despair. it's also a pattern that i'm entirely, utterly sick of experiencing.

i get the disappointment part. it is a natural reaction to something hoped for not taking place. you're going out of town for a visit. you hope that part of that visit can include seeing your new friend. it doesn't look like that's going to happen. you're disappointed. again, i get that. what i don't get is why my mind continues to betray me by magnifying that bit of sadness into larger indictments against the truthfulness of the friendship, my worth as a person and the quality of my life, now and into the future.

correction, i do get it, at least in part. i mean i've written about it a few times before. it's in part a brain chemistry thing. fine. my physiology is kind of mucked up and warping my emotional reactions. and the fuel to that fire are the hurts and pains of past experiences (some not so distant). so while i "understand" what is likely the cause, i guess what i don't "get" is (cue the existential question) why does this have to be happening to me in my life at this time. and i also don't understand how to stop this part of me that seems clearly broken from causing me to feel that i am entirely broken and unwanted.

it continues to feel like this depressed mind is going to result in my losing so much. it feels like i'm losing a friend because of how i'm reacting, that i'm losing my focus and drive at work, and that i'm losing any sense that life can be good or meaningful or fulfilling. this is so not a good place to be. it really isn't.

ugh, not again

if there is one concept that is entirely unappealing to me it's reincarnation. the idea of having to come back and do all of this over again makes me more depressed than i can tell. anyway, despite my misgivings, here's a great song that has it as the premise.

galileo - indigo girls

fresh pain

i'm waiting for the day when thinking about our situation doesn't make me sad. i meant to write friendship. the situation is what it is i suppose.

i sent those words in a text message about an hour ago and now i'm starting to regret that i did. that regret comes not so much from the concern regarding the reaction that the words might elicit from the recipient (a reaction that has not as yet come nor am i confident that i will receive one. of late, expressions like these have tended to go by without comment). no, the regret comes from the fact that letting these words out of my mind and into the world has seemed to have broken open a fresh reservoir of pain that is flooding my soul and drowning me in sadness.

i feel kind of at a breaking point this morning. life just doesn't seem to be working for me. even the simplest things that i want, a day with a friend, for instance, just don't seem to be possible. and if the simple things are beyond my grasp what chance do i have for the more complex aspects of my life to come into alignment with my hopes and aspirations?

it all feels quite impossible. and that day i'm waiting for? it just doesn't seem like it's ever going to arrive.

a quiet sadness

over the past several months, i have experienced a kind of mental anguish that were it manifested in the form of physical torture i am sure it would violate any provisions of the geneva convention on cruel and unusual punishment. the pain has often come in the form of a raging almost violent assault on my psyche that made me question if i literally was going to make it to the end of that particular day. i sensed this was partly to blame on being on the wrong medication, and as adjustments to my medication are being made with my weaning off the one and going on another, i continue to suspect i am right.

over the past several days, the assaults have subsided. that's the good news. the unfortunate news is that the sadness remains. rather than being tumultuous, it's actually pretty placid. i use that particular term as it is a word that is often used to describe the conditions surrounding a lake, and in like manner, while my melancholy state has a stillness and quietness about it, it also can be quite deep and there are moments that i feel i am about to drown in it (actually there are moments i wish i could and disappear forever).

i continue to question if i am really suited for this life. it seems to be filled with nothing but disappointment and loneliness. i am not encouraged right now, as i have not been for some time, that things will get better. the days go by with what feel like meaningless activities and end in nights of isolation and destructive thinking.

i used to believe that there was an abundance of love in the world. i think i still believe that. i just don't believe it for me.  

a running metaphor

i was out for another walk today. as i was listening to sara bareilles and deep in thought, i made a step to the left and just at that moment i caught someone running up beside me in my peripheral vision. i made a quick step to the right and declared an apology. the runner, an attractive male from what i could discern post near collision, never spoke, never broke his stride and continued moving into the distance ahead at a rapid clip. at that moment i felt unnoticed and insignificant, and i thought, "well if there is ever a metaphor for how i'm feeling men i find attractive react to me, this would be it."

i guess it didn't help that earlier in the day, i was caught by the thought that i think i've forgotten what it feels like to be loved. all in all, not the best of days.