tough talk

here's another song for the 2013 soundtrack. i had a difficult conversation with michael tonight. the sentiment expressed in this song is a pitch perfect match to the tenor of that discussion. it was difficult but not nearly as hard as i thought it would be.

i was actually going to post this song a week or so ago with the comment, "what does it say when you look at this song as an aspirational state of mind?" based on tonight's conversation, i think i may already be there.

made of stone - evanescence

the difference

i was driving along this morning thinking about life and the choices i have made and will have to make. as various potential future scenarios flashed through my mind, for some reason, i started thinking about a particular moment in the movie "steel magnolias." i hope most if not all of the readers of this blog have seen this film. being a card carrying, gold star homosexual, i have, of course, seen it so many times that i can practically recite the dialogue from memory.

this fact being disclosed, it is not surprising that moments from the movie readily come to mind. this particular scene is between the character of shelby, played by a young julia roberts, and her mother m'lynn, played by sally field. shelby and her husband jack, played by the always yummy dylan mcdermott, have announced that she is pregnant with their first child. because of a chronic medical condition, shelby has been advised not to have children. m'lynn is less than thrilled with the news and retreats to a bedroom followed by shelby. during their dialogue in which m'lynn expresses her concern, shelby shares her motivation for wanting to carry a child and in so doing makes this statement, "i would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

thinking about this scene also made me think about michael's reaction to it when we were once discussing the movie. he was in the m'lynn camp, thinking the choice to be a foolish one particularly given the consequences that result (i won't go into specifics for those who, for some reason unknown to me, have not seen this wonderful movie). i on the other hand, when i first saw the movie (and actually every time i've seen it after), felt the meaning of those words reach in and sound a resonance deep in my soul that made me weep.

now please allow me to clarify that i actually would rather have a lifetime of wonderful but i definitely relate to the need of wanting to have a full life with the risks entailed than a safe and sedate life without them. i can't help but recognize the difference in michael and my reactions really being pretty accurate reflections of the difference we share on how life should be approached and experienced. and that no matter how hard we try it is this difference that ultimately brings us to the same place of struggle and heartache. it is what i believe is bringing us again to another fork in the road in our journey together. i know the road i must travel as challenging as that may be. i can't speak for michael. then again i rarely have been able to.

after the breakthrough

those who have been in therapy (and likely many who have not) will be quite familiar with the term "breakthrough." in the psychiatric counseling setting, it refers to the moment when the person undergoing therapy gets to a point of clarity about the cause of his/her psychiatric distress and at least some answers as to how to alleviate that distress. visually represented it is literally akin to the moment that after days and days of being under the oppressive weight of dark cloudy skies, the clouds part and you can see the sun and blue skies again. it is a wonderful moment that deserves to be celebrated.

my entry yesterday was my breakthrough moment. and while i plead guilty to at times being over dramatic, i have to share that the moment was truly glorious. returning to my analogy, the clouds of depression dispersed and a lightness returned to my heart. interestingly enough, as this breakthrough happened with my personal life, a hint of a similar occurrence to the circumstances that have been weighing down my professional life was brought to my attention later in the day. indeed such moments deserve to be celebrated. and then there's the after.

coming upon solutions to complex life issues is a wonderful experience, yet there also comes the moment when you realize that you now have to live out that solution. this is a realization made all the more daunting by the fact that while you believe the solution will work for you, you recognize it may not be what everyone else is expecting or wanting from you. living your truth can be challenging when it may cause others to not think as highly of you, may bring emotional pain to someone else, may result in people thinking you've lost your way on the straight and narrow or all of the above. yet such decisions have to be made. such truths have to be lived out. coming out as gay was a similar moment for me that indeed did yield all of the results that i've just listed. it is still having residual results in my relationships with my mother and some friends. it is however, a truth that i live out without reservation.

not too long ago, i was parked in the garage here at work listening to amy grant's cover of "it's too late" (i posted this song a couple of nights ago on my blog should you want to listen to it -- my apologies to my friend rjg who is probably horrified that i did not use the definitive, original carole king version. still, her knowing how much i love amy will hopefully ease the blow of such a sacrilegious act). listening to that song reminded me of the fact that i am in the "after the breakthrough" moment as i realized there are some difficult conversations ahead, likely beginning tonight. no one looks forward to having these conversations. living through the after effects even less so. but i know have and live i must. it's the only way i'll continue to see the sun.

re-thinking love

ever have one of those thoughts while walking that literally stops you dead in your tracks? the following is the thought i had this morning that completely fits that description:

the essence of frustration is having something that you don't want because it's not working and either wanting something that you can't have or can't seem to get because that's just how life has arranged itself.

this week i've been spending quite a bit of time in contemplation on the concept of love and my relationship to it. the fact that this is the second blog entry on the topic this week, as i even shared in that earlier entry, demonstrates that such an exercise is by no means a novel one in my life.

i think what may be different is the shape and form that it is taking this time around. let's be clear. i still believe that love is a fundamental, essential aspect of all of our lives. and of course, love takes many forms -- caring, support, intimacy, passion, empathy and is expressed in many ways -- love of family, friends, pastimes, (for those of a spiritual nature) of god or some higher power, and, perhaps most significantly, of a spouse, lover, significant other, or what have you. it's the use of the word "perhaps" that is the best reflection of this new direction my contemplation has been leading me.

over the past few weeks i've been read over many a past entry on my yearning for love and relationship. from that review i've begun wondering if i've placed too much importance on that form of love. maybe, it's time to stop putting a prescription on how love needs to be present in my life and just accept and appreciate the forms of it that manifest each and every day. maybe by not looking for it in a specifically defined form, i.e., a monogamous marital-like relationship, i can stop looking at my current realtionship with michael, which by its very construct is problematic, as my only opportunity to have love in my life. thereby, i can stop torturing myself to make something that is clearly not working be something that it can't. maybe, my questioning of am i capable of love is not as much about being able to love as it is about capability to meet certain expectations about how love should be expressed.

the use of the word "maybe," takes me back to another blog entry with that title. i described to a friend recently that it was an entry that was really written through me rather than from my conscious thought. the statements there are becoming a kind of manifesto for me for this next season of life -- my new map, if you will, to borrow from yet another blog entry. i repeat those thoughts here as they really seem to reflect the thoughts expressed in today's entry and maybe, just, maybe i'm finally close to the heart of the matter:

maybe it's about a continuous re-awakening to a few things -- life is too short for regrets; it's ok to let go of some illusions; sometimes you have to make your own rules; every now and again, i need to come first; detours aren't always about losing your way; love will last . . . .

maybe . . .

sinkhole

long-time readers of this blog know that on occasion i have these moments where i go into pretty much of an emotional freefall (for an example, go to this blog entry feeling foolish). i'm noticing that one circumstance that is ripe for such an occurrence presents at the outset of new relationships when each person is still a relatively unknown quantity and the patterns of engagement are not well set. well last night was another one of those moments.

i'd come home early from work as a result of having some particularly bad gastro-intestinal issues, climbed into bed and went to sleep for a bit. when i awoke i powered up my laptop and began browsing my usual stomping grounds on the world wide web. after a bit, my new friend popped up checking to see if i was online. thinking i was going to engage in another of our fun chats i eagerly responded with the usual, "hey, how goes it?" type of greeting. well, we did chat, but i think only a sado-masochist would classify it as fun (at least from my side of the conversation).

not too long into the chat my new friend shared something that had occurred and something else that might occur in his day. immediately upon reading the words, i felt my heart stop and this sinking in the pit of my stomach. it was almost akin to earlier in the day when i had what i thought was going to be a routine trip to the rest room and shortly therein realized it would be anything but (emerging 25 minutes later, sweating and drained, my initial suspicion in that instance was confirmed).

now i have experience with that feeling. it's a sign that some amount of emotional instability might kick in. when that happens the rational side of my brain comes immediately to the fore and it did so in this case. "why are you reacting this way to what he shared? there's nothing wrong with it. it's none of your concern. he doesn't owe you anything." that was the rational side.

well, the emotional side is nothing if not prepared for a fight and proceeded to launch in with a tirade that was a combination of my having been betrayed and in some ways deceived by how this person had been presenting himself to me. rational persisted and got to a point that he managed to move my emotional side to a recognition that it was really inappropriate to be upset with my new friend.

unfortunately, when my emotional side gets worked up and manages to have his focus moved from the initial object of attention, he feels he needs a new target at which to lash out. without fail that target is the only other person readily available at that particular moment -- me. still seeing red, he was in full attack mode. "you are so stupid to trust, to open your heart to someone else. you're ugly. you've made all the wrong choices about work and relationship. your life is empty and devoid of love. you are alone and will be for the rest of your life."

interestingly enough, my rational side always remains silent when i am under attack from the emotional. he's really good at coming to the defense of others but as for me? well, not so much. actually, not at all. and deeper and deeper i sank into a new emotional sinkhole.

this kind of situation is painful enough to experience alone. i really hate when there's an observer. my poor new friend could sense the shift and did his best to attempt to bring some cheer. i feel particularly bad about that in that he's been dealing with some really serious personal issues of his own and didn't need to be dealing with my stuff on top of his. after a period of time, we said our good nights and logged off.

as should not be a surprise, i did not sleep at all well (despite having taken a sleep aid - i think it's time to move from over the counter and talk with my doctor about getting the good stuff). i awoke to an email from michael. it was short (and possibly curt), indicating he hoped all was well. now michael being michael that could have been a sincere wish or it could have been a passive aggressive, sarcastic dig that was chiding me for not engaging in our nightly call (given that he left a couple of messages on the answering machine, i know where i'm leaning right now).

i wanted to write back that all is most definitely not well. i'm really done with our long-distance relationship. i'm tired of being alone. i'm sick of not having the kind of love, intimacy and support in my life that i so desperately want from him. i'm frightened by the fact that i don't believe he is capable of providing these things and never will be (and the same for me to him). instead i told him that i had been sick with stomach issues and that i hoped he would have a good day.

the rational side wins again.

later tonight

i thought that was a better title than "f**k love!" and this closes out today's reflections.

it's too late - amy grant version

tonight

i can't think of a better song that describes how i'm feeling right now.

lost in paradise - evanescence

loving the idea of love

no remedy for love - susan ashton

i shared the above song with a friend the other night. he's a new friend, who also loves music, and we've developed this practice of sharing songs that have particular meaning to us or that we just really like. i shared this song as an example of the talents of this particular artist, who is among my all time favorites (i've shared other songs by her on this blog -- in fact, i think i may have even shared this particular song previously).

it's a lovely song (in fact, i'm listening to it as i type this) with moving lyrics, great music, and a sublime vocal performance by ms. ashton. at the moment i shared it though, i was struck with this thought, "do i love the idea of being in love more than i enjoy the exercise itself?"

the reason for the self-query? i find myself in another season where the act of relationship is quite painful. i am realizing that i am weary of trying to make a long-distance relationship work. i can no longer ignore the minor and major dysfunctions of my relationship and i see no resolution in sight.

so the question becomes, while i have this ideal of love as expressed by the previous song, is it worth it when for me love seems to always come back to the place expressed by this next song (and if you have not heard this album, i highly recommend it. it's easily going to be on my favorites of 2013 list)?

islands - sara bareilles

during this same conversation with my new friend, i raised the possibility that i may not be capable of love. he expressed some skepticism with respect to this assessment. i believe the exact quote was, "dude, you've only been with one guy. you can't say you are not capable of love."

now, part of me thinks that his reaction results from the luxury of not yet knowing me all that well. it's true i've only been with one guy -- one guy but three different attempts at love and they all seem to have come to the same place.

then again maybe the preceeding reflections are the questions at all. maybe the real question is do i even care anymore?

an echo from the weekend

i'll just let the music speak for itself.

broken - seether featuring amy lee

what happens next

this was some weekend. some truly wonderful, special moments. some funny ones. ome very difficult ones. much emotion. some decisions made.  at first, with resolve and without reservation. now waking at 2 am and with more pondering, the weight and gravity and fear of what may be next has set in.

i've lived for many years in an environment of fear of the unknown. this revelation may be surprising to some as i would imagine from the outside it appears that i've done quite a bit of bold risk-taking. but if you look closer, you will see fear has also been right there in the shadows, whispering to me, motivating me to make some decisions that were better left unmade. i am not alone and have been ably aided and abetted in this effort. if anything, fear has kept an untenable situation in place for far too long.

i've drawn on the same source for many a reflective song. i imagine i will continue to do so as it has been a rich field from which to draw emotional expression. you know how there are just some artists and particular albums that just seem to be written just for you. this is certainly one of them. and as i ponder what may be next, this song powerfully, completely reflects exactly where i am at this moment.

new way to bleed - evanescence

rough night

the night didn't turn out the way i wanted or hoped it would. i heard this song earlier in the day yesterday. i felt it was a coalescing of the voices of encouragement i was getting over the weekend. this morning i feel like i'm not sure if it's the lyrics or just the title that i resonate with more.

disappear - evanescence