more echoes

it's been a little while since i wrote an entry in this blog. the day before christmas eve was the last time i attempted to write something herein. and truth be told, not a whole lot has happened in the interim. my days have been uneventful save for my spending a considerable amount of time chatting with a few friends old and new online.

i'd been managing ok emotionally until last night. that's when the inevitable moment of questioning and doubt came to the fore.

it has been nice to chat online. i've had a feeling that i may even be forging actual friendships with a few guys. then last night i finished a conversation and headed up to bed. the house was dark and of course i was alone. it was at that moment that i felt a deep sense of emptiness in both my home and my heart. i would swear that if i spoke aloud i am sure i would have heard an echo in both places.

then the thought came to me that it may be all well and good to talk with guys virtually, but at the end of the day, i climb into a cold and empty bed with no one to tell me that i am special and that i am loved. and with that thought, the questioning of the validity of all of my experiences over the past couple of weeks poured over me. was i just kidding myself that these guys thought anything more of me than as someone to talk and flirt with? was i again experiencing, as i have with other guys in the same venues, the dynamic of being a nice plaything that they could turn on and off with the push of a button on their computers? no one real. no one substantive. just a ghost in the machine meant for their adoration and gratification.

with all of that swirling through my head, climbing into that cold, empty bed was more difficult than usual. climbing out of it this morning was even more challenging.

fragmenting

my self-esteem seems to be crumbling again. i feel less of who i used to be, an increasing sense of regret at who i, and a dread filled uncertainty of what i am to become. this feeling of being alone in a life where no one sees me or knows me or wants me continues to grow. it has not been a good year. i have oft repeated that phrase through this blog. this is one of those dark nights where i feel my sanity is fragmenting, breaking apart into pieces that cannot seem coalesce again into any sense of coherent thought or rational perspective. all is see is sadness, loss, despair, and isolation. it feels as if it's all i've ever seen and all i've ever known.

it's been a bumpy road

it's almost mid-day of the last week i likely will be spending in this office this calendar year. with the family memorial for my friend and work colleague scheduled for monday morning, i don't anticipate coming back into the office following that event. so save for some meetings this afternoon, i am at the end of my work experience for 2014.

so how do i feel at this time? before going into all of that, i feel i need to note, as should not be a surprise to anyone who has read more than this specific entry on this blog, it has been a very, very tough year. the pacing of my work and the sheer volume of it has increased tremendously. i'm still amazed with the variety of topics and issues i cover over the course of a work day. another dynamic that has emerged is the shifting tenor of the work environment from a more collegial, inclusive one to a more insular, directive one. we haven't made this change entirely and i'm not sure if we will. my hope is that not only does this trend stop but that it actually reverses. we shall see if my hope is fulfilled.

so what does all of this mean about how i'm feeling? well, i still enjoy my job and the body of work for which i am accountable. this being stated, i am becoming increasingly frustrated with the context in which i do this work. if things do not change (the aforementioned reversal of trend) then i'm not sure i will be able to remain here and continue to feel good about what i do and who i am. if i get to that point then it will be time to plan for my exit. a factor that also contributes to my evaluation is the fact that while i really like where i live, i am not happy here. with no relationships outside of the work setting, the sense of isolation has become both deep and pervasive as has my depression. i can't see staying here in a job i don't like anymore with my being so unhappy outside of work.

so how and when will i decide what i'm going to do? well, as a result of some leadership coaching work, i've scheduled one day each month in 2015 that i call my "taking stock" day. on these particular days, i will take an hour or so and just think through what is happening with respect to my work and the organization and make a determination of how i need to move forward. based on certain events that will be happening in the first quarter, i don't think it will take to many taking stock days before i know whether i will be looking to stay or to leave.

in the meantime, i'm just hopeful that some more positive signs and circumstances are headed my way soon in 2015. i'm not sure i will survive another year like this one.

not enough to be real

got home late last night after a very full day and then dinner with a work colleague. ending up showering and climbing into bed almost immediately after arrival. i felt achy and tired. my eyes were burning and my sinuses were in constant drainage mode. after looking for my new friend online and realizing i'd likely missed him by about 15 minutes, i took my sleep meds and drifted quickly off to slumberland.

it amazes me that i can have a complete sleep and still feel so tired. that's the state i find myself in now. i just got out of what was a deadly boring meeting and i have another coming up this afternoon. truth be told, i'm not really here anymore as in fully present in my life. i'm basically going through the motions and continuing to do my best impersonation of a living person.

i walk, i talk, i smile, and i laugh (well not as much on the latter two). i make statements, give direction, provide counsel here at work but i feel completely disassociated from the activity of life. again, it's like i'm occupying the space but not fully embodied in it.

for some reason the thought of the story of the velveteen rabbit came to mind. for those unfamiliar with the story, the brief synopsis is it's the story of a stuffed rabbit who becomes a real rabbit due to the love of his owner. the thought i was having is that if love makes us "real" maybe my experience now is that there is not enough love tangible and present in my life to make me feel as if i am truly, fully, completely alive.

and so the day goes. and so my "life" continues.

emptied out

it feels as if i really have nothing more to give. sad, alone, lost. that's how i have felt for much of this year and how i feel still. is this all there is?

not my best self today

the title of today's entry was a thought i had as i was getting some coffee in the kitchen at work this morning. it feels as if the full weight of all the struggle of this past year is crashing down on me.

i think i know why at least in part this is happening now. my heart has been opened up to deep feeling by two events  -- the loss of one friend and the beginning connections to a new one. as a result, all of the hurts and disappointments that have happened over the course of this troublesome year have been brought to the surface.

i've never been very good at compartmentalizing. i tend to have to shut down all emotion if i am to get through dealing with the difficult ones. if i start to feel something, i feel it all. the saddest part is that even in the midst of what could be a good thing, the emotional pain only has me seeing all the things that could go wrong, all the ways i may just be making a fool of myself, and all the ways i may be hurt deeper still.

what this current time has shown me is that there has been no healing from all of the various events of 2014. i just took the pain and stuffed it behind a wall or buried it beneath the floorboards of my weary soul. now with new wounds and old scars ripped open,  i just sit and watch as the darkness descends again.

a very human experience

you know, i think it's funny how no matter how many times i have this experience and how many times i want it to be different the same pattern pretty much emerges. i meet a guy. he seems interesting. i start to like him. throughout this phase i'm pretty easy going.

i share more about me. i get to know him more. i like him more, and i think the feeling might be mutual. i start to want to see him more and get to know him even better. i want him to be more present in my life and i in his. it's about at this time that my fatalistic side starts to emerge and with it all of the self-doubt and reasons why the relationship will not proceed any further and/or is doomed to fail eventually.

the reasons often vary. sometimes it's about logistics. sometimes it's about the "shoulds and shouldn'ts" about how i feel i'm expected to behave or what i should want to be a respectable individual -- playing by norms that society has established that i neither asked for nor do i feel really fit me. always there is the common element of how i do and don't see myself. any assets i possess become diminished if not imperceptible and any "liabilities" become magnified -- looks, age (a new addition to the list), neuroses, this continually sensitive and increasingly vulnerable heart -- all seem ample reason for anticipated rejection and all cause me to question what i am doing.

i'm in the grips of this same pattern again. i know i have to accept that what will be will be. people tell me to take risks. i know i need to and i do. it just would be nice if, when i did so with men, the results were more often rewarding than damaging.

cold heart

this has been another one of those lost weekends. i've been drifting in and out of a state of a deep and mind numbing depression. some moments i resemble a sentient human being. in others, i feel as if it is an effort to remember my own name or much about my identity. the purpose and meaning of my life are swallowed in the sadness of the isolation and solitary nature of it.

there have been a few bright spots -- a new friendship that i hope will continue to develop and deepen; another friend who may be making a long-desired visit after the new year. but even so, these bright spots feel like burning embers from a fire that died long ago, doing their best to hang on to provide some last bits of light and warmth in an ever encroaching darkness and cold.

it's snowing outside right now. the kind of snowfall that is blowing and persistent. it may be cold outside but i fear a greater chill has overtaken my heart.

memorial

another difficult day. we had a memorial service for our friend and work colleague who passed away. we got to share remembrances of her life. it was lovely. there was much laughter and tears. i hope it served as a catharsis for the hundred or so folks who gathered to pay their respects.

for me, i suspect, the pain will linger for some time to come. she was a very large part of my life here in this organization, and supported me in so many ways -- not just in work but in life. we talked many times over the course of the day. she was the only person here that i shared the full extent of the emotional struggle i have been having over this very difficult year. and now she is gone, and i wonder what does that mean for my life both here at work and outside of it moving forward.

the pain is so great that it feels as if my heart will never recover. my life continues to feel as if it is becoming so quiet and so small such that it hardly seems to qualify as "life" at all. i just don't know.

loss

someone i worked very closely with died yesterday unexpectedly. we believe she was not even aware of the condition that led to her passing. it was one of those situations that the person was here one day and gone the next.

i don't deal with death very well. it's not so much about how upset i get as it is i have a hard time registering the reality and permanence of someone's passing on. i was saying to a good friend yesterday that i still have to remind myself that my grandmother is gone and she died like 14 years ago.

and as much as i recognize that this loss is not about me, it truly feels that my already lonely world has become even more isolated and colder. yesterday, i reached out to a few friends and only one was available to help me process this loss. i went to bed feeling the pain of aloneness deep in my soul.

today i came in and there have been many hugs and tears shed by those who knew and cared so much about her. she helped so many of us. she was a force of nature in how she embraced life. it all seems so unfair.

i truly hope my colleague and friend is in a better life in the hereafter with loved ones who had moved on before her and where the love and peace of god surrounds and sustains them all. she so deserves that. she will be sorely missed.

in the middle of a shit storm

i'm not sure quite how to describe the kind of day i have had at work (though the title of this entry is a good first attempt), and i feel i should add the kind of day i've had thus far because i'm still here waiting for another meeting to start. suffice it to say that on more than one occasion the thought of asking my boss to add my name to the workforce reduction list, so i can escape this insanity.

ultimately, i've got to figure something out. i'm not sure what the solution is and as a result no clue how to get there. all i know is i'm tired of working so hard to try to do the right things in the right way only to have all that effort undermined by decisions of other leaders. i've been very disappointed that our senior-most leaders have allowed this situation to continue in this way for this long.

it does not help that i leave this craziness to return to an empty house and an empty life. it feels like there is no consolation for me anywhere in this world.  

no discernible presence

i woke up this morning not feeling very good about myself. this should not be a surprise. i went to bed feeling the same way. and now? no change really.

it feels as if i've pretty much lost all sense of who i am and what exactly my life is supposed to be about. i've been in a similar place before, and somehow that fact provides no consolation.

i look into my mind's eye to see that mental image of myself and there's nothing there. it's as if i am staring in what used to be my self-mirror and there is no reflection back at me. even physically i feel so insubstantial i would not be surprised that i would not cast a shadow on a brilliantly sunny day.

every day continues to feel harder to get through than the one preceding it. and the reason i am even occupying space on this earth has become an inscrutable mystery. how does one have a fulfilling life when you feel you have no discernible presence in reality?

long ago and far away

here's a song that perfectly describes where i am today. it's an all time classic that i'm sure many of you have heard before. i'm actually posting two versions. one is the song from the album. the other is a live performance by the same artist. the lyrics are below as well. and now if you'll excuse me, i need to get back to some more crying.

long ago and far away (recorded) - james taylor

long ago and far away (live performance) by james taylor

long ago a young man sits
and plays his waiting game
but things are not the same it seems
as in such tender dreams
slowly passing sailing ships
and sunday afternoon
like people on the moon i've seen
are things not meant to be
where do those golden rainbows end
why is this song so sad
(why is this song so sad)
dreaming the dreams i dream my friend
loving the love i love
to love is just a word i've heard
when things are being said
stories my poor head has told me
can not stand the cold
and in between what might have been
and what has come to pass
are misbegotten guests alas
and bits of broken glass
where do your golden rainbows end
(where do the rainbows end)
why is the song i sing so sad
dreaming the dreams i dream my friend
(dreaming the dreams i dream)
loving the love i love
to love to love to love
whoa no no no no no
Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/james-taylor/long-ago-and-far-away-lyrics/#gH9vxeCmRshAETSi.99

my lost art of conversation and companionship

i went for a drive today down to my favorite comics shop, something that is becoming an almost weekly ritual. on the way into the city i was listening to the ew channel on sirius xm where they've been doing a "best of" marathon with segments from their various shows. i was listening to the fun banter of the the hosts from "inside movies" and was just struck with the easy, fun conversation they were having. it was at that moment that i thought, "i have no one in my personal life here to have that kind of interaction with." and the familiar aching and yearning for intimate companionship rippled through my heart.

after i arrived and was walking through the store, grabbing items of interest to take advantage of the great weekend sale they were having, my heart grew heavier and heavier with this reminder of my current state of affairs. a song came over the store pa system at one point, and it reminded me of a friend. i texted him and we had a very brief exchange. it was nice and somehow, as with so many other similar interactions, it just made me want to be with this friend more -- to share a drink, see a movie, laugh over some stories, or just enjoy being in the presence of someone who you feel "gets you."

truth be told, i have become so reliant on email, texts, and instant message chats, i'm at a loss for when the last time i had an actual conversation with another human being outside of work that didn't involve saying thank you to a store clerk or ordering some take out food. my world feels so painfully confined and lifeless.

it's funny the things i think about as i'm doing even the most ordinary of tasks. as i continued to wander through aisle upon aisle of comic books, graphic novels, and related paraphernalia, fill up my little shopping basket with planned purchases, i stopped and stooped down to get a better look at items on a bottom shelf. scanning the various books before me, it hit me how i just have this need to give to people's lives, that for me the joy of relationship is not just what i receive but even more so it's about the opportunity to care, to share, and to give my love to someone else and this is true for family, friends, and significant others alike. i guess that's what's been the most difficult and cruelest part of this past year's experiences. all i want is to have more of these opportunities in my life and life doesn't seem interested in providing them.

now i'm back home, lying in bed in the early afternoon, typing this entry, and wondering if i'm going to be writing this same type of entry this time next year. i guess it's time for a nap.

how low can i go?

my mood continues in steady downhill decline. in fact, it's really my whole state of being that just feels as if its collapsing. i just keep wondering how much further down i will or can go before i'm not able to function altogether. still waiting for that one good thing.

crawling into another holiday weekend

this week i am employing a very simple survival strategy, "just do your best to get through Wednesday and to the four day holiday weekend." it feels as if the cumulative effect of the year's emotional, mental, and physical stress and strain is weighing down my every movement, my every thought, my every breath. i didn't know it was possible to feel this spent and worn out.

i guess it doesn't help, as i know i've observed before, that i leave the day's work efforts and some battles just to take up an ongoing emotional struggle with assaults on my self-esteem during the evenings and weekends. it's all effort right now. no rest. no relief. just struggle.

today i heard a message about how difficult times make us stronger and challenges build our character. so, if this is true, i would imagine that as a result of this year or so, i should be at about a combination of charles atlas and mathama ghandi. yet, if that's the case why is that all i continue to feel is broken, alone, and lost?

the same drill

almost every sunday night of this calendar year it has been the same drill. i settle onto the couch (or into bed), the thoughts of the week's activity ahead begin to filter through my mind. i see an immediate line of long, busy, stressful days, followed by lonely, sadness-filled nights. as i try to raise my gaze higher to see further into the future, hoping to catch a glimpse of something better, all i see is more of the same. and beyond that i just see emptiness. the kind that matches the interior landscape of my heart and soul. i do not see this life of mine as a good thing at the moment and i'm not sure i can take another year of the same.

still searching, still longing

the song below is one that i just got finished listening to as i was taking a hot soak in a mineral salts infused bath. as the song started for some reason it hit me that i first heard this song 15 years ago shortly after i had come out as a gay man (it also occurred to me that this year was my 15th anniversary of said event. perhaps i realized that at some other point in the year but have no recollection of that happening). i found the cd the song is on in the sales bin of a local book/music store that i used to frequent (and which has long since closed).

i have listened to this song so many times over the years. i've even posted it on this blog a time or two. it is a song that expresses the most fundamental of desires that of love and faithful companionship in a truly eloquent way. listening to it while immersed in warm bath water, i thought back to those times i first listened to those songs. newly accepting of my sexual identity, i listened and longed that what was being expressed would come true in my life -- that now that i was clear on who i was, i would finally be able to find that "real thing." 15 years ago there was, yes, so much longing but there was hope that it could happen.

i wonder how i would have felt if i knew that 15 years hence that i would still be searching and that all i would have to show for my hoping was a failed long-term relationship that brought more sorrow into my life than support, more hurt than healing, and more pain than love? what would my response have been to the fact that 15 years later i would be alone in a new city with no prospects for much happiness ahead?

i guess life felt that the part of the song i deserved was "nothing at all." i guess the search is over.

real thing - bobby caldwell

what will be left?

i'm not sure if i've had a more stressful week in the three plus years i've been in this organization. i've lost count of the number of times my blood pressure has risen over the countless ridiculous things that have happened as we've tried to plan for and conduct an orderly approach to the workforce reduction. the fact that most people seem to be in some other frame of mind, blissfully unconcerned, disengaged, uncaring or all of the above about the major action that is about to take place does little to help my level of frustration.

it would be so helpful to be able to leave work and just relax. unfortunately, i continue to struggle with the same set of emotional problems that have plagued me all year.

i keep wondering how much of me will be left to give by the end of the year. it already feels that what is today is not enough.

an endless stream

last night i had another confrontation with myself. all of the sadness, all of the doubts, all of the self-esteem issues, all of the fears poured out of me again in a steady, endless stream. it was an exhausting experience, and today all i feel is spent. i need some kind of relief and soon.

the definition of fatalistic

this weekend has been a difficult one. as i retire to my bed and approach sleep, i am haunted by what i see when i survey the past, present, and future of my life's journey. it feels as if behind me there is this road filled with disappointments. around me is this ever present forest of despair and isolation. and ahead of me is a seemingly endless road of unfulfilled desires and an empty, barren life.

i don't even have the words to adequately describe how i am feeling at this moment. what's even sadder is the feeling that i have of why bother to attempt to articulate it. what difference does it make? who even cares anymore? no one really sees me in this darkened corner i inhabit. no one really hears me and certainly no one understands me and what i have been through and am experiencing. no on ever has and no one ever will.

an anniversary

it continues to amaze me when certain thoughts come to me. last night i was sitting in the drive through at wendy's, waiting for my baconator combo. i was thinking about how tired i was and that led to me thinking about how difficult this year has been. i'm not sure how it happened, but i suddenly realized that this weekend was the one year anniversary of my break-up with michael. with that thought came the additional realization that while i spent the past year struggling with depression and fighting to stay alive, michael had spent the year building a relationship with someone he met six weeks after we broke up.

as you can imagine, this has not left me in the best of moods for the weekend. it just feels like i've tried my best all my life to be a good and loving person and this is what life feels i deserve? to be alone with a broken spirit? i'll end with a phrase that has ended a few of these entries and more than a few thoughts. i just don't understand.

running on fumes

this has been a wearying week. in addition to some of the emotional challenges i had at the beginning of the week (from which there are still some lingering effects), the pacing of activity has risen exponentially. as is happening with organizations world-wide, my organization has recognized that we need to reduce our cost structure and is taking action to do so. one of the most immediate actions is a decision to reduce the size of our workforce and so managers like me must begin the difficult task of determining who will stay and who will leave the organization. and it's not just a matter of who will be let go but also determining how we will do the work with fewer people.

i've been given the enviable task of being in charge of how we will do this work for my department of 600+ folks across the country. as you can imagine (or perhaps know from experience), something like this has to be planned to the finest detail. such planning requires untold hours of meetings and now you have a sense of what my life has been and will be like for the next few months.

it's been particularly at times like this over the course of the year that i wonder how i will be able to manage expending so much energy in the work setting without having opportunities to be revitalized outside of it? in fact not only am i not getting recharged in my off hours, there are many times during the weekday evenings and weekend hours that i am being further drained by the depressive thoughts and isolation i'm experiencing.

i am soooo tired. actually, weary would be a better word. i need some help and soon.

more from jason

another track from yes. i heard this song this morning and thought, "lovely sentiment. when did i stop believing this was true for my life?"

love someone - jason mraz

today is not a good day to be me

i am not feeling at all good about myself today. i continue to be haunted by my actions and the virtual conversations of yesterday. i certainly did not put my best self forward and i'm beginning to wonder if there is such a thing left in this broken mess that i am.

the events of yesterday have left me more confused than ever in how to conduct myself in this particular friendship. i've behaved so unfortunately that i'm now scared to reach out and say anything out of fear that i will just muck everything up.

i'd forgotten what a walking disaster i can be in terms of relationships with men. you would think my failure to sustain a marriage to one would be ample enough evidence, but certainly my conduct over the past year and yesterday in particular has added more proof to that perspective.

it's a shame really because i continue to really like this guy.

doing a complete 360

you know how when you're having this conversation with someone about some monumental change in condition or perspective in that person's life and to punctuate how significant the change is they will exclaim, "yeah, i've done a complete 360 on that issue." now, we know that they mean that they've done a 180 which would be a movement in the opposite direction from which they were previously oriented. to do a 360 would mean that they have made a complete circle and are literally back where they started. today, i felt like i had truly done a complete 360.

i am back in the similar place of pain and sadness that i was in a week ago this day. i am thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed of how i've conducted myself and reacted to someone who has only tried his best to be a friend to me. has it always been perfect, no. and i know that it has always been well intentioned. even so, i tread over ground that we've been over so many times this year, expressing the same doubts and jumping to the same unfortunate conclusions. and at the end of it all, i couldn't help but just shake my head in disbelief that i had devolved into a crazy lunatic once again.

the plain and simple truth is that the pain of loneliness is not going away. in fact, even as i develop new perspectives on life that i think will help me cope better, it doesn't seem to take more than a few days before it surges anew. not only is it not going away i feel this emotional pain is growing ever more acute. even as i type this the tears of frustration are commingled with this hurt that wants to burst out of my chest.

why does the world have to be such a lonely place for me? i just don't understand.

devaluing myself

something is happening. i don't think it's good. i've been having these thoughts of not feeling particularly good about myself. the first significant evidence of this feeling emerged when i was thinking about my friendship with sean. as i shared with him later, the reflection on our friendship left me, in a word, confused. my brain was having trouble wrapping itself around the concept of why he would want to be friends with me. i just couldn't quite get it.

today the thoughts of questioning what value i have have continued. a few moments ago, i was thinking of my pretty much broken relationship with my mother and that i have no contact with my extended family -- none. strangely enough, my next thought was about the fact that it was a good thing that i didn't want to have children because what would i have to offer them. they would not experience the richness of a family history or familial relationships.

these musings then led to the thought (perhaps inevitably, because it truly is kind of a chain reaction/stacked dominoes effect with me), "it's no wonder you're alone. you're a broken mess with very little to offer anyone." and of course, i'm back to the place where i see events that have and are happening through that lens. it goes kind of like this, "no wonder sean won't let you visit and the planned for meet ups have not happened. no wonder the connections you've attempted to make with other guys haven't worked out. what do you really have to give to anyone?"

it's strange. it's like i  don't see myself anymore. i have no sense of my identity and to use an oft used term, no feel for what i bring to the table. i see nothing but a form of a person reflected back at me when i look in the mirror -- this being that has a broken past, an empty present, and an unknown future.

as i said at the start, i don't think this is good to be thinking this way again. unfortunately, it's one habit i can't seem to break.

making peace with my sadness

yesterday, i had a pretty good day. i had reconnected with a truth and that occurrence brought a new perspective on how i viewed my life. i moved from feeling that my life was hopeless to recognizing that life always has an inherent potential to get better. and with that i felt a new energy and a kind of calm rested in my spirit. that was yesterday.

today, after a fitful sleep, i awoke feeling a little less than good (maybe more than just a little). it came down to what i shared with a friend of "having a case of the 'lonelies'."even with this experience of hurt over the feeling of being alone, i would have to admit that today was still a pretty good day. i guess it's because i've also realized that i need to make peace with the sadness.

what does that mean? well, over the course of the day, i realized that even with a different outlook on life, the actual present circumstances of my life have not changed. desiring to have significant meaning and connection in this world is intrinsic to the human condition. to be sad when you don't have that as a significant part of your life is normal.  combine that reality with the fact that my depression is as much biological in nature as it is circumstantial, i see that my experience with deep moments of sadness are going to remain with me for some time to come.

i just pray that i can keep close to heart the epiphany with which i opened this blog entry. life always has an inherent potential to get better -- even my life.

hope restored (hopefully)

to say that the days of this week have been a challenge would be the greatest of understatements. there were moments yesterday in which i literally did not think i would be here this morning to write this blog entry or for that matter ever again (actually, and those of you who visited during certain period yesterday can attest to this, we came very close to this blog not existing anymore). any moment that i was not focused in a meeting was filled with tears and deep emotional hurt and thoughts that i really should just end this already.

over the course of the day, i would send frantic texts to one of the very few friends i have right now (many of which i later learned he likely didn't receive -- f#@%ing technology!). he responded to some and not to many of the others. he tried to help from afar but the frantic mania continued he my mind and heart.

at the end of the day, i decided to stop by my local bookstore and then to get some takeout tex-mex. as i was winding down on a conference call, i decided to reach out once more to my friend. the conversation went something like this:

me: hey are you there? i think i'm losing my grip again. i guess this is my life now. every day a struggle not to kill myself.

friend: you must focus on the positive.

me: i am so lost right now and the positive is so hard to see. i'm leaving as soon as i'm off this conference call. what i'm doing i have no idea. and i can't imagine how i'm going to make it through the holidays.

at this point the conference call was over and i was packed up and walking out to my car when this seminal thought came to me and i continued the text dialogue:

me: i guess it all boils down to i have no clue of what i'm living for.

friend: i'm just sitting with people i do not like. hoping to have fun later.

by this time i had arrived at the bookstore parking lot, where strangely enough i've had a few text conversations with this particular friend. his observation resulted in the following response:

me: so my life is supposed to be about always hoping things will get better even with no evidence they ever will? you do realize you're supposed to be helping me to not want to kill myself?

at this point i didn't hear back from my friend for awhile, but that may have been good because the pause gave time for the truth of what i texted to settle in my mind, heart and spirit. at the time, all i really noticed was that my mood had shifted for the better, but i wasn't quite sure why. in this moment i see, and am more than slightly overwhelmed by the fact, that a great grace has been bestowed upon me through the insight gained from the question i posed to my friend.

what i've come to realize, yet again, (because my life seems to have a "lost and found" dynamic with this particular truth), the answer to that pivotal question posed via text in a bookstore parking lot is quite simply "yes." life is precisely about hoping for the best even when it seems very far away from you and all that you have in front of you are great disappointments and a broken spirit. in the language of another source of wisdom that i still pull from to guide my life, making it through this life is about having faith as defined thusly,

faith is the substance of things hoped for,

the evidence of things unseen

this re-connection to this vital perspective has had a quietly profound impact on me. i say quietly because it's not so much that i'm not still experiencing sadness about my current circumstances and more than a bit of concern with what my future looks like in terms of relationship and companionship. what has changed is that i have this sense that there is potential still for me to be happy. i don't know what that will look like, but i am open again to accepting whatever form that will take. and that even without that sense, i know i have to live my life as if i did have that belief in the potential for better days ahead.

i'm going to close this entry with a more specific example of this change in perspective. it involves my reaction to a particular song that's shared below. i know i've mentioned in a previous entry that i am waking up each morning to jason mraz's new album "yes" (and if you haven't purchased it yet, i'm not quite sure what you're waiting for). this song is the third song on the album, and within the lyric,s there is a repeated refrain of "and i know, i know, it's gonna be a good day." every day i've heard that lyric and felt a wave of sadness accompanied by thoughts to the effect of, "no, i really don't think so."

well, this morning the wave of sadness began, and just as the accompanying doubtful thought was emerging, another thought took its place. that new thought was as follows, "clarus, what's wrong with thinking that it is going to be a good day?" and you know what? i realized that there was nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.

hello, you beautiful thing - jason mraz

moment by moment on a razor's edge

i thought i should stop in here to see if this might help. i have less than 30 minutes to pull myself together before my first meeting of the day and i just don't know how. i keep hearing my voice inside saying over and over that i can't do this anymore.

 20 minutes to go and i'm texting like an idiot, begging to be heard. god what is wrong wtih me?

15 minutes and i'm feeling my defense mechanism trying to kick in. the one that shuts every emotion in me down and i become dead inside once again. but the pain is so intense it's not working.

10 minutes and a razor thin thread of hope emerges. try to believe the friendship is intact. that he does still care about you. that you haven't lost another one. that it all hasn't been a lie.

7 minutes and i close my eyes and say a faulty prayer that even though it feels like that even god has not abandoned me.

5 minutes and it feels as if i'm on a razor's edge between sanity and complete madness.

3 minutes and dark visions loom even larger in my mind showing me there is a way to end the pain once and for all.

2 minutes and another email chime comes through reminding me of this relentless stream of work that just doesn't stop and i feel wholly inadequate to deal with.

1 minute and i think as i have so many times, all i wanted was a friend. all i wanted from life is to be happy.

time's up.

unprepared

i'm about to enter a work day for which i do not feel even remotely emotionally prepared. i think the key signs were the fact that i was crying before leaving and crying when i got to my office. my day is pretty much back to back meetings starting at 8:00 a.m. having been out the office for five days now, i have 350 emails to go through. those emails signify who knows how many phone calls to return, decisions to be made, materials to be reviewed, and so forth.

i'm just in one of those times that existing is just pain-filled. it may sound strange but it's like the physical contact of my body with the space around me hurts. and yet i want nothing more at this moment than to have someone hold me and tell me that things will get better.

outwardly, i am dressed crisply in a blue button down polo shirt and some charcoal grey tweed-like pants with matching wool socks and shiny black oxfords. inwardly, i am curled up in the fetal position on the ground of this metaphorical forest in which i've been lost for far longer than i thought i would be.

it's hard not to feel as if i'm being punished in some way. at the very least, i do feel abandoned. and even as a very, very small number of people attempt to reach out to me, it's as if they don't really see me or hear me or understand me. i'm not sure if anyone ever has or ever will.

it's colder and darker in this forest and any hope of rescue or escape has left me. i am not going to make it out of this place.

and there's the 15 minute reminder that my first schedule appointment is just ahead.

this is not the life i thought i would have.

can't escape

the negative thoughts keep coming. i can't seem to escape them. they pile on me to a point where i feel as if i'm being suffocated by despair. i have no hope or belief that my life will get better. i'm going to die in this darkened place aren't i? i'm going to die and no one will know. i will be gone and no one will care. i will be forgotten and the universe will smile.

motivation required

didn't make it into work today. actually, i haven't gotten out of bed yet. i guess the first trick to that is wanting to. a similar challenge to my feelings about living as well.

dwindling away

i see the number of page views per day continue to dwindle and in the state i'm in it makes me feel that no one really cares. that i am utterly alone. that my life truly does not matter.

very, very scared

last night i had a pretty bad emotional meltdown and unfortunately i'm not doing any better today. what sparked it was coming to the realization that the holidays are ahead and feeling that i could not make it through another holiday season like the one i barely made it through last year. every time i start to think about that possibility, i have this extreme panicked feeling and i'm pushed to the brink of tears (and often over -- like now). i just don't know what i'm going to do. i just don't. and i'm very, very scared.

the difference a year makes

well, it's that time of year again -- time for the fashion doll collector's convention that i have attended for the last five years. i've just finished unpacking and i'm waiting for room service to arrive  with my lunch. i just looked at the past couple of years' entries in this blog that commented on the start of this event. after reading them, all i can think is, "my, oh my, how times have changed."

in each year's entry, the person who wrote those blogs is brimming over with excitement and anticipation about the events that are about to come. at least at this writing, that person didn't make the trip to convention this year. instead, i find myself feeling quite weary and depressed and wondering if it would be possible to go through much of this experience without actually having to engage with anyone else.

it's a shame really. i have friends that i get to see at this event each year whose company i truly enjoy. i guess i'm feeling that in the state i'm in, i can't possibly be the person that they are used to seeing and having a fun time with. i feel so broken and empty that i'm literally questioning how i will make it through this event. having a good time is not even on the radar screen.

i am thinking about the fact that last year's event was one of the last moments of pure, unadulterated fun that i can remember having over the past year. what a sad, sad year this has been. and the vision of better days ahead still remains beyond my sightline.

old pictures

i stumbled on some pictures on my phone earlier today. they were from christmas two years ago. i spent that holiday with my ex. it's strange to see pictures that you realize that, since it is your phone, you must have taken part in the particular event, but you have no distinct memory of what transpired.

this year as last, i will be here alone for the holidays. there will be no pictures of activities for me to forget that i participated. is that a good thing?

stuck

here's a nice song. great sentiments. i just keep wondering what it means when you can't seem to get past the first thing.

3 things - jason mraz

2014: worst year of my life?

well, we've still got a little over two months to go, but so far, it's got a pretty commanding lead.

i don't want to be here

i don't want to be here anymore.

what i'm listening to now

every morning i wake up to music (unless i'm traveling as is the case now). the album that is my current rotation is jason mraz's latest, yes! the following song is one of my favorites on that particular cd. i look forward to getting back to it.

best friend - jason mraz

i think i may have shared this before

not too much to share today. i'm out of town on business again. i'm not feeling too good about my life again. i'm not hopeful that things will be any different anytime soon if ever. if anything changes, i'll get back to you.

seeing something i know so well for the very first time

i've listened to and sung along with this song so many times. today, as it came to mind in relation to a certain recent experience, i realized that as much as i thought i knew it, i have an entirely new way of seeing and experiencing it. part of me wishes that wasn't the case.

bring me to life - evanescence

clear skies, overcast heart

it feels as if i'm entering another dark period where i seem almost entirely out of step with what's going on in the world around me. i don't feel particularly good about life in general and my life specifically. and as i've expressed before, that feeling alone is challenging enough. the fact that i have no idea how or when or even if it will ever change is what is the truly disheartening part.

it's been a year of feeling pretty much this way. as i shared with sean last night, i am so tired of feeling like this and i really don't think i can do this much longer. i seem to say that every day and every night and another day and another night come and go and the feeling is the same.

i used to believe that i could be happy. what is my life if i no longer have that belief?

please prove me wrong

i'm not having the best of days today. i woke up feeling a bit off and over the course of the morning that "bit off" has morphed into "not all that great," and i'm concerned where i will be by the time i leave the office today. maybe i should have realized that after thinking through the emotion of yesterday and coming to the conclusion that, "maybe i should just accept that i'm never going to be happy," that this was not exactly going to be a banner day.

so, as grateful as i am for what happened on friday, there is a part of me that feels as if maybe it would have been better if it had not taken place at all if that is all there will be of it. because now i find myself back in that place where i am almost in direct communion with my brokenness. it feels as if my internal self is completely embodying the emotional pain and it's at moments like this that if i could will myself to dissipate into my constituent atoms and just blow away in the wind never to be seen or heard from or thought of again, i probably would.

and yet i know what i really want is not to vanish but to experience more of what happened friday or really what i thought friday was leading to. i had so hoped it would be the beginning of something more. but my past experiences have made me doubt that something good happening in my life is really not possible.

maybe i wasn't so off with my thought earlier today, but i so would love to be proved wrong.

i wonder?

i wonder when, this side of death, the pain of my daily living will end?

i wonder when something that felt so right and good and true in a shadowed moment remains the same in the light of day the next day and the day after that and the day after that?

i wonder when the people who tell me to trust them, to believe them that they will remain in my life are actually there a week, a month, a year later?

i wonder when i will stop having these times when i feel that life is just about disappointment?

i wonder when i will stop questioning what is the point, where is the meaning, why am i continuing on?

i wonder when i won't feel so very, very, very alone?

i wonder if such a life could ever happen for me?

a couple of moments in time

this past friday i had an experience that was intense and sweet and over much too soon. i've thought about those moments all through this weekend and i would have to say the biggest struggle that i am having is when or even if such moments will happen again. it feels almost cruel to experience something so nice, a hint of something that you know you've desperately needed, and yet to have no sense or confidence whether you will ever see this person or have those kind of moments again.

i had a similar though more limited experience about a year ago. at the time, i believed that it would not be the last. still, as the days following turned into weeks and into months and now into almost a year, my belief has waned, and i have had to accept that that moment is past and may not come again. and so it is with what occurred two scant days ago.

i think accepting what may never be again is difficult enough. the questioning of whether my life will only be these kinds of solitary, isolated moments is what has truly made my heart very heavy this day.

should i be concerned....?

so i'm back home for the next few days with another trip for work in the week ahead. yesterday, on the plane ride back, i was doing some work and listening to my the carpenters playlist on my ipod. i tend to like have familiar music playing in the background as i'm reading. so as i'm perusing a research study on a particular subject we are discussing incorporating in our menu of services in my department, i hear the song i need to be in love come streaming through my earbuds. when karen gets to the chorus and trills, "i know i need to be in love" with that amazingly lush voice of hers, i find myself having a kind of visceral, repulsed gut reaction accompanied by the thought, "well i'm not sure i "need" to be in love. i don't think it's really love that i'm looking for anymore."

given that this is not the usual response i have to this song, i paused for a second and wondered, "should i be concerned that i'm not looking for love anymore?" upon arrival and standing at baggage claim, i continued my earlier reflection with the thoughts, "and is it that i just don't want a love relationship or do i no longer believe that such a relationship is possible for my life?'

i believe i've shared here before that my interest in having an exclusive, monogamous, romantic relationship is pretty much nonexistent at this point. in fact, rather than having a "boyfriend" i'd rather have a "guyfriend" (or two or three) that i hang out with doing things like meeting for coffee, going to a movie or show, catching a bite to eat with some physical intimacy as a part of the menu. no living together, no feeling disappointed because you didn't get flowers on valentine's day, no going to boring events because you have to support your hubby, and no having to put up with unacceptable behavior or treatment because you're "in a relationship."

now, some folks that i know would tell me that what i'm describing comes more from my experience of a relationship and that not all relationships have the "no features" i described above as an intrinsic dynamic. perhaps they are right. i don't really know. what i do know is that when it comes to "love" my heart appears to be closed for business. at the same time, i also know that i am tired of being alone.

another suitcase packed

so i'm back out on the road again. it's the first of three trips in three weeks. the first two are for business and the last is personal time off to go to the annual collectors convention i've been attending over the last five years.

this first trip is a little different in that i'm actually presenting at a meeting about work that i'm leading at my company. it's certainly very flattering to have been asked to share about what we're doing and what we've learned along the way. hopefully, the meeting conveners and the attendees will feel my presentation is useful and is time well spent. while i would say that i'm looking forward to the discussion, i also have to say that emotionally i'm feeling kind of flat.

i would say that the recognition of my current emotional state happened yesterday. after a long day of travel and some confusion about my rental car (assistant booked at a company other than the one i normally use and have a membership with), i dragged into the hotel around 10 pm and just felt what i can only describe as not really present. i had been venting via text with my friend sean about my traveling travails and when that was done, i just kind of noticed that something didn't feel quite right. i was in this kind of not particularly enthused about being here but not feeling as if there's anywhere else i'd rather be instead.

last night i chalked the feeling up to be related to my normal not liking to be away from my own bed perspective that occurs whenever i travel (and the more i've traveled, the more pervasive that perspective has become). today though, i'm wondering if it's more related to some brief encounters and reflections i had yesterday.

when i got to the airport yesterday, while racing to get into the terminal and up to check-in, i passed a man and a woman in a deep embrace. when i got closer, i could tell that the man was hugging the woman intensely and they were both crying. being the kind of person that speculates, well, about everything, i immediately started playing different scenarios in my head. maybe they were lovers sad about having to be apart for an extended period. maybe they were siblings grateful for the opportunity to see one another and sad that it was over too soon. maybe they were friends and one had experienced a recent loss and had come to visit to begin to heal from the grief. in any event, i was moved by this display a deep and honest emotion borne in an obvious strong bond between the two.

interestingly enough, still on my way to check-in, i witnessed yet another encounter. this time it was what appeared to be a family happily greeting a traveler who had just arrived from places unknown to me. i have no idea if the person was family or friend, but any one within viewing or hearing distance could tell that they all were delighted to see one another.

after checking my bag and going breezily through security (hooray for tsa pre-check), i settled into a restaurant for a quick before flight lunch. sitting there waiting for my burger and fries, i decided to send sean a text to say hello and let him know that my travels had just begun. for some reason the thought came to me of why would i bother him with something so trivial. i think it's the answer that came back to me compounded with what i just witnessed that may have something to do with my current emotional state. the answer i gave myself was basically that he was one of only a small number of people in this whole wide world who i thought might care enough about me to want to know (and i mean less than a handful).

it was a melancholy moment but brief. almost like a pinprick to my heart. funny though how even the smallest of holes to the heart can grow into something more. i guess when there's so much hurt to work with it's only natural.

you know how you know ...?

you know how you know you truly consider someone a friend? it's when you're having a really shit moment and you just wish right then and there you could be with that person talking through it over a nice cup of coffee (or stronger beverage).

that one's for you sean.

the story of my life

i just had a moment of sad contemplation in the shower and rather than waiting until tomorrow to write about it, i thought it best to just get it out of my system now. you see, i recently stopped participating in a venue that i had been somewhat active in over the past few months. as a result and as i suspected would happen, i have not heard much from the people i interacted with in that setting. in fact, it's actually been quite some time since i've interacted with most of them.

as i just shared, this change was not unexpected. in fact, it reminds me of a similar circumstance that happened almost a decade ago, in which i stopped going to a certain parish. though i was friends with several of those individuals outside of the church setting, because i was no longer in the setting in which we all met and that provided us with at least weekly contact, i stopped hearing from pretty much all of them. and this was not a gradual change. no, it was pretty immediate.

and so it is in this instance. no this was not an unexpected result nor is the hurt that i'm feeling now. people leave. i'm alone. it's the story of my life.

a precarious place

this has been a pretty strange day. i've had moments where i've actually felt pretty good -- like almost normal. and then i've had moments where my heart feels like it's been ripped in two and all the life has poured out of me. i don't know if this means i'm getting better or if this is just a momentary respite before i tumble down into an even deeper emotional pit.

it does feel like i've reached another clearing in this figurative forest that has surrounded and confounded me at every turn. but while i can feel a bit of the sun and light above me, i look ahead and all around me and all i see is dark forest for miles. and i also know that this is not the kind of clearing that exists in perpetuity. either i will be pushed onward along whatever trail that leads me through the darkness again or the trees will slowly encroach on me and claim me again.

and yet again i find myself in a place where i wonder if i will ever know peace or joy or love again. and with that thought, i think i just felt the rustle of the trees and a shadow pass over my heart.

do yourself a favor

so today is national coming out day in the united states, and as someone who has been out for fifteen years of my own life, i would be remiss if i didn't take the opportunity on this blog to encourage anyone who is struggling with their sexual identity to embrace and be proud of who you are. even if you only "come out" to yourself, you will have made a tremendous step to a better life. accepting within myself that i was gay was the most difficult aspect of my coming out journey and the reason it took so long for me to do so. letting so much of my life pass by before accepting who i am is one of the deep regrets of my life.

and if you are already at the point of acceptance within yourself but have not shared this gift you have with anyone else, i encourage you to find a friend or family member who you know cares about you and you can trust to speak your personal truth aloud. you will be amazed at how liberating it feels to overcome your fear and let the light of revelation into that very dark, secret corner of your soul.

so whether to yourself, one person, or even many people, use this special day to begin a new, better phase of your life. remember, you deserve to be happy and loved and knowing yourself and letting others know the full you is a vital part of making that happen.

moss free

over the past couple of weeks, i've had the opportunity to share the somewhat peripatetic nature of my life (for those who are new, i've lived in 7 states and 17 different domiciles (and counting) in my almost 50 years on this earth). today presented another such opportunity in a meeting with a group of consultants that are working with us on a large project.

upon hearing the statistics i shared above, one of the consultants stated, "well, you know the saying, a rolling stone gathers no moss." to which i responded, "in that case, i am most assuredly moss free."

later, as i contemplated the exchange, i couldn't help but thinking, yet again, that while most of the movement has been prompted by seeking out new career opportunities, when all is said and done, have i lost more than i've gained as a result. in other words, maybe having a little moss would be a fair exchange for a sense of home and belonging in the world.

how will i ever?

it's back again. a heart and mind filled with questioning and doubting. feelings of being inadequate and incapable of coping with all of this stuff that makes up this thing called life. alone and isolated. feeling forgotten and unwanted. it all has come crashing down around me. and i wonder how will i ever be able to get out of bed tomorrow or really ever?

it's a good thing

today is one of those days when i think, "it's a good thing the windows of my office are sealed shut because sailing out of one them sure seems tempting right about now."

so here's the gist of how i'm doing. i'm still experiencing pain in my lower back and now my hip has seemed to join the action. i have a meeting of this project committee that i've just been named to that judging by the last meeting (my first) and the materials that were distributed this morning for today's meeting, it is not likely to be a good experience. meanwhile, i'm trying to sort through how we are going to accomplish all of this work that we need to get done over the next few days and my "mental sorter" seems to be malfunctioning (i guess it doesn't help that i am hopped up on pain relievers).

in short, this is a miserable, miserable day. then again, it seems as if that's the recurring theme for this year with no sign of change in the foreseeable future. i guess it's also a good thing that my home is only a two story.

lost and trapped

i'm starting to not like sundays. at least the kind of sundays i have been having of late.

on this most recent sunday, i was having a continuation of the "drug induced existentialism" that i wrote about in my blog entry on saturday. in addition, i was experiencing the normal sunday pattern of feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work i had awaiting me in the work week to come. "how could i possibly get through the week feeling the way i do now?" i asked myself for what seems like the umpteenth time. it was bad enough to be struggling with the depression, but the back pain on top of it left me feeling utterly defeated and incapable.

i guess the good news is that i work up this morning feeling that i could at least get out of the bed and go into the day. the not as good news is that my back is still achy and my mood as the morning moves on feels a bit wobbly (i thought about writing "shaky" but rolled my eyes at the unintentional rhyming pattern that would have resulted. if that's your thing though please feel free to make the word substitution).

the reality is that i have in fact more than made it through every work week that i did not think i could possibly make it through on the sunday preceding it. and yet on every sunday following i feel that there has been even more of me lost in this whole process of my life.

it's like, in addition to that "lost in the woods" feeling i've described before, i feel trapped in the woods as well. it"s as if no matter how far i manage to travel through the woods, they continue to extend farther and farther around me still. and at the end of the week, all i have for my effort is fatigue, heartache, and lost hope.

and the feeling that the time would be better spent digging a deep hole, climbing in it, and pulling the dirt back around me. it feels like my broken spirit has already done so. maybe the rest of me should just go ahead and join it.

drug induced existentialism

today i've learned that muscle relaxers and depression are not a good combination. one would suspect that it would have mellowed me out. instead it's put me in a state where i am questioning even more why am i here and what is happening with my life. i don't feel good at all about who or where i am in life. on top of it all i'm dealing with this physical pain in my back.

another weekend lost to sadness and/or illness. i wonder how many that is this year? i may not have the quantitative answer, but i do the qualitative one. far, far, far too many.

more aching

so today i was in an all-day project meeting. and through it all my back was in some degree of pain, running the gamut from noticeable discomfort to excruciating pain. at one moment, i stated aloud that i think i was going to have someone take me out back and shoot me to put me out of my misery.

it's bad enough that i have to deal with emotional heartache, does my back really have to go out now as well?

my smiling young man

i had an interesting dream last night. from what i remember, it started out as a road trip with a group of friends from different points in my life. i'm not sure where we were going or what the purpose of the trip was. i just know that the dream involved our stopping at some souvenir shop along the way.

as tends to happen, the group pretty much dispersed upon entering the store. i imagine we were each intent on discovering what little trinkets or baubles would suit our fancy for remembering this trip. as i wandered through the store, i happened upon some items (i have no idea what at the present time) that caught my eye on the bottom shelf of some display. so i knelt down to get a closer look.

as i was crouched down, i heard a voice above and behind me say something to the effect of "so you like those do you?" assuming it was a salesperson, i looked up to respond. as i turned in the direction from which the inquiry came, i saw standing over me, smiling one of the sweetest smiles i could imagine, a young man (i say "young" in a relative sense, i remember guessing that he was in his early 30's) with dark wavy hair, in a white shirt, grey tweed jacket and jeans (don't remember the shoes), who was clearly not a salesperson.

surprised that he wasn't who i was expecting him to be, i managed to stammer out something like, "yes, they're very nice." he then said something like, "hmm, can i join you to take a closer look." "sure," was my only response, not really quite sure what exactly was happening. as he crouched down next to me, he picked up one of the items, looked it over and said, "yeah these are nice," and then staring me straight in the eyes, and still smiling that smile but now with a bit of a mischievous glint in his eyes, he said, "but you know what would be even nicer is if you would tell me how i can get your phone number?"

i then remember staring at him in a way that i'm sure was a mixture of confusion and disbelief and saying, "are you trying to ask me out?" and his saying in response, "well, yeah if you'll let me." so i kind of chuckled and said, "do you have any idea how old i am?" to which he responded without missing a beat, "i'm assuming old enough to go out with me." this elicited more laughter from me and another comment of, "well, i'm likely almost old enough to be your father." again, without hesitation, my young would be suitor said, "well that may be. all i know is i like what i see." we both laughed at that point and then he said, "so how about that phone number?"

i wasn't really sure what to do at that point not having any prior experience with this type of encounter. i finally said, "well, i don't have a pen or paper" and in a flash he was up running over to the sales counter, grabbed a pen and a tore a piece of paper off one of those free newspapers that are always at the front of these kinds of stores, and back to me with a, "here you go." so i thought, "what the hell?", and wrote down my number and folded the paper and handed it to him. but as i was doing so, i missed his hand and dropped the paper to the ground. naturally, we both reached down to pick it up and in doing so bumped our heads together and literally fell over one another onto the floor.

we both started laughing hysterically, and as we disentangled from our collective heap, i just felt this urge to reach from behind him and hug him. so i did. and in response i heard this what can only be described as a slight purr of satisfaction and he leaned back into me so my arms could hold him even tighter, which i did. so there we were on the floor of this souvenir store, two strangers in a fairly intimate embrace.

it was at this point that i looked up and saw one of my friends standing over, staring down with this more than slightly bemused smile. no words were exchanged about what he had happened to stumble upon. i could just tell that he was pleased with what he saw. suddenly, my friend and i heard our other friends calling out saying they were ready to leave now and that if we didn't get a move on, they were leaving without us.

so a rushed "nice meeting you and goodbye" was said to my smiling young man, and my friend and i raced out to the parking lot to pile into the car with the rest of our group. but as my friend continued ahead, i found myself just frozen in my tracks in the middle of the parking lot with a rush of confused emotion pouring into me. i realized that i didn't even know the guy's name and this feeling of doubt and gloom that nothing was going to come of that brief encounter started coming over me.

suddenly, from behind me, i felt this rush of someone running up to me and shoving a scrap of paper in my hand and then running off. as i turned i could see my smiling young man still smiling, looking back at me, waving and then running to join his friends to head out to parts unknown.

i looked down at the folded piece of paper in my hand and saw that it was similar to the one i had given him with my phone number. i wondered for a moment if he was just returning my number to me as a sign that, after further thought, he really wasn't interested.

so i opened the folded paper and there was a hastily scrawled note that said, "it was really nice to spend time with you, and i look forward to talking with you soon. btw, my name is . . .   " and then i woke up.

forgetting/forgotten

last night was a difficult night. i got home from work at about 7:00 and went into my usual after work ritual -- changed clothes, heated up some leftovers, fired up my laptop, and turned on some smooth jazz on pandora (sometimes its watch a tv program on bravo or hgtv). it turns out though what i mostly did was just kind of stare at the wall. after about an hour or so of that scintillating activity, i went upstairs and got ready for bed.

following my shower, putting on my sleeping clothes, and climbing under the covers, i resumed the work i started downstairs (this time i added the ceiling as an object of my gazing). at a certain point, i thought to myself, "why does it feel as if the world has forgotten me?"

i think i was trying to say that on a day to day basis (outside of the work setting at least) i have very few signs that anyone knows or cares that i'm in the world. and all of the contact i do have comes via some form of electronic communication. i think the last time i talked with a friend face to face was back in august and prior to that we would have to go back to december for that kind of experience. sometimes there's no contact from anyone at all. and it's been that way for quite some time.

the even more troubling dynamic is that i seem to be forgetting myself that i am here or at least my purpose or role in the world outside of my work identity. so i literally step out of work and it's like, "umm what am i supposed to do now?" it's also this feeling of forgetting who i am and knowing who i'm supposed to be. and so if i'm even forgetting me, i guess it shouldn't be any surprise that others are as well.

and so it continues....

does it count?

i think i may have lied to sean in a text exchange this morning. you see, i was sharing that i had a bit of an emotional meltdown last night, but thought i was over the worst of it. sitting here at my desk, i can tell that i'm really not. does it count as a lie if you believed what you were saying to be true at the time?

blank

a description for how i feel inside. a description for how my vision for my future. a description for my outlook on life. a description for my view of hope that any of this will be better. "e" all of the above.

fear of an aimless life

i woke up this morning feeling as if i had no life in me. i assumed that my condition had resulted from a very full week of activity. i had hoped that as the day progressed the situation would improve.

it hasn't.

i tried to take a nap and only got about 40 minutes of sleep. and somehow i have this sense that it really doesn't matter how much sleep i get. this feeling of having no life in me will remain.

at this week's therapy session, i made this statement about the relentless solitary nature of my life. that it feels as if it's only me isolated and apart from life with nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one to know or be known by. so in response, dr s asked me what i would rather be doing instead. i pondered his question for a few moments and found myself sharing that absolutely nothing came to mind. i had no remote idea of not only what i wanted from life but what was even possible for me to have.

i continue to navigate this life without a map or a compass -- no sense of where i'm supposed to be going or really what i'm doing.

i guess it's no wonder that i rely on work so much. with the plans and projects, it provides some sense of purpose or, if not purpose, at least direction. and this also explains why when there are setbacks or the unexpected happens at work, the experience affects me so deeply. it's the feeling of losing the one sense of certainty that exists in my life, the one anchor that provides me with a sense that my life has some purpose or meaning. without it i feel as if i'm completely adrift in an absolutely aimless life.

as was shared a week or so ago, i recently had that type of unexpected occurrence at work and with it, that same sense of being utterly lost consumed me. over the course of this week, i've reconnected with the sense of purpose -- a connection that admittedly does feel somewhat tenuous. and, truth be told, i know i live with a certain fear that, with the chaos and frenzied pace at work, i will lose the connection again. and because i think i've lost almost all hope that with respect to the rest of my life i will know what i should want or what i should seek, what will happen to me if i do. will i be able to find my way back again? will i want to?

an unnecessary reminder

i ordered pizza delivery for dinner tonight. when the delivery guy arrived, he greeted me outside the front door by saying, "how are you guys doing tonight?" when he left, his parting statement was, "you guys have a great weekend."

as i carried my dinner to the kitchen, i realized that he must have assumed that there was another person here because i had ordered two beverages. 

yeah, well there's no "you guys" here. there's just me.

an unending string

every day goes by now in what feels like an unending string of sadness and emptiness. sure there are activities during the course of the work week and i may even manage to get out and run an errand or do some shopping on the weekends, but there is no resonant connection to any of it within me.

and every day that passes in this way, i feel a little less present, a little less a part of a world in which i have tended to feel like a stranger for much of my life. i'm not sure if i even think about getting better anymore. i think that this is my life and i wonder if it is possible to die from loneliness and depression.

fading light

it continues to amaze me how much i can accomplish when i feel so empty inside. today at work i somehow yet again managed to step in the role of leader/manager and move several bodies of work forward. normally, i would feel some level of satisfaction about the day's events and outcomes, but now i don't really feel much of anything.

i'm not sure how to describe in any additional detail what i'm experiencing. it just doesn't feel good. and the only thing worse is the idea is feeling like this is the best that things will get for the remainder of my life. another day goes by and the light of a better day gets dimmer. how long before it goes completely out?

collapsing

it feels as if my heart is collapsing inward -- like my emotional self is just retreating ever increasingly within myself. and like the collapsing star that results in a black hole, my outlook is growing ever more cold and dark. i am close to giving up on the fact that i will ever be understood or welcome in this world. and that isolation will be my lot in life for however much longer that may be. this has really not been a good year.

i think it may be time to end another relationship

as readers of this blog over the past few months are aware, i have been seeing a therapist to assist with the emotional struggles i've been going through -- struggles that are rapidly approaching their one year anniversary as current, conscious issues. while i have dealt with depression for a good portion of my life, the recent bout began in the september/october time frame.

i have appreciated the discussions i've had with dr. s. i've found him to be a kind and supportive person who has been very much engaged in our sessions together. and i think i'm going to stop seeing him.

frankly, i'm just tired of talking about all of this stuff. i just don't have it in me anymore.

i had this experience at work late friday afternoon, following which i just started questioning why am i even doing what i'm doing. nothing about my life seems to make any sense.

i'm just so, so very tired of it all. and alone to boot.

emotional amnesia

yesterday in my therapy session, i had what i would characterize as a fairly bizarre experience. for the entire session, the dialogue was me struggling to describe how i was feeling and what i was experiencing over the course of the week and dr. s attempting to help me draw connections to what i was trying to express.

the element that earned the descriptor "bizarre" was the fact that as dr. s would describe to me what he thought i was feeling and while i could hear and understand the words there was no resonance with them in my heart and mind. the way i described what i was experiencing to dr.s was that it was what i imagine people who are suffering from amnesia must deal with when speaking with someone that knows them who is describing some activity or past event from their shared experiences. the person may know conceptually what's being described but they have no memory or personal connection to the particular event. it's like they might be able to imagine what's being described but it would be like reading a book about someone else's experiences.

try as i did, i could not break through this dynamic. i knew it would be a tough session. i just didn't realize that what would make it so challenging was that i would be so disconnected from my own emotions. yesterday i wrote about feeling as if no one could see, hear or understand me. little did i know that i would find out later that "no one" applies even to me.

a lunch time lament

it's lunch time, and i'm sitting here at my desk as i have for so many lunches before and will likely do with so many hence. i've just finished wolfing down my sandwich, chips and drink and have been checking up on some emails before diving back into the work of the day. i felt this would also be a good time to do a blog entry, primarily because i'm not sure if will be able to for the rest of the day.

i write that statement, not so much because there may not be time to do so later, but rather because i'm not sure the motivation and energy will be there later. as of this writing, i can tell that my mood, which is already subdued and solemn, is declining as the day progresses and i am not entirely certain as to the reason why.

it is possible it could be related to the fact that i have a therapy session later in the day and that i'm anticipating that it will be another challenging one. it could be, at least in part, related to the fact that i am tired from it being a pretty intense week at work (which will continue after this momentary pause for blog writing) and i have not gotten an extensive amount of sleep at night.

really, i have no idea for the exact cause, but i do know how i'm feeling. i am experiencing one of those moments when my life just feels acutely painful. where just the thought of where i am in my life just brings tears to my eyes and intense aching to the depths of my heart. and while i am, to a certain degree, physically tired, that state does not even begin to compare to the weariness of spirit that pervades my being. and in roughly ten minutes it will be time to go back to being the boss and leader that folks expect me to be.

i continue to wonder how much longer i'm going to be able to handle all of this, to keep moving when all i want to do is give up on life. in a recent conversation with sean, i stated that i needed him to be able to see me. lately, it doesn't feel as if i'm really seen or heard or understood by anyone at all. there's just me, alone, in pain, and without hope.

not believing in much

so the days amble on and with each one there seems to be another little piece of myself that i'm losing. this morning over breakfast i found myself thinking about a comment that i made several weeks ago about september, and in that reflection came the stark realization that what i had believed would indeed not be coming to pass. a slight surge happened in the undercurrent of sadness that has been running deep in my soul. a surge and then the waters subsided to their steady, continuous flow.

as i moved on from breakfast and lumbered into my car to leave for work, i thought about the loss of the belief in that hoped for september and was confronted yet again with the perspective of whether i should continue to believe that there will be any such "septembers" in my future. and as i let go of yet another belief, i then thought, "i guess there's really not much i'm believing in these days."

where do those lost hopes, dreams, and beliefs actually go i wonder? perhaps they are washed away with the surge.

looking for witnesses

did anyone get the license plate of the emotional truck that ran over me? if you did, please track them down and tell them to come back and finish the job. apparently, i'm still breathing -- barely and painfully.

denser and darker

i have to say that i'm really ready for my mondays not to start off in this way. woke up, following a decent night's sleep, feeling somewhat better physically. sure, there was a bit of sinus drainage and my chest felt a bit scratchy, but my back felt much better and on the whole  i was doing much better physically. as for how i was doing emotionally, well that was (and still is) a different story and goes back to the comment that led off this entry.

sadly, i'm starting off the week pretty much with the same challenged state of mind that i have begun too many weeks with this year. i'm discouraged, confused, and entirely lacking in confidence that things will get better.

as to the concept of "better," i had one of my "lost the plot of life" moments in the midst of an online conversation last night with a new friend named jay. typing away on my laptop slumped in my living room couch, i shared that it feels that when it comes to this improved state, i have no vision of it whatsoever or as gertrude stein so famously stated, "there is no there there." as the conversation continued, i tapped into this view of my interior self and saw that i was so bereft of hope that i truly questioned why i was living. it was another one of those times that i just asked, "really, what is the point of all this anyway? why am i even bothering to get up and go out into the world? can i really keep doing this?"

but moving out i have indeed, into another week full of busy activity, but that's my exterior self. my interior self continues to mire in a wood that is growing ever denser and darker and the path for escaping is nowhere to be found.

a shift of the heart

it's interesting. i've shared that i've had a recent experience that sent emotional shockwaves through my psyche, unearthing past and continuing hurts that exist across the entire terrain of my life. today, i returned to the venue in which that experience occurred (in fact i'm in there now), having agreed with the other party to put the past behind us and start over with a clean slate.

i am a big believer in the power of forgiveness and also recognize it is more of a process than a simple discrete event. this perspective being noted, i have to say that i was able to return with no bad feelings or ill will. and despite being well down the path of forgiveness, i can tell there has also been a change in my outlook and viewpoint. i do not feel a part of the group in the way that i had previously. i should also note before i continue any further that this new feeling is solely related to changes that have taken place in me. the people who take part are still the kind, welcoming people they've always been. i'm the one who is different.

there has been a definite shift in my heart. now while up to this point,  i have been referring to my current state as a change it's really a reversion. i have always felt out of synch with most of the world around me (and if you have been a reader of this blog for any appreciable amount of time, that statement is most definitely not "news"). for a period of time, i had participated in this particular group with a sense of belonging. the experience and hurt resulting from what i ultimately characterize as a breach of trust has resulted in my heart shifting back to its steady state -- wary and isolated.

as a result, while i will continue to participate, i can't imagine that i will ever feel as if i belong there. it's really not all that strange actually. in fact, i'm quite used to it.

one for the record books

in the annals of my life history, this year will be recorded and remembered as one of the most difficult of my existence. and that's saying something looking back over my past and given that there are still three and a half months left to 2014. i have no idea if or when there will be better days ahead. i just pray that things don't get any worse.

not a good combination

so it's day four of being sick physically and unwell emotionally. mix that with a very busy week at work and not sleeping well and you've got the makings of a most unpleasant week. one more day to get through. i'm just not sure if i will be walking into the weekend or carried in on a stretcher. so not having fun right now.

someone please come find me

i spent the day at home yesterday still not feeling well in body or spirit. had an interaction that led to my going to bed last night not feeling all that great about myself. i woke up this morning, got out of bed with my lower back in quite a bit of pain. so now i'm lying here with the heating pad on, hoping that with the advil some lessening of the pain will happen in the hour or so before i need to leave for work.

this has really not been my week and it's only wednesday. i'm tired and severely depressed and now in some substantial physical pain to boot. i've got a mountain of work awaiting me and staying out of the office another day to recover is not an option. my outlook on life continues to deteriorate much like the gradual disintegration my body seems to be making.

it's getting darker in these woods of mine. i can't seem to find the path out and help or hope seems nowhere to be found.

not well, not well at all

this was the response i gave in a text message inquiry from sean as to how i was doing. at the time i was referring solely to my emotional state, but over the course of the morning my physical state seems to have declined as well.

i have no idea to what degree the two states are related. i just know that i'm depressed. my body aches. i'm coughing with quite a bit of phlegm and a runny nose. and i'm really, really tired. i'm writing this from my bedroom having left work early and i'm about to take a nap.

it's my hope that when i awake i will feel better and be on the road to recovery. while i have a certain amount of confidence for my physical state, i feel that the journey to "better" will be a much longer one.

off script

i keep forgetting that when people ask how you're doing, unless the answer is "great," they really don't want to know.

here, you drive

there are moments in the midst of all the advice i get for what i need to do to get better when i wish that i could just hand over the keys of my life to the advice giver and say, "here you go, take the keys. you drive. you seem to have a much better idea of what to do with my life than i do. go ahead take the wheel and do what you need to. do" i just seem to be running this thing into one ditch after the other anyway.

nothing new to report

another long day of work. another long evening alone. i'm wondering if every entry from here should just be entitled "ditto."

no one ever comes for me

a truth. a reality. my epitaph.

torturing myself vicariously

i seem to have this uncanny ability, no matter how bad i am feeling, to find some additional opportunity to make me feel worse. so this weekend, a friend shared that he had his first sleep over experience with the guy he has started dating. this morning, i was reminded that another friend is at a destination wedding with his girlfriend.

my thoughts naturally wander to what wonderful experiences they must both be having with people that they love. i then realize that with each experience there is most certainly physical intimacy taking place. with that recognition, my heart sinks even further as i am reminded that i am alone. following quickly after, the recent failed attempt at changing that condition comes sharply into view and the sadness pours out of my eyes once again.

i'm typing this entry in an airport restaurant, preparing to leave town for a three day business trip. i have little energy or enthusiasm for the days of marathon meetings that await me nor am i especially happy about the idea of spending three nights away from home. i think about coming back to an empty house for another solitary weekend, and well, i think you've got the idea.

it's been almost a year of this and rather than becoming more determined or confident that a change can be made in my life, i am even less sure or hopeful that things will get better. sigh. it's going to be another long week.

scaring men

in recent weeks, i've had a few people share with me that they believe the fact that i can be so open and honest about my feelings is an admirable quality. frankly, it doesn't really feel all that admirable from this side. it seems to me that being this way just scares men and pushes me even further away from them.

i open myself up. they look inside and determine i'm not someone with whom they want to engage. i can understand why so many people hide behind facades and stay closed to the world around them. at least when they may experience rejection, they have the excuse that the other person doesn't know the real them. not so for me.

death of a dream

just back from a walk -- my processing and crying time as i referred to it to someone earlier in the day. a song came on that i've posted previously (and will do so again with this entry). it was a love song. as i may have shared before, i think of it as probably a top two favorite (billy joel's "just the way you are" being the other)  and consider it to be one of the most beautifully written/performed of the genre.

as i listened and walked, i saw with my mind's eye my early 30 year old self -- the one who had come to terms with his sexual identity as a gay man and who believed that with that clarity perhaps one day love would be his. it was that version of me that first heard this song and used to hope and dream to one day know the kind of love described so eloquently within it.

as i walked some more, listening and gazing at younger me, i couldn't help but reach back through the years and whisper some words of apology to that person that i know i was but am no longer. "i am sorry that i let you down and your dreams did not come true," i began, "and i am so sorry that i do not believe that such a love will ever be yours/mine or that even such love exists in this world. not for me and not ever." and then the music stopped. and i walked and cried some more.

but it is still a lovely song.

and so much more - linda eder

heart blockage

some months ago i wrote an entry about having to undergo a ct scan of my heart to ensure there was no damage from my high cholesterol levels. as i shared then, the examination revealed that my physical heart was fine and i also felt that it was my "metaphorical" heart that was experiencing the damage. these past couple of weeks i've become very much aware of a new type of heart problem that is quite prevalent in the realm of that figurative heart.

as a result of this unfortunate situation that has happened between myself and someone i considered a friend, i find myself now not very trusting of this specific guy (and to some degree guys in general), particularly in terms of believing that he is indeed my friend and that he does actually care about me as he claims. it's not that there is this active resistance to the belief. it's like there is this "blockage" that is preventing me from truly believing and accepting what he is telling me.

today i underwent a procedure to attempt to remove the blockage. the person in question agreed to assist me. it was a very painful experience (at least for me), and yet, i appreciate the honesty and openness with which the discussion took place.

i cannot tell you if the procedure was a success. what i can share is that as i left that conversation and went about some of the activities of the day, it was clear that my heart was not blocked, and that pain and hurt bled freely and profusely from the newly opened wound. i can also tell that whether healing or a new, even more permanent blockage emerges is entirely dependent on the conditions in which the healing process occurs over the days and weeks to come. if i see signs of hope that life can be different and better than maybe there is a chance to be more open. if not, well i guess i can plan on being closed off for some time to come.

so many sages

when you're struggling with depression and dealing with circumstances that seem to reinforce your negative outlook on life, people, who profess to care about you, tend to have a great desire for you to get better as quickly as possible. to assist with that rapid recovery you often get quite a bit of advice about how you should be viewing the situation, what steps you should take to improve your attitude, and lots and lots of commentary about how what you're feeling is what everyone else goes through.

the unfortunate dynamic that can result, no matter how wise you think the individual is and how appropriate the prescription they provide may be, is a feeling that people blame you for what you are feeling ad your fault and the fact that you can't seem to just get out of your mood is a type of character flaw or weakness within you. in my case, as i shared with dr. s earlier this week, it makes the feeling that there is something wrong with me, that i'm not normal and therefore isolated and restricted from meaningful companionship all the more acute.

so what do you do, i ask, when, as much as you appreciate that people are trying to help you get better, the perspectives they are sharing really only make you feel worse instead?