stepping out of the seventies

at least for a bit with tonight's song.

sunday morning -- maroon 5

opening my heart

so what are the odds of finding oneself back in the same type of situation one night that in the previous night had resulted in a challenging emotional experience that aided in precipitating a sort of emotional breakdown the following morning? well, if you're me, i would say your odds are pretty good. and what are the odds that this same situation would result in a different experience? sadly, if you're me, not likely (and it didn't).

following last night's experience, i found myself making the following reflection in an online soliloquy, "i feel like i'm experiencing the reason depression is classified as a disease and not a minor inconvenience." during the second night experience (which oddly varied only in that i experienced the painful emotions that rendered me silent at the outset rather than over time), i found myself sharing this insight, "i think i may have a problem with opening my heart in the wrong way to the wrong men."

that was actually a perspective i had been pondering earlier in the evening and finding myself again in the same challenging situation, with the same sadness and disappointment as the evening before, the thought came roaring forward and out into an online chat. now, in this moment, when combined with the statement i made about the serious nature of depression, i'm wondering if the problem is really about opening my heart at the wrong time?

i've written before about the magnifying effect that depression seems to have on challenging emotions. in a simple analogy, when you're underwater, everything is going to feel wet. then again, even under water, some feelings may be the same as on dry land. for example, if you're handed a block of ice, it's still going to feel cold, whether wet or dry (i guess the question does still exist though that it may be cold no matter the conditions, but does it feel colder in one state, i.e., under water, than it does in another? does this make sense to anyone but me this little mental exercise should give you some sense of the fact that what often is going on inside my head is not a fun experience or maybe reading this blog has already done that for you. hey, be grateful. you're just visiting. i'm the one who has to live here).

maybe now was not the time to try to form a friendship. then again the friendship started prior to my being in this particular condition. i have pondered more often than i likely should have whether the challenges that have manifested for me in this relationship have resulted from my depression or exacerbated it. at the same time, i feel like now is exactly when i need a friendship, particularly when it's with someone that i do like and appreciate. and it feels like the depression is robbing me of the ability to engage it appropriately or effectively. to draw on my underwater analogy again, it feels like i'm drowning. so many thoughts and so few answers.

well, the evening ended with my chat companion calling it a night with the unfortunate declaration that "tonight has sucked." i'm not clear if i contributed to the sucking with my declaration about opening my heart. i do know that i could relate to the feeling. in fact, for me, it was a double feature.

song for the close of a rough day

today was not good with my experiencing the trifecta of a physical, mental, and emotional collapse. i'm making the slow climb out of the wreckage now. here's a classic song for the night of a bad day.

goodbye yellow brick road - elton john

wrestling with demons

it happened again last night. i entered into a familiar situation and within moments the demons were upon me.

it matters very little to him that you are here
that's not true, he's my friend and he enjoys my company

he would rather spend time interacting here than deal with you
well he enjoys this and he's had a long day and needs the distraction

he hasn't even noticed that you haven't been chatting
well, he's not fully himself at the moment

and after you'd spent all that time hoping you'd have a moment to chat with him
well, i ....

you'd hoped that you'd move forward with making plans to meet didn't you?
yes

you do know that's never going to happen?
i ....

he doesn't have the time for you nor should he. just give up already.

and with that i was silenced and the familiar feeling of my heart bleeding out with pain happened yet again.

and then the experience was over but not before the demons had one last say,

and see, he didn't even say goodbye to you, you foolish, foolish little man

and with that i took some meds, felt my eyes well with a few tears, and prayed for sleep to claim me quickly.

and now it's the morning after and i have no great desire to leave this bed, to leave this room, to live this life.

whenever i call you friend

felt like the blog could use a little bit of a lift.

whenever i call you friend - kenny loggins and stevie nicks

like swimming through molasses

this is the metaphor that came to me last night as i was trying to do move related work in the depressed frame of mind i've been in of late. every movement, every thought, every action -- it all seems to take at least twice as much energy and effort as it normally would (or at least what the vague recollection i have of normal tells me it would). and at the end of the activity, there isn't even the feeling of satisfaction that i've completed a task. i just feel like there's even more to do and i stress about how am i ever going to accomplish it all. i suppose it doesn't help that i feel like i may be nursing a cold as well.

being in this mood is part of the reason that i have such little enthusiasm for going into therapy. as i believe i've shared a few times on this blog, i've been in therapy before, and if my memory is correct, it can be a torturous experience. mining the depths of one's soul for both your own and another's examination is neither easy nor for the faint of heart. and it's that last part that makes me question whether i really am ready to do this. my heart has not felt so weak and fragile in quite some time nor my soul so battered and weary. and then there's the niggling question of what good will it do anyway? are weekly 50 minute sessions really going to be able to effect change in my life when so much of what i want changed feels out of my control and it seems like i haven't done so well with the few things that i could manage?

even so, i know that i have to try something. i can't keep having every night (and even a few moments during the day) filled with depressive thoughts of how everything is wrong and desires that my life would just end. still, as i facetiously noted yesterday, it feels like the best time to go through therapy is really when you don't need to go through therapy. though, truth be told, when you're feeling weary and sticky from your movement through life, well, that's probably even a better time.

the breakage of trust

i was staring in the bathroom mirror this morning but in the way that you're looking intently at an object but not seeing what's actually there. instead, i was seeing the images of various disappointments i'd experienced in my relationship with michael. i guess the events of last week and my musings in yesterday's entry have brought the events of that relationship into the forefront of my consciousness. it was clear from my thoughts about what we went through together there there is still a great deal of hurt and a great lack of trust in him.

and from there, for whatever reason, i started thinking about a recent disappointment here at work in which my boss decided to take a particular meeting without me that i thought i would be a part of. i started questioning, as i have a few times over the past few months, if she had doubts about me and what i was contributing to the work (mind you this is not even 48 hours after a meeting in which she sincerely thanked me for the leadership i have been demonstrating. but that was then and this was well now but then). and with this my already not so great mood sank even further.

stepping back from the mirror and proceeding to continue with the rest of my routine of getting dressed for the day, i was reminded of a dynamic that i've both witnessed and experienced in the past. how the loss of trust in one relationship can start to affect one's capacity for trust in others. it's like there is a breakage in that part of the emotional self and what starts to happen is you begin to view every relationship no matter the duration or the substance as a potential for disappointment and hurt.

that perspective certainly explains my struggle with trusting in my friendship with sean -- a struggle that though diminished, if i were being truly honest, is not concluded. every now and again, those doubtful thoughts manage to creep in that i am making a mistake in trusting him and that the rejection and abandonment i fear may be only moments away (all with the strains of alanis's hands clean playing in the background of my mind). maybe experience will prove me wrong (and maybe not). and this definitely explains why i have no great enthusiasm (actually try no interest) for entering into other relationships at this time.

i guess it's this breakage of trust that is at least part of the rationale for what i shared in the emotional bandwidth post. and while i do continue to believe that patience is required, it still does not make for a great life experience.

yesterday, i made an appointment to see a therapist. as part of the pre-visit paperwork, there is a request to list the goals of therapy. at the time i struggled with what to put down as a goal. now, i think maybe i've found my first one.

something sublime

tonight's song.

love on the rocks - sara bareilles

backdated breakup

last week i decided to go on facebook to see what was up in the world of my friends and acquaintances. as i logged on and looked at my news feed, there in the middle of my computer screen was one of those facebook timeline milestone markers. the contents basically announced for all who cared in the facebook community that michael and i had ended our relationship. i had to admit i was a bit surprised to see this declaration at this time given that michael and i had broken up back in november. i thought, since he had not posted anything at that time or until last week, that he didn't want to make a big show of things and just wanted to move along quietly with his life (that was certainly how i felt and did not then nor have i since made any such announcements).

what surprised me even more occurred when i looked at the date marking this auspicious occasion (by the way, facebook cleverly places a cracked heart as the symbolic designation for this event). the month was "october" not "november," and the year was "2008" not "2013" (the day was the 19th in case you're one for specificity as clearly michael and facebook are). puzzled for a second, i looked at the comments section where michael had placed what apparently was a kind of footnote (ever the academic that michael), indicating that "all attempts at reconciliation failed." it was then i realized that he had marked the end of our relationship as the first time we broke up in 2008 and relegated our getting back together in 2010 and 2012 to minor momentary lapses in judgement (i would probably have to agree with him on that one. i also have to admit i find it perverse that michael could remember the precise date of our breakup in 2008 but managed to forget my birthday on more than one occasion during the time we were together. and for the record, i never forgot his).

i have to admit during that time and since i have reflected on what it means to have our breakup backdated to an earlier time particularly with respect to my current emotional state. did this now mean that michael and i had only been together for seven years rather than the twelve we had just been saying a year ago at this time? did this mean that we've now been broken up for going on six years rather than six months as i had been experiencing recently? if so, did this newly extended time frame mean that i should be over him by now? should i be even more depressed and completely give up all hope that life will be better because i've been alone for six years (i'm kind of already at that point even at the six month mark)? it is indeed a conundrum.

while i am not certain on how i should view the backdating, i do believe that the action did contribute to my declining emotional state over the course of the week -- a decline that i have only barely come out of as of this writing (and, if truth be told, i feel myself slipping back into with every keystroke in writing this entry). i wrote to sean last night that i couldn't keep having days like sunday again. unfortunately, i feel i am perilously close to that same kind of experience today.

song for a monday night

here's a song that i sadly relate pretty strongly with, well, at least from a gay man's lens and except for the pretense part.

doth i protest too much - alanis morissette

i'm running out of fight

those were the last words i wrote in a text exchange yesterday as i was experiencing an emotional breakdown. as has been the case before, it was an experience of every aspect of my life feeling wholly unsatisfying and the ability to make any changes on any front seeming exceedingly difficult if not impossible. it's not a good place to be, and i've been there many more times than i like to have been over the past few months.

and this morning i feel pretty much how i always feel after such an episode -- tired, slightly disoriented, and more than a bit afraid that it will happen again today. the good news is that even with all of that i'm not in as bad a place at the outset of today as i was yesterday. i admit that hesitatingly because, as stated at the beginning of this paragraph, there is the fear that it could all come crashing down around me again.

after all nothing has really changed in terms of the basic circumstances of my life. i'm still alone. i still have a demanding job. i still have this move to get through.

i know at least a part of all of this dynamic is that i'm physically and mentally exhausted from the long hours i'm putting in. i likely need a break, and i do have a couple of instances of time away coming up in the near future. but the problem is that while time away can help the physical part, as my weekends have been clear indications, i can't seem to get away from the harsh reflections on my life that have chipped away at my mental stability. i feel like i need a vacation from being me and i don't think there's any place i can go to accomplish that feat. and even if i could, i would still have to come back.

bedridden

it's sunday. it's snowing. i just returned from getting some coffee. even though i have more work to do in preparation for my move, i've put on my pajamas and anticipate that the rest of the day will be spent in bed. it's not so much the physical fatigue from yesterday's carting about 25 large boxes down flights of stairs, into a van and then out again. it's just my heart is truly not in it. and by "it," i mean caring much about life. makes it kind of difficult to be motivated, you know?