it's been another rough day. having to do physical labor when your heart feels so heavy is not an easy feat. here's another song, same singer, different album, and a similar sentiment of wanting someone to be there.
after the fire - amy grant
Saturday, April 12, 2014
more amy
this song actually sits between the two i've previously posted on the behind the eyes album. it expresses yet another need i'm feeling for my life right now. unfortunately, it feels like people say goodbye in my life quite a bit. i guess that's why this qualifies as expressing a heart felt need.
like i love you - amy grant
like i love you - amy grant
Friday, April 11, 2014
how i long for this
on what is feeling like another lonely friday night, this evening's song is one of my favorites about friendship that also happens to be by my all time favorite singer.
i will be your friend - amy grant
i will be your friend - amy grant
the return of the ex
yesterday was not a good day. not a good day at all. the morning was filled with frustrating conversations that had me questioning if we were really making any progress at all in the work we are trying to accomplish. it is not a great feeling to be working so hard and feel that it may be for naught.
i had just finished a meeting with one of those conversations when my cell phone started ringing. i could see on my caller id that it was michael but did not feel that i was in the right state to deal with him at the moment. the ringing stopped and a few moments later a chime sounded indicating that he had left a voice mail. i decided that it likely would be a good idea to at least listen to the voice mail so that i could know the nature of what i would be dealing and be prepared to do so when i got back with michael later in the date. what i heard next unleashed an avalanche of conflicted emotions that carried throughout the rest of the day. it was michael in a very panicked voice hurriedly sharing that he had been in a terrible car accident and that they were taking him to a nearby hospital. he ended the message with a declaration of "i love you and please help me."
my mind immediately started racing with images of a bloody michael on a stretcher and fears that i had heard his last statements in life via a phone message. wracked with guilt i immediately dialed the call back code and the phone started ringing. michael answered after a couple of rings. "good, he's not dead," was my first thought. his first words were echoes of those in the message -- terrible car accident, he was in an ambulance being taken to the hospital. he sounded scared and vulnerable. i heard a voice in the background and then after what i could tell was a handing over the phone, the background voice came on telling me she was a paramedic, that michael had been in a car accident, that while shaken up and a little bruised by the deployment of the air bag, there were no apparent injuries and his vital signs were strong. she then gave me the number of the hospital and said that i could probably call them in about an hour to see how he was doing.
after what seemed like the longest hour on record, i called and got through to where michael was in the emergency department. we spoke briefly and he still seemed pretty out of it. fortunately, michael's boss was there. he had been contacted about the accident and had gone to the hospital to see how he could be of help. i spoke with him and he indicated that he was still trying to piece together what happened. he had shared that michael had not been well and had been experiencing blackouts, several of which had been occurring while he had been driving. such was the case in this situation. he advised that i call back in another 15 minutes or so when he would likely have more information.
well, the 15 became over 30 because i was still at work and my assistant chose that moment to come in and tell me about a few more issues that were not going well. after that bit of cheery news, my phone started ringing and i could see it was michael's boss. i told my assistant i needed to take the call and she headed off. what i learned next was that michael was going to be fine and that they would be releasing him shortly. michael's boss was then going to drive him home where he shared that ryan (michael's housemate) and charles (his new bf) would be to take care of him.
i have to admit that at the mention of charles's name my mood darkened a bit. while i was glad that michael had someone who could be there to care for him, i was also reminded of the hurt i experienced over the fact that he and michael started dating just two months after michael and i had broken up and that over these several months of loneliness and isolation that i had been experiencing they were together. i ended up speaking with michael briefly and told him that i would call him after he got home.
the work day ended, and, after i got home i immediately called michael. no answer. i left a message on voice mail. after another twenty minutes he called me back. he was in pain from the bruises and distraught about the accident. i did my best to calm him and encourage him that things would be all right, that he should rest and let ryan and charles take care of him. as the conversation wound down, he felt the need to share, "you should know that i do love you." it was not what i wanted to hear. i thought how i didn't want to hear the words "i love you" when he had spent the last year doing very little to actually demonstrate that love. i didn't want to hear those words when for the last four months he was fucking someone else and i was alone. but i didn't share that. instead i said, "i care about you too," and said i would call him today to see how he was doing. and as i hung up i thought again about how he was being enfolded in love and i had no one.
the rest of the night was spent as so many others have been in depressed silence and isolation, pondering how deeply unsatisfying my life has become.
i had just finished a meeting with one of those conversations when my cell phone started ringing. i could see on my caller id that it was michael but did not feel that i was in the right state to deal with him at the moment. the ringing stopped and a few moments later a chime sounded indicating that he had left a voice mail. i decided that it likely would be a good idea to at least listen to the voice mail so that i could know the nature of what i would be dealing and be prepared to do so when i got back with michael later in the date. what i heard next unleashed an avalanche of conflicted emotions that carried throughout the rest of the day. it was michael in a very panicked voice hurriedly sharing that he had been in a terrible car accident and that they were taking him to a nearby hospital. he ended the message with a declaration of "i love you and please help me."
my mind immediately started racing with images of a bloody michael on a stretcher and fears that i had heard his last statements in life via a phone message. wracked with guilt i immediately dialed the call back code and the phone started ringing. michael answered after a couple of rings. "good, he's not dead," was my first thought. his first words were echoes of those in the message -- terrible car accident, he was in an ambulance being taken to the hospital. he sounded scared and vulnerable. i heard a voice in the background and then after what i could tell was a handing over the phone, the background voice came on telling me she was a paramedic, that michael had been in a car accident, that while shaken up and a little bruised by the deployment of the air bag, there were no apparent injuries and his vital signs were strong. she then gave me the number of the hospital and said that i could probably call them in about an hour to see how he was doing.
after what seemed like the longest hour on record, i called and got through to where michael was in the emergency department. we spoke briefly and he still seemed pretty out of it. fortunately, michael's boss was there. he had been contacted about the accident and had gone to the hospital to see how he could be of help. i spoke with him and he indicated that he was still trying to piece together what happened. he had shared that michael had not been well and had been experiencing blackouts, several of which had been occurring while he had been driving. such was the case in this situation. he advised that i call back in another 15 minutes or so when he would likely have more information.
well, the 15 became over 30 because i was still at work and my assistant chose that moment to come in and tell me about a few more issues that were not going well. after that bit of cheery news, my phone started ringing and i could see it was michael's boss. i told my assistant i needed to take the call and she headed off. what i learned next was that michael was going to be fine and that they would be releasing him shortly. michael's boss was then going to drive him home where he shared that ryan (michael's housemate) and charles (his new bf) would be to take care of him.
i have to admit that at the mention of charles's name my mood darkened a bit. while i was glad that michael had someone who could be there to care for him, i was also reminded of the hurt i experienced over the fact that he and michael started dating just two months after michael and i had broken up and that over these several months of loneliness and isolation that i had been experiencing they were together. i ended up speaking with michael briefly and told him that i would call him after he got home.
the work day ended, and, after i got home i immediately called michael. no answer. i left a message on voice mail. after another twenty minutes he called me back. he was in pain from the bruises and distraught about the accident. i did my best to calm him and encourage him that things would be all right, that he should rest and let ryan and charles take care of him. as the conversation wound down, he felt the need to share, "you should know that i do love you." it was not what i wanted to hear. i thought how i didn't want to hear the words "i love you" when he had spent the last year doing very little to actually demonstrate that love. i didn't want to hear those words when for the last four months he was fucking someone else and i was alone. but i didn't share that. instead i said, "i care about you too," and said i would call him today to see how he was doing. and as i hung up i thought again about how he was being enfolded in love and i had no one.
the rest of the night was spent as so many others have been in depressed silence and isolation, pondering how deeply unsatisfying my life has become.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
i meant to post this last night
yesterday's blog entry reminded me of this song. so here it is tonight.
takes a little time - amy grant
takes a little time - amy grant
the power of liking someone
"well, it's pretty much that i've come to realize that i really like you...." it was a simple declaration to begin an explanation of what was going on with me over the previous weekend that had been filled with much emotional angst.
i was reflecting last night on how allowing that one realization to settle into my heart and mind had done so much to clarify for me what was going on with me in my friendship with sean. because i knew we were not likely to have an opportunity to converse due to his schedule, i had the opportunity to think about the past six or so months of being friends. it was a nice mental exercise as i got to be reminded of all of the reasons that underlay the liking him. it brought a great warmth to my soul and a lift to my spirits and i experienced the great power that exists in the emotion of liking someone.
yet, as with all great powers, there is a shadow side. certainly, when we like someone that generates a desire to engage with that person as often as is reasonable and possible and when there are restrictions to that ability to engage, it can create frustration and disappointment. as a result, the warm soul grows a little cooler and the spirit begins a descent.
there is another aspect to shadow side of the power of liking someone. at least there is in my experience. for me liking someone means that i allow them free entry into the precious real estate that is my heart. and as i have shared in other entries, that interior access brings about a degree of vulnerability to that person's actions and whether intentionally or unintentional in their hurtful nature, the wounds cut quicker and deeper.still, wounds do heal and hearts can be made whole again. and certainly liking someone can go a long way and contribute a great deal to that process.
and so i'll close with another simple statement. be grateful this day for the people you like (even if you can't be with them as often or as much as you want).
i was reflecting last night on how allowing that one realization to settle into my heart and mind had done so much to clarify for me what was going on with me in my friendship with sean. because i knew we were not likely to have an opportunity to converse due to his schedule, i had the opportunity to think about the past six or so months of being friends. it was a nice mental exercise as i got to be reminded of all of the reasons that underlay the liking him. it brought a great warmth to my soul and a lift to my spirits and i experienced the great power that exists in the emotion of liking someone.
yet, as with all great powers, there is a shadow side. certainly, when we like someone that generates a desire to engage with that person as often as is reasonable and possible and when there are restrictions to that ability to engage, it can create frustration and disappointment. as a result, the warm soul grows a little cooler and the spirit begins a descent.
there is another aspect to shadow side of the power of liking someone. at least there is in my experience. for me liking someone means that i allow them free entry into the precious real estate that is my heart. and as i have shared in other entries, that interior access brings about a degree of vulnerability to that person's actions and whether intentionally or unintentional in their hurtful nature, the wounds cut quicker and deeper.still, wounds do heal and hearts can be made whole again. and certainly liking someone can go a long way and contribute a great deal to that process.
and so i'll close with another simple statement. be grateful this day for the people you like (even if you can't be with them as often or as much as you want).
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
emotional bandwidth
so the day has proceeded along at it's usual pace of meeting upon meeting, each with its own set of complexities and issues. through it all i've been more focused on the events of the past few days and particularly on a pretty involved online conversation that i had with sean last night. in that conversation i shared how i had been feeling about our now about six month old friendship with specific emphasis on the parts that were frustrating to me.
it was a good albeit deeply emotion-filled conversation (at least, not surprisingly, for me). "good" being defined as providing more clarity and shared understanding about the realities that define and determine how what i can only divulge as one of the more unique relationships i have had in my almost 50 years on this planet will move forward. i'm not sure that the situation is exactly how either of us would like it to be (i certainly know it's not exactly to my liking), but what's abundantly clear is that we've committed to making the best of an imperfect situation (imperfect being defined by me at one point in the discussion as "this kinda sucks" minus the kinda).
stepping out of the situation and looking back in, i'm seeing that this experience is showing me a lot about where i am in life. i have this profound desire for intimate connection that i have not experienced in some time and yet if there is one thing that forging a relationship with sean has shown me it's that developing important relationships of the kind i desire is not easy work. during our discussion, sean mentioned an oft-repeated opinion of his that i need to "put myself out there." as i have done in response to his previous recommendations of this type, i reminded him that our friendship was actually that idea in practice and my experience thus far wasn't making me too confident about how well i would do in other attempts.
today, in thinking about that same part of our conversation, the thought came to me that i really didn't think i had the emotional bandwidth to take on any more new relationships, at least not at this time. what also came to mind is that maybe i should honor that perspective and be a little more patient with myself. after all, i've just left a significant relationship that i tried for almost 13 years to make work. i am in the most challenging and demanding role of my professional career. and yes, i am trying to develop a new friendship that has its own set of issues to work through. maybe that's all my plate can hold at this time. maybe the ability to take on more requires some more time and distance from the pains of the past to allow my heart to heal. and if that's the case, maybe i need to learn to be ok with that even if it may mean some more lonely nights and weepy moments. ultimately, i just need to trust that when the time is right and i am indeed ready for more, my heart will tell me.
it was a good albeit deeply emotion-filled conversation (at least, not surprisingly, for me). "good" being defined as providing more clarity and shared understanding about the realities that define and determine how what i can only divulge as one of the more unique relationships i have had in my almost 50 years on this planet will move forward. i'm not sure that the situation is exactly how either of us would like it to be (i certainly know it's not exactly to my liking), but what's abundantly clear is that we've committed to making the best of an imperfect situation (imperfect being defined by me at one point in the discussion as "this kinda sucks" minus the kinda).
stepping out of the situation and looking back in, i'm seeing that this experience is showing me a lot about where i am in life. i have this profound desire for intimate connection that i have not experienced in some time and yet if there is one thing that forging a relationship with sean has shown me it's that developing important relationships of the kind i desire is not easy work. during our discussion, sean mentioned an oft-repeated opinion of his that i need to "put myself out there." as i have done in response to his previous recommendations of this type, i reminded him that our friendship was actually that idea in practice and my experience thus far wasn't making me too confident about how well i would do in other attempts.
today, in thinking about that same part of our conversation, the thought came to me that i really didn't think i had the emotional bandwidth to take on any more new relationships, at least not at this time. what also came to mind is that maybe i should honor that perspective and be a little more patient with myself. after all, i've just left a significant relationship that i tried for almost 13 years to make work. i am in the most challenging and demanding role of my professional career. and yes, i am trying to develop a new friendship that has its own set of issues to work through. maybe that's all my plate can hold at this time. maybe the ability to take on more requires some more time and distance from the pains of the past to allow my heart to heal. and if that's the case, maybe i need to learn to be ok with that even if it may mean some more lonely nights and weepy moments. ultimately, i just need to trust that when the time is right and i am indeed ready for more, my heart will tell me.
song for the day
so when i posted last night's song i really struggled with which version to use as i love two in particular. there is, of course, the original that i posted last night and then there is this version that actually reintroduced me to the song after not having heard it for many years. and so i'm going to take advantage of the fact that i'm a bit frazzled today after a somewhat crazy evening and just have this morning's entry be a song entry. at least in this case i can have what i want.
landslide -- dixie chicks
landslide -- dixie chicks
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
dead again
i almost didn't use this title as it appears there is a similarly entitled blog entry some pages back, but i have neither the inspiration nor the energy to bother thinking of another one so this one stands. i am in that place again where i feel there is little meaning and purpose to life, specifically my life.
i took the day off yesterday, hoping that some rest would help (that and i just didn't have anything in me to give to this work). i did manage to do some more packing but it was a struggle all the way through. i just didn't see the point.
i knew something was truly wrong as i was listening to music and a particularly favorite love song of mine started playing. as the song continued i could tell it wasn't having the familiar emotional resonance i was used to. in fact, it seemed as if i had no familiarity with the song at all -- not just with the song itself but with the feeling it was expressing as well. and that's how i went through much of the day and evening with the feeling that there was no love in my life.
and here i am today. still feeling much the same. not caring about much least of all the activities that are before me this day. i'm not sure what i did in a past or this current life to warrant the life (and i use the term loosely) i have before me now. it is certainly not what i had hoped for. it is certainly not what i want.
i took the day off yesterday, hoping that some rest would help (that and i just didn't have anything in me to give to this work). i did manage to do some more packing but it was a struggle all the way through. i just didn't see the point.
i knew something was truly wrong as i was listening to music and a particularly favorite love song of mine started playing. as the song continued i could tell it wasn't having the familiar emotional resonance i was used to. in fact, it seemed as if i had no familiarity with the song at all -- not just with the song itself but with the feeling it was expressing as well. and that's how i went through much of the day and evening with the feeling that there was no love in my life.
and here i am today. still feeling much the same. not caring about much least of all the activities that are before me this day. i'm not sure what i did in a past or this current life to warrant the life (and i use the term loosely) i have before me now. it is certainly not what i had hoped for. it is certainly not what i want.
Monday, April 7, 2014
sharing a view of heaven
there's a popular image in christianity, particularly in the catholic tradition, of heaven as a feast at a great banquet table. here's a song that for quite some time in my life has embodied that imagery, particularly when i hear the lyrics, "people reaching, people touching, a real celebration, waiting for us all."
tonight i feel i could really use a bit of that heaven -- laughing, smiling, reaching, touching, connecting, loving. sadly, it feels like this song is as close as i'm going to get.
saturday in the park - chicago
tonight i feel i could really use a bit of that heaven -- laughing, smiling, reaching, touching, connecting, loving. sadly, it feels like this song is as close as i'm going to get.
saturday in the park - chicago
moving beyond a messy weekend
so the events of this weekend did not exactly occur in the way that i would have liked. i expressed a desire that did not manifest in the way that i had hoped, and the disappointment that resulted created a fairly sizable rupture in my heart.
and now it's monday. and while i wish i could say that i'm not still hurting that unfortunately is not the case. what is the case is that i do know that i need to try to do my best to move beyond the messiness of the past couple of days. yet even with that resolve i am afraid to do so because i know it means trusting in something i'm not sure i should, believing in something that i'm not sure is true, and opening my heart to potential further damage.
even with all of that, i will do my best to let go of the hurt and get to a better place with this particular relationship and life in general. i just hope that sometime soon the hurt will be willing to let go of me as well.
and now it's monday. and while i wish i could say that i'm not still hurting that unfortunately is not the case. what is the case is that i do know that i need to try to do my best to move beyond the messiness of the past couple of days. yet even with that resolve i am afraid to do so because i know it means trusting in something i'm not sure i should, believing in something that i'm not sure is true, and opening my heart to potential further damage.
even with all of that, i will do my best to let go of the hurt and get to a better place with this particular relationship and life in general. i just hope that sometime soon the hurt will be willing to let go of me as well.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
what's most unfortunate
i've long maintained that the most unfortunate lies are the ones that we tell ourselves. yesterday's events have prompted quite a few thoughts and feelings in me. which are the lies and which are the truths i can't seem to discern. what i can tell is that my heart is once again overburdened, and it will indeed be a heavy weight to carry through the day.
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the subtext
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