i have experience

i heard back from sean yesterday about the message i had referenced in a recent blog entry. actually, it really wasn't about that message. it was a response to a simple message i had written earlier that day about how i thought of him daily with a hope that he was doing well. i wished him a good week.

part of the reason i wrote the message is i had been questioning why i had not gotten a response to the previous message and it was now three weeks running of silence. i noticed that when you looked at my recent conversations, it indicated that the last message had been removed. i'd written a series of statements and then deleted them as i didn't think they were helpful to conveying the feelings i was trying to express. in seeing that i wondered if maybe he had assumed that there was no message to read, so i wrote my simple message to test my theory. In doing so, I thought that he would see that message and then would see the previous ones i'd written.

sure enough, i got a response. unfortunately, that response only brought more hurt feelings ("the key" at work) as it was also a simple response. it said he was "doing good" and asked how i was doing. i wrote back that i was glad to hear from him and that all was well with him. I continued with how life had been challenging on my end. i told him about the busyness of work and the health scare with my mother.

i also shared how i was confused about what was happening between us as he made no acknowledgement of my previous message. i stated that i wasn't sure what i would hear back but had hoped that there would be some recognition of what i'd written. "even an 'i'm sorry i missed your birthday' would have been sufficient," i wrote. i shared that over the past couple of months, i'd tried various means to communicate, and they all seemed to have failed. i expressed that i felt something was not quite right, but i didn't know what and that i needed his help in understanding the situation. i asked that he write back soon.

i got to work and thought let me try again with those other means of communication. i texted and emailed. i planned to call but stopped as that has been one communication mode that has always proven to be unsuccessful. "why bother with that one again," i thought. in truth it was also a concern that if he answered i really wouldn't know what to say. i was afraid that all the months of pain and confusion would tumble out in an incoherent, angry mess that would just make whatever problem that seems to exist worse.

and so once again i wait for a response to my request for clarity. i have little confidence that it will come. then again, with every message i send, i wonder if he will write back. i wonder if that's it, and i will never hear from him again.

you see, as i've shared in this blog many times before, i have experience with men disappearing from my life. it is not easy when the signs seem to point to it happening again. it's not easy at all.