i know how this feels

heart to heart - kenny loggins

it's your turn

it's been another difficult saturday, continuing a very long streak of them. i had a moment when i was out and about where this wave of sadness just hit me so hard, i just had to sit down for a few minutes to recover. it is not the first time i've had such an experience. not quite sure what elicits this sudden manifestation of powerful emotion but i think it has something to do with seeing or hearing something that touches close to an issue with which i'm struggling.

in this case i was in my local bookstore, and i'd heard the voices of two friends in active conversation. when i looked over in their direction i could see it was two teenage girls and they were discussing how much they thought a third would enjoy their purchase as a birthday present. i don't remember much conscious thought other than thinking how nice it was they had such a friendship and then how much i wished i had such a friendship and then the air was sucked out of me and i found myself needing to sit on a nearby bench to collect myself. at least i didn't start silently crying this time (i waited until i got to the car for that).

in any event, i'm now going to try something new with all of you who have come by this very small, dark corner of the internet. as anyone who has read even a few entries on this blog knows, music is a very integral part of my life. many times (particularly of late) i will select a song to accompany an entry to express how i'm feeling.

well, now, i'm going to ask you to pick a song that you think it would be worth my posting. having read this or perhaps several other entries i've posted over the last little bit, i'd like you to pick out a song (or two or more) that expresses similar emotions and/or has been a help to you when you've had a similar experience to mine (though for all of your sakes, i hope such experiences have neither been as frequent or to the magnitude of mine over the past two years). you can leave your choice(s) by clicking the comments link and typing them in the dialogue box that appears.

to be honest, i'm more than a bit worried about doing this. i don't tend to get many comments on here, but i've been meaning to try this for awhile and thought today was as good a time as any to try it. so i appreciate your stopping by and your consideration of my request. i look forward to listening to some good music soon. thanks all.

my days

there seemed to be quite a bit of excitement today about today being friday. i imagine it has something to do with having fun plans and looking forward to time spent with friends and family. as for me, well, as i shared with one "yay, it's friday" individual earlier, weekends tend to be kind of challenging for me. in actuality, every day has been kind of challenging for me for far, far too long.

tonight's posted song provides a good sense of what my life has been like and as i look out and see grey skies forming both literally and figuratively, i sense this weekend will be no different.

another grey morning - james taylor

what would it be like?

i heard this song the other day for the first time. i was so moved by it that it has come to mind several times since. today, when such a time occurred, i found myself wondering what would it be like to have someone share this kind of emotion with me, this kind of feeling about us, what he hoped we could be to one another and who i am to him.

i thought i had that at one point in my life. i was wrong.

there we are - james taylor

Listen to me and I'll sing you a song
And the time will go by
'til you never know where it's gone
Talk to me and I'll tell you my life story
Walk with me and I'll tell you my dreams of glory

There we are
Walking hand in hand
Somewhere on the sand
At the end of the land
And the edge of the shining sea

Drifting through time and space
On the face of a little blue ball
Falling around the sun
One in a million, billion, twinkling lights
Shining out for no one
In the middle of the night

Here we are
Sparks in the darkness
Speaking of our love
Burning down forever and forever

Oh I don't know if I told you
But you hold my heart in your hand
And I found out something about you
Baby, without you
I'm a lonely man

So though I never say that I love you
I love you
Darling I do
Carly, I do love you
And though we are as nothing
To the stars that shine above
You are my universe
You are my love

Here we are
Like children forever
Taking care of one another
While the world goes on without us
All around us

how are you doing?

it's a question, the variation of which we get asked many times a day in many different ways. Whether through in-person conversations, phone calls, texts, emails, and even the occasional card or letter, this one inquiry is sure to emerge at some point in the course of daily living no matter the duration or depth of the particular interaction.

it's a simple enough question really. it's also one i dread each and every day, each and every time it occurs. why you may ask? well, primarily because i have been enduring pretty much the same state of mind, emotion, and circumstances for the past two years. it has been a time filled with almost entirely low moments and very few good moments. serious depression can be like that. as a result, every time i am asked that question, i am faced with the dilemma of how to answer it.

certainly, i can lie (and at times do) and say i am fine or ok or even (total lie) doing great. i can do that, but who really enjoys lying that much outside of politics?

i could answer honestly, but i've come to learn over the course of these two years that even those who profess to care about you reach certain limits in terms of hearing day after day that you are not doing well. i would imagine the threshold is even lower for casual acquaintances and work colleagues (or perhaps even readers of a certain blog). and as i shared with one friend recently, the admonitions that my honesty elicits of "you need to think positively" just serve to make me feel that i am to blame for the condition that i am experiencing -- that i am not trying hard enough, that if only i would make an effort to meet people or engage in some activity then i would feel better. and i just end up feeling isolated and alone (which kind of reminds me of the same struggle i experienced regarding my sexual orientation back when i was in the evangelical christian world -- if only i would pray hard enough, be strong and resist temptation, i would be healed of this dreaded affliction. yeah, i was pretty miserable back then too).

so what do i do when asked this most common of questions? other than the aforementioned lying, more often than not, i just say, "oh, i'm hanging in there," and leave it at that. then i deflect to asking about the other person because there's no quicker way to get the focus off of you than to ask someone about themselves. most people love to share how they are doing, particularly when life is going well for them (and with some folks, even when it's not).

there are times admittedly when i almost wish that people wouldn't ask me the question. and therein lies the conundrum because i know that if people stopped i would wonder, "don't they care about me anymore?" (cue the recurring feelings of being isolated and alone, unwanted and unloved).

i've shared numerous times that this kind of existence is wearing away bit by bit, like the slow erosion of a beachfront by the persistent tide of the ocean. still it does provide for the development of a certain skill set.

i've posted the song below on here before and yet i do so again because there is a particular lyric i think of every time i've answered the question that is the title of this blog entry in a way that is far from truthful. "how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself" indeed.

eight easy steps - alanis morissette

just music tonight

finally posting an all-time favorite.

just the way you are - billy joel

a musical salve

sometimes you just need a beautiful song performed magnificently to help you through the night.

fields of gold - eva cassidy

living on the edge of breaking

i walked into my office this morning and the following thought immediately came to me, "this place makes me tired and sad." within of a heartbeat of that thought i realized that a more accurate statement would have been, "my life makes me tired and sad."

i'm not quite sure how i manage to get up and go into each day feeling the way i do. i question for how much longer i can continue to do so.

i am living on the edge of breaking right now. and each day the cracks seem to get a little bigger and a little deeper.

wounded

the after effects of saturday still linger and show no signs of dissipating anytime soon. maybe because it's about so much more than one moment in time. it's about tapping into a lifetime of feeling not good enough. this song pretty much captures the emotion. i wish i knew what it would take to stop hurting. i really do.

so unsexy - alanis morissette

in need of comfort

for reasons that shall go unexplained, i have to admit part of me finds my choice of song for this evening to be a very odd one. it doesn't really express a situation i'm in or an emotion i'd like to express.

i do know that it has been a painful and challenging day in a weekend that that has been very much the same. i also know that when i'm like this i tend to have a need for comfort and i often retreat to songs from earlier years to find it.

this is one of those songs.

how deep is your love - bee gees