and what are you doing?

i made a reference a couple of days ago that tomorrow night is one of the biggest date nights of the year. today's song is one that was written back in 1947 by frank loesser, a songwriter known for such classic musicals as guys and dolls and the most happy fella. he also is the writer of another popular holiday season song that i've shared earlier this month, baby it's cold outside.

well, in this particular song, the protagonist isn't trying to get his date to stay with him longer, he's actually attempting to get that date in the first place. this is one of those songs that has the kind of sophisticated charm that comes with the standards from the 30's and 40's and has been recorded by countless artists.

i think the version i've chosen is one of the best performed by an immensely talented musical stylist. he is certainly one of the dreamiest singers out there. i may not have an invitation coming my way for a new year's eve date, but i can dream about someone like harry connick jr. asking me in this way. it's  a dream i'd love see come true some day. who wouldn't?

what are you doing new year's eve? - harry connick jr.

i will try my very best

it's been a somewhat challenging last several days as i've fluctuated between being in a good emotional state and a not so great one. thoughts of loneliness and isolation have co-mingled with the enjoyment of the holiday season.

i thought tonight's song, which i imagine at the time was an unusual choice for a holiday album, might provide a break from the gloom that has descended in the quiet of each night. it's a song that comes from one of the most beloved movie musicals of all time, and here is magnificently performed by without a doubt one of the greatest singers of all time.

i have to admit that it's not easy for me to follow the advice proffered by this song (and i believe the tone of this arrangement captures that dynamic quite well), but for tonight at least, i will try my very best.

my favorite things - barbra streisand from a christmas album

and the days are few

i've remarked quite a bit of over the course of this month how wonderful the holiday season is. and now we find ourselves at the point that we can count the days remaining in the month on one hand with fingers left over. even with the extension to epiphany, the season will be over by mid-next week.

invariably, i tend to go through some degree of post-holiday season withdrawal. the more i get into celebrating the season the more difficult it is to come out of it with good mood intact. given that i've been far more into christmas this year than i have been in a few years, i imagine i'm in for a bit of a downturn in my mood. couple that with the now daily thoughts of not knowing what i have to look forward to in the new year, and i imagine some gray clouds are on the horizon. eventually, i will find some equilibrium in my mood, but whether i find enthusiasm is the unknown variable.

i know the recurring theme that evokes the most sadness is this feeling of not being at home in the world. yesterday, i shared my thoughts on what was essentially finding a home in the form of a relationship -- a place where i could feel safe to be myself and loved completely and unconditionally for who i am (and i believe that my desire to do the same for someone is just as strong).

the song i'm posting tonight is actually about finding one's way home in truly every sense of the word. it is sung in the form of a lullaby, which seems to be most fitting to convey the sense of comfort and assurance. i hear the words of trusting that because of god's love for us, we will be led home. still, it's been 50 years, and this side of heaven, it would be nice to experience the home i seek.

christmas lullaby (i will lead you home) - amy grant

is this the closest i will ever get?

so we're rapidly approaching the close of this year, and with that, we are headed toward one of the most popular date nights of the year. i have to admit that over the past week or so, i've found myself reflecting on my lonely state and my desire for companionship. with that being stated, i still find myself somewhat conflicted about the form of relationship in which this companionship should manifest.

i'm pretty sure i don't want to be married again, and i know that i don't want a casual thing. i know i want there to be deep emotional and physical intimacy that is long lasting. maybe it just comes down to feeling i need a more immediate presence of love in my life.

i was having a conversation with a new friend about this, and after much stumbling on my part to describe the type of relationship i was hoping would emerge in my life, the best term i could come up with was "a kindred spirit with benefits." it's an admittedly crude descriptor for what i would hope to be a very special relationship, but it is the best i could come with at the time and haven't thought of a better one since.

being able to name the kind of relationship i want is probably the relatively easy part. finding it is another story. i don't think it's just about meeting someone. equally as important is a willingness to be open and vulnerable. because of my experiences over this past several years, i think that willingness is in short supply.

i know a part of life is being hurt in relationships, but what happens when that's all that your experience in relationships has been? how are you supposed to believe that "this time will be different" when that's never the case?

i was sharing with another friend yesterday that what is most frustrating is believing that i have all of this care and affection to pour into someone's life, and there is no one who wants to receive it. i have to admit that the thought of going through another year without a consistent, immediate, intimate relationship causes my heart to sink like a stone through paper. and yet it feels not only like there are no prospects on the horizon, but not even in this known universe.

so the song i've selected to share comes from a holiday album that i have enjoyed for many years. it is my favorite song on the album and expresses how i would like to be in a relationship where i feel this way about someone and he feels equally that way about me. i think it's clear though that i'm losing faith that such a thing can be for me and that the closest i will get to it will be listening to songs like this one.

the gift - jim brickman (feat. susan ashton and colin raye) from the gift

what would you do with four calling birds anyway?

tonight's song takes the original "12 days of christmas," and, while using the traditional melody replaces the gifts from the composer's "true love" with items that are in better keeping with a more modern christmas and are provided by the singer's "good friends." it's a fun song even though it abandons the countdown construct shortly as the song progresses. must be a space issue.

a song and a christmas tree (the twelve days of christmas) - andy williams from the andy williams christmas album

happy second day of christmas

for many people, december 25 marked the end of the celebration of christmas; however, for others, the christmas season just started yesterday. on the liturgical calendar, christmas day marked the end of the season of advent, and yesterday was the first of the twelve days of the christmas season. this will be followed by the culminating event of the feast of the epiphany, which commemorates the visit of the magi to the christ child.

in recognition of the continuation of the christmas, today's songs are about ways that these twelve days could be celebrated. rather than the traditional carol, however, i'm posting two variations on that theme. here's the first that incorporates a variety of other holiday tunes and musical styles in as madcap a way as possible to get those gifts a given.

the 12 days of christmas - straight no chaser from christmas cheers

the christmas day conclusion: favorite christmas albums 6 - 1

happy christmas to one and all! i hope santa was good to each and every one of you celebrants of this wonderful holiday. well, we find ourselves at last at the the conclusion of my countdown of my favorite holidays season albums with the top 6 on the list. one of the best parts of doing this countdown has been sharing music that i find to be so very special, some of which some of you may be hearing for the very first time. i have more of the same today, and i hope it provides a fitting soundtrack to this christmas day. so starting this final segment of the countdown, we have ...

6.  december - kenny loggins

i believe i mentioned earlier in the month that one of my annual holiday season traditions is, though i consider the christmas season officially begins the day after thanksgiving, i will not play this particular album until the first day of december. given how much i love it, as soon as that day hits, this album is the first one playing. the interesting thing about this particular album is that it started out with very low expectations on my part. i actually found it in that little christmas music display that target always sets up in their in-store pop-up christmas section. i saw it, i liked kenny loggins, and so i thought, "why not?" and purchased it. am i ever grateful for that simple decision because this amazing collection of lyrical almost ethereal songs has added such a richness to many a holiday season. as i type this, a surprise snow is gently falling to the ground. i can't think of a better backdrop to the songs i will be sharing today.

on christmas morning
some children see him
december

5.  a christmas to remember - amy grant

oh, what a surprise to find a christmas album from amy grant in my top five. naturally, i kid. not only is amy grant tied with james taylor as my two all-time favorite singers, but to date, i believe she has like six christmas albums to her name with half of them being part compilation part new music. in addition, over the course of the month, i think amy is the artist with the most songs shared. of the three albums of original music, i've chosen two for the countdown. i do greatly enjoy all three. i think this particular one has a wonderful combination of original and classic songs -- songs that come from the canon of sacred music that celebrate the birth of jesus and songs that celebrate the delights of the modern holiday season. it is always one of the first christmas albums i play every year and one that i revel in all season long. i hope the songs i share today demonstrate why this is the case.

a christmas to remember
mister santa
'til the season comes around again
agnus dei

4.  christmas, love and you - will downing

and speaking of one of the first christmas albums i play every year, count this one in that number. to me, mr. downing has created what is the perfect contemporary christmas album. original arrangements of classic christmas tunes, wonderful new songs to add to the catalog of beloved holiday music, and sumptuous vocals delivered in a relaxed soulful style. if you're a fan of r&b music, expect to like this one a lot. you may even find yourself adding it to your own christmas music collection.

the first noel
love on christmas morning
christmas time after time

3. the christmas song - nat king cole

the final three albums have a truly special place in my heart. not just because they have such a sublime collection of songs and vocal performances, but more so, because they have been with me so long and evoke deep memories of times and places in my life. this album is literally the first christmas album of which i have any memory (well this and gene autry's rudolph the red nosed reindeer). this is likely due to the fact that my mother put this lp on our aircraft carrier sized stereo console every year until the needle practically dug a groove through the vinyl. even though i've listened to this and many a christmas album for the past 45 years (of which i'm aware), i'm not sure there is an album that brings back to my consciousness my memories of christmas as a child for me more than this one. with all of the emotional challenges that this holiday has brought to me in recent years, i am blessed to have had many a wondrous christmas as a child. thank you nat for contributing to that being the case for each and every one.

deck the hall
i saw three ships
caroling, caroling
the christmas song (merry christmas to you)

2.  a christmas portrait - carpenters

this album is all about my college years. that's when i first met its acquaintance though i had been a carpenters fan since my pre-teen years. a good friend and i would listen to this album non-stop as we studied for our fall semester final exams, looking forward to being done with those dreaded (at least for me) tests and back at home with family for a much needed break. there is only one singer that i can think of that has a voice as distinctive in the way that karen carpenter's is and that is judy garland. in both cases, their voices are so mellifluous with a touch of pathos that you can't help but be affected to the core of your soul. when you place karen's vocals in the context of richard carpenters' exquisite orchestrations then you have a musical experience that absolutely has few equals.

silent night
home for the holidays
ave maria
merry christmas darling

1.  home for christmas - amy grant

and we have finally reached number one on the countdown of my favorite christmas albums, and yes the top spot goes to none other than amy grant. this was the second of amy's christmas albums and to me it is the very best. for several of the tracks she hearkened back to earlier days of music recording history by recording with a live orchestra rather than the current practice of singing to already recorded music. this album is actually the first i play at the outset of every holiday season, and it's one that i love to have on as i begin my holiday decorating. while this album has many of the traditional christmas carols and standards, it has two very special songs that amy popularized and that have become a part of many a christmas album since (both of which i've included here). a more apt title could not have been chosen for this album, for it indeed makes you feel so at home in the very best sense of the word, providing a deep sense comfort, peace and most of all love.

breath of heaven (mary's song)
grown-up christmas list
the night before christmas
emmanuel, god with us
have yourself a merry little christmas

and that closes out my countdown of my favorite christmas albums. it has been a privilege to share this music with you, and i hope you found it worth your time to visit my blog this week. i will be back for the remaining days of the month to share a few more songs, but right now, as our last song expressed, "have yourself a merry little christmas now."

the countdown on christmas eve: favorite christmas albums 12 - 7

it's christmas eve -- the one night of the year when children can't wait to go to bed. that is with the exception of a few intrepid young souls who are determined to stay awake, hidden away, waiting to catch a glimpse of Santa's arrival. alas, even with this determination, they inevitably fall asleep and have to be carried to bed by their equally as tired parents, who likely have spent hours assembling, battery-ing, and wrapping present after present.

and on this christmas eve, we get ever closer to my top favorite christmas albums. today it's numbers 12 - 7 and i believe, with a only a few exceptions, that at least one song from this group of albums and tomorrow's has already appeared on the blog this month. so on to the final 12.

12.  the season - jane monheit

ms. monheit is one of those incredible singers who, while known and respected among fans of jazz  and classic standards, is not as famous as she should be given her immense talent. she has both an amazing voice and is a peerless interpreter of songs. i think i have all of her albums, and whenever i listen to one, it is like receiving a special gift. imagine my delight when i found out that one of my favorite singers was doing a holiday album, and speaking of gifts, this album, with it's lush arrangements and that phenomenal voice, is among one of the best one could ever receive. as with the other albums remaining in the countdown, there are an abundance of riches here from which to select songs to share. knowing i can't choose the whole album, i'm doing my best to narrow the selections down to two, and, if you like what you hear, itunes is only a few clicks away.

this christmas
i love the winter weather/i've got my love to keep me warm

11.  these are the special times - celine dion

i was just noticing that this section of the countdown has quite its fair share of some of the great vocalists of our time. certainly, few would dispute that this artist has a definite place in that category. her christmas album is everything you could want from one of the genre. a great variety of songs infused with ms. dion's beautiful voice is a combination that can't be beat. don't let the position on the countdown belie how fantastic this album is. on another given day, this album could easily have been placed a few notches higher. listening to these songs i've selected may even make you wonder why i didn't.

these are the special times
another year has gone by 

10.  star bright - vanessa williams

i so love this album. imagine taking christmas classics and re-interpreting them so that they have this modern r&b sound that would be quite at home in a swanky nightclub. that's the primary approach of this album, and this artist carries it off so very, very well. there have been a couple songs already shared this month that involve angels. here are two more.

hark the herald angels sing
angels we have heard on high 

9.  christmastime - michael w. smith

i really enjoy when an artist of today produces a christmas album that is reminiscent of the classic christmas albums by such artists as nat king cole, andy williams, perry como and johnny mathis.  there are quite a few examples of this approach represented on this countdown, and i am really grateful that michael w. smith chose to take it with this second of four christmas albums he has made over the years. enjoy these two selections from another truly great holiday album.

the happiest christmas
christmastime

8.  this is christmas - luther vandross

with songs that are both powerful and moving, this album is a delight for the ears from beginning to end. if there's an album you want to have to set the perfect mood for a christmas eve night with your significant other, you could do much worse than having this one in your playlist. here are two of the standouts. cue the goosebumps.

with a christmas heart
every year, every christmas

7.  merry christmas - mariah carey

so here's the last album of today's set of my favorite christmas albums and what an album to close out on. we all know mariah as a great singer, but i'm not sure that people fully appreciate what a talented songwriter she is. she brings that talent to this album by co-writing all of the original songs in this collection. i've selected two of those songs that are likely familiar to many of you. with both expect a great musical experience.

all i want for christmas is you
jesus born on this day

so tomorrow is christmas and the final six albums of the countdown. enjoy your evening and take it easy on the egg nog and cookies.

keeping on counting 'em down: favorite christmas albums 18 - 13

welcome back to the continuation of the countdown of my favorite christmas albums. christmas is in two days, but i've got some great musical gifts to share today. so, the next album is number 18 on the countdown. let's get to it.

18.  one wish: the holiday album - whitney houston

if i were just rating these albums on the vocal performances alone, i know this album would be much, much higher in the countdown; however there's more that goes into my ratings than just the singing. other elements like song selection, originality of songs and/or arrangements, and how much emotional history i have with the album are also key factors in my evaluation for relative placement of my favorite holiday albums. if there is one factor that contributes to this album being placed where it is, it's the fact that i just haven't had enough time with it. even though this album was released twelve years ago, there are albums higher up that i've been listening to for twenty, thirty, even forty years. that's a lot of history. still, with an album this good, i'm sure it will continue to climb over time.
here's the title track as proof of my prediction.

one wish (for christmas)

17.  noel - josh groban

this artist has a voice that is ideally suited for christmas music. with so many of particularly the centuries old songs being anthemic in nature, his full voice embodies them perfectly. yet, it's not just about singing to the rafters. much of the music of the season, if it is done well, also requires the ability to convey compassion, reverence, and peace. again, this is an artist for whom christmas music is a perfect match. the song i'm sharing is an original song, and the third song i've shared from mr. groban this month. it captures everything that i've just written and transcends it. try not being moved by it. i dare you.

thankful

16.  the andy williams christmas album - andy williams

this album is considered to be one of the quintessential holiday albums. if you say christmas album to many people of a certain generation this is surely going to be one of those albums that almost immediately will come to mind. even with this being the case and the fact that it was first released just before the year of my own birth, i didn't "discover" this album until much later in my life (unlike another classic christmas album that i'd been hearing likely since i was born, which will make its appearance later in this countdown). there's something about these older albums that is just so special with their "bright and shiny" vocals and arrangements. listen to this selected song and you'll get my meaning.

happy holiday

15.  a sentimental christmas - kathy troccoli

it's interesting that this album should be so closely ranked to the one that precedes it. it's one that shares that classic, timeless feeling but was released over 30 years later. i just love the way it makes you feel as if you're witnessing a holiday performance by glenn miller and his orchestra with kathy as their featured "girl" singer. if you enjoy christmas music with a 1940's big band sound then this album is definitely for you. and so is this song.

let it snow

14.  a charlie brown christmas - the vince guaraldi trio

is there a more fun christmas album with a cooler vibe than this one? not only does it make me want to get into the christmas groove every year. it makes me want to do it in a black turtleneck, dark sunglasses and a beret. and to think it was the soundtrack to a kid's cartoon special. but charlie brown has always been about more than entertaining just children and the songs on this album are meant to be enjoyed long after the kids have (finally) been put to bed on christmas eve. here's two more from this album for all you cool cats out there to add to the ones posted a couple of weeks ago.


skating
christmas is coming

13.  a christmas story - point of grace

so it's back to the contemporary christian music ranks for our next album from one of that genre's most successful and popular groups. the harmonies that these four (at the time) women achieve are a feast for the ears. on this particular album not only are they in fine voice, but the selections of both classic and original songs are top notch. flawless from beginning to end. this one gets two song selections as well (one of which has a special guest star who was the first male to appear on a point of grace record).

when love came down
light of the world (feat. michael tait)

with all of this great music shared thus far can you believe there are still 12 more albums to come? well, there are, and i hope you'll be back tomorrow on christmas eve day to hear the selections from albums 12 - 7.

the countdown continues: favorite christmas albums 24 -19

welcome back to the ietboyw 2015 favorite christmas albums countdown. today, i'm offering up selections from six more albums as we progress up the list to my all-time favorite holiday album. so without further ado, let's get to it.

24.  the new young messiah - various artists

during the 90's there was a particular phenomenon that was quite popular in the contemporary christian music realm. it was the "event" album. the premise was very simple. assemble a variety of artists from across a particular record label (or even across labels) and have them perform, separately and/or together, songs that were related to a particular theme. several of these event albums were related to christmas, and the one i've selected is my favorite from that lot. it's a modern take on the classic 18th century oratorio messiah by george frideric handel. since it's such a large work, i thought selecting two of my favorites would only be appropriate.

o thou that tellest good tidings to zion - susan ashton, christine dente, cindy morgan
the trumpet shall sound - 4him

23.  holiday wishes - idina menzel

this album comes from one of broadway's most beloved stars and certainly one of its most powerful voices. that voice could not be better suited for the song i've selected. it's one of those standard christmas songs that's a part of just about every christmas album. i don't think you'll hear a finer rendition than this one.

do you hear what i hear?

22.  christmas - bebo norman

this album comes from another favorite contemporary christian music artist (i really need to investigate if that's the term that's currently in vogue). mr. norman represents one of my favorite types of recording artists, the singer-songwriter. his combination of thoughtful lyrics and wonderful acoustic-based melodies are truly a delight to listen to. the song i've selected is the opening track on this album. listen as it begins with just his voice and a piano accompaniment and then builds into what can only be described as a glorious call to worship. i get chills.

come and worship

21.  a lovely way to spend christmas - kristin chenoweth

i guess this is the day for albums from broadway royalty. interestingly enough, kristin and idina originated the starring roles in what has become one of the most popular and successful broadway musicals of our time wicked.  their appearance on the same day of my countdown is purely coincidental. what is not a coincidence is how well kristin brings such life and character to each and every performance on this album. here she is with the very talented jazz pianist john pizzarelli singing two holiday songs that i'm not sure i would have thought to put together, but it turns out they make a wonderful pair (both songs and singers).

sleigh ride/marshmallow world

20.  snowflakes - toni braxton

toni braxton, toni braxton, toni braxton. i'm not sure much more needs to be said as to why this album is one of my favorites. it's just pure holiday, r&b deliciousness. so just listen to this song selection and be swept away to where few voices can take you (and if you have someone special, make sure they're close at hand so they can get "inspired" by ms. braxton's sultry suggestions).

holiday celebrate

19.  christmas stays the same - linda eder

another powerful singer who also has performing on broadway as part of her resume. i don't think there's a better word to describe this album than "homey" (in the sense of a place that is reassuringly comforting). it's just one of those holiday collections that, with every listen, your mind goes back to the best christmas holidays at home you've ever experienced (or at least to every hallmark commercial you've ever seen with a christmas setting). the title track shared here exemplifies that dynamic quite well.

christmas stays the same

so that's all for today. be sure to come back tomorrow for selections 18 - 13.

counting 'em down: the first seven

did someone call for a favorite christmas album countdown? well, today's your lucky day because starting now, i'll be counting down my favorites every day all the way until christmas day.

so, when you have over 100 holiday albums in your possession, as i do, you can imagine there's quite a bit from which to choose. so much so that the plans for this little countdown started out as my top ten favorite. well, after listing several more than ten off the top my head, i thought i should expand it to a top 15. as i began going through my collection i realized that i should expand it to a top 20. with more digging it expanded to a top 25,  and after even more digging, i figured i should just see how many i ended up with and use that as my favorites list.

i mention all of that to explain why you're getting a top 31 favorite albums countdown. it's an unconventional number sure, but after all, it's my blog so my rules. now, let's get to how this all will work.

each day, i'll be listing a handful of my favorite christmas albums with a brief commentary of why each album was so selected. following this will be a selection of one or two of my favorite songs from that album. it's going to be quite a bit of music ,so i hope you're stored up on christmas cookies and egg nog. brief explanation completed, let's start with the first album, moving up from number 31 (cause, you know, it's a countdown):

31.  glee, the music: the christmas album vol. 1

there are four volumes of christmas music performed by the kids from the television show glee. they're all very good, but i would have to say that the first album is my favorite. great singing, playful arrangements make this an enjoyable experience all the way around as evidenced by my postings  earlier this month of the "klaine" duet of baby, it's cold outside as well as the ensemble cast performing we need a little christmas. here's a third song that actually combines two popular christmas songs into one fun mashup.

deck the rooftop - glee cast ensemble

30. kylie christmas - kylie minogue

this is actually a new album in my collection, having been released just this year. i love ms. minogue's pop stylings in general, and she has used them to great effect with this christmas album. it's one that i can see climbing up the ranks of my list of favorites as the years go by. as proof of that prediction, i had a difficult time picking which songs i would post. that's the reason you're getting two from this one.

every day's like christmas
only you (feat. james corden)

29.  it's the thought - twila paris

long time readers of this blog will know that i'm a recovering evangelical christian (as well as a lapsed catholic. i'm thinking organized religion may not be my thing). still, if there's one good thing that came out of that experience, it's my exposure to what was then called contemporary christian music and to one singer in particular (but more on her later in the week). this album selection is the first of several from that genre i will be posting. it is a lovely, gentle album with both original and classic devotional songs interspersed. the song i've selected, which is the title track of the album, conveys the two adjectives i've used quite well.

it's the thought 

28.  cool yule - bette midler

leave it to the divine miss m to produce a christmas album that can shift effortlessly from jazzy beats to gentle ballads. equally fun and moving, i thoroughly enjoy this album every time i put it on. here are two great examples of this delightful duality (one of which is a version of one of her most popular songs and it fits very nicely into the themes of this holiday season).

cool yule
from a distance (christmas version)

27.  a christmas album - james taylor

it likely comes as no surprise that an album by james taylor would find it's way onto one of my favorites lists. what may be surprising is how far down the countdown this album is. don't get me wrong, this is a very good album, but for this one james decided to go pretty conventional. it has pretty traditional arrangements of traditional christmas standards. truth be told, if it were any other artist, the album might not have made this list, but it's not any other artist. it's james taylor and so of course he's here, and with him comes a very, very nice song.

who comes this night

26.  yule swing! - anna wilson

this album joined my collection a couple of years back, and in all candor, i'd never heard of the artist before its appearing in my amazon.com suggestion list. well, clearly amazon knows me pretty well because this collection of jazz/big band influenced holiday songs has become a most welcome part of my collection. it's the kind of album you definitely want playing at a christmas party for grown-ups. unfortunately, i can't find a full song from this album on the internet to link to, so i highly recommend you seek it out yourself to enjoy. to make it easy for you here's a link to the album on that retail site that brought it first to my attention. you can even hear some samplings before you purchase. my particular favorites are the title track, christmas is coming to town, and mrs. claus.

25. come darkness, come light: twelve songs of christmas - mary chapin carpenter

the last album for today's portion of the countdown comes from an artist who embodies every sense of the word.  the thoughtful lyrics, the beautiful imagery, the peaceful acoustic arrangements, and a reverential performance are all here. this is an album that envelops you and holds you close. if the previous album is a great selection for your next holiday soiree, this would be one that would be perfect listening to by yourself in front of a fireplace, reflecting on the powerful message of the season. you heard one song from this album last week. the song selected today is the title track, and well, it is as beautiful a christmas song as you could ask for.

come darkness, come light 

since you're coming this way anyway ...

here's a santa song for the grown-ups in the audience. i hope you have better luck than i have over the last few years getting this request of the big guy met. and what's really disappointing is i truly have been a good boy. honest.

hey santa! -- wendy and carnie wilson from hey santa!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1 - ho, ho, ho!

so, it's five days until the big day, which means that children all over the world are driving their parents crazy with boundless agitation and questioning about when is santa finally going to arrive with their presents (there's a lot of presumption out there with kids assuming they're on the nice list).

well, this morning's song is a bit of encouragement for both children and parents alike. yes, kiddos the big jolly man in red will soon be making his way to your christmas tree intent on leaving you with all the toys and goodies your little hearts desire. and yes parents, the day of the long, seemingly  endless christmas siege perpetuated by your offspring ending is just around the corner.

well, that is until december 26 when they'll start asking you how long it is until next christmas.

here comes santa claus/santa claus is coming to town - linda eder from christmas stays the same

coming close

the title of tonight's song expresses an emotion that i have to admit has been in short supply in my life over the past few years (and really for large swaths of my life prior to that). to confirm this perspective, i looked up the definition and it is as follows:

a feeling of great happiness and pleasure. the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires.

yep, not my current experience of life at all. 

it is true that the clouds of depression have parted to a great extent (thanks primarily to the wonders of modern medicine), but can i say that anything even approximating this emotion has come into my life. no, i can't at all. in fact, i continue to question what it would take for me ever to feel like the above posted definition.

the song posted this evening speaks of the exhilaration that comes as a result of the birth of jesus (i hope by now that there's some level of acceptance that songs about this particular event will appear on occasion during this month of holiday music sharing. i think this is understandably the case given the preponderance of songs about the subject in the christmas music catalog). 

i guess if i can't experience this emotion about the most immediate circumstances in my life, then at least for 3 minutes and 38 seconds i can come close in this celebration of god's great gift to the world.

joy - cindy morgan from one silent night

that's what i've been saying

i think the title of this song says it all, and a lovely, gentle reminder that the spirit of the season is something that is actually not bound to this time of year nor is it found in the trappings of this holiday.

love is christmas - sara bareilles

skating away

tonight's song is about escaping from the holiday setting, but the motivation behind it rests in something far more personal and painful than fatigue from the hustle and bustle of the season.

the festivities of this time of year can make for quite a painful juxtaposition when the dealing with the end of a relationship come to the fore. wanting to get as far away from "merry's" and "happy's" and  "jingling all the way" is a natural reaction when one's heart is broken.

believe me i know first hand.

river - sarah mclachlan from wintersong

wishing for a little peace and quiet

it's seven days until christmas (and six shopping days). at about this time in the holiday season, folks begin to become a bit fatigued with the endless stream of activities that are coming their way -- decorating, shopping, parties, wrapping gifts, baking, preparing for visits of family and friends. the list of things to do can be quite overwhelming. a little break in all of the busyness of the season is often desired and sometimes even required to keep one's sanity.

this morning's song is one that reflects on the seemingly unrelenting demands of the season and that need for a few moments of respite in the midst of them. if you're in that place, i hope this moment of enjoying this song will provide you with at least a little time of peace, quiet and renewal.

i need a silent night - amy grant from the christmas collection

we find it all again on christmas day

tonight's song comes from a holiday movie that i have seen (numerous times). it is one of my favorite christmas movies (more on this in a special feature that i will be starting on monday) that is based on a much beloved children's book

i'm not sure i've seen a movie that captures so well the magic of christmas that we experience as children and yearn for as adults, and this song perfectly conveys the beautiful message of this well-crafted story.

believe - josh groban from the polar express original motion picture soundtrack

let's go to the movies

another wonderful tradition of the holiday season is the holiday-themed movie. every season there are old favorites to revel in anew and new ones to enjoy.

often with these movies there is a great song that plays over the closing credits. i don't know about you, but when that happens, i find myself lingering in the theatre to listen to the song to its conclusion.

so today's songs are two of my favorites from the cinema. they're both actually from films that are probably intended for children but certainly have their appeal to children of all ages.

this morning's song is actually from a movie i have not seen as yet (though i am very familiar with the cartoon that is its predecessor). i have it in my collection of blu-rays to watch, but as of yet, have not done so. it's a song though that is often played on the radio at this time of year, and i think it's a delightful addition to the holiday music assortment.

where are you christmas? - faith hill from dr. seuss's how the grinch stole christmas (original motion picture soundtrack)

amen and amen!

tonight's song is by someone who by any measurement would have to be considered one of the greatest singers of pretty much any generation. the term "a voice for the ages" not only applies to her, but it seems as if it were invented for her.

even though she left this life tragically and much too soon, we will remember and celebrate the gifts she gave us in song. this particular christmas musical selection is certainly one of them.

joy to the world - whitney houston (feat. the georgia mass choir) from the preacher's wife original soundtrack album and one wish the holiday album

hallelujah, this is christmas!

christmas grows ever nearer and so i thought that today's songs would be songs by great vocalists that celebrate what i feel is the essence of christmas -- a joyful celebration of hope, love, peace, and healing for all.

this morning's song is by a singer that an old friend once said she could just listen to him sing the phone book and it would be a powerful experience. here is the title song from his christmas album that i would submit is even better than a rendition of the phone book.

this is christmas -- luther vandross from this is christmas

aallviiin!!!!

if the title of this entry was not enough of a clue to tonight's song then you my friend have had a deprived childhood. even so, let me have the privilege of introducing to you probably the most delightful christmas novelty song you will ever hear.

the chipmunk song (christmas don't be late) -- alvin and the chipmunks from let's all sing with the chipmunks

how will santa fit that in his sleigh?

so over the past fifteen days, we've seen that holiday songs come in a myriad of styles and genres. one popular category is the novelty christmas song. those quirky, off kilter songs that can't help bring about a smile and chuckle.

this morning i'm sharing a fun little song that is about a young girl who has a decidedly unconventional request for a christmas present. i sure hope santa's back is in good shape.

i want a hippopotamus for christmas - gayla peeve

and so this is xmas . . .

continuing on with the theme of expressing hope in a troubled world, tonight's song reminds us of that so much of the power to make positive change lies within us. we just need to have the will to use it. only then will we experience the benediction spoken in the story of the angels heralding the way to bethlehem -- peace on earth and goodwill to all.

happy xmas (war is over) - john lennon, yoko ono/plastic ono band, harlem community choir

the wrong shall fail

even with this being a season of celebration of joy and giving, it doesn't mean that we forget that the world is a difficult place for so many people. the recent events in paris, roseburg, and san bernadino as well as countries like syria, afghanistan, and iraq remind us that there is much pain resulting from senseless violence. famine and disease continue in many places, and we don't have to go far on a city street to see numerous people without homes to call their own.

there are a few songs that speak to these kinds of conditions that are set in the context of christmas. this morning's song dates back to the mid-1800's and is based on a poem by henry wadsworth longfellow. the poem was written at the height of the civil war and reflects both longfellow's despair about his son being seriously injured in that war as well as the recent death of longfellow's wife.

if there is one thing that this song reflects is that the pains of war and loss have long been with us. it also shows that even in the midst of such difficulty, we may still find a glimmer of hope in the promise of christmas.

i heard the bells on christmas day - jane monheit from the season

no, there sure ain't

so tonight's song fully captures the new york christmas experience. the video i've linked to brings it to life even more. what i wouldn't give to have a slice of new york pizza, a hot pretzel and a walk by the rockfeller center christmas tree right now. maybe next year.

christmas in the city - elizabeth chan from christmas in the city

and it's christmas time in the city

probably buried somewhere in this blog, i have mentioned the fact that i was born in new york city. as a result, this city, which often is referred to as the greatest on the earth (and i wholeheartedly agree with this opinion), has a very special place in my heart.

as special as new york city is year-round, i find it to be particularly wonderful, almost magical, during the holiday season. the sights and sounds that fill the city are the holidays at their best, and that spirit of joy, peace, and goodwill seems to find it's way into many a heart and mind.

the songs i'm posting today are a celebration of christmas in the city. i keep meaning to make a visit to nyc during the holiday season, but i have let each year pass by without doing so. maybe 2016 will be the year.

despite my procrastination, f you haven't had an opportunity to see new york at christmas, i would encourage you not to delay your trip. you will be very glad for the visit.

christmas time in the city - mary chapin carpenter from twelve songs of christmas

still trying to find the way home

tonight's song echoes the sentiments of this morning's. another song about finding one's way home for the holidays that is just as affecting as the one posted earlier.

admittedly, these type of songs are somewhat difficult for me. they bring to mind a reality that i've seemed to lost.

i can remember listening to i'll be home for christmas as i studied for midterms in my dorm room in college, and even though i went to school only about 10 miles from home, i still yearned for the comfort of home at christmas. in like manner, as i made my way farther from home, i would hear this song, and it made me impatient to get back to where i was from.

this sense of home pretty much came to a halt when i came out as gay to my mother (who really is all there is to my immediate family) right after thanksgiving in 1999. she did not take it well then and still will not accept it as part of who i am.

i did not return "home" for the holidays for several years after that, and actually have not been to see my mother for christmas very much at all over the past decade and a half. to be honest, i feel that i've lost my home.

my mother actually no longer lives in the house in which i spent a good portion of my growing up years; however it's not the change in physical location that makes me feel that i have no home. if the connotation of that word is a place where you are loved, welcomed, and accepted for who you are, then indeed, home has been lost to me.

i keep hoping i will find another someday, and then songs like those shared today will have a place in my heart again.

home on christmas day - kristin chenoweth from a lovely way to spend christmas

if only in my dreams

another popular theme with christmas music is returning to the homestead to spend the holidays with family and friends of old. of all of the songs with this theme, the one i'm posting this morning is likely the most well known and the most popular.

the song was written in 1943, in the midst of world war II and was first recorded by bing crosby. in fact, it was the "b side" for crosby's recording of white christmas (thanks wikipedia). as you would imagine, this song was a very poignant one during the time with so many soldiers being separated from their loved ones.

the version i'm sharing now was first released in 2007, a time when the united states was in the midst of a serious military engagement overseas, and once again separation of families was a very present reality (and still is for many military families). this fact is actually reflected in this song as you will hear several military personnel identify themselves with a message for the people they miss and with whom they long to be.

it certainly is a great reminder that to have a home and be with the ones you love is probably one of the most precious gifts to have at this time of year.

i'll be home for christmas - josh groban from noel

we can all use some more lovin'

and to our rescue comes one of the great voices of our age. she's an artist who makes every song a true experience and she certainly does so here.

i have to admit that it's the type of christmas love song i probably relate more to especially in this time in my life. i know i've certainly mentioned to more than one guy i've taken a shine to that i was going to ask santa to bring me someone like him (or him) for christmas.

i don't see why the gift of a guy to spend time with would be such an unreasonable request. after all, i feel like i've been trying to be a good boy for a very long time.

in any event, close your eyes and allow ms. baker to sweep you away with this declaration of the desire for a christmas love.

christmas fantasy - anita baker from christmas fantasy

time for some more christmas lovin'

one of the fascinating things about the holiday season is how many love songs are set at this time of year. i mean valentine's day is the holiday everyone thinks about when the subject of celebrating love and relationships comes to mind, yet think about how many valentine's day songs come readily to mind.

perhaps it's not really surprising that this season serves as such great inspiration for love songs. the settings of cheerful decorations, intimate gatherings the spirit of joy in the air, and at least in some climates, sitting in front of a roaring fireplace sipping hot cocoa (or something a little stronger) do serve as the perfect backdrop for reflections on the preciousness of love.

anyway, i've already shared some terrific christmas love songs, but this particular song is a favorite of mine, coming from a favorite holiday album. it certainly proves my point about the holiday setting providing inspiration for expressing feelings about love in song. if this one doesn't warm your heart and make you want to hold the one you love close then maybe valentine's day is really more the holiday for you.

christmas, love and you - will downing from christmas, love and you

tidings of comfort and joy with some three kings on the side

tonight's selection follows on the theme of this morning. it takes a couple of traditional christmas carols and places them in a different musical context (and masterfully done at that). i particularly like this performance as it features one of my very favorite singers as a guest vocalist. great music, great singers, great arrangement, what more could you ask for from a holiday offering?

god rest ye merry gentlemen/we three kings - barenaked ladies (feat. sarah mclachlan) from a barenaked holiday

let's get a little jazzy

so today i'm going to post two songs that i find to be great fresh takes on traditional carols. this morning's song has a nice jazz beat to it and the vocal performance is simply sublime. i hope this brings a cool vibe to this busy time for you.

what child is this - vanessa williams from star bright

listen, listen

tonight i'm sharing a beautiful song that i believe captures the essence of what is special about this time of year. as the song says, open your heart and look around and listen. listen closely and be reminded that indeed in so many ways, in so many forms hope and love are everywhere for all of us.

december prayer - idina menzel from holiday wishes

1, 2, 3, 4 . . . .

here's another one of those songs that doesn't have a mention of christmas within it. it is commonly associated with christmas, however, as it is a song that was written by irving berlin for the classic holiday movie, white christmas. in the film this song is performed as a duet by bing crosby and rosemary clooney. it is a tender moment between their characters, who are ultimately destined to fall in love and (as is the way with hollywood musicals) live happily ever after in wedded bliss.

this gentle reminder that approaching life with a "glass half full" perspective is one i need to hear more often than not. i am certainly a glass half empty kind of person, always looking at what is missing rather than what is present. i'm not sure if that orientation to life will change anytime soon, but it is helpful, at least every now and again, to be nudged toward an outlook that is founded in gratitude for whatever good thing that has come my way.

count your blessings - amy grant from the christmas collection

lead the way

here's another traditional holiday song, but performed in not the traditional way. this is the thing that i love about this particular artist. he always seems to find a way to approach his music slightly off center, such that even a song that we've all heard countless times over the years can seem fresh and new.

this particular rendition i imagine will have you humming this tune long after you're done listening to it. hopefully, for you, that will be a good thing.

winter wonderland - jason mraz from a very special christmas vol. 7

shall we dance?

there are some holiday songs that just sweep you up and transport you to another time and place. whenever i hear this particular song, i am invariably overtaken by images of a large ballroom lavishly decorated with fresh greenery, candles, ornaments and poinsettias.

gliding around the room are men in tuxedos partnered with women in beautiful gowns of the finest materials and the jewel-toned colors of the season. reds and greens, blues and golds swirl around the expansive dance floor in intricate patterns, perfectly timed to the music performed by a small orchestra.

joy and merriment fill the air and the cares of the world are far away and momentarily forgotten.

such is the power of music and particularly the music of this magical season.

christmas waltz - the carpenters from a christmas portrait

and even cozier

the aspect of this song that i love the most is that it's a truly adult christmas song. you listen to it and all you want do is snuggle up with the person you love underneath a down comforter in front of a roaring fireplace.

well, i've got the fireplace and the down comforter. any volunteers to be my cuddle buddy?

baby it's christmas - amy grant from the christmas collection

time to get a little cozy

today i'm sharing one of those christmastime classics that interestingly enough doesn't ever actually mention the word "christmas" or even refer to the holiday season. still, it's pretty easy to see why it's such a favorite and is recorded so often on holiday album after holiday album. and it's pretty easy to imagine this couple going through this back and forth flirtation after a holiday season date or a christmas party.

i've picked this particular version because it's one of the few (actually the only one of which i'm aware) that the song is sung by two men. and sung very well indeed.

baby, it's cold outside - chris colfer and darren criss from glee the music: the christmas album

no, it really isn't

i thought to complement this morning's song, i would post another in the theme of the anticipation of the christmas season. now in listening to this song, i hope you think more of the season in which we are finding ourselves ever more deeply immersed, and less about the dwindling number of shopping days that remain until the actual day of celebration arrives.

christmas can't be very far away - amy grant from a christmas to remember

and a ho, ho, ho to you

for the past week or so, i've been in the midst of decorating the house for christmas. it's the first time i've felt like making any attempt at holiday decorating that evenly closely approximates how i used to decorate. that was an activity of martha stewart-like proportions. fortunately, i've scaled back quite a bit, but it's still taking some time to get the house the way i'd like it.

one of my annual christmas traditions is that i collect santas. i get them in a variety of forms, but i consistently order at least one type of particular type of santa statue from a specific high end retailer every year. each has some associated theme with it. there's highland fling santa, aspen santa, venetian santa, emperor napoleon santa, and so on.

i used to have many more than i do today, but i left quite a few behind at my ex's house, and my understanding is they now are for sale at the local goodwill, following his having the basement cleared out in preparation for putting the house up for sale earlier this year. it's my own fault really as, in the throes of my deep depression, i told him just to keep the stuff an do whatever he wanted with what i left behind. now that the clouds of depression have dissipated to a great extent, i definitely regret that decision, but it is what it is.

i guess my affinity for santas comes from the fact that i find this particular symbol of the holiday season to be one of the most endearing. the memories of waiting for santa are still palpable today, hoping i made the nice list once again and would get whatever i desired from the endless toy and game commercials that littered the airways then between thanksgiving and christmas. it's also fun to think about how many children over the decades since have engaged in that same tradition and how many are now waiting for that jolly fellow in the reindeer propelled sleigh to pay them a visit and leave loads and loads of brightly wrapped packages.

today's song is about that building anticipation of christmas day. it's one of those bouncy, jazzy, modern christmas classics that interestingly enough isn't performed that often of late. well, i am very glad this particular artist has performed it because she's one of my favorites and as always she does a truly great job with it.

the man with the bag - jane monheit from the season

speaking of charlie brown

i guess it's pretty obvious from the title of this morning's entry that i'm a fan of a charlie brown christmas. well, truth be told, it happens to be my favorite christmas special of all time.

this year is the 50th anniversary of the first telecast of this christmas classic. it's kind of cool to be the same age as your favorite christmas show.

anyway, one of the aspects that makes a charlie brown christmas so special is the wonderful soundtrack filled with the music of jazz impresario vince guaraldi. here's two of the most popular songs from it, and for those of you in the u.s., i defy you to listen to these songs and not think about your christmas as a child. i hope the memories are good ones that bring at least a little bit of joy to your heart.

oh, by the way, a charlie brown christmas has a repeat airing on december 24, so check your local listings for channels and times.

christmas time is here

linus and lucy

-vince guaraldi trio both from the album a charlie brown christmas

and that's what christmas is all about charlie brown

christmas can mean a lot of things to those of us who celebrate it. it can be a time for the gathering together of people we love. it can be a time for shopping and gift giving for those specials someones. it can be baking cookies, sending christmas cards, decorating mantels and trees and doorposts with green and red and silver and gold (and even blue, brown, and purple). it can be watching wide-eyed children looking out for santa on christmas eve. and it can be the celebration of the birth of jesus christ, a cause for great joy to millions around the world.

even though my own spiritual journey has led me to this time in my life where i engage to a very limited degree in organized religion, i still believe in and treasure the story of the child born in a manager, who would grow up, live, die and live again so that we may know and live in the truth of our great worth as children of god.

this story that has been shared for over 2,000 years has long inspired my approach to this holiday. in that small town in bethlehem god lavished upon us this extraordinary gift as a sign of his incomparable love for us. as such, because of this extravagant gesture, i believe we should give and love extravagantly at this time of year.

the song i'm sharing this morning is a lush medley filled with wonderful imagery that harkens to the christmas story. i hope the thought of god with us inspires that spirit of giving and loving extravagantly in you.

sing we now of christmas/o come, o come emmanuel/emmanuel medley - michael w. smith from christmastime

it's time for an xtina xmas

time to get those hips a swayin', those shoulders a movin' and those hands a clappin' (and if you're really feeling brave, get on up and really shake your thang).

christmas time - christina aguilera from christmas

indeed it is

so i've started compiling a list of potential holiday season songs to share over the course of this month. as i've done so, it's quickly becoming apparent that if i want to get through all of them, i'm going to need to start at least doubling up on songs shared each day.

with this plan in mind, some days i will do a morning and an evening entry. other days, there may be two songs shared in one post. today will be an example of the former approach.

the song i'm sharing in this first of two entries today was a no brainer as to the need to post it here. it's probably in my top three of all holiday songs, and, in fact, i'm surprised it's taken me this long to post. each time i hear this song, it brings a smile to my face and a lightness to my heart, so having this among my selections was easy. the slightly more difficult choice, given the large number of wonderful performances of the song (it seems to be a staple of the christmas album genre), was which rendition to share.

it came down to two choices, the person who first popularized the song and the one who popularized it for me. i chose the latter artist because she is the one who introduced me to this song. the fact that she is one of my all time favorite singers didn't hurt either (and believe me this will not be the last song you hear from her this month).

it's the most wonderful time of the year - amy grant from home for christmas

yes we do!

so here's a cheerful and energetic holiday song. the interesting thing about this song, and a fact that is not readily known by many people in this day and age, is that the song originates from the broadway musical mame. here's what wikipedia tells us about the song's context in the show:

"We Need a Little Christmas" is a popular Christmas song originating from Jerry Herman's Broadway musical, Mame, and first performed by Angela Lansbury in that 1966 production.^[1]
In the musical, the song is performed after Mame has lost her fortune in the Wall Street Crash of 1929, and decides that she, her young nephew Patrick, and her two household servants "need a little Christmas now" to cheer them up.^[2] The original lyrics include the line, "But, Auntie Mame, it's one week past Thanksgiving Day now!" Since the time the song was written the phenomenon of Christmas creep has resulted in the normal holiday season beginning much earlier than it once did, which has led to more recent recordings changing the line to, "But, Auntie Mame, it's one week from Thanksgiving Day now!"

i mention this little factoid because often the line sung by patrick is left out of many modern recordings of this song. well, i've picked a version that has left it intact (and the original lyric to boot). enjoy!

we need a little christmas - the cast of glee from glee: the music, a christmas album

more on angels

i always enjoy when traditional christmas carols are approached in a new way. i'm sure i will be sharing many of that type over the course of this month (as well as those of the commonly performed type).

it's difficult for me to believe that this rendition is fifteen years old. it seems like only yesterday that i picked this album off the shelves during what i'm sure was a frenzied bout of holiday shopping. how time flies by (whether you're having fun or not).

the angels medley -- avalon from the album joy

embracing the season

well, it's officially the christmas season, and for the first time in what seems like a long while, i feel like participating wholeheartedly in it. i've begun decorating the house and listening to christmas music pretty consistently.

as i sat here in my office, listening to a particularly favorite album of holiday music, i thought it would be a great idea to expand my past practice of sharing a few holiday songs to spending the month of december sharing a fuller variety of my favorite songs that commemorate this special time of year. after all, the music is for me one of the best parts of the holiday season -- a belief that is evidenced by the fact that i have a collection of about 100 cd's (and growing) of holiday music.

i'm going to do my best to share both original songs and new arrangements of the more traditional fare. hopefully, there will be something for everyone over the course of the month. i'll also do my best (time permitting) to provide at least a little introductory commentary to each song i share.

so, let's start with the song that inspired this idea of a month of sharing holiday music. this song comes from an album that i adamantly refuse to play before the first of this month (we all have our idiosyncratic traditions at this time of year, and this is one of mine). i think it perfectly evokes that special nostalgic feeling of hearth and home that comes to mind at this time of year.

angels in the snow - kenny loggins from the album december

i hear you and ...

so many kind, thoughtful, well-meaning and well-intentioned words of advice and encouragement have come my way over the past couple of weeks. each similar in content to the words that i've heard over the past two years.

keep trying. keep moving. keep believing.

and to each urging the same thoughts have come again and again. what do you do when you have tried (and tried and tried again)? when you've moved (and moved and moved some more and moved even further)? when you've hoped and believed so much that your heart has been rent in two by the effort (and the disappointment)?

you've done all of these things more times than any of the people advising you can imagine (and for more years than many of them have been alive) and the fulfilled life you hoped for never comes to pass. you're still alone. you still feel rejected and unloved. you still question if your life has any real worth or meaning.

what do you do when you're lost in the woods no hope to be found?

i've often thought of another set of words of advice over this time of uncertainty and confusion. i'm sure i've shared it here before and i'm sure it's guidance that many of you have heard before (and if you haven't it's shared quite eloquently in a wonderful movie called big eden. be sure to look for it).

essentially, it is advice given if you ever find yourself lost in the woods. rather than continually moving around hoping to find your way out, you should remain in one place and this will make it easier for the people who are looking for you to find you and bring you safely home.

i share this again because, while it might be foolish to hope or believe that what i need will come and find me if i just remain still and wait, i continue to feel that it's the only thing i am really capable of doing at this time.

a fundamental complication

i was watching one of my favorite television programs house hunters the other night, and the focus of that particular episode was on the home buying search of a gay couple. at the outset of the episode, as is the practice of this program, we were provided a quick bio of the couple -- who they were, where they were from, what they did for a living, and how they met. on this last point, they indicated that they had met via match.com (an interesting side note is there was actually a commercial for match.com during the program featuring this same couple and their appearance on this program. an interesting bit of cross-promotion it was).

today, as i was walking to get my lunch, this episode came to mind for some reason. i thought about how the couple had met and my own recent struggles with feeling lonely and in need of companionship. as a way of addressing this situation, i thought, "maybe i should try match.com or some similar site to meet someone."

now, i've shared over the past few weeks (and particularly in yesterday's entry) that the current emotional pain resulting from the shifting dynamics of my friendship with sean have made me quite reluctant (one might say resistant) to the idea of pursuing any relationships with men of any kind. however, i think there is an even more fundamental complication to my solving my lack of companionship dilemma.

simply put, i'm not looking for a boyfriend (or partner or husband or significant other). i'm looking for a close friendship in which physical intimacy is a part of the package -- the popularly termed "friend with benefits."

and so the challenge is where does one go to find one of these types of relationship when the basic dichotomy among gay men is that most are either looking for a husband or a hook-up. on the one end we have dating sites like match.com or chemistry or zoosk that are about meeting mr. right. on the other end, we have apps like grindr or scruff or manhunt that are about meeting mr. right this minute (and don't stay a moment longer) with nothing filling the gap in between (by the way, zoosk can claim all they want that "first comes like," but i can pretty much guarantee that any profile that says, "i'm just looking for friends with benefits" isn't going to get many hits).

with this kind of environment, finding what i'm seeking seems almost impossible (and certainly using either solution detailed above looks like a recipe for disaster).

i suppose i could continue to just let life play out and let whoever the right guys are come into my life at the time they're supposed to. this is the path i've been on and likely will continue (seeing no viable alternatives) to trod. still, two years of looking and even attempting to cultivate such a relationship with a few guys, all with little to no success, have led me to question if this desired form of friendship will ever come to pass in my life.

and so, i continue to ask myself, god, the universe the same question. why is it that, when it doesn't seem as if i'm asking for much, it is so difficult to have this particular need fulfilled? 

indeed i don't

back in the place where my belief in lasting relationships and my trust in the fidelity of men has left me.

back to feeling foolish for opening my heart and trusting.

back to questioning what difference does it make that i try my best to do good, be generous and give love in this world.

back to a broken heart and shattered dreams.

back to not knowing where to go from here.

back to not being sure it really matters.

don't want to be a fool - luther vandross

indeed they do ...

it seems strange to be so affected by the feeling of loss of something you barely had.

torch - alanis morissette

i'm feeling better, but ...

over the past couple of months, i've been on a slow and steady journey out of the pit of depression in which i've been trapped for almost two years. through a regimen of new medications, i am no longer plagued by suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, nor do i wake or go to bed with a sense of dread about the day ahead. everyday i wake up and go through my day on pretty much of a balanced emotional keel. i am grateful for this change and as i shared with someone recently, old demons die hard and deep pain heals slowly.

this week, i've been reminded of the truth of that statement as i've pondered what have been two central struggles in my life over this same two year period. the first is related to my friendship with sean (i've decided to no longer dance around to whom i've been referring over many a recent entry since it is blatantly obvious that he has been the subject of focus). in those entries i shared my fears that our friendship was disintegrating -- fears that admittedly come from hurts deeply rooted in my psyche by bad past experiences.

as i've witnessed the friendship dynamic shift from daily contact to at best once per week minimal discourse, the concerns that we are moving into "i wonder how he's doing territory?" have continued to grow. even with a recent (but brief) online chat about his belief our friendship is solid and that the change is due to a combination of busyness and his not exactly being in the best emotional space himself, the fears won't leave me. no matter how well meaning and confident in his beliefs i trust he is, and at the risk of sounding cliched, i've been given the reassurance speech before from people who i sit here now and think "i wonder how he's doing," with no real certainty that they are even thinking the same about me.

today is the second anniversary of the date we first met up. it remains a dear and cherished memory for me. i sent sean a text earlier today wishing him a "happy 'first time meeting up' anniversary" with the expressed hope that there will be many more. i know i feel i value his friendship as strongly today as i did in those early days (maybe even more so), and i am doing my very best to believe there will be more shared good times to come (based on a recent statement, he certainly seems convinced there will be). again and sadly, my past experience tells me differently and the question of why i should believe that this time would be any different remains persistently close at hand.

an equally troubling result is that i can tell that the situation is affecting my desire to seek out other relationships of any type with men. "why should i open myself to what will only turn into a very painful situation of further loss and rejection," i ask. i have no satisfactory answer to compel me to move forward and so here i remain, my heart locked up tight.

so the second situation involves my place of work. this time last year, we went through a painful reduction in force prompted by poor financial performance. this year the numbers are even worse and the cuts feel that they are going even deeper. to that end, i had to let go a few folks on my team this past week. in addition, i have to make additional cuts to my budget so that we can meet our departmental target. it's not exactly encouraging to function in an environment in which it seems that the powers that be are not able to figure out how to right the ship and so instead are choosing "easy" but damaging solutions over the long-term. i also wonder if there will ever be a day when the people who have made the decisions are actually impacted in terms of their continued employment by the poor decisions they have made.

what is even more discouraging is the growing realization i am working with people who lack vision and the desire to be innovative, not for the sake of being different, but because such changes will actually make us more effective in the work we do for the people we serve. a recent conversation brought back into focus the conservative nature of my peers, and, to a lesser extent, my boss. i think i've shared before that my job is focused on strategic development and transformation of how we are organized and operate. it's difficult to believe that what i am supposed to be accomplishing can have any true success when at every turn those with whom i work question why any radical change is really necessary. this attitude seems to be the prevailing perspective of our entire organization, and it is the reason, i believe, we find ourselves in the unfortunate position we do.

so here i am with both a friendship and a work situation neither of which is turning out the way i had hoped. worse still there doesn't appear to be any positive resolution anywhere in sight. so, yes, i am feeling better; but the chance to have a happy, fulfilled life continues to elude me.

(holiday) seasonal affective disorder

this weekend i noticed a shifting in my emotional state. a movement from an occasional sense of melancholy to a deeper sadness grounded in this feeling of being alone and unloved.

i know part of this emotion is due to the recent shift in my friendship dynamic. it is difficult to go from daily contact to weeks without any interaction, and even when that occurs, it's always generated by me. it is harder still when you've lost one of only two people in this world with whom you have had this daily contact. now i'm down to one.

and yet, while i know that the feeling of loss and (some) abandonment is contributing to my disheartened mood, a look at the calendar this morning brought to light another contributing factor. it's just past halloween and the november slide into and through the holiday season has begun. as i was remarking to an online overseas friend, this in not an easy time to be alone here in the States.

soon images of family and friends gathering and communing will flood all of the popular media from television to magazines to displays in shopping venues. everywhere there will be reminders that this is a time to be with those we love. it may be for others but not for me.

for me this time will be an ongoing revelation that i am alone and without someone to love me. i have no family and very few friends. i have no loving home in which either i reside or return to where people greet me and make me feel safe and warm.

it is very hard to live a life devoid of love and affection, for these are the things that give our lives meaning and a sense of belonging. and it is not that i don't have people that i love. it is more that it feels that i have no one who loves me in the way i need to be loved at this time in my life.

this same friend suggested that i get out there and meet new people. i see what he means but my question is, "how do you just create meaningful relationships that provide a love you've wanted for all your life and feel you've never known?" this question is particularly difficult to answer when you've failed so miserably at so many attempts in your past.

so as we move through a time of "happy"s and "merry"s, i hope maybe some of that residual joy that lingers in the air will find a place in me and bring some light and warmth to a dark and chilly life.

what do you do . . .

what do you do when you feel you have so much love in your heart that it feels as if it's about to burst, but there never seems to be anyone in your life who wants to be the recipient of that love?

no matter how much every fiber of your being wants to give yourself completely to loving, caring about, supporting, believing in and encouraging another person in a deeply intimate relationship, all that ever seems to happen is that people choose to take a pass on all that you have and want to give.

no matter how kind or generous or honest you strive to be, it's never enough.

no matter how much you may want love in your life or attempt to have it be so, it never works out.

what do you do when this is your life?

even when you know

i had the opportunity to have a brief online chat with my friend this past weekend. he shared with me that basically the reason i have not heard from him is that he's in his own unhappy place right now. i certainly can relate to what that's like, and i tried to find out what is causing him some level of pain and concern. he wasn't in the space of wanting to open up, responding simply that it was difficult to explain.

it's at that point in the conversation that i realized and shared that this particular dynamic was a difficult one for our friendship. he has some type of struggle. it causes him to withdraw. he withdraws and i blame myself for being the reason which in turn triggers my fears of rejection and abandonment. he said that the withdrawal wasn't intentional and that our friendship, from his point of view, was solid. i shared a variation on my oft-repeated phrase that while that statement might be true, it didn't feel as if it were true, but that i also understood the reason for his withdrawal. i emphasized that i would always be here for him with my door open even though he never seemed to want to walk through the door.

i do understand the reasons for the distance and lack of active engagement that has developed. as i also shared with him, i am very concerned with how he's doing. i want him to be well and happy. my heart truly aches from the thought that he is anything but. i did tell him that i wouldn't continue to attempt to intrude on his daily life, but i would check in with him from time to time to see how he is doing.

i was just running an errand and he came to mind. i thought about how maybe some semblance of the previous level of contact might return but doubted that it would. with that, the same feelings of concern about being abandoned and forgotten arose in my heart accompanied by a moment of deep sadness.

it then hit me that even when you know the reason for why a situation is happening, it doesn't necessarily make the pain or fear that it elicits go away, any less painful or any easier to manage. i think this is particularly true when you are still dealing with the ghosts of similar past experiences.

what i also realize is that whatever i'm going through, it's not my friend's problem. it's something i have to deal with on my own. actually, even though it's not his issue to deal with, it certainly would be nice to have someone here to help me find my way through it all.

where is that piece?

you know how when you're doing a puzzle, and it's one of those where you don't know what the picture is of, i.e., no picture on the box. you've got just these random shapes scattered across a table. you start to sort through the pieces attempting to find shapes that fit together. eventually you do, but they're still just shapes with colors. you still have no idea of what you're creating, and so the pieces just sit in the middle of the table waiting for their correct placement in the overall picture.

then you find that one piece that gives you a sense of at least what a part of the puzzle is all about. you look for other pieces that build out the image further. the more matching pieces you find the more you see what you're building. soon the pieces you built at the start find their natural home in the overall scheme of the larger picture, and before long all the pieces are assembled. they all fit together. they all have a place, and now it all makes sense.

"oh, it's a church in a field," you say, or it might be a skyscraper in a city. maybe it's a pure white sandy beach resting at the edge of a crystal blue ocean. it may be a hiker standing at the top of a mountain or children playing in a playground. it might even be a picture of a favorite moment that you shared with someone else, who in turn converted it into a puzzle for you to enjoy assembling and remembering the time you had together when you were done.

whatever the picture, once you found that one piece, the work of creating it gave you a sense of purpose, and once done, gazing upon it filled you with a sense of accomplishment. there is something to be said for having these experiences in life.

most of my life has felt very much like the first paragraph. the work, the relationships, the experiences, the joys, the hurts all seem like those random puzzle pieces that don't really fit in a larger picture that is clear or makes sense.

there have been times when i've thought i had found that one piece that told me what the larger picture of my life is all about. it might have come in the form of a particular job or friendship or religious experience, but before long it's clear that while there is likely some connection to the picture of my life, my place, my purpose and my direction in this thing we call living continues to elude me.

i look around me, and it seems that so many people have their pictures strongly etched in their minds. their lives seem to be more about spending their time on this planet putting all their puzzle pieces into place. i'm also aware that disruptive events (some minor, some major) can happen that can either cause some pieces to be shifted or sweep their puzzle off the table completely, placing it back in the heap of random shapes that were there when they first came out of the box. eventually though, they will find that one clarifying piece again and start building their lives anew.

i am in another place where whatever pieces i've had put together have been swept off the table. each time this has happened, it has become harder to feel encouraged to start building again. i keep hoping to find that one piece of the puzzle. there are times i wonder if when my box was assembled, someone forgot to place that one piece inside.

so here's a repeat song. it popped into my head as i was finishing this entry, so i figure it must be worth sharing again. this is a performance of the song done shortly after he had written it (you'll see he shares that it doesn't even have a title yet at that time).

long and far away - james taylor

indeed

someday. someone. i hope.

2 b loved - janet jackson

where the pain becomes too much

i think i'm in that place where the pain of my current situation has become more than i can continue to contemplate. i know this to be true because i'm at the point where every time i think about a painful experience my heart literally becomes so heavy and hurts so much that it feels as if either my chest will rip open at any moment or my insides will come pouring out of my tear ducts in a great rush.

i had plans for writing some additional blog entries about how i am feeling about this particular friendship or at least the difficult emotional state that has emerged from its seeming dissolution, the outlines of which sit on a scrap of paper at my side. well, sharing those thoughts no longer holds any interest for me. it feels like a fruitless exercise at this point, seeing as all it really does is cause me to reside in the hurt longer with no real escape from it.

all this being stated, i think it's time for me to step away from this blog for awhile and wait to come back when the focus of my entries won't be about sean's sudden departure. i need to see if i can find at least some reasonable approximation of healing in the near term before attempting to express myself again in this space.

i'm not sure how one fully recovers from the experience of someone walking out of your life with not even a backward glance (it's happened to me on two other occasions and the wounds from those experiences still linger very deep in my soul). even with all the pain that came from my relationship with michael, i haven't done that to him.

i guess that's just the way the world is or at least my world. i'm still not sure what i've done to have these kind of relationship experiences continue to recur in my life. in this particular situation (just like the other two significant ones), it doesn't look like i will ever know.