making peace with my sadness

yesterday, i had a pretty good day. i had reconnected with a truth and that occurrence brought a new perspective on how i viewed my life. i moved from feeling that my life was hopeless to recognizing that life always has an inherent potential to get better. and with that i felt a new energy and a kind of calm rested in my spirit. that was yesterday.

today, after a fitful sleep, i awoke feeling a little less than good (maybe more than just a little). it came down to what i shared with a friend of "having a case of the 'lonelies'."even with this experience of hurt over the feeling of being alone, i would have to admit that today was still a pretty good day. i guess it's because i've also realized that i need to make peace with the sadness.

what does that mean? well, over the course of the day, i realized that even with a different outlook on life, the actual present circumstances of my life have not changed. desiring to have significant meaning and connection in this world is intrinsic to the human condition. to be sad when you don't have that as a significant part of your life is normal.  combine that reality with the fact that my depression is as much biological in nature as it is circumstantial, i see that my experience with deep moments of sadness are going to remain with me for some time to come.

i just pray that i can keep close to heart the epiphany with which i opened this blog entry. life always has an inherent potential to get better -- even my life.

hope restored (hopefully)

to say that the days of this week have been a challenge would be the greatest of understatements. there were moments yesterday in which i literally did not think i would be here this morning to write this blog entry or for that matter ever again (actually, and those of you who visited during certain period yesterday can attest to this, we came very close to this blog not existing anymore). any moment that i was not focused in a meeting was filled with tears and deep emotional hurt and thoughts that i really should just end this already.

over the course of the day, i would send frantic texts to one of the very few friends i have right now (many of which i later learned he likely didn't receive -- f#@%ing technology!). he responded to some and not to many of the others. he tried to help from afar but the frantic mania continued he my mind and heart.

at the end of the day, i decided to stop by my local bookstore and then to get some takeout tex-mex. as i was winding down on a conference call, i decided to reach out once more to my friend. the conversation went something like this:

me: hey are you there? i think i'm losing my grip again. i guess this is my life now. every day a struggle not to kill myself.

friend: you must focus on the positive.

me: i am so lost right now and the positive is so hard to see. i'm leaving as soon as i'm off this conference call. what i'm doing i have no idea. and i can't imagine how i'm going to make it through the holidays.

at this point the conference call was over and i was packed up and walking out to my car when this seminal thought came to me and i continued the text dialogue:

me: i guess it all boils down to i have no clue of what i'm living for.

friend: i'm just sitting with people i do not like. hoping to have fun later.

by this time i had arrived at the bookstore parking lot, where strangely enough i've had a few text conversations with this particular friend. his observation resulted in the following response:

me: so my life is supposed to be about always hoping things will get better even with no evidence they ever will? you do realize you're supposed to be helping me to not want to kill myself?

at this point i didn't hear back from my friend for awhile, but that may have been good because the pause gave time for the truth of what i texted to settle in my mind, heart and spirit. at the time, all i really noticed was that my mood had shifted for the better, but i wasn't quite sure why. in this moment i see, and am more than slightly overwhelmed by the fact, that a great grace has been bestowed upon me through the insight gained from the question i posed to my friend.

what i've come to realize, yet again, (because my life seems to have a "lost and found" dynamic with this particular truth), the answer to that pivotal question posed via text in a bookstore parking lot is quite simply "yes." life is precisely about hoping for the best even when it seems very far away from you and all that you have in front of you are great disappointments and a broken spirit. in the language of another source of wisdom that i still pull from to guide my life, making it through this life is about having faith as defined thusly,

faith is the substance of things hoped for,

the evidence of things unseen

this re-connection to this vital perspective has had a quietly profound impact on me. i say quietly because it's not so much that i'm not still experiencing sadness about my current circumstances and more than a bit of concern with what my future looks like in terms of relationship and companionship. what has changed is that i have this sense that there is potential still for me to be happy. i don't know what that will look like, but i am open again to accepting whatever form that will take. and that even without that sense, i know i have to live my life as if i did have that belief in the potential for better days ahead.

i'm going to close this entry with a more specific example of this change in perspective. it involves my reaction to a particular song that's shared below. i know i've mentioned in a previous entry that i am waking up each morning to jason mraz's new album "yes" (and if you haven't purchased it yet, i'm not quite sure what you're waiting for). this song is the third song on the album, and within the lyric,s there is a repeated refrain of "and i know, i know, it's gonna be a good day." every day i've heard that lyric and felt a wave of sadness accompanied by thoughts to the effect of, "no, i really don't think so."

well, this morning the wave of sadness began, and just as the accompanying doubtful thought was emerging, another thought took its place. that new thought was as follows, "clarus, what's wrong with thinking that it is going to be a good day?" and you know what? i realized that there was nothing wrong with that, nothing at all.

hello, you beautiful thing - jason mraz

moment by moment on a razor's edge

i thought i should stop in here to see if this might help. i have less than 30 minutes to pull myself together before my first meeting of the day and i just don't know how. i keep hearing my voice inside saying over and over that i can't do this anymore.

 20 minutes to go and i'm texting like an idiot, begging to be heard. god what is wrong wtih me?

15 minutes and i'm feeling my defense mechanism trying to kick in. the one that shuts every emotion in me down and i become dead inside once again. but the pain is so intense it's not working.

10 minutes and a razor thin thread of hope emerges. try to believe the friendship is intact. that he does still care about you. that you haven't lost another one. that it all hasn't been a lie.

7 minutes and i close my eyes and say a faulty prayer that even though it feels like that even god has not abandoned me.

5 minutes and it feels as if i'm on a razor's edge between sanity and complete madness.

3 minutes and dark visions loom even larger in my mind showing me there is a way to end the pain once and for all.

2 minutes and another email chime comes through reminding me of this relentless stream of work that just doesn't stop and i feel wholly inadequate to deal with.

1 minute and i think as i have so many times, all i wanted was a friend. all i wanted from life is to be happy.

time's up.

unprepared

i'm about to enter a work day for which i do not feel even remotely emotionally prepared. i think the key signs were the fact that i was crying before leaving and crying when i got to my office. my day is pretty much back to back meetings starting at 8:00 a.m. having been out the office for five days now, i have 350 emails to go through. those emails signify who knows how many phone calls to return, decisions to be made, materials to be reviewed, and so forth.

i'm just in one of those times that existing is just pain-filled. it may sound strange but it's like the physical contact of my body with the space around me hurts. and yet i want nothing more at this moment than to have someone hold me and tell me that things will get better.

outwardly, i am dressed crisply in a blue button down polo shirt and some charcoal grey tweed-like pants with matching wool socks and shiny black oxfords. inwardly, i am curled up in the fetal position on the ground of this metaphorical forest in which i've been lost for far longer than i thought i would be.

it's hard not to feel as if i'm being punished in some way. at the very least, i do feel abandoned. and even as a very, very small number of people attempt to reach out to me, it's as if they don't really see me or hear me or understand me. i'm not sure if anyone ever has or ever will.

it's colder and darker in this forest and any hope of rescue or escape has left me. i am not going to make it out of this place.

and there's the 15 minute reminder that my first schedule appointment is just ahead.

this is not the life i thought i would have.

can't escape

the negative thoughts keep coming. i can't seem to escape them. they pile on me to a point where i feel as if i'm being suffocated by despair. i have no hope or belief that my life will get better. i'm going to die in this darkened place aren't i? i'm going to die and no one will know. i will be gone and no one will care. i will be forgotten and the universe will smile.

motivation required

didn't make it into work today. actually, i haven't gotten out of bed yet. i guess the first trick to that is wanting to. a similar challenge to my feelings about living as well.

dwindling away

i see the number of page views per day continue to dwindle and in the state i'm in it makes me feel that no one really cares. that i am utterly alone. that my life truly does not matter.

very, very scared

last night i had a pretty bad emotional meltdown and unfortunately i'm not doing any better today. what sparked it was coming to the realization that the holidays are ahead and feeling that i could not make it through another holiday season like the one i barely made it through last year. every time i start to think about that possibility, i have this extreme panicked feeling and i'm pushed to the brink of tears (and often over -- like now). i just don't know what i'm going to do. i just don't. and i'm very, very scared.