afraid to love

over the past few days, i've been caught unaware by a strange thought given my current state of desiring companionship. both times the thought has come to me as a song was playing. both times it was a love song (i've posted the obligatory links below) and both times i thought in response, "i really hope i never feel that way about another guy again." again, it's a strange thought to have when i've spent many a day and night of late wishing i had a close guy friend in my immediate vicinity -- one with whom i can enjoy spending time and be both emotionally and physically intimate with.

i know where the thought comes from though. to be in love with someone requires a degree of openness and vulnerability, and that creates the potential for being disappointed and hurt very deeply. and at this point, it's not so much that it's about the possibility or even the probability of being hurt. i really believe it's a certainty and that's one certainty i can do without.

and yet every night, i experience the pain and ache of what feels like an unending loneliness, and so there's this feeling that i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't. i wonder if there will be ever be any peace for this heart of mine.

you're mine - mariah carey

i knew i loved you - savage garden