it's been a bumpy road

it's almost mid-day of the last week i likely will be spending in this office this calendar year. with the family memorial for my friend and work colleague scheduled for monday morning, i don't anticipate coming back into the office following that event. so save for some meetings this afternoon, i am at the end of my work experience for 2014.

so how do i feel at this time? before going into all of that, i feel i need to note, as should not be a surprise to anyone who has read more than this specific entry on this blog, it has been a very, very tough year. the pacing of my work and the sheer volume of it has increased tremendously. i'm still amazed with the variety of topics and issues i cover over the course of a work day. another dynamic that has emerged is the shifting tenor of the work environment from a more collegial, inclusive one to a more insular, directive one. we haven't made this change entirely and i'm not sure if we will. my hope is that not only does this trend stop but that it actually reverses. we shall see if my hope is fulfilled.

so what does all of this mean about how i'm feeling? well, i still enjoy my job and the body of work for which i am accountable. this being stated, i am becoming increasingly frustrated with the context in which i do this work. if things do not change (the aforementioned reversal of trend) then i'm not sure i will be able to remain here and continue to feel good about what i do and who i am. if i get to that point then it will be time to plan for my exit. a factor that also contributes to my evaluation is the fact that while i really like where i live, i am not happy here. with no relationships outside of the work setting, the sense of isolation has become both deep and pervasive as has my depression. i can't see staying here in a job i don't like anymore with my being so unhappy outside of work.

so how and when will i decide what i'm going to do? well, as a result of some leadership coaching work, i've scheduled one day each month in 2015 that i call my "taking stock" day. on these particular days, i will take an hour or so and just think through what is happening with respect to my work and the organization and make a determination of how i need to move forward. based on certain events that will be happening in the first quarter, i don't think it will take to many taking stock days before i know whether i will be looking to stay or to leave.

in the meantime, i'm just hopeful that some more positive signs and circumstances are headed my way soon in 2015. i'm not sure i will survive another year like this one.

not enough to be real

got home late last night after a very full day and then dinner with a work colleague. ending up showering and climbing into bed almost immediately after arrival. i felt achy and tired. my eyes were burning and my sinuses were in constant drainage mode. after looking for my new friend online and realizing i'd likely missed him by about 15 minutes, i took my sleep meds and drifted quickly off to slumberland.

it amazes me that i can have a complete sleep and still feel so tired. that's the state i find myself in now. i just got out of what was a deadly boring meeting and i have another coming up this afternoon. truth be told, i'm not really here anymore as in fully present in my life. i'm basically going through the motions and continuing to do my best impersonation of a living person.

i walk, i talk, i smile, and i laugh (well not as much on the latter two). i make statements, give direction, provide counsel here at work but i feel completely disassociated from the activity of life. again, it's like i'm occupying the space but not fully embodied in it.

for some reason the thought of the story of the velveteen rabbit came to mind. for those unfamiliar with the story, the brief synopsis is it's the story of a stuffed rabbit who becomes a real rabbit due to the love of his owner. the thought i was having is that if love makes us "real" maybe my experience now is that there is not enough love tangible and present in my life to make me feel as if i am truly, fully, completely alive.

and so the day goes. and so my "life" continues.

emptied out

it feels as if i really have nothing more to give. sad, alone, lost. that's how i have felt for much of this year and how i feel still. is this all there is?

not my best self today

the title of today's entry was a thought i had as i was getting some coffee in the kitchen at work this morning. it feels as if the full weight of all the struggle of this past year is crashing down on me.

i think i know why at least in part this is happening now. my heart has been opened up to deep feeling by two events  -- the loss of one friend and the beginning connections to a new one. as a result, all of the hurts and disappointments that have happened over the course of this troublesome year have been brought to the surface.

i've never been very good at compartmentalizing. i tend to have to shut down all emotion if i am to get through dealing with the difficult ones. if i start to feel something, i feel it all. the saddest part is that even in the midst of what could be a good thing, the emotional pain only has me seeing all the things that could go wrong, all the ways i may just be making a fool of myself, and all the ways i may be hurt deeper still.

what this current time has shown me is that there has been no healing from all of the various events of 2014. i just took the pain and stuffed it behind a wall or buried it beneath the floorboards of my weary soul. now with new wounds and old scars ripped open,  i just sit and watch as the darkness descends again.

a very human experience

you know, i think it's funny how no matter how many times i have this experience and how many times i want it to be different the same pattern pretty much emerges. i meet a guy. he seems interesting. i start to like him. throughout this phase i'm pretty easy going.

i share more about me. i get to know him more. i like him more, and i think the feeling might be mutual. i start to want to see him more and get to know him even better. i want him to be more present in my life and i in his. it's about at this time that my fatalistic side starts to emerge and with it all of the self-doubt and reasons why the relationship will not proceed any further and/or is doomed to fail eventually.

the reasons often vary. sometimes it's about logistics. sometimes it's about the "shoulds and shouldn'ts" about how i feel i'm expected to behave or what i should want to be a respectable individual -- playing by norms that society has established that i neither asked for nor do i feel really fit me. always there is the common element of how i do and don't see myself. any assets i possess become diminished if not imperceptible and any "liabilities" become magnified -- looks, age (a new addition to the list), neuroses, this continually sensitive and increasingly vulnerable heart -- all seem ample reason for anticipated rejection and all cause me to question what i am doing.

i'm in the grips of this same pattern again. i know i have to accept that what will be will be. people tell me to take risks. i know i need to and i do. it just would be nice if, when i did so with men, the results were more often rewarding than damaging.

cold heart

this has been another one of those lost weekends. i've been drifting in and out of a state of a deep and mind numbing depression. some moments i resemble a sentient human being. in others, i feel as if it is an effort to remember my own name or much about my identity. the purpose and meaning of my life are swallowed in the sadness of the isolation and solitary nature of it.

there have been a few bright spots -- a new friendship that i hope will continue to develop and deepen; another friend who may be making a long-desired visit after the new year. but even so, these bright spots feel like burning embers from a fire that died long ago, doing their best to hang on to provide some last bits of light and warmth in an ever encroaching darkness and cold.

it's snowing outside right now. the kind of snowfall that is blowing and persistent. it may be cold outside but i fear a greater chill has overtaken my heart.